The Doorslam | INFJ Forum

The Doorslam

subwayrider

subwayrider

Into the White
Sep 26, 2011
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To the slammed: how does it feel to get it? If so inclined, provide some detail on the experience.

To the slammers: how does it feel to do it? Why do you do it? Provide detail if desired.

It's usually associated with INJs, but I suspect everyone does it. However, it may be that INJs do it more...perhaps almost at whim. Thoughts?
 
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The power to shut you out forever.
OMG SO MUCH POWER
Meanwhile, everything ends naturally anyway.
 
I hear about it all the time but I don't know if I've seen it to be able to identify it. Is it really as dramatic as it sounds? It must feel much more dramatic to the one acting it all out in comparison to what the rest of the world actually notices. That's my guess anyway, knowing INFJs lol.
 
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What on Earth is this fabled "doorslam"? I've heard this term so many times on different MBTI sites and on this one, and it is like this uberly dramatic sounding thing.

Isn't it basically equal to suddenly breaking communication with no explanation? Or am I reading into that wrong?

If so, I think that anyone who fears confrontation with another person is likely to do this a few times in their life and I don't think that it is something INJs are necessarily more apt to do than any other type. I suppose maybe introverts, but I think this is a mental/emotional health thing more than a type thing.

Also, the way you phrased the first two questions in this thread sounds really naughty. It made me chortle.
 
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Jill Hives said:
It made me chortle.
Click to expand...

that word reminds me of squirtle, which reminds me of
(sorry to derail)
2vfl.jpg
 
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It's no more than shutting someone out of your life. "When" that happens is up to the person who does it, but I don't think this is something that is only attributed to INFJs. It's merely a matter of detoxing the system.
 
Some people, for whatever reasons, just aren't good for each other. Life goes on.
 
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OK, well, unfortunately, I end up doing it all the time. I can explain more later.
 
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Exes have door-slammed me in the past. It hurts. But then again I'm probably more of a crazy bitch in those circumstances than I want to admit. Blame that on supposedly being INFJ.

I very rarely do it to anyone else. I like to keep doors open. If contact is going to end it usually dies a natural death anyway.
 
I have been both the recipient and giver of the fabled 'door slam'.

When I was on the receiving end, it was over a misunderstanding. The INFJ I was speaking to became extremely upset and offended over something that I had done, and she had every right to feel that way given her lack of information. She then proceeded to unleash all of her pentup emotions and opinions about the period of time I had been in contact with her, tallying up all of my offenses. She was full of righteous anger and there was no way I could have won that battle. It was over the phone and she hung up on me and wouldn't have anything to do with me for a long time. What it felt like? Horrible. For those who have written that it's like getting punched in the stomach, they are absolutely right. There was this awful gut feeling in my stomach and I have never felt so guilty in my life. I was stuttering and everything. All I could think about for the rest of the day was contacting her to explain everything. It took a few days, and things still aren't completely right with her, but I'm hoping that will change.

I have 'door slammed' very few times in my life, but it's always something I should have done earlier. Generally it has to do with needy, insecure people who take and take from me when I emotionally give and give and they don't do anything in return. Generally they have violated my boundaries a few times, and I've given them second and third....and fourth chances. But there comes a point when I realize that they are just taking advantage of me. And that is when I door slam. Generally I feel really pissed off, and I that I'm not going to take it anymore. I feel cold and icy and I don't even care.
 
Personally I think "the doorslam" can happen with any type, but it only seems more dramatic with an INFJ because it's typically out of character. INFJs tend to be more open and listening and forgiving than many types and they can seem like pushovers and easy-going marks. But if you take advantage of that nature they remember it, and start tallying it up in their heads.

And when they've had enough, they've had enough. And what might've been forgivable at one time is now the last straw - which can really surprise folks.
 
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I've cut people out of my life, but it's never been a big dramatic moment. It's more like: "Hey, you betrayed my trust and so I don't want anything more to do with you. Bye" I suppose it could seem dramatic to someone on the other end, but to me it's a rational course of action.
 
When people have wronged me, yeah, I suppose I have.
With others, I have not wanted to stop hanging out largely for selfish reasons and eventually gotten doorslammed myself.
Just to have a convenient friend is no reason to hang out when you're really not very similar or on the same page at all.

