[INFJ] To date or not to date?

Rycka

Rycka

Regular Poster
MBTI
INFJ
Hello guys!

Background:

I have a tricky situation on my side. When I was younger, I found a friend who I could consider to be a Playboy. He's an ENFP, I'm INFJ and from him I have learned how to talk and deal with women.

I have had quite a few girls on my side, but never girls with whom I'd like to have serious relationship with. I tried, but either I didn't feel the emotional connection, or it would be an unfulfilled love from my side. I'd start idealizing it and that would be the end of it.

Then at some point I chose to try out short-term things. Had a good success in it, but after each interaction I felt bad, emotionally dead and disgusted. I don't know why I did that, maybe for the sake of experience, but later made a conclusion that I don't want any intimacy without strong emotional connection.

Problem:

I had intimacy and what not with girls that are older than me, younger than me, but .. after a long while I have found someone that I could potentially build a relationships with. The problem? I'm 26 and she's 17. She's studying already, is very smart for her age, but I think she's a virgin and she's a Belarussian too ( women there earlier start families )

Nothing has happened between us yet and my morals don't allow that, and I'm not sure if I should just wait 1 year and start a relationship or just let her find someone else. What do you think? I just feel like I'm too fucked and experienced and I don't want to bring this into her life, as I care about this individual.
 
Rycka said:
Hello guys!

Background:

I have a tricky situation on my side. When I was younger, I found a friend who I could consider to be a Playboy. He's an ENFP, I'm INFJ and from him I have learned how to talk and deal with women.

I have had quite a few girls on my side, but never girls with whom I'd like to have serious relationship with. I tried, but either I didn't feel the emotional connection, or it would be an unfulfilled love from my side. I'd start idealizing it and that would be the end of it.

Then at some point I chose to try out short-term things. Had a good success in it, but after each interaction I felt bad, emotionally dead and disgusted. I don't know why I did that, maybe for the sake of experience, but later made a conclusion that I don't want any intimacy without strong emotional connection.

Problem:

I had intimacy and what not with girls that are older than me, younger than me, but .. after a long while I have found someone that I could potentially build a relationships with. The problem? I'm 26 and she's 17. She's studying already, is very smart for her age, but I think she's a virgin and she's a Belarussian too ( women there earlier start families )

Nothing has happened between us yet and my morals don't allow that, and I'm not sure if I should just wait 1 year and start a relationship or just let her find someone else. What do you think? I just feel like I'm too fucked and experienced and I don't want to bring this into her life, as I care about this individual.
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I was preyed upon by a sexual predator here on the forum, actually. I believe I was 16 and he was 24.

The human brain doesn't fully develop for women until about the age of 25.

If you genuinely care about her, you have to consider the person she is going to become once her brain is fully developed. She is incapable of making rational decisions at this age.

I really felt violated that this man basically took advantage of my young age and bad home life. He gave me the attention and validation I craved but at the cost of my innocence and mental stability. It really did mess up my perception of what a healthy relationship looks like and it took me a long time to recover from it.

Knowing this information from the perspective of the younger girl I hope you are able to make an informed decision.
 
@Rycka – No. And you answered your own question in your post. You already know the age gap isn't appropriate.


A question (that I'm not exactly expecting you to answer on a public forum, but it is something to think about). I am not trying to be rude, but helpful: While I understand how difficult it is for less common types like INFJs to connect with others, why are you mentally attracted to someone so young?
I recommend spending some time working on yourself.
 
Asa said:
@Rycka – No. And you answered your own question in your post. You already know the age gap isn't appropriate.


A question (that I'm not exactly expecting you to answer on a public forum, but it is something to think about). I am not trying to be rude, but helpful: While I understand how difficult it is for less common types like INFJs to connect with others, why are you mentally attracted to someone so young?
I recommend spending some time working on yourself.
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I don't mind, I love a good conversation. Anyways, long story short - I decided to stop talking with her.

And it's quite funny, when people just jump into conclusions and consider such people to already be sexual predators or creatures of similar kind. Like I've said, nothing happened, I was just having friendly conversations and sharing knowledge with each other. I was learning how to speak in a foreign language from her, so this was the catalyst of me being mentally attracted to her.

