This thing called relationships...

darkstar

darkstar

Community Member
MBTI
INFJ
I guess, I'll never understand this whole relationship thing.

I desire it so much, too much if I do say so.

I have come to realize that I have to be the right person to be with the right person.

But alas.

What shall I do in the meantime?

I mean, even my friendships are starting to deteriorate.

Every time I get together with my friends, they want to drink, or do drugs, or trespass somewhere.

I always feel bad for bailing on them, but they know how I feel about all of that.

The thing is, I'm not depressed.

I'm more motivated than ever, just extremely tired. I think I have been keeping myself busy to avoid feelings.

My creativity is sapped.

I see so many people, who are in relationships. And when those end, within a month or two they have a new one.

I can't even imagine that, since I haven't had a relationship. Hell, I haven't been on a date.

And it's just because I'm not the person I need to be.. yet.

But how,

do I become this great guy? Instead of just being nice guy?

And how do I sustain myself for another year, two, three?

However long it takes.

I don't know why I want it so badly, especially when I am so unprepared for it.

I fear my motivation will falter again.

Without someone to love, to share a simple hug with.

It's amazing, how someone can ache for hug, especially in America, where people are treated like they have the plague because of "personal space."

but I digress. (I've always wanted to say that)

What I really want is to be the kind of person I need to be, so that when the time comes, I too can have a great relationship.

south-coast-western-australia.jpg
 
Well, for one it sounds like you should find some new friends (doesn't mean you have to get rid of them), if you feel that out of place and you are that different from them.

Also, I can understand your desire for a relationship, believe me I really do. I also am very picky and exacting in what I want, and I have to come to realise that I need a certian kind of person, and the likelyhood of me meeting them is very low.

If you really want some experience though, then look for someone. They might not be perfect, but if they are good enough to go for a little while, then go for it. It is better to at least test the waters a little bit, knowing it won't be great, then to do nothing at all. This way, you will have some experience. You also will learn ALOT about yourself and how you act in relationships, which is actually very important, and hard to imagine outside of actually having one.
 
IndigoSensor said:
Well, for one it sounds like you should find some new friends (doesn't mean you have to get rid of them), if you feel that out of place and you are that different from them.

Also, I can understand your desire for a relationship, believe me I really do. I also am very picky and exacting in what I want, and I have to come to realise that I need a certian kind of person, and the likelyhood of me meeting them is very low.

If you really want some experience though, then look for someone. They might not be perfect, but if they are good enough to go for a little while, then go for it. It is better to at least test the waters a little bit, knowing it won't be great, then to do nothing at all. This way, you will have some experience. You also will learn ALOT about yourself and how you act in relationships, which is actually very important, and hard to imagine outside of actually having one.
Click to expand...


The problem with that is, I've never really found a girl who is interested in me at all like that.

Well, not since highschool, and that doesn't count. I never actually took that opportunity really, and besides, their stability was questionable.

I think I'd be good at relationships, I tend to have the theory down, but the implementation is the hard part.

It's especially frustrating when a girl says all the characteristics they want in a guy to you, but NOT you.

It'd be like telling someone in an interview that they were fully qualified, but they just don't feel you would be suited, without giving you a reason.
 
The thing is, you might think about it and have all these great ideas for relationships; it looks great on paper. However, once you get involved you realise they don't always translate over.

Just try putting your self out there more. I know this is easier said then done, but you should. If you are shy about it try using internet sites.
 
IndigoSensor said:
The thing is, you might think about it and have all these great ideas for relationships; it looks great on paper. However, once you get involved you realise they don't always translate over.

Just try putting your self out there more. I know this is easier said then done, but you should. If you are shy about it try using internet sites.
Click to expand...

Yeah, relationships on paper always work, in real life, not so much. (hehe, just like socialism :P)


I'm not even shy about it much anymore (thanks to EFT :D)

I go to a school that is mostly male, and I don't get out much. What good would dating sites do if, like I said, I am not the right person yet?

Thanks for the replies btw Indigo. I don't mean to sound negative, I'm just cynical :P
 
EFT is very very useful. I only implement it a bit though (I should do it more, life just distracts me).

I use dating sites a bit. What I do is, I make a profile, I am honest about myself and don't say much. I wait for people to come to me, and filter as such. It might not do anything right away, but it might bring a plesent surpize down the road.
 
IndigoSensor said:
EFT is very very useful. I only implement it a bit though (I should do it more, life just distracts me).

I use dating sites a bit. What I do is, I make a profile, I am honest about myself and don't say much. I wait for people to come to me, and filter as such. It might not do anything right away, but it might bring a plesent surpize down the road.
Click to expand...

HA, I'm so resistant to that.

Maybe I should tap that feeling ;)
 
darkstar said:
It's especially frustrating when a girl says all the characteristics they want in a guy to you, but NOT you.

