Standing up for yourself: hard or easy?
- Thread starter Gaze
- Start date
Easy as a nimble cat jumping a fence.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” ~ Dr. Seuss
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” ~ Dr. Seuss
It's easy with anyone else except my parents.
With my parents, everytime I try to "stand up for myself", they look down upon me as being rude. It gets to the point where I am reasoning with a wall.
With my parents, everytime I try to "stand up for myself", they look down upon me as being rude. It gets to the point where I am reasoning with a wall.
I love that quote and Dr. Seuss to boot. What a wonderful way to teach children the value of who they are.
I have found (unfortunately from experience) that this only works for the short term. Meaning it's easier at first but then becomes a MAJOR issue later on because this sets the stage for the future of your relationship with that person. It really works better to bite the bullet and go through whatever it takes to be assertive, BUT that is much easier to say than do. For me it depends on the situation and the people involved. Some people I don't have a problem asserting myself with, others it's tough, and for a variety of reasons. Like I said it depends on the situation and the people involved.
What I like most is when I stand up for myself and the person I do this with listens and acknowledges my feelings and shows me how much they really care about how I feel - these people become my friends or trusted colleagues and associates. It becomes an issue when people don't listen, don't care, and continue to trample on you regardless of what you say or how you feel.
Last edited:
Well put.
Its all about communication to me. Examining my thoughts and feelings, coming to a personal understanding of what I want to achieve, and then trying to communicate whats important to the other person. I will try a few times and if they are unwilling or unable to communicate back in a productive way I will take a break and examine the situation again. What do I really want out of this sitaution? What does the other person want? Am I being fair on myself and the other person? If all this fails I normally let it go, or do what need I to do anyway and accept the repurcussions for my actions. There is normally something important for me to learn and improve in myself when communication fails.
I think that communcation is much easier when I approach it from a position of love and cooperation. Then I dont have to take an offensive or defensive stance. Being offensive and defensive is counterproductive and doesnt normally give either party the desired result. It is hard to listen openly and learn when Im too concerned about defending and protecting.
Its important to me to understand and choose the things/reasons that I want to stand up for. Am I standing up for myself because it is necessary, to speak for an important principle, or am I just trying to protect/defend my ego? Is my ego so fragile that it needs constant defending or can I just learn and grow from the external imput I have recieved. I dont need to defend something I already love and accept because no one can make me feel inferior without my consent. I am who I am, and I know my weaknesses better than anyone else. Once I started accepting myself it became less and less important to defend myself because it became harder to be offended in the first place. Their are certain actions that can hurt me if I allow them but most words cant, especaily from people that dont know me anyway.
I just try to communicate honestly with the people I need to so that we can all get where we are going without trampling each other.
I have struggled greatly to communicate with my family in the past, but there has been much improvement over the last year. I had to revaluate my relationship with them and how I saw them as people, almost like wiping the slate clean. I realised I really liked and valued them as people, and that I had failed to really understand them in the past (although I thought I did understand them). I think I never really tried to communicate with them properly before and I was too concerned by how they would judge me so I was scared to be honest with them.
I love this awesome quote
I can stand up for myself with my family and my partner, but when it comes to work- I have a hard time on the spot coming up with rebuttals- it's like I have no defense mechanisms at work, I don't know what's appropriate and what is not. I had a horrible boss who would always put me down and project onto me, and I would pretend to ignore it, but it ate me up.
Recently one of my coworkers (an ISTP or ISTJ) was talking about people always assume he knows more than he does, and I said "It'd be funny if we had a Freaky-Friday, because people always assume I don't know anything" the reason for this being that I am a young, attractive female who tries to act friendly and unassuming- typically people tend to try to lord over me and I just ignore it. He replied that he though that made sense, because he thinks I'm stupid.
It was a dick thing to say, and it was very uncalled for. At work I try to be very harmonious, and am respectful and kind to everyone. I felt deeply hurt and disrespected, especially because he said it in front of my boss. My boss didn't say anything, and I was at a loss of words. I am still trying to figure out what to say or do.
I have a hard time being neutral, I am either friendly or I am not. Lately I have been a lot better at standing up for myself, but when it comes to things like that, I have to mull it over before I figure out what to say. This might be considered passive-aggressive, but I'm just not fast on my feet with responses. I don't have built in defense mechanisms, so when they take a punch, I'm wide open and it knocks the air out of me. I have been treating that coworker coolly, to which he has not responded well. Maybe he thought I would take it as a joke, but the way that he said it, really rubbed me the wrong way. But I am also very prideful, and above all things I want to be treated with respect.
