Talking behind people's backs

[Toma Savage]

For me it is information collecting in order to help others. Because I am trusted by many, they know I will not use it against others to hurt them. Many people ask if I can help a friend because he has done this and that. Gossip is a tool for me and I have helped a few because of it. If it straight out bashing then no good can come from it so then I am not interested.

 

[Trifoilum]

For me, the act of gossiping itself is redundant and vain (although I will admit that I have done it more than once), I don't see why gossiping is necessary-- were you unable to forget their actions? Were you just aiming to hurt them while they can't fight back? Were you seeking to control people around you?

For me, gossip is an useful thing to gauge 'hmm, what does this person hate'? -- because we don't usually gossip about the things we like, we -gush-.

I noticed that people tend to have a sort of -get out of jail free- card when talking about others.
Like, they did wrong, you know? And thus, they are definitely a bad person and talking shit about them is alright.

But a part of me begin to ask;
is this an attempt of bonding? or an attempt of warning?
Like, did they do it for fun? For building a relationship?
confiding about a secret pain? Seeking an advice?
Or as a sort of foreboding? "Do not do X, otherwise you will suffer this like they did."
Or as a sort of control? "Do X, otherwise you will suffer this like they did."

I know me, and some other people, can stay in an unhealthy community just to prevent gossip from happening.
Precisely because of that fear of rocking the boat; of disturbing the group harmony.

The intentions behind the action is the more..curious aspect of it.
Because it speaks of group (or relationship) dynamics. It speaks of expectations. Of what should be done, what shouldn't be done, what is done and what was done.

And at times it was useful to gauge your position in a group.
Other times, though, when it wasn't really necessary or important........ hopefully one knows better to avoid using it.

 

[Skarekrow]

 

[Trifoilum]

glorious lips, that guy.

 

[Quiet]

I do discuss people in general with my close friends and random strangers here on the forum. Sometimes this involves discussing negative things about other people. This is rarely just to have a whinge or to complain. But sometimes it probably is that. More often it is to express what im feeling, thinking, become aware and sort it all out. I am grateful that i can do this.

On the other hand i think there is a difference between this and gossiping maliciously about others. For example- (and yes i am now talking behind her back!) I have a friend who is just so nice and lovely. She's always helpful and generous. If i asked her for help she would be there asap. She is just one of those people! Our kids get along great. But it is really hard for me to hang out with her because she goes on an on about her husband and how much of a dick she thinks he is. Sometimes she is really mean and cruel about this. In short, i like her husband and i feel extremely uncomfortable listening to this, as well as generally listening to someone whinge about something. At first i listened, and tried to understand. I told her my opinion and told her how uncomfortable it was for me to hear her say terrible things about her husband who is also my friend. Then i brainstormed solutions for her problems and worked out ways for her to implememt them. But she has no wish or intention to change the situation. She just whinges and wants to feel bad. It is so annoying! Ive tried subtly changing the subject, and then even ignoring her when she goes on about him. Ive told her to not talk to me about this several times. I felt really bad last time i saw her. I had my other girlfriend over and we were enjoying relaxing in the sun with some cheese and wine. We planned to do this all afternoon and then have a relaxing evening of deep and meanigfuls. And then she just dropped in to my place randomly. I didnt know what to say when she turned up. i knew she was lonely and wanted to hang out- and probably wanted to bitch about her husband. She started to several times while i tried to divert the conversation back to less awkward issues. Totally wrecking the vibe of my cruisy afternoon! I ended up lying to her to get her to leave quicker- i told her that i had to go out soon. I felt really bad again. I hate lying and im shit at it. I think she knew i was full of shit. It was pretty obvious. I feel like ive tried to communicate with her and she just doesnt get it. I dont dislike her, i just find it hard to spend time with her because she keeps complaining about her husband. The worst part is, i know she really likes me and im very important to her. I havent contacted her for a while and i havent heard from her either. I dont think that ive dealt with this really well and i still feel bad about lying. But really i dont know how i could have dealt with this whole thing better. Ive been honest and clear about my boundaries. She clearly doesnt respect them. I think i may have to stop seeing her altogether because she really doesnt get that i completely dissapprove of her bitching. But i feel bad doing this because she really can be lovely. I dont like giving up on people. But i dont have time to sit around listening to whinging anymore

An update ...

The lady who's back i was speaking behind in the above post, ive seen her quite a bit over the past 2 months. I dropped all judgements and discomfort, and something magical happened. I realised i wasnt truly listening to her before. I was hearing her, but was so caught up in my perception and discomfort that communication went over my head. She didnt want to sit around and whinge, but because i was resisting her, her whinging was intensified. When i stopped resisting, it all just went away. Our friendship has healed now and im very fortunate she is in my life.

 

[Trifoilum]

An update ...
I realised i wasnt truly listening to her before. I was hearing her, but was so caught up in my perception and discomfort that communication went over my head. She didnt want to sit around and whinge, but because i was resisting her, her whinging was intensified. When i stopped resisting, it all just went away.

Good point.
I think when we have a certain expectation / anxiety about someone, we can get really hypersensitive.

Also an acknowledgement that I HAVE CERTAINLY TALKED ABOUT PEOPLE here in this forum.

So yeah, not innocent, but I acknowledge that this is not a good thing.