Single parent families | INFJ Forum

Single parent families

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Reon, Jan 6, 2009.

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  1. Reon

    Reon Midnight's Garden

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    Well, I think it's fair to say that we've seen a fair increase in one parent families recently(Some say they know rank as 50% of all families, but that's bullshit), in the us and some other places, but it seems to have taken an odd turn where people think it's 'ok' to raise a child by themselves. I've seen numerous people, women mostly, stating that they want to get pregnant and raise a child by themselves; They 'other' parent won't be told or even know.

    I guess i'm and have a two parent family unit, but quite a few people in my family are single parents/guardians, as well as friends, and I honestly don't get how they think it should be 'accepted' as typical; even considered 'standard' for an family.

    Thoughts?
     
  2. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    I prefer the two parent system. It worked magnificently for me because my dad was at work a lot making a great deal of money* and my mum was at home to look after my sister and I. I got to see my parents all the time and I grew up with affection from both, as well as a firm financial base due to my father working, and then later my mother working from home.

    The problem that I see with one parent systems is that they tend to rely too much on outside assistance such as extended family, and government welfare. They don't have the full-time support of a second party for finances, sanity or childcare assistance. The other problem is the one of raising a child properly. I believe that genders as infants require the steady role models of both mother and father to understand how the genders treat each other and ape them in everyday developing life.



    *When my parents were married dad was an apprentice diesel mechanic and they (together) only had 8 dollars to their name after buying two rings. Six months later, they moved out of my mums parents home and into a trailer park. I lived in a mobile home for years, and then in government housing before my parents bought their own house, renovated, sold it and bought a better house. Now my parents buy property as a hobby.
     
  3. efromm

    efromm Hiding In My Shell...
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    Being a single parent sucks and I would not wish it on anyone! I am one..
     
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  4. moonbabyam

    moonbabyam Regular Poster

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    Everyone in my family directly has been divorced and to me marriage is just a peice of paper attached to some legal rights. I might participate to attain those rights permenatly if I have a life partner but the chances of that happening so far I leave alone b/c I have more important things to do in my life. White weddings are...egh, continuing the homosexual norm and traditional religious patriarchy in many parts of our society, so it might be more likely that I would try to do something different. But divorce...well. The fact that it even exisits means that union has to be approached differently if it is going to ever work out. Im ok with therapy (for everyone) in marriage prep and well....I think anyone should be able to marry anyone else after the age of 17. I don't agree with getting married at 17 but there are always extenuating circumstances. My parents weren't in love and got married cause she was knocked up with me. He was a cheating arse. I tend to think that divorce was great there...oh thats right Im still illiget! Ha!:m202::m202::m202:
     
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  5. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

  6. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    always wanted to say that and have it be true
     
  7. sumone

    sumone down the rabbit hole

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    I read somewhere that women are out numbering men now. Maybe for that reason women will more frequently do it on their own rather than miss out altogether.
    It's a huge job and I wouldn't want to be doing it alone.
     
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  8. Lurker

    Lurker Has nothing to destroy
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    Two parents indeed sounds ideal but what is more important is not only wanting to be a good parent but having the support and skills to do it and put their childrens needs first.

    I have a friend who more than anything wanted to have a family of her own, she was working as an early childhood teacher in the country and tried meeting people without much sucess, over time she came to the realisation that she didn't want to settle for just anyone as a partner but at 30(ish) she knew she wanted a child of her own rather than looking after other peoples.

    In order to do this she went through an IVF clinic interstate (couldn't do it here as a single mother), making that decision took a lot of thought and planning, she moved back to the city where her family were in full support and willing to help, was able to work in a less demanding capacity and is the most doting mother I've ever seen.

    Was this the right thing to do? Iunno, I can't know either the only fact that is clear is she wanted it and was prepared to face the down sides. Her little girl has a consistent male role model in her life in her uncle and grandfather and is one of the most contented kids I’ve seen, I have no reason to believe she will miss anything in her life.

    Meanwhile I grew up with two parents, everything about my family was text-book perfection, middle income, good neighbourhood, dad ran his own successful business, mum stayed at home to keep the household in order and raise her kids, together we attended church every Sunday, dad was very respected and would get up as a speaker some weeks, us kids never caused any problems in our schools, church or neighbourhood, sounds great and stable right, well the problem is my parents shouldn’t have been married, some of the most vivid and painful memories from my childhood are hiding in my bedroom listening to my parents argue, things changed for the worse in their marriage when they moved states which was a year before I was born so while on the outside things looked perfect it never was. Even after they finally split the effects lingered with my mother’s mental health. I would have preferred them not to stay together for so long just because it was the ‘right thing to do’. I would have preferred a single-parent childhood.

