[INFJ] - Trying to understand an INFJ post-breakup | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] Trying to understand an INFJ post-breakup

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by josevi, May 25, 2020.

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  1. josevi

    josevi Newbie

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    SORRY FOR THE LONG TEXT, BUT I HAD TO GIVE YOU AS MANY DETAILS AS I COULD!

    Hello, it has been around 2 weeks since me (ENTJ 23M) and my ex (INFJ 19F) broke up. She was the one who decided breakup. Basically the reason was that we started to detach from each other. At the beginning of February, she decided to go back to her country for 2 weeks, and when she was breaking up with me, she told me that she felt like she didn't miss me as much as she should have and that we didn't really talk a lot (Keep in mind that coronavirus was not a problem, so she was hanging out with her friends a lot. And sometimes I would go hours without sending a message because I was studying for exams). Considering that she was having vacation time and she would come back anyway, I didn't feel that I missed her that much too (I did miss her, and she did miss me... It just wasn't at the intensity she expected, I guess). Well, after she came back our conversations on Whatsapp started to become stagnant more and more each week and our meetings started to become the same every time, getting into a routine... and even some aspects that we loved had been left behind gradually (such as sex happening out of nowhere and not being something agreed between both). So as I told, I believe the main reason was detachment (and the other problems it caused)... it seemed like we didn't make a priority to see and talk to each other. When I asked her if she wanted to try work it out, she told me that she feared that it would make her create some type of hate for me if things continued as they were and that she wanted to end it while happy memories were all she had.

    After a lot of thinking and reflecting on how things went (and what she told me), it was clear that problems really started to appear at the middle of March and she really tried to solve things (by herself, without reaching me out to talk about problems and work it together) until around 10 of April... After that it was downhill and we broke up exactly one month later with her giving me all these reasons and saying that her feelings for me were more friendly than romantic (she did say that she still had affection for me). I also feel that my feelings were less intense than they were, but for me it seems normal that in a relationship, there might come times when the distance is a problem and somehow the connection between the couple is affected (She told me that even though this was happening, every time she met me, she felt her feelings going back to her again... I guess that our problem took too long to solve and she thought there was no way out of it)

    With all that being said, here are some other important parts to keep in mind:

    • While she was breaking up with me, she told me that if she later felt that it was a mistake, she would contact me. (kinda a bad move on her part... IDK why she did that. No, she is not someone to says that because it would make me better, and it was right after she said that she wanted to break up... So it was not that she told me this after I asked her several times for us to keep trying... which I did not.).

    • During our time together, she constantly told me that she never felt a romantic feeling for anyone as strong as she felt for me.

    • After her trip, even though she was worried about not missing me as much, she told me that she really wanted me to meet her mother when she came to visit her (3 weeks after she came back from her trip).

    • She said to me that I was one of the 4 people that she ever felt she could be 100% herself and comfortable (the others 3 being her 2 best friends and mother).

    • While she was on her trip, she admitted to me that she had fallen in love ( she never said 'I love you'... IDK, in our language, we have a different way of expressing it without saying love. It is like a state where you really really really like that person and really want to stay with her).

    • She was making plans to go to my hometown and meet my parents... We talked about it until around the mid/end of March and maybe even the beginning of April (I honestly don't remember).

    • Our relationship lasted almost 8 months ( official boyfriend/girlfriend relationship for 5 months and almost 3 months of 'pre BF/GF relationship').

    • One time I saw a message that a friend left for her that made her feel special... I was happy for her but felt that I didn't make her feel special enough. She saw through me and told me that I made her feel special always. This happened at the beginning of April.

    • When we were breaking up, she told me that it would be weird to see me with someone else, but that she would be happy because it would mean that I moved on. She also told me that she hoped one day I would contact her and be able to be friends. Keep in mind though that she is the tough type... When we first kissed, she told me 'I pray to God that I don't start liking you'. Later, she revealed to me that she already liked me back then. She is one of those that tries to mascarade her feelings (This might not be the case tho... I honestly don't know).

    • When she came back from her trip, she wasn't talkative online, but in person everything was perfect. When I asked her about that she just said that it was a state that she was at that moment and that in no way she wanted to create distance from me (she said that what mattered was how she acted when we were together physically). 3 weeks, after that she was really talkative and I was the one who wasn't talking a lot... Guess that is where the communication problems started to appear. Quarantine came about 3 weeks later and made everything worst.

    • When she started to tell me her reasons for wanting to break up, it was the first time in 8 months that I ever saw her cry (it was a short 15-30 seconds, but the first time). Keep in mind that once she had a HUGE fight with her father that made her and her father ignore each other for 1 month, and when I encountered her shortly after that, she started to have teary eyes but did not cry.

    • She canceled our meetings three times before breaking up. One around 18-20 of March (she said that it was due to her anxiety and mood that were affected because our city was put under quarantine. However, I am not sure if she also used this time to reflect on us because she was having doubts), another in the middle of April ( I sure she used this time to reflect on our relationship), and the third one on 30 of April (I guess this is the time she decided to really end it all)

    • She was my first GF and I was her first BF and sexual partner.

