The Single Stigma | INFJ Forum

The Single Stigma

slant

slant

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Whether unspoken or said aloud, there is a cultural stigma surrounded to the concept of being single. This is illustrated in our media with movie and television that have some very common themes:

No one wants to be single, and the only reason to be single is if you are x which is a sad reason indeed.

In many movies scenes there's a concept called 'setting up' someone, or blind dating. It appears that the sight of a close friend being single is visibly upsetting about so various attempts to get a person into a relationship are made. I have seen very few heroes or heroines who are single throughout a movie and remain single during the duration of the said movie- and it seems to me, the themes of television programming are capable of making shows centered around law enforcement always about the sex and romantic relationships of co-workers.

Television aside, I've experienced personally in my own life a sort of turning of the nose when being single is mentioned. If you are single for a while often people will ask why, and to my recollection, here are the most common assumed reasons:

-X just got over a bad breaking and is waiting until he/she is ready to date again

-X is ugly, either physically or in personality, and no one would want to date X

- X is gay but doesn't want to come out of the closet

- X is afraid of a serious committed relationship

-X is not ready for a serious committed relationship

-X has not met the right person for him/her


Notice that all of these explanations hinge of the very edge of the idea that there has to be an -excuse- for not dating or rather just being single. There's no reason -not- to be in a committed relationship is the common thought process and so excuses are commonly made up to justify in individual's heads why this might be the case.

People will go so far as to continue to ask and berate people for being single, and by the time you're around 40 if you're single, it seems even families begin to get worried and come up with a whirlwind of excuses. Banking on that, often times the excuse other people project onto these said people are that they are 'focusing on their career/other activity right now'.

Then what is wrong with being single and why is there such a stigma attached to it? I for one, am extremely content with being single and I don't go around trying to pair myself up with anyone...I'm fine being single, I'm much happier being single and the reason I'm not dating has NOTHING absolutely NOTHING to do with the excuses people try to paint on me and others like me.

In a society which holidays like Valentine's day are so prided and a culture where being single means that there is something wrong with you, it's no wonder that there are so many dating websites and so many people willing to throw themselves at complete strangers just to feel secure within their surroundings. Does having a partner make people feel as if they are worth more to society or as if they are better grounded and more of a developed person? I can say one thing for sure. Stigmatizing single people isn't affecting our world in a positive way and so I wanted to start a discussion to see if anyone else has noticed this, and what their particular perception on the issue boiled down to.
 
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slant said:
- X is gay but doesn't want to come out of the closet
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People actually think this about me a lot, I've been single for nearly 5 years. I don't really want a relationship however I have started dating because sometimes I feel like I want that romance and that spark, and the little lustful butterflies and excitement and anticipation. for a long time I was feeling down about being single but more recently it occurred to me that I don't really want a relationship and the reason I actually felt down was more of a feeling of inadequacy and unwantedness as opposed to loneliness being that I prefer to be alone most of the time, and that being in a relationship where someone wants to be near me all the time and share my alone space would make me feel like I was suffocating.
 
Sali said:
People actually think this about me a lot, I've been single for nearly 5 years. I don't really want a relationship however I have started dating because sometimes I feel like I want that romance and that spark, and the little lustful butterflies and excitement and anticipation. for a long time I was feeling down about being single but more recently it occurred to me that I don't really want a relationship and the reason I actually felt down was more of a feeling of inadequacy and unwantedness as opposed to loneliness being that I prefer to be alone most of the time, and that being in a relationship where someone wants to be near me all the time and share my alone space would make me feel like I was suffocating.
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I share your sentiments.
 
Whenever I go home for holidays, the first thing my relatives ask me is if "I'm seeing anyone" or whether "there's a guy in my life". I know they mean well, but it gets irritating -- because you're right, there's a stigma attached to being single. The majority of people don't understand that being single is enjoyable, liberating, and FUN! They assume that everyone who's single is just in a state of limbo until something better comes along.

Saying, "I just like being single" or "I'm not looking for a relationship" only leads to knowing looks and "bless your hearts". It's a subject I now just try to avoid. :)
 
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It may depend on your culture as well. I'm living with my mother, and she could care less if I see anyone. In fact, it probably wouldn't be so bad if she encouraged me a bit more...

But honestly, the more unhappy marriages and the more fights and weird stalker behavior I see, the better I feel about being single. No worries, I like where I am right now. Nice not to have that pressure either.