It'd be like telling someone in an interview that they were fully qualified, but they just don't feel you would be suited, without giving you a reason.
Click to expand...

That means, that you're doing it wrong. She's treating you like a girlfriend, because you probably act like one.

My track record is not that great either, but at least I'm getting better and better results lately, so I think I'm going in the right direction. The key was that I was greatly misguided by our society stereotypes on gender roles.

The popular myth says that men are pigs, their needs are filthy and repulsing to women (there's even a thread on this forum). And if you ask a girl what she wants, she would commonly say things like "sensitive, romantic, attentive" and so on. So a sensitive guy like me would come to a misguided conclusion that these desired qualities sound remarkably like him, but that he must also suppress his own "dirty" needs in order to get a girlfriend. And guess what - it never works! The guys who are indifferent, uncaring, even abusive are the ones who have no problems on finding a girl. At that point the romantic would feel cheated and undervalued. They would face a terrible dilemma: either betray themselves and become one of the "bad" guys or be forever lonely.

But it doesn't have to be like this. If you go to the beginning, the needs of a man are no "dirtier" than those of a woman. We both need emotional connection and sex and we can't have it while being alone. You have a full right to express this to a girl - and if she cannot handle that, then it's her problem. In fact if you suppress it, most girls would assume that you're not interested and would automatically assign you to a "friends" category. If you do it right at the beginning then you can be as romantic and sensitive as you want.

The formula comes down to this (SN satisfied sexual needs, EN satisfied emotional needs):

SN - EN = an unfulfilled relationship
EN - SN = "mr nice guy"
SN + EN = a happy relationship
 
Last edited:
Tamagochi said:
That means, that you're doing it wrong. She's treating you like a girlfriend, because you probably act like one.

My track record is not that great either, but at least I'm getting better and better results lately, so I think I'm going in the right direction. The key was that I was greatly misguided by our society stereotypes on gender roles.

The popular myth says that men are pigs, their needs are filthy and repulsing to women (there's even a thread on this forum). And if you ask a girl what she wants, she would commonly say things like "sensitive, romantic, attentive" and so on. So a sensitive guy like me would come to a misguided conclusion that these desired qualities sound remarkably like him, but that he must also suppress his own "dirty" needs in order to get a girlfriend. And guess what - it never works! The guys who are indifferent, uncaring, even abusive are the ones who have no problems on finding a girl. At that point the romantic would feel cheated and undervalued. They would face a terrible dilemma: either betray themselves and become one of the "bad" guys or be forever lonely.

But it doesn't have to be like this. If you go to the beginning, the needs of a man are no "dirtier" than those of a woman. We both need emotional connection and sex and we can't have it while being alone. You have a full right to express this to a girl - and if she cannot handle that, then it's her problem. In fact if you suppress it, most girls would assume that you're not interested and would automatically assign you to a "friends" category. If you do it right at the beginning then you can be as romantic and sensitive as you want.

The formula comes down to this (SN satisfied sexual needs, EN satisfied emotional needs):

SN - EN = an unfulfilled relationship
EN - SN = "mr nice guy"
SN + EN = a happy relationship
Click to expand...


Whoa Damn! You said it!! Can I repost this on my other forum?

I think they need to hear it.
 
by all means spread the word if you find it useful :D

Or even better - read this book. It's where this stuff came from and it's explained in much greater detail.
 
IndigoSensor said:
EFT is very very useful. I only implement it a bit though (I should do it more, life just distracts me).
Click to expand...

EFT is incredibly dangerous. It suppresses emotions rather than dealing with them. I did it for a brief period and was amazed at its effectiveness. Don't turn yourself into a zombie.
 
Wyote said:
EFT is incredibly dangerous. It suppresses emotions rather than dealing with them. I did it for a brief period and was amazed at its effectiveness. Don't turn yourself into a zombie.
Click to expand...

That is precicely why I only use it in small ammounts.
 
Wyote said:
EFT is incredibly dangerous. It suppresses emotions rather than dealing with them. I did it for a brief period and was amazed at its effectiveness. Don't turn yourself into a zombie.
Click to expand...

If EFT suppresses emotions, it's not EFT.

It doesn't make you a zombie, it does however, clear out your negative beliefs.

So I guess if all you are is negative, then it would make you a zombie.

You should be doing the choices method to tap in positive ones.

I have been doing this for over a year and I am anything but a zombie.

Wyote, who told you or how did you come to that conclusion?
 
darkstar said:
It's especially frustrating when a girl says all the characteristics they want in a guy to you, but NOT you.

It'd be like telling someone in an interview that they were fully qualified, but they just don't feel you would be suited, without giving you a reason.
Click to expand...

Yuck. That's rough! I'll be keeping this analogy in mind, darkstar. ;)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top