I have also doorslammed because of my own insecurities that I couldn't face.
This is with girls who I had sort of hooked-up with but not completely.
It's not like they were strangers but I had difficulty facing them and so when we may have been quite close to even get together in the first, I would go back to zero immediately.
All my hangups too, never to do with the girls themselves really. Not specifically those people, anyway. Except once.

I've apologised for some of those as well, the ones I could at least. It sucks so badly to be treated like that but I was in such an egotistical phase I couldn't see how awful my behaviour was and I was surrounded by people who probably still don't think there was anything wrong with it. That's cool, but it was wrong for me. I do know better.

When it is because of my own issues is when it is just the shittiest thing to do to someone and I really hope I don't do it again.
It's a lacking in ability to face reality - cutting contact with people who push and push is fine to me but doing it to innocents (often unconsciously) to save face...is weak.

But, again, don't beat yourself up about it.
You can go back and change if you feel it shouldn't have been that way but it means being prepared for them to want nothing to do with you, even after you apologise.
That was fine by me because I wasn't doing it for me but so they can know that they did nothing wrong and not have it affect their other relationships hopefully.
 
Heh. I've doorslammed people. First of all, "doorslamming" can occur with light acquaintances or with friends. It's usually for my sanity's sake. Sometimes it's because the other person is unreliable or because the person just isn't right for me for the time being, and it's better to cut off than to stressing about it by letting it dangle in the mind. The funny thing is, some people just have a way of coming back into my life, partly because we've been associated for a long period of time, so there's a relationship going on that can be more devastating to cut off completely. I.e., because the unreconciling effect of cutting off a significant friend forever is sometimes harmful.

Doorslamming feels terrible. Sometimes, the person does not doorslam forever, only for a period of time in a non-INJ fashion, but it feels like doorslamming.
 
Oh the door slam, such a torrent of emotions swirling inside one's self.

It's not very often I do this myself, but I remember the times that I have. When my first girlfriend cheated on me, she was very much full of self righteousness and thought I was being unfair for not talking to her and began telling me all about this in a nasty way in front of everyone outside of school.
Never in my life have I ever shouted at someone is such a way, all that force and anger, it very great.

The second time was with the next girlfriend who had again cheated on me. The first time I did this to her, I simply said I just couldn't handle speaking to her and I said a few slightly hurtful things. Feeling bad about this I tried to open dialogue again after a month and was met with some bitchiness. I do love the e-mail I sent decimating everything about her. I honestly can't stand the spoilt bitch who always makes herself out to be the victim (is this purely an INFP thing?).

All in all, I've never had the door slammed in my face but slamming it in others faces who deserve it is the most empowering thing I've experienced.
 
It feels fucked up either way.

Though it is a decisive and definitive decision. I respect someone more for this.
 
I can't say I doorslam as much as I just walk away. To me, the idea of a doorslam is all about this big production of saying "no more" or "never again" and the cutting off contact. I find it easier to just fade away without any big production. I have had people very angry with me that make a production of the whole thing and I just find that tiresome. I don't mind people leaving. Like [MENTION=5511]o_q[/MENTION] says, it happens all the time. I would rather think of the good moments rather than be all boohooey about something ending. I'm not overly sentimental when it comes to endings. I can be sentimental about the good moments, but not the end of something.
 
I agree with Heartless. The whole idea of doorslamming is so dramatic. While I like to watch and laugh at others having drama, I hate drama in my own life. If I dont want to be around you, I will just make no effort to contact you again. As time goes on we will just forget about each other and be focused on whatever else is going on. Why the need for a production? Why does this even have a special name? I think it is to make the slammer feel powerful. I'm just like "who cares?"

If you dont like someone it isnt a big deal! Dont be around them then! Get a life!

Plus, I'd hate to doorslam and then come to find that person is saving my life for some reason, how embarrassing that would be.
 
I have no personal feelings about doorslamming. This is something that I have had to engage in. Unfortunately in some circumstances it required a certain level of drama as I've had individuals refuse to leave my life regardless of how polite or direct I was about it. In these cases the doorslam is pretty much akin to "do not ever fucking contact me again or I'll get a restraining order." If I simply don't wish to have contact with someone anymore or I feel we're no longer on the same wavelength and the relationship is not mutually beneficial I prefer to fade out and my emotional attachment ceases to exist almost immediately. It's not that I feel badly about the person or wish them ill, I just recognize that it's time to move on.
 
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