Recently one of my coworkers (an ISTP or ISTJ) was talking about people always assume he knows more than he does, and I said "It'd be funny if we had a Freaky-Friday, because people always assume I don't know anything" the reason for this being that I am a young, attractive female who tries to act friendly and unassuming- typically people tend to try to lord over me and I just ignore it. He replied that he though that made sense, because he thinks I'm stupid.
It was a dick thing to say, and it was very uncalled for. At work I try to be very harmonious, and am respectful and kind to everyone. I felt deeply hurt and disrespected, especially because he said it in front of my boss. My boss didn't say anything, and I was at a loss of words. I am still trying to figure out what to say or do.
I have a hard time being neutral, I am either friendly or I am not. Lately I have been a lot better at standing up for myself, but when it comes to things like that, I have to mull it over before I figure out what to say. This might be considered passive-aggressive, but I'm just not fast on my feet with responses. I don't have built in defense mechanisms, so when they take a punch, I'm wide open and it knocks the air out of me. I have been treating that coworker coolly, to which he has not responded well. Maybe he thought I would take it as a joke, but the way that he said it, really rubbed me the wrong way. But I am also very prideful, and above all things I want to be treated with respect.
it's second nature to me.
first of all, i grew up in a house with fourteen other kids (being third youngest at that) so i had to learn to toughen up quick. siblings can be vicious lol
then i left home at 14 and lived on the street for a few years, which required me to be able to stick up for myself even more so. i very soon learned to fight, but more importantly i learned to avoid a fight.
i learned very early in life that if i didn't look out for myself i would be victim to everyone. that is not acceptable to me.
Wow, sorry for the unsolicited response. But 1 in 14. Those are hard lessons. Kind of spoiled. Two sisters but much younger. Lived on my own too, but shit I was 17.
actually i was one in fifteen. (fourteen other kids) yeah there's a few stories in there for sure lol. we had some interesting times though, even a bit of local celebrity because of the size of our family.
i mostly travelled across canada in my teens. by train when i could, but mostly i hitch hiked.
I find that there is a major difference between defending a position and stating an opinion in verbal conversation. Most people are unaware of how they phrase things and can place the emphasis and responsibility on the shoulders of the other person rather than take responsibility for the things they say.
I typically am careful to use "I think" "I feel" "perhaps" and so forth to convey that I am accepting responsibility and stating my words and beliefs. My words. My beliefs. I have already taken a stance and made up my own mind. I don't seek to tell anyone "how" to behave. I use specific language which is meant to convey that I am making a declarative statement/opinion.
A lot of people use words like "you should" "you did" which is a weasily way of tossing the weight of their opinion on someone else. There is unspoken DEMAND for change in their word choice. Typically such individuals also project that tone toward other's regardless of how they say something.
You choose to view the world as a battle, you fight and have a need to "stand up for yourself". You choose to see yourself as helpless and not in control, you feel powerless and think you have to fight and "stand up for yourself".
I see myself clearly. I don't particularly care if someone who is insignificant (a word choice to convey relative importance to my life not meant to convey contempt) sees me clearly or not. I do care that the people I have let into my heart see me clearly. When I speak, I speak my words and thoughts. If someone else (insignificant to my life) finds value in them, that is an unexpected boon. If those that I care about find solace, peace or understanding, that is a treasure.
I typically am careful to use "I think" "I feel" "perhaps" and so forth to convey that I am accepting responsibility and stating my words and beliefs. My words. My beliefs. I have already taken a stance and made up my own mind. I don't seek to tell anyone "how" to behave. I use specific language which is meant to convey that I am making a declarative statement/opinion.
A lot of people use words like "you should" "you did" which is a weasily way of tossing the weight of their opinion on someone else. There is unspoken DEMAND for change in their word choice. Typically such individuals also project that tone toward other's regardless of how they say something.
You choose to view the world as a battle, you fight and have a need to "stand up for yourself". You choose to see yourself as helpless and not in control, you feel powerless and think you have to fight and "stand up for yourself".
I see myself clearly. I don't particularly care if someone who is insignificant (a word choice to convey relative importance to my life not meant to convey contempt) sees me clearly or not. I do care that the people I have let into my heart see me clearly. When I speak, I speak my words and thoughts. If someone else (insignificant to my life) finds value in them, that is an unexpected boon. If those that I care about find solace, peace or understanding, that is a treasure.