Sometimes I really really hate my Fe | INFJ Forum

Sometimes I really really hate my Fe

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Eniko, May 16, 2009.

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  1. Eniko

    Eniko May snark if provoked
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    Bear with me now because I've had a few drinks so I'm not sure how coherent and/or rambly this will be, okay? Okay.

    So in another thread I mentioned I have an acquaintance who's taking me to this gay party. This girl is an ENFJ (I had her test herself out of curiosity, figuring she would be ENFJ and I was right) and she's well... basically the extrovert to my introvert. It's awesome!

    She's very open and direct, and likes to have things clear up front more than having to guess at it, which resonates pretty strongly. I'm not sure why, but I trusted her with my biggest secret already, even though normally it's not anyone's business. She makes me feel comfortable opening up, and she makes me feel secure and like I can trust her, so I did. A lot. And that's great!

    We agreed it might be more comfortable for both of us if we met in the flesh before the party. So we agreed to hook up today and go out to a bar in town. Now I'm very nervous about going out to a bar because I haven't done it in like... a decade. I get extremely nervous about unknown situations and contexts, let alone crowds and loud music! Normally I hide that part of me far, far way where nobody will ever find it. Of course, not with this girl. Who was totally supportive of me and basically let me set the limits. So we went inside with the crowd and the loud music and I didn't even feel half bad.

    All in all we spent a good 6 hours in that bar talking and listening to music, checking out other girls and guessing who was straight, bisexual or lesbian. Fun was had by all! All in all with her support I actually crossed bunches of thresholds tonight and I feel pretty chuffed and proud of myself.

    Thing is, I met her through a dating site for young gay people. I know she's looking, but I had a bad experience with being ignored after a first date, and switched to looking just for friends. She responded when I wasn't just looking for friends but I still friend zoned her straight away.

    Because seriously, I need friends, not a lover.

    But... I'm feeling it. Bubbling in the pit of my stomach (and no it's not the alcohol, I didn't have nearly enough to get that sensation :tongue:) that shit, I might like this girl. I find her attractive, and god help me writing down how comfortable I am with her (for some inexplicable reason) is making it worse!

    Here's the thing though, I don't want to! I don't want to feel anything for her. She seems like she'd be a terrific friend, exactly the type of friend I've lamented not having around for so long. I don't want to start having feelings for her and wind up with nothing.

    I'm going to try and reign in my feelings but I doubt it'll be very successful. It usually isn't. Maybe if I can convince myself this is just me confusing being grateful for her support and understanding with attraction. But I already know she has qualities I value highly and I found out I have at least one or two that seem to compliment her myself, so how likely is that, really?

    Ugh, I don't know what to do!
    :m079:
     
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    #1 Eniko, May 16, 2009
    Last edited: May 16, 2009
  2. Julia

    Julia Community Member

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    That is a difficult situation. I really struggled with the uncertainties when single. Whenever I feel "too" attached to someone, at least moreso than I think is wise, there isn't any way to just stop the feeling. The best I can do is try to distract with other people. Maybe try to get in touch with an old friend to chat? Try to get in contact with other people, so you have other things to think about. I wish you all the best. It sounds like you made a really meaningful connection. Yay!
     
  3. Satya

    Satya C'est la vie
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    Oh, I've been there. Unfortunately I'm a coward so I have no useful advice.

    From a personality perspective, use Ti to detach and critically determine whether this is good time for you and whether there is a chance that this could go somewhere. Also, consider that this is only the first "in the flesh" encounter and you usually need time to get to know a person better.
     
  4. OP
    Eniko

    Eniko May snark if provoked
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    I'd have to say now is not a good time for the sole reason that she is, currently, my only local friend. I'm not even sure if what I'm feeling isn't just... something misattributed to her being so supportive after I've basically been alone out here for so long. And if I don't even know that there's no way that it won't seem like clinging to the first kind body that comes along to anyone else.

    Right? So first I need to expand my circle I guess.

    Mind you it's not like I think I'm in love or something, but I've been here before. If things keep on going like they have been it's only going to get stronger and harder to ignore. Maybe I'm panicking prematurely but I'd rather nip this in the bud now while I still can and before it does grow to be a big, big problem.

    I just don't want to mess up something obviously good for me by complicating it like I always do with messy romantic intent.
     
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  5. Lucifer

    Lucifer Registered User #666

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    Does that really have anything to do with Fe?

    I mean Ive felt unrequited, stupid, illogical attraction b4 and I'm an NT ya know.

    Stupid feelings should quite dare jobs.

    Well good luck, and don't get to impatient I would wait until you got a signal from her to decide what to do.

    Then again I am pretty drunk right now.

    :m200:
     
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  6. Pristinegirl

    Pristinegirl Well-known member

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    O M G I am so happy for you, this really had me smiling throughout the whole story. Really, turn the coin around!!! You are looking at the downside while there is a wonderful upside of possibilities. Who says she cant be your best friend as well as your partner? Having a relationship with a friend only means you took the friendship further and doesnt mean that you won't remain friends. :) I think that if you really click, which it sounds like you do, you will remain friends withor without feelings :p So my advice is to keep it going and see where it leads :)
    You might even find that you are satisfied with the love you recieve on this level of relationship =)
     
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    #6 Pristinegirl, May 16, 2009
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  7. OP
    Eniko

    Eniko May snark if provoked
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    Yeah I'm going to try to just... see where this whole thing goes and try my best not to rush anything like I usually do. On the one hand I'm really pretty chuffed to have someone so awesome in my life. On the other hand I'm only up typing this now because I have insomnia, and I have a pretty good idea why, even though I'm not going to acknowledge that.

    Stupid bad timing. Also, I seriously need to become less clingy. Although I suppose it might not have anything to do with that, but I'm too up close to really judge for myself whether it's one or the other. Either way I don't want to be into someone because of what might be twisted feelings of gratitude and neediness.

    Whoo rambly!
     
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  8. WickedPod

    WickedPod Community Member

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    Your significant other should always also be your best friend, or else the relationship can't really be all that serious. You know what I mean? But, don't rush the romance part, just yet. Give it some time. You don't HAVE to be in a romantic relationship right now, so don't force it. Just let it happen. If it's meant to be, it'll grow. If not, then it won't.

    Good luck! Brings back old memories of all that giddy, butterflies-my-stomach excitement of meeting someone new.
     
  9. slant

    slant Sedated slanty

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    Sad.
     
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  10. Julia

    Julia Community Member

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    That sounds like wise advice. It seems like those relationships that really work and are meant to be are not fragile at the core. It's okay to be human and make some mistakes. One wrong word or miscommunication simply does not wreck the meaningful, stable connections with people who really care and have some insight into who you are.

    I am happy for you.
    :mhula:
     
  11. OP
    Eniko

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    Thanks for the advice guys. I'll just take this slowly (or yanno, try) and see where I end up.

    wat
     
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