Sure, I'm sure some folks have talked - some think I should be a "cougar" and catch some young'in...but I figure if it happens, it happens. If not, it's all okay too.
 
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arbygil said:
It may depend on your culture as well. I'm living with my mother, and she could care less if I see anyone. In fact, it probably wouldn't be so bad if she encouraged me a bit more...

But honestly, the more unhappy marriages and the more fights and weird stalker behavior I see, the better I feel about being single. No worries, I like where I am right now. Nice not to have that pressure either.

Sure, I'm sure some folks have talked - some think I should be a "cougar" and catch some young'in...but I figure if it happens, it happens. If not, it's all okay too.
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RAWR!!!:m026:
 
I have totally felt the single stigma! It is frustrating beyond words. I'm with you on this one, slant.

I don't mind people wanting me to be happy, but just because a significant other made them happy, does not mean it's going to make me happy.

Sometimes, the big deal people make over my singleness starts to feel like a privacy violation, like everyone is trying to suffocate me in they're opinion of happiness.

I say, be content, whatever you do. If you want to be single, be single. If you are one of those people who want to not be single, then be content until you find someone you want to be with. I feel like that would help with the stigma: if people could learn contentment.
 
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[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AwaA85nEbE"]YouTube - Natasha Bedingfield - Single[/ame]
 
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Yeah, i feel the single stigma a bit. And the virgin stigma too. I'm just a lonely college guy i guess. But yes, i get made fun of quite a bit for my lack of everything. I have a friend who is engaged at 19 and he has made fun of me for it quite a bit for the past month in particular. So, i take every instance to be a subtle dick to him. I'm just trying to hold back how i really feel about his gf so that i don't upset him to much.

Sometimes, i feel like people in relationships look down at people who aren't and in my case, make me out to be extremely naive.
 
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If you are in any way noticeably different, people tend to treat you as you need repair, and they, most of the time, try to repair you themselves. This grates my nerves, though I'm not single and thus am not under that single stigma. But I do think that it's like anything else. There are certain values and paths made by society, and if you don't conform something has to be done with you. This approach tends to suffocate any creativity and individuality that person has.
 
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Spot on.
How many times have I been to that "Bridget Jones' Diary" dinner party of couples and been that one single girl (covered in scales)?
More times than I care to count.
 
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I value my independence. So I don't mind being single.
Yes, others have told me: 'WE NED 2 FIND U GUD GIRL' but they luckily never end up doing so.
Probably because they'd be ashamed of my behaviour when I'm around their friends who they want to hook me up with.
 
ditto. relationships are incredible overrated. I'd rather have good friends, strangers with benefits, and a cat so I don't have to sleep alone. Putting all of these functions into one person is both risky and boring.
 
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Why does being single get equated with being independent and being ..not-single imply dependence?

I don't think being single in our culture is looked down upon these days. If anything, I'd say I see the opposite. People are much more encouraged to finish their education and see the world etc. etc. than to just settle down with someone. But I'm speaking for my age group, mid-twenties.
 
acd said:
Why does being single get equated with being independent and being ..not-single imply dependence?
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Because if you're single, you don't have to do things you don't want.
And of course, you could say, 'I don't do things I don't want to do when I'm in a relationship. I do whatever I want!'

But you always need to make compromises.
 
The Jester said:
Because if you're single, you don't have to do things you don't want.
And of course, you could say, 'I don't do things I don't want to do when I'm in a relationship. I do whatever I want!'

But you always need to make compromises.
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You make compromises as a single person to others anyways if you want to maintain any sort of relationship with anyone.
Being in the right relationship means less compromise more agreement. So, I'd agree that it's better to be single than in a relationship where you never get what you want. That's just incompatibility.

And..
Single or not, there's a very slim chance you can just do whatever you want to do at any given time anyway. I'm sure an unemployed person could say the same thing: "I enjoy the independence. No one to answer to."
 
acd said:
You make compromises as a single person to others anyways if you want to maintain any sort of relationship with anyone.

Single or not, there's a very slim chance you can just do whatever you want to do at any given time. I'm sure an unemployed person could say the same thing: "I enjoy the independence. No one to answer to."
Click to expand...

That's true.
I was thinking of doing what I want within the legal boundaries and within my possibilities though.
 
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