Unwanted attention directed at your partner:n what would you do? | INFJ Forum

Unwanted attention directed at your partner:n what would you do?

NYLilac

NYLilac

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May 15, 2011
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I am an INFP married to my dual, an ESTJ. How would you cope if another woman (or, if you're male, another man) kept chasing after your spouse/partner although he/she firmly told the would-be interloper to knock it off in unmistakable terms? Give type, please. My husband and I have such an issue with a woman in his class. She knows he is married and in love with me, yet keeps being all touchy feely toward him. Her life is not stable.
 
Shame them in public, in class if possible.
 
Shouldn't matter what type, for one, her husband needs to verbally and if necessary physically push her away when she makes physical advances. He needs to make it clear the HE is just not interested. He made need to use a more serious tone, and use avoidance. He may need to take more deliberate action to not be in the same personal space as much as possible.
 
If he has been truly blunt and direct with her (telling her to fuck, but politely) and she is still behaving this way, including physically touching him, he may have to tell her that he'll report her for harassment. People like this do not have any concept of boundaries so he will have to draw a very hard line in the sand. If she doesn't obey, he may have to get the school involved or the police. People should be able to go into a learning environment and have their personal space respected. If she is repeatedly violating that, she needs to learn.
 
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That's on point, SpecialEdition. What's even worse is that now another classmate invited her to the church my husband and I just started attending. She apparently plans to get transportation from the church van, which my husband and I also use. I do not like this one bit. I don't think her intentions are innocent at all.
 
My husband is openly affectionate toward me when I visit the school. He has directly told his class that he loves his wife and will not risk jeopardizing our marriage.
 
He needs to report her to teacher/dean for harassment. And when telling her to stop, he needs to be loud about it so that others see. They can act as witnesses to her inappropriate behavior. If it's that bad then doing all of this won't be looked at as 'overreacting'.
 
Also, she is doing this because she has no respect for you and likely thinks that your husband will come to desire her more and leave you. I know that sounds pretty fucked up but people act like this sometimes. Totally deluded.
 
Why not just confront her directly and ask if you could talk somewhere? Just say her behavior is concerning, maybe ask why she feels the need to behave like that around him?
 
Bird (INFJ) gets hit on about fifteen times a day on average, but I (ENxx) couldn't give less of a shit, really.

Granted, it never happens when I'm around, though there's been a few times where it's gotten close enough that it starts to feel like disrespect or inability to respect boundaries. At which time my inner sociopath (a dragon I've learned to tame) starts bubbling up to the surface.

At that time, I present two options:

1) Fuck off.
2) Lose your teeth and ability to walk, then fuck off.

But that is incredibly rare. For the most part, she handles it herself and I'd like to think I've been instrumental in giving her the confidence to do so.

If someone wouldn't stop, however, I'm pretty sure terrible things would just happen to them and the issue would be resolved.
 
The good news is that he is now sitting in the front of the classroom, and she is in the back as far away as possible. He says he plans to ignore her.
He had friended her on Facebook, but then blocked her after this fiasco. He was advised that once a woman who knows you're in a committed relationship puts a move on him, she is no friend at all.
There were many women disappointed when he went off the dating market. I remember one who brazenly took my seat when I got up to walk around (arthritis makes me stiff if I sit still too long) and sat so close to him, she was almost on him, giving him that fake simpering fool routine. I told my husband, then my fiance, that we needed to leave.
 
NYLilac said:
My husband is openly affectionate toward me when I visit the school. He has directly told his class that he loves his wife and will not risk jeopardizing our marriage.
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Ugh. I know you're not going to like this, but I can't help but ask a few questions (I'm that person).

Why would this topic (mentioned above) ever come up in a classroom setting? Why would he ever have a discussion with them that includes him pointing out that he would never jeopardize his marriage? Regardless of how she was acting.

Also, do you feel threatened by this woman? Is there something attractive about her? No one wants their spouse to be hit on by other women, but if he isn't interested and you're sure he has no interest in her, then why is it upsetting you to this degree?

And do believe him 100% when he says he is telling her to stop? I have a hard time picturing someone being touchy feely towards someone who acts repelled by their presence. If that's true, then she's a psycho and moving to the front of the class is pointless.

I'm not trying to make you doubt what your husband is telling you, I'm just asking questions to get a better understanding of the situation. Seems like there's more to it.
 