    Two parents is not better unless they are unified in their approach.

    As for what's typical or standard these days, well I don't think there is a formula; people don't want to wait to meet the ‘one’ to have sex, divorce is as normal as marriage and non-traditional parenting is becoming more common.

    At the end of the day it comes down to the individual/s and how they provide for their kids physically, mentally and emotionally.
     
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  9. Motor Jax

    Motor Jax randomness included
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    this is exactly why both parents need to be involved in the development of children... though the parents may not be married, both need to be involved...

    Emotional Intelligence with both parents involved also plays an important part in the development of children...
     
  10. Lurker

    Lurker Has nothing to destroy
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    You can say it's desirable but not needed, alternate role models can be found, it’s about proper nurturing not having a mother and a father.
     
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  11. Motor Jax

    Motor Jax randomness included
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    its most desired in that it teaches 1) girls how to treat their future husbands 2) how boys should treat their future wife's

    divorce and single-parenting is on an ever-increasing rate... why? because both parents are not there to show them how its done... or showing them that divorcing for money is the way to make yourself in this world...

    and i truly believe that second option as i have been thru 2 of them (divorces) myself... i have seen what is has done and the potential of what it can do to my kids...

    that is also why i will not have anymore kids (surgically taken care of)... and i have no short nor long-term plans of getting married again... the scars still runs too deep for that...



    *note*yes, i feel strongly about this subject...
     
  12. Pristinegirl

    Pristinegirl Well-known member

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    Oh well that is not a solution to run of and get it surgically removed, you might regret yourself in the future as you realise it is impossible to go back. At least keep the option there, even though you don't plan on getting another child. It probably runs very deep but time will ease your pain, I'm sure of it, just hang in there!


    Personally I'm a child of divorse, the Only child, and yes single parent familly's can be succesful but they never replace the desirable spirit of a healthy whole familly. In my case as I was the only child, I was torn inbetween two vulnerble parents, loving both of them very much. Then as the divorce settled I lost my sense of security and didn't know whome to turn to or talk to. I continuosly lived with my mother who was bashing and talking shit about my dad constantly. Hence why I went to my dads quite alot after school. This was untill he moved abroad and we met like every other 3rd month and still do. Furthermore I became like two different persons around my parents, one with my mom and completely different with my dad... and I still am. Identity problems? Doesn't surprise me.
     
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  13. slant

    slant Sedated slanty

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    I grew up in a single parent family. My parents divorced when I was eight, so after that I just lived with my mom. I see my dad every weekend, he pays a steady child support of $600 dollars a month and I came out just fine. My mom works 40 hours a week; it's hard for her, but we're not on welfare or anything. The only thing I object to a single parent family is when the parent starts dating people. My mom refuses because she believes it will have an impact on her kids- and she's right, it will.
     
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  14. ZenCat

    ZenCat Waving Sage

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    I'm struck by what seems to be the notion so far in this thread that all single-parent families are single-parent by choice. And that such a choice is "irresponsible".

    I suspect most single-parent families are a result of circumstance rather than choice.

    I was raised by a single parent (my mother) when my father left us. He never paid the child support they had agreed upon, despite the fact that his salary was vastly greater than my mother's. My mother never remarried. While I spent summers with my father, I do not consider him, or his marriage to my stepmother, or how her 6 children were raised in that marriage to resemble anything LIKE a role model. My mother never remarried, but raised me on her own, without government assistance.

    Without exception, all of the other single-parent friends I had (not many, this was the 60's) were being raised by their mothers, because their fathers had left them.

    I was married young. My first husband and I divorced when my daughter was a year old, and I became a single parent at 22. My husband never sent the child support (because he wouldn't have been able to make his Harley payment, poor dear) we had agreed on, despite the fact that it was not enough to cover one week's worth of child care per month, and I had to work 2 jobs to pay for it, in the crappy apartment in the crappy city which was the only place I could afford. I qualified for government assistance, but I never applied for it.

