The introvert and guests

[acd]

My bf has a friend who wants to come over every week and hang out.
I like his friend, but it annoys me.

It annoys me because I don't even have my friends come and hang out at my house...
I like my home to be private and it is the one place where I feel I can relax.
It is my fortress of solitude.

I wish they would just go out and hang somewhere else or get a beer... but his friend explicitly wants to come here and play video games...
And it's not fair to tell him he can't have his friends over.

Any comments or advice welcome.

 

[Nixie]

I would hope you have talked with your bf about how you feel. Otherwise it is easy to feel angry and start to get someway. I feel the exact same way about my house. If I allow someone in my house, it is a mark of extreme closeness on my part. I did have my totally extroverted sister living near me for awhile, going to school. I really had to let her know what I was comfortable with and what I wasn't. We ended up with her bf practically living with us but at least I was part of the process, and we actually became really good friends even though he broke up with my sister.

I would really work hard at considering what you are able to tolerate and negotiate what is acceptable to each of you. Like maybe they can only meet on these days or this many times in the month--stuff like that. Also, perhaps when he is in the house you can schedule to be doing something you have been putting off. Go into a room and shut the door and do your nails, read a book, find something enjoyable to do so you begin to look forward to him being there.

 

[Stu]

Put on your June Cleaver pearls and make them sandwiches, then duck out to a bookstore. [MENTION=1939]Stu[/MENTION]

 

[Ryo]

I would hope you have talked with your bf about how you feel. Otherwise it is easy to feel angry and start to get someway. I feel the exact same way about my house. If I allow someone in my house, it is a mark of extreme closeness on my part. I did have my totally extroverted sister living near me for awhile, going to school. I really had to let her know what I was comfortable with and what I wasn't. We ended up with her bf practically living with us but at least I was part of the process, and we actually became really good friends even though he broke up with my sister.

I would really work hard at considering what you are able to tolerate and negotiate what is acceptable to each of you. Like maybe they can only meet on these days or this many times in the month--stuff like that. Also, perhaps when he is in the house you can schedule to be doing something you have been putting off. Go into a room and shut the door and do your nails, read a book, find something enjoyable to do so you begin to look forward to him being there.

This. I have almost the exact situation and I've been forced to create a fortress of solitude within my fortress of solitude. It actually works quite well. Get a movie, some headphones, whatever you can.

 

[acd]

He knows how weirdly reclusive I am, and if I asked him not to have his friend over, he wouldn't.

But it's not fair to do that so I don't... and I don't make an issue out of it I usually hang out a bit then do something else..
I think @Stormy1 touched on something.. I don't know his friend that well.
I like the guy, but you know, sometimes (ok actually most of the time) I just want to stay in my pajamas and eat whipped cream out of a can and not clean the place for company.

I guess I feel like I should do a bit of hostessing and I'd rather be lazy and yet not have anyone think I'm a slob lol.

 

[Optimist]

Like maybe they can only meet on these days or this many times in the month--stuff like that.

GAH! Noooooo!!!! Please don't be a control freak! Boundaries are good, but visitation hours are creepy!
Oh hold on... Someone's coming. Crap, lights off was an hour ago. Well I guess I'll be seeing you guys in a few years! (eh so I exaggerate... But the sentiment is the same. Me no likee controlling peoples)

 

[the]

I think you already know that you have to say something about it. Idk what else to tell you, he's not a mind reader.

 

[anarkandi]

My bf has a friend who wants to come over every week and hang out.
I like his friend, but it annoys me.

Consider it an opportunity to go out and do other things, maybe sit at a cafe, go to the library, just go out and enjoy the things around you.

And I feel you. And it's good that you don't try to control him. It's ok to tell him how you feel, just do it in a way that he doesen't feel controlled, then he'll try to make sure to get by with your feelings, but still be able to do things his way.

 

[Billy]

haha, Fi based types... I welcome all guests into my home!

 

[acd]

GAH! Noooooo!!!! Please don't be a control freak! Boundaries are good, but visitation hours are creepy!
Oh hold on... Someone's coming. Crap, lights off was an hour ago. Well I guess I'll be seeing you guys in a few years! (eh so I exaggerate... But the sentiment is the same. Me no likee controlling peoples)

I agree.

 

[Nixie]

GAH! Noooooo!!!! Please don't be a control freak! Boundaries are good, but visitation hours are creepy!
Oh hold on... Someone's coming. Crap, lights off was an hour ago. Well I guess I'll be seeing you guys in a few years! (eh so I exaggerate... But the sentiment is the same. Me no likee controlling peoples)

Control is when you force someone to do what you want. A successful relationship means that partners can find a middle ground that both can live with when disagreements occur. The OP says she doesn't like people over period, her bf has a friend who comes over frequently--she was looking for suggestions on how to make the situation better. It doesn't have anything with being a control freak but with talking with her partner and figuring out what they can both live with.

 

[the]

I'll just tell him for you.

 

[Ryo]

He knows how weirdly reclusive I am, and if I asked him not to have his friend over, he wouldn't.

But it's not fair to do that so I don't... and I don't make an issue out of it I usually hang out a bit then do something else..
I think @Stormy1 touched on something.. I don't know his friend that well.
I like the guy, but you know, sometimes (ok actually most of the time) I just want to stay in my pajamas and eat whipped cream out of a can and not clean the place for company.

I guess I feel like I should do a bit of hostessing and I'd rather be lazy and yet not have anyone think I'm a slob lol.

This sounds like a good compromise to me. Both of you should be free to enjoy yourselves. He should be able to invite his friend over and you should be able to eat...whipped cream...out of a can...? Anyway, this sounds like it could be a quick, pleasant check-in, not an argument.

