To work on or to break up?

[Soulful]

I am curious about what everyone thinks

How much do you work on relationships, especially when conflict arises (as it inevitably does) before you decide that it's not working?

What kinds of conflict are you willing to tolerate? How much conflict are you willing to tolerate?

Do you think there is an underlying theme to conflict in most relationships? And if so, can this theme be spotted and dealt with/avoided before conflict arises? (ex. miscommunication, being unable to understand where the other partner is coming from, etc.)

 

[Satya]

When people start violating your personal rights, then it is time to part ways.

 

[the]

I am pretty disillusioned with romantic relationships. When trouble comes I tend to push them away. As opposed to what I used to do which is just accept thier flaws and carry on.

 

[acd]

When conflict becomes abusive, it's time to break up. When someone hurts you and refuses to acknowledge your feelings because they are 'right'. AND/or when someone hurts you and only accepts responsibility (a very skewed idea of responsibility, this is) when you acknowledge that you drove them to hurt you. People can be in conflict without calling each other names and screaming and yelling and going on a rampage, you know?

If someone displays out of control tendencies during a conflict on a consistent basis, I think it's time to end it. No matter how much they apologize in that case...because it is likely that they are unhinged.

 

[just me]

It can be quite difficult to end something after putting a lot of work into it.
There are black-and-white-situations when you will just know. Then there are those you try to weather the storm out. Sometimes we see the storm and the other doesn't even know it is coming. Sometimes they become the storm.
People do not want to admit defeat, admit they made a bad decision, or do something when they have not exhausted their resources. However, I have RUN from something before that smelled of ruin and disaster.

 

[mszoe]

i often go through those questions in my relationships. i also agree with the above responses.

in my own introspection,
i found the below quick self-survey useful on when the relationship is too good to leave but too bad to stay...

http://jamesbkim.com/content/relationship-ambivalence

i have also used the "consummate love" litmus test to try to analyze.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Consummate_love
This is based on passion, intimacy, and commitment.

The tricky part is the relationship that "scores well" on all of these self-surveys yet still feels uncomfortable. what i mean is that as an INFJ, after all these J kinda assessments, it looks good, yet my NF part still feels uncertain. as such, i have been seeking to define "love" for myself. i think that personally, love has something in addition to someone "knowing" my habits beliefs interests values ethics, satisfying my sensual pleasures, and providing loyalty and commitment. i guess that "something" can only be validated by my NF aspect, which is tough when dating someone who is either less expressive or more temperamental.

i hope the above two sources were helpful to others.

 

[Naxx]

When conflict becomes abusive, it's time to break up. When someone hurts you and refuses to acknowledge your feelings because they are 'right'. AND/or when someone hurts you and only accepts responsibility (a very skewed idea of responsibility, this is) when you acknowledge that you drove them to hurt you. People can be in conflict without calling each other names and screaming and yelling and going on a rampage, you know?

If someone displays out of control tendencies during a conflict on a consistent basis, I think it's time to end it. No matter how much they apologize in that case...because it is likely that they are unhinged.

I agree with Merry. If they are unhinged like shes said they'll repeat the offenses again and again. They might be sorry but sorry are of little value when there is little change in outcome.

 

[IndigoSensor]

It really depends on what I think of the person. If I really care for them, and value them, I will most certianly work on the relationship with them. If I don't though, then I will just drift away from that person.

 

[Motor Jax]

i had a lot of trouble in my second marriage...

everyone here knows that i am a bit burned out on this 'love' thing... and i would be the last person to give any working advice, cause evidently i guess i can't seem to get it right...

but in my worst years, mainly my second marriage, i really really tried to make it work, even though i knew i was in the middle of the storm... i was pretty much the center of the eye of the hurricane... and so i read, studied, took classes, talked with the wife to see what we could do... end the end, after all the years and work, it never worked out... she left, made accusations, and made my life a living hell...

one of the books i got into reading are His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley...

Marriage Builders.com


it definitely has some sound advice in it though...

 

[54192&#cmy]

That sucks Motor Jax. I too have been bit by love a few too many times. It really changes you. I always take people for who they appear to be at first only to find out that I have been duped! I guess love is blind. I have learned to take the blinders off now. I would drive the ship to the bottom of the sea before I would quit in the past. Today I am more realistic when it's time you will know. And if you are feeling like it's time, it most likely is..

 

[Creon]

It really depends on what I think of the person. If I really care for them, and value them, I will most certianly work on the relationship with them. If I don't though, then I will just drift away from that person.

I totally agree. But, judging by all my previous relationships, I tend to break up in the worst possible way. Drifting away without saying a word is something I do when I'm dealing with friends.