The end of the relationship | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

The end of the relationship

I find that when an individual is not meeting my expectations (though rarely do I have any for people) it is due to forces outside of their control, as well as mine. Those forces often times being a result of infrastructure failure within humanity as a whole.

...but that's another discussion altogether.
 
Gone thru it my whole life. I have very few friends. And I like to keep it that way. People are so self absorbed I cant stand them most of the time. My buddy Matt was in the get lost and die zone. I partially forgave him he is still on the list and can be ejected from the circle at anytime. It's an infj's prerogative..
 
This is tricky for me. I've had to learn to TRY and give of myself freely without expecting anything in return.

No expectations = no disappointments.

I rarely slam the door. I have told people "I'll call you in a year or two." and have followed through. I only slam the door when I feel that someone has treated me in a way that defies any reasonable explanation - that goes far beyond the typical crappy behavior that should be expected from us humans. :) So, for me it's not about slamming a door when I don't get a return on my emotional investment. I slam the door when I realize a relationship will be harmful to me in a way that I can't prevent.
 
I guess I've been lucky enough to meet the right people so far.
 
I tend to do that, I feel like I give people to many chances to continualy hurt me and the one day it becomes to much and then I am done. I think I give people to many chances, I feel like I should just cut them out the first time, but it never happens.:mno:
 
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Ambrosia Lemon said:
I tend to do that, I feel like I give people to many chances to continualy hurt me and the one day it becomes to much and then I am done. I think I give people to many chances, I feel like I should just cut them out the first time, but it never happens.:mno:
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This pretty much is what has been happening to me alot. People who I thought were close friends wrong me, I forgive, wrong me, i forgive, the cycle continues until they tip the scale and I slam the door for good. Not just cya, but for good. This has only happened twice where i have slammed the door. But I can totally tell i should be saying something, or slamming more doors.
 
Right?! WHAT IS IT THAT MAKES US SO %@#$ NICE?! sigh I wish I knew then I would cut it out, but people seem to be my weakness so far.:m103:
 
My issues have been similar, but I usually just don't let myself become as involved in people's lives. If it happens that folks are really pushing my buttons, I don't see them that often. I have this aura that I care, but truthfully? It's a weird mish-mash. I do care, but I don't give my complete heart unless it's someone I implicitly trust. But when someone I *trust* hurts me, then this is when we have problems.
 
Door slamming/ burning bridges: Although à tend to give much more chances to people than others I know, once I decided to finish a relationship, that's it, I won't turn back, I won't regreat, I won't soften my heart. I feel like I need closure, and cutting a relationship drastically is my way of showing when enough is enough. The people I know tend to storm off, get mad and have a back and forth kind of relationships, and I guess that's why they may end something, and months later, they might be friends with the strained one. I'm more extreme, I guess. It's self preservation. :)
 
Wyote said:
I enjoy individuals, I hate the masses.
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i've said this same exact thing soooo many times before...

Freedom said:
The people I know tend to storm off, get mad and have a back and forth kind of relationships, and I guess that's why they may end something, and months later, they might be friends with the strained one. I'm more extreme, I guess. It's self preservation. :)
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i know exactly where you're coming from... i've seen people break it off, only to go... and then it becomes a back and forth kinda game with them...

myself though, if its over, it over... i haven't had many friends that i've shut the door on though... most of the friends that i've had have usually drifted off into the past...

(i've moved around so many times growing up, that there has never been any chance of lifelong friends... there is only 2 couples that i have tried to stay in contact with... one of the couples i have known for almost 10 yrs, and the other couple for over 5 yrs...)
 
Right, and it's not like we're difficult to deal, since we give more second chances. But once some one reaches my boiling temp., it becomes a "point of no return".

Jax, I've read somewhere you were born in Tampa; I live in the Bay area (clearwater).
How funny!
 
I related strongly to SH's original post, and to Wyote's as well.

I can form strong bonds with individual persons on occasion, but people as a species and most people who tend to associate with "groups", I treat with extreme wariness and distrust. If I have bonded, or committed to building some kind of bond with another person, I will give a great many more chances to forgive their shortcomings or failings than most other people say they would, but if they push too hard, the door slams and does not reopen.

I am amazed by people who remain year after year in toxic, unchanging, self-defeating relationships. I honestly can't imagine how being alone could be worse than that.

Having said that I can form deep bonds, the older I get, the less attracted I feel to other people, the more selective I am about the bonds I will consider making. My tolerance for other peoples' drama is dramatically lower than it was when I was younger, and I really don't establish relationships with people who I feel are not at least striving toward better mental health and general "good intentions". We're none of us ever done becoming who we are, but using experiences in our childhoods or past as a passport to being an asshole for the rest of our lives with no intentions of evolving just doesn't sit well with me.