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First, I have no reason to believe that my husband would fall into her trap. He has done everything in his power to send her an unmistakable message that he is not interested. She's young enough to be his daughter, which is enough to turn him off by itself. He also does not go for skinny women, preferring curvy ones. And she also has two small children, a situation he does not want to be part of. I have been in the school break room hearing her tell anyone and everyone who will listen about the drama the kids' daddy is causing. My husband is 48 and he has raised enough kids already. He's got young grandchildren, for heaven's sake. My two youngest kids are teenagers, and he has formed a solid bond with them.
He reported to me that she had said to him during class, "I hope you don't think I'm trying to get with you." If that was not the case, there was no need for her to even mention it. He told her plainly he was happily married and that she shouldn't bother wasting her energy.
 
NYLilac said:
First, I have no reason to believe that my husband would fall into her trap. He has done everything in his power to send her an unmistakable message that he is not interested. She's young enough to be his daughter, which is enough to turn him off by itself. He also does not go for skinny women, preferring curvy ones. And she also has two small children, a situation he does not want to be part of. I have been in the school break room hearing her tell anyone and everyone who will listen about the drama the kids' daddy is causing. My husband is 48 and he has raised enough kids already. He's got young grandchildren, for heaven's sake. My two youngest kids are teenagers, and he has formed a solid bond with them.
He reported to me that she had said to him during class, "I hope you don't think I'm trying to get with you." If that was not the case, there was no need for her to even mention it. He told her plainly he was happily married and that she shouldn't bother wasting her energy.
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Flirting isn't necessarily a trap.

Another question: Why would she say "I hope you don't think I'm trying to get with you" if he has done everything in his power to send an unmistakable message that he was not interested? Because (the way I see it), if he was that forceful about it, then she would already know that he does indeed feel that she is trying to get with him. It wouldn't be a question, right?

Which leads me to even more questions! Do you think your husband likes the attention he is receiving from a young female? I know he doesn't want her but maybe he likes the feeling of having a young lady flirt with him. And maybe he likes that you seem to be jealous ( that 'aww, she's jealous...she loves me!' thing some people do). He might even be blowing the whole thing out of proportion for your reaction.

She may just be a naturally friendly/flirty person.
 
I think you should stop worrying about it. The more you think about it, the more your husband will. The more he thinks about it, the more time you, him, and everyone else involved has to worry about it. Your husband can talk to the prof/dean/admin about it if it's a legitimate problem. Or I guess you could also just rant to people about it until the class ends and problem is over.
 
NYLilac said:
He had friended her on Facebook, but then blocked her after this fiasco.
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I really hope this issue has been resolved for you both.

I'm intentionally not on Facebook (so quite ignorant with the whole Facebook culture) but is it common for teachers to friend their students? This would just blur the boundaries for me.......
 
It takes two to tango. Whatever subliminal message your husband is sending out towards this woman should stop. She would get the message if she has nothing to feed on. Crushes tend to stay within safe parameters; but any more involvement requires the individuals to fuel the connection. Sounds like you may not be aware of these messages regardless what your husband may have said.
 
TooShyToSay said:
I respectfully disagree with part of this. This out of control crush issue has happened to me more times than I can count, even at times without me being aware that the person has a crush. The vast majority of the time, I am not at all attracted to the person but they still come after me. It is rare that someone continues the behavior after I have told them to stop. Still, it has happened and I have had to repeatedly rebuff a select few. The only subliminal messages I sent to the hardcore ones were of the get the hell away from me and don't touch me variety. Some people don't listen.
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For simple attractions and crushes; just saying no is enough. Its whole another issue when the individual interacts by adding them on facebook or using body language that instigate another individual to pursue further. There is always a part that needs to be owned by the person supposedly being pursued. It's never as simple as I said no. We really don't know at the end because nobody knows how things went down and how the interactions were; We only have an account of the wife; whom is basing everything on what he said. Until we find out the perspective of the person who is pursuing; it's a he said she said game.
 
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solongotgon said:
For simple attractions and crushes; just saying no is enough. Its whole another issue when the individual interacts by adding them on facebook or using body language that instigate another individual to pursue further. There is always a part that needs to be owned by the person supposedly being pursued. It's never as simple as I said no. We really don't know at the end because nobody knows how things went down and how the interactions were; We only have an account of the wife; whom is basing everything on what he said. Until we find out the perspective of the person who is pursuing; it's a he said she said game.
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True, true.
 
In all fairness to my dearly beloved, he blocked her on FB.
 
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