Sooo...I've got an INFJ boyfriend.

[Janski]

I'm an INFJ male, and I dated an INTJ female a two GFs ago. My advice is that there are times that your T really won't understand his F, and vice versa. You really need to learn to work together. NF/NT pairings are very, very good and rewarding, but like any relationship, it depends upon the willingness of the two parties to work on the relationship.

INFJ males are very sensitive, caring individuals. This tends to confuse some women (in my opinion) because in some cases, they haven't dated a guy like us. We are driven by our gut and what we feel. Where as you are driven by your gut and what you know to be practical. My INTJ GF would always be confused as to how I just knew things and she had to think on them so much, but the real answer to that question is, I spend hours upon hours of time anticipating each and every situation, and simply reacting when the situation presents itself, because I already thought of the possibility of it happening. In general, an INFJ only appears to be confused or not know what he/she feels about something when presented with a situation that they didn't anticipate occurring.

In short, if you can use your practical side to balance out his feeler and work together, you will have a very rewarding relationship.

I'm cuurrently broken up with an INTJ who I love, and who loves me, but says "love is not enough".
Essentially she is looking for someone for the "rest of our lives", and when I was asked if I could throw everything and everyone else away, to commit everything to "us" (we had been dating for 4 months), I baulked. It's my mission to touch people personally (my job too - remedial massage atm ), so I couldn't give that away in a snap.

How do all you lovely folk recommend I get through the wall of Te (she is easily the most fascinating, complicated, intelligent person I know that isn't over 50) back to her heart and into the moment?
The dissertations she writes me, full of logic and 5 year plans overwhelm me sometimes, as all I want to do is just hold her and show her how much that moment means to me, to be with her.

 

[Nevermore]

I'm cuurrently broken up with an INTJ who I love, and who loves me, but says "love is not enough".
Essentially she is looking for someone for the "rest of our lives", and when I was asked if I could throw everything and everyone else away, to commit everything to "us" (we had been dating for 4 months), I baulked. It's my mission to touch people personally (my job too - remedial massage atm ), so I couldn't give that away in a snap.

How do all you lovely folk recommend I get through the wall of Te (she is easily the most fascinating, complicated, intelligent person I know that isn't over 50) back to her heart and into the moment?
The dissertations she writes me, full of logic and 5 year plans overwhelm me sometimes, as all I want to do is just hold her and show her how much that moment means to me, to be with her.

This why INTJ females dump INFJ males. You are J personalities like us but take so damn long to make up your minds. Vascillation and non-commitment are just anathema to us mostly because its annoying. Why bother investing my emotions and experiencing this rollercoaster if you might just 'out' at any time? We don't live in the moment, you are lucky if we even momentarily visit the now, we live for the future and we plan. If we can't make you a part of that plan then it's sayonara.

Sorry but I really doubt you'll get her back, if she is anything like me she won't even glance over her shoulder back at you. You've just told her you don't see a future together. We are not fence sitters we like things decisive, asking her to just be in the moment because that feels good to you, will likely be interpreted as incredibly self-centred.

 

[KorJax]

This why INTJ females dump INFJ males. You are J personalities like us but take so damn long to make up your minds. Vascillation and non-commitment are just anathema to us mostly because its annoying. Why bother investing my emotions and experiencing this rollercoaster if you might just 'out' at any time? We don't live in the moment, you are lucky if we even momentarily visit the now, we live for the future and we plan. If we can't make you a part of that plan then it's sayonara.

Sorry but I really doubt you'll get her back, if she is anything like me she won't even glance over her shoulder back at you. You've just told her you don't see a future together. We are not fence sitters we like things decisive, asking her to just be in the moment because that feels good to you, will likely be interpreted as incredibly self-centred.

I wasn't aware "outing at any time" was something that F types did, let alone a J type seeing as J's judge the past and future when making choices instead of doing it as a spur of the moment thing. I would see T types outing more than F types actually, because they tend to value their people relationships less than your average F.

That's S and P territory. I'm an INFJ and I would never just "out at any time" anyone, because its VERY hard for me to sever a tie that I have deemed personally sacred. I've been "outed at any time" before by an ISTP though. He was a douche.

Sorry though I realize I am nit picking one little word in your paragraph when your whole post overall was about something else.

I should say though from experience, INFJ's find it hard to live in the moment but idealize it, which might make us come off as very "P"-like even though we don't actually run on those gears during normal operation. Spontenaity and "being in the moment" facinates me and often can kick-start my intuition and the best parts of my personality, but much like extroversion, too much of it is extremely tiring against my psyche.