If you want, we can hop into private chat and have a more lengthy and interesting chat regarding relationships and life in general.
 
slant said:
I was preyed upon by a sexual predator here on the forum, actually. I believe I was 16 and he was 24.

The human brain doesn't fully develop for women until about the age of 25.

If you genuinely care about her, you have to consider the person she is going to become once her brain is fully developed. She is incapable of making rational decisions at this age.

I really felt violated that this man basically took advantage of my young age and bad home life. He gave me the attention and validation I craved but at the cost of my innocence and mental stability. It really did mess up my perception of what a healthy relationship looks like and it took me a long time to recover from it.

Knowing this information from the perspective of the younger girl I hope you are able to make an informed decision.
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Sorry to hear that and thanks for sharing this story with us. From my side, I was just curious and wanted to learn about different points of view.
 
Rycka said:
And it's quite funny, when people just jump into conclusions and consider such people to already be sexual predators or creatures of similar kind.
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It's the way you introduced the topic. You outlined yourself as someone who has been experimenting with fairly casual sexual relationships - it sounded like you were torn two ways and were sorely tempted. It also sounded a bit like you were trying to be controversial to see what kind of response you would get here.

Rycka said:
I decided to stop talking with her.
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I'm sure this is the right course of action. Not only for her, which is vital, but for your own sake too - many INFJs would find the guilt of damaging someone so young very difficult to live with when it all went pear-shaped, which is more than possible.
 
John K said:
It's the way you introduced the topic. You outlined yourself as someone who has been experimenting with fairly casual sexual relationships - it sounded like you were torn two ways and were sorely tempted. It also sounded a bit like you were trying to be controversial to see what kind of response you would get here.

I'm sure this is the right course of action. Not only for her, which is vital, but for your own sake too - many INFJs would find the guilt of damaging someone so young very difficult to live with when it all went pear-shaped, which is more than possible.
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Perception is everything, isn't it? I have a question for you: what do you think about this quote ,, With each new relationship, people tend to give less of themselves. '' ?
 
Rycka said:
I have a question for you: what do you think about this quote ,, With each new relationship, people tend to give less of themselves. '' ?
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Oh gosh that depends on so many things. What is meant by 'relationship', 'give', 'of themselves'? Just taking the phrase as it stands and making assumptions, then people will give more of themselves with each relationship at first. That's because they are learning how to give and are maturing - most of us go through this experience with a number of boy or girlfriends when we are young. There is a sort of small death with each failed relationship though, particularly for people who are repeatedly breaking faith, and eventually this will come to dominate and consume something essential within them - they will give less of themselves in future relationships because there is less to give. Similarly, for people who are repeatedly let down they will lose trust and will give less - though that may well be reversed if they meet someone they can eventually come to trust, but that will take much time.

But it depends what sort of relationship you mean. If you look at the relationship with your children for instance, then obviously if you have 13 then you will give each of them less of your time and attention than if you have two lol. Friendship relationships are like that too - people with a few close friends will give each of them more than someone with many, many friends.

Rycka said:
Perception is everything, isn't it?
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Well not really - there has to be something to perceive, and that will set the agenda for what is perceived. It isn't so easy to mistake something banana shaped for a bunch of grapes for example. Of course if you put the grapes inside a banana skin and make it look like a banana then .... ;)
 
John K said:
Oh gosh that depends on so many things. What is meant by 'relationship', 'give', 'of themselves'? Just taking the phrase as it stands and making assumptions, then people will give more of themselves with each relationship at first. That's because they are learning how to give and are maturing - most of us go through this experience with a number of boy or girlfriends when we are young. There is a sort of small death with each failed relationship though, particularly for people who are repeatedly breaking faith, and eventually this will come to dominate and consume something essential within them - they will give less of themselves in future relationships because there is less to give. Similarly, for people who are repeatedly let down they will lose trust and will give less - though that may well be reversed if they meet someone they can eventually come to trust, but that will take much time.