I definitely do the majority of my socializing online now, which suits me very well.
 
ZC, I think that's what it is. As we age, we just become less accepting of all the games of "will they/won't they", and we know who we want to hang around with (and who we don't). It's easier to simply ignore those with whom we don't want to invest our time.

The only exception to that is family. :p

(Point: My ESTP mum is wearin' me out this season)
 
I have a really bad problem with this. I'm always super trusting of anyone I meet who'd give me the light of day to actually slow down and hear what I have to say. It excites me for some reason, the prospect of someone actually really caring about me. Usually of the opposite sex, and sometimes they like me, sometimes they don't. But I always hate it when they try to tell me "Yeah, you shouldn't do this or do that. Everyone says you shouldn't." And it's like, who are you to criticize the things I do? You aren't me. I hate that group mentality, like you should do something because other people say you should. I usually cut those friendships off. And the friendship never is the same again.
 
As the person I am the more and more I go on making friendships the more and more I keep ending them to keep myself safe from damaging people. I've had EXPLOSIVE fights with people in which I said things that could never be taken back and completely ignored them after that, and the thing that I find about it is that those who you cut off want you more and more, especially when they're the stupid type who doesn't know what they did to be treated this way when you've warned them several times.

I always discuss my boundaries with friends who have obviously broken them and give them two chances, one, perhaps if they really try my patience. If someone is not willing to change their behavior they will not continue to be my friend. It's cruel, and it hurts when I have really close friendships but I'd rather people grow up and work on themselves then keep screwing things up.

As with the group things I cannot be in a group- I have always been with the outsiders who people pay little attention [though for some of them, it's a good reason! some outcasts are damn annoying!]
 
I cut many people out of my life and continue to do so.
 
In my own personal experiences the worst part about disconnecting from people is that when I close the door on them I really just close the personal interaction door, I cant cut them out of my thoughts or pull that brick out of the emotional wall. It seems I have to go against my nature and just stand by hard principles when it comes to some people. "I dont want to leave, I just have to."
 
I rather be alone than with someone I dislike. My fantasies are better than reality anyway. Once the relationship is over, you might as well be in the Witness protection Program, because I end relationships like a Mafia hit: quick, impersonal, and with a chilling degree of finality. I throw out every memento.. love letters, movie tickets stubs, cards from flowers (I'm strangely... sentimental while in a relationship. Every little token is like a shrine to my love for you) but once I'm done, I'm pretty done. My ex boyfriend BEGGED me and made my promise I wouldn't throw his stuff out if we broke up. I didn't, my best friend did though.

I had to cut him loose. He was playing mind games and he said I was emotionally distant. He would do all these creepy little things to get a rise out of me. Telling me how much his ex girlfriend still wanted him, and how he has to beat the girls off with a stick... Blah blah blah. I'm impervious to mind games. I might play along for a second out of boredom and to see how far the other person is willing to take it, but I'm not at all emotionally involved. I feel bad that I'm always the dumper and not the dumpee though. I do hate to hurt people's feelings.
 
gOpHeR said:
In my own personal experiences the worst part about disconnecting from people is that when I close the door on them I really just close the personal interaction door, I cant cut them out of my thoughts or pull that brick out of the emotional wall.
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This has been happening with me my whole life. I do tend to give people second chances, but then I firmly close the door once enough is enough, although within my own mind/heart it takes a very long time for me to move on or get any kind of closure. I am very picky about making new friends or becoming emotionally involved, but once I am there its extremely difficult to get them out of my system even when that's what they deserve.
 
gOpHeR said:
In my own personal experiences the worst part about disconnecting from people is that when I close the door on them I really just close the personal interaction door, I cant cut them out of my thoughts or pull that brick out of the emotional wall. It seems I have to go against my nature and just stand by hard principles when it comes to some people. "I dont want to leave, I just have to."
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Yea the same with me. I've cut out a lot of people over my life. Actually, people who get to know me tend to learn about this trait and I've had a few friendships save themselves when it became clear that I was about to slam the door and build the brick wall. So, in my experience behavior can sometimes change. On the other hand, there are really a lot of emotionally destructive and toxic people out there and I feel this is the best method of self-preservation. But I'll surprise myself that I'll think of someone who I cut off years ago in some random way. Even when people are emotionally toxic, I feel that I still have a sense of who that person is, and there's a romantic part of me that can see the beauty in someone even if they are destructive.
 
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