    I am hugely grateful to be living in a stable, loving marriage and grateful that my son will have the benefits of it because I do think it's the ideal situation. Like most "ideals" however, I believe it to be the exception rather than the rule.

    I also firmly believe that being raised by a committed loving single parent is preferable to being raised within a toxic marriage, and absolutely does not guarantee an upbringing failure. I know just as many people who are deeply damaged by having grown up in abusive, unhappy families as I do those who were damaged by the absence of an active father in their lives.

    I think it would be enlightening to conduct a study on why so many fathers abandon their children, but I've never had to objectivity to look into it in any depth. Even if a marriage ends, I wish more fathers would maintain a commitment to their children. Oh, and I really wish the moral conflict over birth control didn't exist.

    If every man wore a condom every time he had sex with a woman he is not prepared to raise children with, these statistics would fall through the floorboards. So would the incidence of many sexually transmitted diseases.

     
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  15. Silently Honest

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    What she said.
     
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  16. arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    My generation was the first to really explore the possibility of divorce on a major scale. I was probably one of the first children in my school from a divorced/separated household, although divorce became far more commonplace as I got older.

    Did my mother do a great job? Sure she did, on what she had. That's not in dispute. But would I have preferred a positive, regular male role model in my life growing up? Yes. I would have. I have trust issues with men, and I think that really stems from not having a positive male role model engaged in my life. It's nothing huge or earth shattering, but I do recognize the effects of not having two regular opposite sex role models in my life.

    I don't know if you can really use the statistics because I think there can be other causes, but the majority of current prisoners came from either abusive or single parent households...and many male prisoners will tell you that they joined gangs because they found a male role model they admired.

    I'm showing my bias here, but there really isn't a substitute for two opposite sex, loving parents who love each other first and their children second. I'll all for parental adoption and same-sex couples adopting children, because it's far better to have a loving home than no home at all. But to be honest, to have a balanced view of humanity, I feel one needs a balanced view of both males and females in the household environment from infancy through high school.
     
  17. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    This is definitely not to mention the finances factor in it. Can those of you who have been the product of a single parent family, or were the parent in one, say that you were truly financially stable? Financial Stability plays its part in the spiritual development of a person (part of a hindu belief i agree with, Artha, Kama, dharma, moksha)

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purusharthas
     
  18. ZenCat

    ZenCat Waving Sage

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    We were definitely financially stable, though we were not well off. We lived in small apartments, and usually had to share a bedroom (my mother never owned her own home and was stunned when I bought my own home a year before I met my husband). We didn't have luxuries, but I always had clean clothes in good repair, and there was always food, though I was fairly self-sufficient from an early age because my mother left for work at about 6:30 in the morning and got home at 6:00 at night.

    My best friend/next door neighbor (who's father left when her mother was pregnant) had a virtually identical situation financially.

    When I was a single parent I was able (by working 2 jobs) to pay for rent & utilities and for a good (safe/nurturing) childcare facility, though we ate very meagrely at home (my babysitter provided breakfast and lunch for my daughter). Ultimately my daughter went to live with my husband when he remarried (when I was coerced into believing a 2-parent family was in the best interest of my child... which turned out to be erroneous since his wife never wanted children and was a very poor parent). I had my daughter for every school vacation, and bought all of her school clothes, and paid for her braces. She returned to live with me at age 14.
     
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  19. efromm

    efromm Hiding In My Shell...
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    I am a dad that has stayed with his kids. I hate to say it but most of the time from my experience the kids get used as pawns against the Father. In my case and all of my friends cases that is a fact. My x kept me away from my daughter for no reason for three months. I took her to court, even before I got to court I had to goto mediation.

    In mediation the mediator sided with the mother and tried to write me outta my kids life. This whole fathers don't mean a thing has to stop. Without me my daughter would have never been born! I am a part of her life I gave her life. I decided to not sign the mediation papers. I took her to court and the judge gave me Joint Full Custodial rights over my daughter. So I have her half the year now and her mom has her half the year.

    She got served by the judge big time. She is so pissed that I got half custody. And why should she? I am half responsible for the child. She is my daughter too. The whole women can be the only parent is bullshit to me. I am a good father and I father my child. I understand why men leave. I don't excuse their weakness for leaving I understand it. That is your legacy your dna. You should own up and grow up and show up!!
     
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  20. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    Or at least nuke the entire town so noone ever finds out.
     
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