 

[Stu]

If the lovely, talented and reclusive ACD, decides to have the conversation with her devoted, brilliant and obviously extremely lucky BF about her privacy needs she runs the risk of him feeling that he is not as devoted as he thinks he is.


As she has pointed out, it is really more about her confronting her internal inertia which has her on a quite, low energy path while at home.


She obviously realizes that while being vibrant and engaging to her BF, she alone is not enough.

It is charming that he wants to have a play date at home (where he can show off is greatest prize).

I say, suck it up but if it is a regular once a week thing, (or more) after a couple of weeks offer a mild protest, then begin that conversation.

 

[Craig Weiler]

Never let gamers take over the main part of a house, be it children or adults. Make them set up in a room where you can close the door on them. This is only reasonable; you are the one moving around, not them and having a large screen with constant action in the middle of the room with loud sounds and private conversations is a major annoying distraction for anyone not involved in the gaming. No one can concentrate with that kind of thing in the background.

You are under no obligation to be there for them in any capacity. The reason is that they are not engaged in any interactions with you. In that sense, the friend is not really a guest in the traditional sense of the word. Gaming buddy is a different classification.

 

[Kgal]

He knows how weirdly reclusive I am, and if I asked him not to have his friend over, he wouldn't.

But it's not fair to do that so I don't... and I don't make an issue out of it I usually hang out a bit then do something else..
I think @Stormy1 touched on something.. I don't know his friend that well.
I like the guy, but you know, sometimes (ok actually most of the time) I just want to stay in my pajamas and eat whipped cream out of a can and not clean the place for company.

I guess I feel like I should do a bit of hostessing and I'd rather be lazy and yet not have anyone think I'm a slob lol.

If the lovely, talented and reclusive ACD, decides to have the conversation with her devoted, brilliant and obviously extremely lucky BF about her privacy needs she runs the risk of him feeling that he is not as devoted as he thinks he is.


As she has pointed out, it is really more about her confronting her internal inertia which has her on a quite, low energy path while at home.


She obviously realizes that while being vibrant and engaging to her BF, she alone is not enough.

It is charming that he wants to have a play date at home (where he can show off is greatest prize).

I say, suck it up but if it is a regular once a week thing, (or more) after a couple of weeks offer a mild protest, then begin that conversation.

You are placing yourself in the martyr position when you "feel obligated" to do something - then you go about doing it without really wanting to do it. You feel insulted because you didn't really want to clean the house but you did because some internal voice in your head is telling you this is your "duty".

Shoulds - have to's - and Duty tend to create frustration in one's mind - do they not?

Perhaps you could investigate the voice in your mind telling you "should" and "have to" clean the house before the guy comes over to play. Is it a role thing? Are you and your bf acting out certain roles where the female cleans the house and the male fixes the car? Or something along those lines. You know what I mean.

You might come to the conclusion you don't really need to go to extra measures just because his friend is coming over. I too used to think I had to play hostess - make sure everyone is comfortable - etc. Once I investigated where that "directive" came from - I found I was more easy going about doing it - or not doing it. I didn't "have to" do it if I didn't want to. It became my choice....not an automatic reaction to what turns out to be my mother's voice resounding in my head. There is a huge difference between automatically doing what I was told by her (old tape playing in my head) - vs. listening to me....

I can relate to your position here. Everyone knows if they wish to come to my home they need to let me know first. My home is my private space and I am mighty protective about it.

Stu makes a valid observation as well with regard to challenging your boyfriend's point of view and his devotion.
I'd try observing your self and the internal stuff in your mind first. But one day .... well....some time in the future....you'll be confronted with this again.

I wish you success in wrestling with the "Have To - Should" monster. :fish:

 

[Nixie]

Great points [MENTION=2578]Kgal[/MENTION]

As a Native, there are strong beliefs regarding hosting guests at one's home. It would be difficult for me to get away from that sense of duty since it is a strong part of my cultural conditioning to be a good hostess and be active in doing things and preparations. Besides it is a matter of pride and a reflection on not only you but your family and tribe if you are a bad hostess. I'm not speaking of [MENTION=564]acd[/MENTION], but of my own views on hosting guests.

 

[Sloe Djinn]

Build a fort out of couch cushions that can function as your fortress within a fortress. Idk, I'm the same. My dad was like this so growing up in our home we rarely had guests, and consequently I always feel out-of-sorts when it comes to the prospect of entertaining company....so I never have people over. I can imagine it now...

Me: Would u like som refreshmintz?
Guest: Sure!
Me: *Hands can of albacore w/o opener and bottled water* =D *Stares*
Guest: ........
Me: *Goes to laptop and plays Kool and The Gang's "Celebrate"* *Sits and stares* =D

 

[Vict]

It's a unique privilege to be an invited guest into an introvert's home. As many have already said, speak up about it.

I still get shit because I do most of my socializing with friends away from my home. Especially dudes who just want to do things like watch football, drink beer, and bitch about women. No, bro. That's what the pub down the street is for.

(Come to think of it, I don't invite anyone over unless they're a girl I'm seeing.)

 

[Sensiko]

I know your predicament my dearest [MENTION=564]acd[/MENTION]... Although, I no longer am in said predicament, so feel free to do what you will with my thoughts and advice...
He knows you like your fortress of solitude and I think every week is a bit much for video game play dates. Don't get me wrong, they should hang out, just not in your fortress when you need quiet time.
My advice should you choose to accept...
Next time it's time for video game play date...
1. Bubble bath
2. Polish puppy face
3. You needing some type of assistance from BF

I'm 99.99% positive someone's not coming over. You are smokin hot. Just saying...