    • On 10 April, she decided to start taking birth control. I guess it was her way to commit to our relationship somehow, but I am sure that she was having doubts at that time. IDK what to think about it... I can just theorize.

    • The last time we met ( 24-26 of April), I thought we had a really good connection. During sex, we looked at each other in the eyes a lot and smiled, and we also had a good conversation that made us genuinely smile at each other (at least for my part... I feel that her smile was genuine too, but IDK... mostly of the times I can feel when there is something wrong with her, and this time I felt it was genuine... however I can't be sure).

    • During our break up, I and her admitted some of our errors. I admitted that I should have been more present, that I knew exactly what the problem was but decided to not acted (I honestly thought it was just a stage of our relationship that would pass. I believed quarantine was one of its cause). She admitted that she should have talked about it to me earlier, so we could have worked on it before it reached the point where it afflicted her so much that she thought ending the relationship was the best option for her.

    • She did not block me from her life. She was open to whatever questions I had about her side of the story (which I did during all day the day after of our break up), and answered every single one of them truthfully... at least that is what she told me). In fact, she even volunteered to meet me someday to talk, if I wanted to.

    • Our conversations online started to get stagnant, as I said. However, she said that every time we met, her sentiments for me were reassured and everything was fine once again. I guess that with time, the conversations (and the problems that appeared due to that) started to become a bigger problem.
    I know that some of the things I said are not really relevant... but who knows? You might see something I don't. I just wanted to give you as many details as possible so you could balance what you think of my situation. Sorry if I repeated myself in the text... I didn't write it in one go but decided to try to remember everything as the day went by and wrote it.

    Anyway, with all that being said, I want to ask your vision on this whole situation as an INFJ. I feel that when we broke up, she was sad because I was sad... That she had already processed everything and accepted that I would no longer be in her life. However, as an ENTJ, I can't see how she wouldn't think about me at least a bit after everything we did.

    I intend to use this time for reflection. To see what I did wrong and what I did right. At the moment, I am mostly angry at me for not being more present in our conversations when she needed (I knew our conversations were not ideal, I just didn't act and thought I could solve it later. Problem is I didn't take action). Our conversations had a 'stagnant time' 2 times before the one where we ended it. One before we even started dating and one right after. Both times I managed to be present and solve it... She is one of those people that absorbs the feelings of others (Is it an INFJ characteristic?), so I guess she absorbed my inaction in relation to our relationship and started to have second thoughts. Anyway, I really feel like coronavirus also played its role. Before corona, it was normal for us to meet at least twice a week (she walked 7km from her house to mine just to meet me), after corona we would meet one time per week at best.

    I really feel like our relationship could be so much more and last for years. I am right now in a state of inner thoughts and questioning some of my habits and decisions. Well, I am basically trying to improve. However, as I said, I do believe we could be more... So I am thinking if it would be the right idea to talk to her after I feel I have organized my thoughts. I basically want to start from zero and see if we can have a friendship that maybe could take us somewhere once again. It is not like the panicked thoughts of 'I need to get back with that person' right after a breakup, but more like 'I do believe we could be more and would love to try again'.

    So in short, please, give me your insight on this whole situation. Am I with the wrong mindset about having time for myself and giving her sometime? To want to talk to her after everything and see wherever it takes us? What about her? What do you guys think of her situation? Do you believe it is truly possible that she sees nothing in me now? Is it possible that she is indifferent about me and has no more interest? About me talking to her after some time, is there a chance that she would not want to even show interest in having contact after some time (doorslam) even after showing interest in it? And about where our future 'reconnection' would take, the more I read about INFJ, the more it seems to me that she may be totally fine and not even care if we talk in the future or not... Am I wrong here? I was hoping to start from 0 and see where it would take once again, but these thoughts are pushing me back a bit. I would really appreciate if you guys could give me your opinions. I do know that strangers on the internet is not the best place to search for opinions, but MBTI types seem to somewhat (I am still a bit skeptical about these things) work when trying to understand people, so maybe this post could give me some useful information.

    I have talked to other 2 INFJ girl that gave me their opinions. Both of them said that she is probably insecure and confused. It was her first relationship, and she noticed that things were not a all-time perfect fairy tale (They both said that she idealized the stuff about missing each other and so on...). One of them even said that while it might seem to me that she is indifferent about everything, it is not true. She said that it is more of a defense mechanism and that she is trying to pass the image that she is indifferent so she can believe that she does not need to suffer, and have time to figure out her emotions and heal. It actually makes sense to me because the first time we kissed she said that she would pray to God that she would never develop feelings for me (she later revealed that she already had feelings at that time). However, as the one on the 'receiving end' of the breakup, I can't picture her not being totally fine with everything.

    I really appreciate any insights! Hope you all have a good day.

    PS: I am sorry for the really long text hahaha
     
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  2. Hostarius

    Hostarius A L I G N

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    There's another guy in the picture, by the sounds of it.

    Or at least the waning attraction pattern suggests that - a drop in seratonin on her side resulting from her perception of your relative status.

