Very sad INTP....

*hug*

I've been there as well.

 

The fact that the bailed out that fast does not mean she never cared about you. It's probably because you hurt her and she quickly put some distance to avoid further getting hurt. The fact that you told her she's making excuses could have been interpreted by her as lying and accusing an INFJ of lying is a big :nono: . As you said, they value authenticity (and integrity) very much.

If some time has passed, I think it's Ok now to tell her you're sorry and explain to her things from your perspective (that you didn't want to be mean, etc..). You may have to work a little to earn her trust back but from what you described of your relationship, I think it's worth it. Good luck!

 

INFJs, and all NFs, are most concerned with their validity. If you make an INFJ feel "invalid," they're going to run. It sounds like you weren't precise enough with how you were coming across to her. This is always a potential pitfall in this relationship as an INTP feels they're just being honest, and an INFJ feels as if they aren't valid or "good enough" for the INTP.

Although it's unusual for an INFJ to just run from a relationship so quickly (they often will stick with bad relationships for a long time...although INFJs very often will display this behavior when underdeveloped and looking for "the perfect, ideal relationship"), it is not unusual for them to be very final after they have left. Sorry to tell you, but it's likely that she won't want to pick the relationship back up if she feels it is done and not what she wants. It's likely she may not even want to be friends with you, but instead just move on.

I've been where you are now, except my INFJ and I were together for well over 3 years. It really sucks, I know. You just have to see the mistake made: you weren't pedantic enough in picking your words so as not to make her feel invalid, yet still be honest about getting your point across. INFJs have a very hard time with criticism!

 

Now that some time has passed it might be good to explain it from your viewpoint. I'm not exactly sure what you did but it appears you managed to trigger quite a big reaction.
Let us know how it goes.

 

INTP's are rare and it takes time to figure you guys out. I hope she's interested enough to keep trying because I think INFJ/INTP combos are great, once understanding/boundaries etc. are worked out.

 

It is indeed a very good combination. Both types bring viewpoints that are *very* stimulating to personal growth for the other, and they both LOVE SEX.

 

I just read a long post by another INTP (http://forum.infjs.com/showpost.php?p=69252&postcount=6) which was pretty insightful. I think there was a clash between your Ti and her Ni:

The dominant INTP cognitive function is Introverted Thinking:

The dominant INFJ function is Introverted Intuition:

As for the solution to the problem, I think that if she understands that you weren't being malicious, you've done your part. INFJs get hurt easily, and there's not much you can do about that. After I broke up with an ENFP I started avoiding her, even though there wasn't even a conflict. We invest a lot of emotion energy into relationships, and I guess she didn't want to risk getting hurt again.

 

You'll be telling yourself this for a while...that there is hope (Ne will tell you: it's possible!), and later you'll tell yourself that no one else is worth the effort...or that no one at all is worth the effort. If I'm any indication, and from what I've read in general, we INTPs have a very difficult time moving on from a relationship we really liked. We pick the people in our life so carefully that we tend to be extremely loyal even after the relationship is long dead.

 

well then you gotta show her that you realize this, that another relationship with you will be different this time. I think that's the only thing that might get her to decide to get back together .

 

Classic pitfalls of this relationship...many of the exact ones I had with my INFJ. This is a good thing because the path is easier to diagnose.

The types are different in their concerns and views. INTPs see "what is" in an objective, detached sense, while INFJs see "what is good" in a much more emotional and involved sense. INTPs are observers, INFJs are participants. INTPs are intellectuals...theorizing, conceptualizing, trying to figure out truths about the world, while INFJs are idealists...hoping, trying to find validity for themselves and their emotions, feeling a situation instead of perceiving it for its more objective values.

The INFJ will tend to view the world for what it makes them and others feel...if the world is right or wrong in what it is doing, while the INTP will just tend to view the world for what it actually is. The styles of communication of the types will often be like this too...INFJs will communicate what they view is pleasent, good, bad, right, wrong, valid, invalid, what they have the right to do, etc; while an INTP will tend to just explain the world for what they think it IS.

The problem between these types is often that, when the INTP is explaining how they think the world actually is and that they don't think the INFJ is making sense, the INFJ tends to take it as, "This is what he views about me...he is saying I don't make sense and am invalid."

 

Not to depress you more: but IIRC, I've read a study that showed that INTPs are not only the least likely type to find a partner and get married, but are also the type most likely to get a divorce if they do get married. I guess others just have a hard time understanding a type that is so simple that they just view the world for what it is...

 

It's extremely worth it, and along with ENTPs and some ENTJs, I'd say it's the most fruitful of INTP relationships. Both partners just have to learn their weaknesses and strengths and try to come to an understanding. ANY relationship will require that.

You just need to learn that she values being "valid." Be honest and open with her, but put it in such a way that you are saying, "I'm just confused, could you perhaps explain it better?" instead of "You don't make any sense to me." Also, know that she requires more attention then you do. Often we INTPs get so engrossed with our interests that we can ignore our partner's needs. Remember, relationships take work, and you have to give her the attention she requires sometimes...even when you're not in the mood.

She has to learn that you often require space...she has to not be too dependent on your constant attention. Although she requires attention and affirmation that she is a good person, she has to learn to be dependent on her own devices for this too, not just your's. Additionally, and this is often a pitfall closer to the early part of the relationship then later, she has to learn that you often really, truthfully, don't have an alterior motive...that she doesn't have to be paranoid about you...that you're of a personality type that is VERY loyal in a relationship, and very honest in how you perceive the world.