But it depends what sort of relationship you mean. If you look at the relationship with your children for instance, then obviously if you have 13 then you will give each of them less of your time and attention than if you have two lol. Friendship relationships are like that too - people with a few close friends will give each of them more than someone with many, many friends.


Well not really - there has to be something to perceive, and that will set the agenda for what is perceived. It isn't so easy to mistake something banana shaped for a bunch of grapes for example. Of course if you put the grapes inside a banana skin and make it look like a banana then .... ;)
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I like the way you express it, by saying ' small death '. It's a little bit sad to see, though and in my opinion that's also something that needs to be fought against. No fun living your life and feeling like an emotionally numb zombie inside, fearing vulnerability, judgement, criticism and eventually forgetting what it means to actually live.
 
Hello
I can tell that I might know someone who started to weirdly show interest in me, but she shouldn't, because she already has a boyfriend.
I wasn't sure that she was into me, I still struggle to think that's true or just in my mind, she's hot and it's been 1 year at least, and I can't deny that all the others(coworkers) have thought that we might end up being lovers, despite the fact that she has a bf. I don't really know why, but it sucks when all the people plot not against you, try to follow me, but in your favour, and this is what I got by intuition. So it's a massive brain-draining conjecture what I have been thinking on the base of what I felt, and dealt as an INFJ for 1 year, and got bigger and bigger feeling that's effing true, and not fading like usually when you just keep feeling-thinking and make up all in your head things just because you would like. Especially I got many let's say many hints(too many... overwhelming to say the least), on behalf of all the people around, friends of her at a party, not only on the workplace which is crazy now because it's almost like a meme, where she is like stripteasing me and me faking that I don't live in that reality. I can't tell you why but the premises for the relationship with her have always been of friendship only, because we are not supposed to date or make out and stuff, she can't think about that seriously, I keep thinking that she is just tempting me and testing me but don't really mean it.
It happened one year ago, that I asked her out, but not for dating, I didn't express anything in my body language or words to make her think about dating, but she organised it like it anyway instead. I was totally unprepared and attentive, focused at what was going on, on all levels, she was at her ease well dressed damn it, me on the other hand not very elegant, less than casual let's say, and I think that she got since we met there that I wasn't asking her for a date. Anyway, what happened was that we spoke, we started our friendship on that base, which I kind of accidentally forced on her, on us actually, because I could have chosen to detour the evening in the way that she wanted for sure, reading what she was presumably thinking... I didn't honestly expect that, because she is hot and I don't think clearly about them anything, and so I give up reading what hot girls are thinking, and we just started to work together so I was genuinely only thinking of chatting with her because by instinct I could only tell that she was down on earth and easy, approachable, and a possible and compatible friend for my peace of mind, and I just wanted in her a friend especially since I got that she has a boyfriend... so... in that way, I totally put myself at ease and just in the mindset of knowing a new nice person.
Well after that evening we started that friendship but was awkward and so I just gave her space and time, to myself too, because anyway thinking about what I missed...
It's weird, how she thought immediately that I was gay, she was really convinced of that. She asked all the other people and not me. Anyway, many things happened since then...
And she tried again to allure me as soon as we restarted to work after the lockdown. But I am too loyal to what I started to show, and we started, what it should be, and to the rules, the moral implications and all... I even shake her boyfriend's hand, we know each other and the party and all the stuff...
it's kind of intoxicating me all this story because we definitely miss each other all the times that we don't see each other, and I think I am right to speak for both of us that we are suffering missing each other. We texted just once during the first lockdown, and she kind of replied about missing me, but I can't measure it, so I couldn't tell by text, I mean I didn't want to feed up the texting between us, which I forced myself to keep at the minimum, while on the other hand for her the impersonal communication is definitely not her thing, so anything that's internet or chatting or texting, she is kind of indifferent about all of that.

I think after all that she might just be passionately attracted by me, for some reason which I might know what's that, but not telling here, and that in the end since I regained lucidity, I think we are not made for each other. I would suffer maybe more if knowing that she might do the same that she is doing with her boyfriend...
she is what I think is an ESFP...
 
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