    This is an opinion from a particular perspective, though, so I anticipate more balanced opinions from other members.
     
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  3. OP
    josevi

    josevi Newbie

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    Not trying to be against your opinion just for the sake of it, but having a third person is one of the things that is literally at the bottom of my worries. I am not saying there is not. I don't like to say I am sure of something. However, based on her what I and she lived, our relation, how open we were, and the fact that I knew most of her best friends/friends and heard what they had to say after we broke up, I very much doubt it. Also, keep in mind that we were in strict quarantine from the beginning of March until the beginning of May. We would basically only leave our houses to meet each other and buy groceries.

    Thanks for taking the time to read the post and reply!
     
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  4. Aneirin

    Aneirin AKA, David
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    Hard to say. . but it feels like you kind of already know the reason, you just weren't together and drifted apart. if that was the case, you probably don't belong together . . it happens, folks just don't fit. .they're good people, they just don't fit together
     
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  5. OP
    josevi

    josevi Newbie

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    Yes, I do feel like I know the reason (or at least the majority of it). It was a problem that started slowly and got to a point of no return. You know, I really wanted to work things out and I do believe that the relationship could be so much more, but problems just started appearing. I am constantly hurting myself thinking that I could be more present, but at the same time I also think that things just happened in a way that difficult everything for me and her. The pandemic made us see each other less, I was evicted from my apartment without notice (The owner just decided to sell out of nowhere), and on top of that, both I and she are having some financial troubles. I feel like all these problems contributed to us to shift the focus from each other to what was happening around us.

    I kinda want to believe that it is not that we don't belong together since I keep constantly thinking of the things we could have done and how it could be so much more. We did have an awesome relationship and fit until around the end of February/beginning of March (as I said, she did said to me she felt a strong connection with me), and it hurts me that instead of me and her being realistic and talking about our problems and trying to solve them, we just acted as everything was fine and got to this point. Right now I can only wish that in the future we can reach out to the other and see if things can work out this time. I guess this is what you can call hopeful thinking...

    I really would like to know how her mind is working right now... Is she totally fine with everything? Does she think that we could have solved our problems had we talked about them earlier? Is she going to be hesitant about talking to me in the future? IDK... Are INFJ usually ok with these types of things?
     
  6. Wildfire

    Wildfire Community Member

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    I'm sorry but we really can't answer these questions for you. I know MBTI might offer some valuable insights into ourselves and each other in general terms, but it really doesn't get this kind of specific.

    I really want to emphasize that she's an individual, not part of the Borg Collective. And while I'm afraid that might come off sounding kind of harsh, I still hope it gets my point across.
     
    #6 Wildfire, May 25, 2020
    Last edited: May 26, 2020
  7. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    Brother?
     
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  8. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    Anyway, you're young.

    You're gonna think I'm an asshole for saying this but don't take girls too seriously. Just focus on work. With women tell them that you're not a hook-up guy but a marriage guy. That way the silly ones will leave you alone and the good ones will give you the time of day.

    Also, focus on your work. There's going to come a time in your life when it's going to get really easy to date because you've made a real man of yourself.

    Focus on work, leisure, and sleep. The women will come in time so just leave them alone for now.
     
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  9. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    One of the things I'm trying to do is stay on top of my work right now and when I get that handle on it soon, noone is going to tell me shit.
     
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  10. ruji

    ruji Well-known member

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    She broke up with you because your life is a hologram. You're living in a simulation. The Illuminati is real. Aliens abducted her.
     
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  11. OP
    josevi

    josevi Newbie

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    I do understand that I can't categorize her as part of a group and hope I get all the answers. I guess that I am in a state where I just want insights of individuals that may have a similar thought process.

    And not, it was not even a bit harsh lol
     
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  12. OP
    josevi

    josevi Newbie

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    Oh, please, don't think that I chase every girl and grief whenever things go south. I do my own things and if they appear, they appear. The thing is... This one is different. The relationship until a certain point was honestly one of the reasons that made my life from September until March one of the best periods of my life. I really feel like the relationship could have been much more if I was more present and problems that were beyond our control had not appeared, and that is the reason why I plan start from 0 with her again in the future (after I organize my thoughts and think about my life choices and the course I am taking right now).

    And no, I do not think you are an asshole. To be honest, I totally emphasize with your mindset lol (an ENTJ thing maybe?).
     
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  13. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    Well, if her company makes you happy that's a good thing.

    I just wouldn't get too attached to that part of life. It's in the past for now so let her wait while you build yourself up.

    I'm a young man myself and my number one priority has got to be work. There's just no guarantees when it comes to romance so it's better to let that part of life work itself out.
     
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    josevi

    josevi Newbie

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    I understand your point, and to be honest, I had the same mindset before her (just do my own thing and care about romance later). I know it may kind stupid to you, as you are on that mindset, but what I had with her really makes me want to stay with her... I really can't tell how my experiences made me change my mindset that much, they just did. Right now I am focusing on college and other academic/work-related stuff and trying to see if I can 'reset' my state again to see if how things go with her after some time.

    Thanks for taking your time to answer though, appreciate it.
     
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