Some advice would be lovely...

Chessie

Chessie

Community Member
MBTI
INfJ
I'm in a new poly relationship with a woman whose never done poly before and it's altogether turned a bit sticky. Very sticky in fact. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Her alt (her other lover) is a guy (We'll call him Drew) and I admit to a tiny crush on Drew but he's straight, so no-dice for the tranny cat. Drew and I both met her and started relationships with her at approximately the same time. I am mostly the emotional support and he's mostly the sex.

I'm being kept out of the sexual side of the relationship with (We'll call her Cici) being she's been having lots and lots of sex with Drew. Sex is held out as something that may happen in the future at some point. In between, there's a lot of affection but because I register when she's reluctant to do something I hold back. Drew doesn't register those feelings and Cici is very easy to turn on and once there, she's very submissive so will comply with most things. He's a quick learner too and knows her buttons well. I'm glad she has him as a lover. Still, that's not the point of this post.

I've got a...well, a list of the reasons she's given me. I don't know what to make of them. I suppose in some way it's not the sex, but the exclusion that's bothering me immensely. Poly doesn't work with exclusion. Drew is very big on compersion. He's big, sweet and cute and I like him and he's encouraged Cici and I just as I've encouraged him and Cici and Drew's other play partner who is a mutual friend too. Just roll with it.

Cici is...very neurotic. She's a great example of what happens to an INFJ when you shame them endlessly. Lots of things in her mind are full of pain and fear. She's got brilliance and light and intelligence and character. I think I could grow a real relationship with her. I'm trying to be patient. She's very resilient but coming to poly hasn't been easy or fast for her. She's been abandoned or left people many many times in her attempts at monogamy.

She's said she wants to wait for her relationship with Drew to stabilize. She wants to grow to trust me more. She's trying to slow things to get to know me better. She's controlling our relationship because her relationship with Drew seems very fast and whirl-windy and he doesn't register objections very well yet. She's afraid of changing the dynamic between us.

I don't know...altogether I'm starting to feel a genuine bitterness and that's absolutely killer on a poly relationship. I'm fighting it tooth and nail. This isn't how I generally operate in a relationship and it's immensely uncomfortable. I woke up this morning and realized I was ashamed of wanting to sleep with her. That's a BAD headspace for me. Supremely bad.

I don't know what to do at the moment. I'm scared. I like her but I fear my own impatience. It's only been a month and a half. For many 'normal' couples that's a supremely short period, but I'm a kink person and a poly person. I'm those things BECAUSE normality makes me crazy. I don't go into relationships to fall into the rut of what's normal.
 
is all that frustration worth the possibility that things will not work out well? maybe you should tell her you like her but to call you when she sorts it all out?
 
Yeah...very. I don't know. I feel guilty for making this about sex. It's not about the sex really. I'm not a jealous person, but distance in a relationship makes me very sad.
 
i didn't think you sounded jealous at all. or that it was about the sex exactly. you sounded respectful of the person's individuality. i just thought it sounded like your expectations were not being met and that the relationship is not working for you in terms of what satisfies you in a relationship. there seems to have been some agreement that sex was going to happen but the agreement that was reached has not matched the reality of a situation that has turned out to be more complicated than expected. it seemed to me that someone was not being very mature about the nature of the agreement that had been reached and that it was not you. these are my impressions.
 
Some part of me is flashing a giant red light right now. My intuition tells me I should handle this situation immediately for better or for worse. Still, logical parts of my brain are saying 'be patient, don't push, don't worry'.
 
First, admit to yourself you're jealous. It's okay to be jealous.

Second, long distance and she's fucking someone else? Are you seriously considering a relationship with this person?

Third, move on, and find a proper relationship with someone who wants to be with you. She's fucking with you.
 
You strike me as someone who knows how to communicate on an intimate level extremely well. The only thing I can recommend is something you've probably already done, and that's tell her exactly what you're feeling, and ask how things can be made to work - this time, however, stress the urgency of this. If you've already done that, then I got nothing.

Also, I owe you a giant hug for helpin kucalove.
 
invisible said:
i didn't think you sounded jealous at all. or that it was about the sex exactly. you sounded respectful of the person's individuality. i just thought it sounded like your expectations were not being met and that the relationship is not working for you in terms of what satisfies you in a relationship. there seems to have been some agreement that sex was going to happen but the agreement that was reached has not matched the reality of a situation that has turned out to be more complicated than expected. it seemed to me that someone was not being very mature about the nature of the agreement that had been reached and that it was not you. these are my impressions.
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^This.

Skippy said:
You strike me as someone who knows how to communicate on an intimate level extremely well. The only thing I can recommend is something you've probably already done, and that's tell her exactly what you're feeling, and ask how things can be made to work - this time, however, stress the urgency of this. If you've already done that, then I got nothing.

Also, I owe you a giant hug for helpin kucalove.
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+1

We've already talked about this. As much as she's a lovely person, and you want to be there for her, and you want to be close to her... if that's not happening, and it's bothering/hurting/upsetting you, then it's not healthy and you need to call it off, if only temporarily. I know that's not an appealing option, though. :/ :hug:
 
Macka said:
First, admit to yourself you're jealous. It's okay to be jealous.

Second, long distance and she's fucking someone else? Are you seriously considering a relationship with this person?

Third, move on, and find a proper relationship with someone who wants to be with you. She's fucking with you.
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Poly relationships usually include multiple sexual and emotional partners. Thought I should point that out. Also what's a proper relationship?

Back to Chessie: Have you had this conversation with her? I can tell you really care about her and that you are genuinely worried about losing her. Maybe you should tell her that and express what is distressing you. It is a new experience for her and she may not now that she is actually causing you stress.

The bitterness is bad. If you can't get it in check one way or another it will eat at you and the relationship. I don't want to say leave her because I can't make that call, but take a little time.Step back and get that in check. Talk to her, talk to drew and work this out in the beautiful fashion that is exclusive to a poly relationship.

I really do hope it works out for you.
 
Chessie said:
I'm in a new poly relationship with a woman whose never done poly before and it's altogether turned a bit sticky. Very sticky in fact. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Her alt (her other lover) is a guy (We'll call him Drew) and I admit to a tiny crush on Drew but he's straight, so no-dice for the tranny cat. Drew and I both met her and started relationships with her at approximately the same time. I am mostly the emotional support and he's mostly the sex.

I'm being kept out of the sexual side of the relationship with (We'll call her Cici) being she's been having lots and lots of sex with Drew. Sex is held out as something that may happen in the future at some point.
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At this point, I was thinking "DUMP HER! DUMP HER! DUMP HER!"

You're her emotional tampon, women love to do this to guys who are caring and sensitive. They will never have sex with you though, and I have no clue why. It's basically the same thing as being put in the friend-zone because you qualify as a "nice guy", just in your case you're trans-sexual.

It's ok to be friend-zoned so long as you understand what you're getting into... if you do it thinking you're building a romantic relationship, then you'll just be hurt as you're starting to experience.

Basically, she's comming to you for the affection she desires, which means she's using you while being totally unwilling to give her entire self. It's a self-centered behavior and if she had to choose between you and the guy she screws, she'll take the guy she screws in a heartbeat.
 
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