 

[Nevermore]

I can see where you are coming from, my comment about being 'out' at any moment was more about the perception of non-commiting rather than the actual reality of what might be going on. I'm extremely frustrated with my INFJ at the moment because he is coming off all wishy washy and non-committal that just puts me in limbo. I can't plan if I don't know what I'm planning for and my feelings of security are tied up in my ability to plan. Being in limbo is a feeling I can't stand and if the other person won't give me a yes or no either way, I'll do it for them. It's extremely uncomfortable for me to not have things decided and as you put it it's exhausting on my psyche also. I get to the point where I just can't go with the flow anymore and either confrontation or walking away results.

That's not to say I'm after a marriage proposal I just want to know what his intentions are....are you in or out? It's quite likely that's what the above poster's girl is thinking too. She's not trying to walk him down the aisle, she's just trying to figure out whether he should be included her planning or not. I don't sit here and go, well he's an INFJ and they are usually pretty loyal so I guess it's a good bet he'll be sticking around because severing ties is really hard for him....I just think will you please give me an indication of whether this is a longterm or short term thing for you so I can plan my life accordingly.

 

[smalls]

This why INTJ females dump INFJ males. You are J personalities like us but take so damn long to make up your minds. Vascillation and non-commitment are just anathema to us [...]. Why bother investing my emotions and experiencing this rollercoaster if you might just 'out' at any time? We don't live in the moment, you are lucky if we even momentarily visit the now, we live for the future and we plan. If we can't make you a part of that plan then it's sayonara.

Sorry but I really doubt you'll get her back, if she is anything like me she won't even glance over her shoulder back at you. You've just told her you don't see a future together. We are not fence sitters we like things decisive, asking her to just be in the moment because that feels good to you, will likely be interpreted as incredibly self-centred.

I can see where you are coming from, my comment about being 'out' at any moment was more about the perception of non-commiting rather than the actual reality of what might be going on. I'm extremely frustrated with my INFJ at the moment because he is coming off all wishy washy and non-committal that just puts me in limbo. I can't plan if I don't know what I'm planning for and my feelings of security are tied up in my ability to plan. Being in limbo is a feeling I can't stand and if the other person won't give me a yes or no either way, I'll do it for them. It's extremely uncomfortable for me to not have things decided and as you put it it's exhausting on my psyche also. I get to the point where I just can't go with the flow anymore and either confrontation or walking away results.

That's not to say I'm after a marriage proposal I just want to know what his intentions are....are you in or out? It's quite likely that's what the above poster's girl is thinking too. She's not trying to walk him down the aisle, she's just trying to figure out whether he should be included her planning or not. I don't sit here and go, well he's an INFJ and they are usually pretty loyal so I guess it's a good bet he'll be sticking around because severing ties is really hard for him....I just think will you please give me an indication of whether this is a longterm or short term thing for you so I can plan my life accordingly.

Resurrecting this dormant thread, but I saw these posts months ago and signed up (finally) just to say: All of this exactly! Thank you.

I (INTJ female) went through this late last year with an INFJ male I briefly dated. I understood that it could go on possibly forever as long as I was willing to lead. I was uncomfortable with that because I don't like people to act according to what I want vs. what they want. So, it got to the point where I needed to know what he wanted and asked. He couldn't really tell me. I'd said something about the amount of time we spent together. He said he didn't know if he could invest himself in what he thought I wanted because of all the things he was doing but he loved being around me. I (of course) told him we shouldn't see each other anymore then. He was upset by that. Which seemed like a strange reaction. After basically telling me things weren't going to progress (or rather, I would have to stay confused & undersatisfied), what other response could he expect?

He started giving the whys of his busyness (why focus on this?), offering sorrys, and saying he knew he was confusing & it takes him a long time to figure things out, but for me, after leading with "I don't know if I can invest myself in ...," it was too late. Why not communicate what you know can be potential problems during when it can help mitigate misunderstandings & frustration? Why say all this now? I told him not to be sorry but not to expect me to call and that there were no hard feelings. He pleaded a few times for us to be friends. Again, something I found perplexing. Becoming friends or not is a natural thing that happens over time; I don't understand asking or practically begging for it. It seemed like he wanted to carry on, having platonic dates, like we hadn't just changed the nature of our relationship, even asking if he could take me to eat the next night (the day we were originally set to see each other and I was to meet someone important in his life). He kept asserting during the breakup that "at least" I knew he enjoyed being around me. I still don't know why he would say such a thing, and I didn't respond to it in any way.

All in all, the whole not-being-sure-but-wanting-to-continue made INFJ male seem like . . . any other non-committal guy. Wanting your cake and to eat it too. I don't know what self-respecting person would accept such a status (if that's outside of what he/she wants).