Self-Esteem and Surroundings

[LGLPbeliever]

I've read a few posts on here where self-esteem was mentioned and it intrigued me, especially because i'm in a lower self-esteem situation right now than usual. As an INFJ, it's recurring and of course expected, but I was wondering if anyone has found healthy ways of building up their own self-esteem? Being introverted, intuitive, and feeling has it's down sides when us INFJ's are given reasons to doubt ourselves, and then everything else comes crashing down as we constantly think about the problem. Trying to make yourself positive and confident usually doesn't work. At least that's my experience most of the time.

So... what social situations are you usually most positive in? What situations are you most negative in? Have you found that any type of person or personality will eventually bring you down? What long-term relationships or situations/friends have helped build your self-esteem and vice versa? (Any other questions along these lines that anyone can think of)

 

[Matt3737]

I find that realizing other people share the same problems is enough motivation to be more confident in oneself.

 

[invisible]

i have found particular social relationships to be more or less validating but i don't think any could have done the job for me if i hadn't started myself on it. i found pushing myself to do things that were important to me but difficult for me was good so far - making continuous small achievements of things that mattered to me. doing some exercise and feeling that i am healthy and in better shape. and actually it has been one of those things in which fake it til i make it has made some sense. holding my head up and working on keeping a good posture, smiling at strangers and finding that they would sometimes smile back, made a difference although it was sometimes a downer when i didn't get the response i wanted - when i bounced back it just made me feel even more that it was how i approached myself, and my relationship with myself, that really mattered. the willingness to go back and try again rather than let myself be crushed by less positive responses.

that is an awesome avatar btw

 

[Sensiko]

Self-esteem comes from you alone. Settings and people can't give you esteem by definition. You have to put in the effort to change whatever it is you don't like about yourself or come to terms and accept whatever it is. Easier said than done, but real growth takes effort on your part.

 

[invisible]

but then again it's a point that it's not exactly helpful to surround ourselves with people and situations that deny and conflict with the things we value, that hate and destroy us.

 

[LGLPbeliever]

I really appreciate your response, invisible. You know what? I think I completely agree with you that that is what should be done/I need to do. I find myself really wanting to do that when I am in better moods. Things like smiling at people and faking it until things really get better. I can see how getting a positive response from others when we're really trying to reach out would help our outlook on ourselves. And thanks for the compliment! I love a lot of the illustrations for LOtR.

 

[Stu]

It makes great sense to find self esteem in situations, it is also and excellent strategy to seek out those individuals and environments and nurture them. It is what Heinz Kohut called "Transmuting Internalization" The idea is that an individual lacks self esteem because, for whatever reasons, when the self esteem building episodes in one's early life were unfolding, the "building" or internal psychic structure did not occur or was arrested.


'[engendering a sense of self in us]....... what self psychologist Heinz Kohut called 'transmuting internalization: oneness with an idealized source of strength and calm.' The child competes with his parents for power and is frustrated in the attempt. He then internalizes his parents' power rather than competing with them, and as a result he develops a sense of mastery and self-esteem. In adult life, he knows how to internalize others' support and thereby gain the power to support himself. Transmuting internalization provides us with an inner nurturant parent, a coherent adult self that can protect the inner child." David Richo: How to be an Adult in a Relationship p56

Kohut claimed that it was the "frustrated in the attempt" part that actually builds esteem. In psychotherapy a therapist following Kohut's method will first attempt to empathetically bond with the client, the client can then internalize the therapists esteem for the client as the client's own self esteem.

Kuhot believed that what was healing was not the successful empathetical bond and subsequent internalization, but the clients recovery from repeated failures by the therapist to do it.

A kind of slow climb based on many little falls.

 

[Nixie]

I think part of what helps build self esteem is re-programming your inner voice. I always claim I have a particularly harsh inner critic. I have to consciously re-map the (internal) words I use to describe/evaluate a situation when I am feeling poorly. It is a matter of looking at a situation in the worst possible light or looking at it with a more generous spirit. Once you begin to give yourself some breathing room and learn to be more forgiving with how you think about yourself, I think it will build that inner confidence.

 

[JGirl]

I've read a few posts on here where self-esteem was mentioned and it intrigued me, especially because i'm in a lower self-esteem situation right now than usual. As an INFJ, it's recurring and of course expected, but I was wondering if anyone has found healthy ways of building up their own self-esteem? Being introverted, intuitive, and feeling has it's down sides when us INFJ's are given reasons to doubt ourselves, and then everything else comes crashing down as we constantly think about the problem. Trying to make yourself positive and confident usually doesn't work. At least that's my experience most of the time.

So... what social situations are you usually most positive in? What situations are you most negative in? Have you found that any type of person or personality will eventually bring you down? What long-term relationships or situations/friends have helped build your self-esteem and vice versa? (Any other questions along these lines that anyone can think of)

the only person that ever helped me with self esteem was my therapist. if it weren't for her i don't know where i would have ended up back then. she helped me see myself in a real way, showed me who i was, helped me to love that person.
i'm awkward/uncomfortable in most social situations, unless there are a great number of people and i can get just blend into the wall.
i don't consider that a self esteem issue so much as my lack of desire to be around people.

 

[barbad0s]

i've found that anything, any person or situation or thought pattern that asserts or implies "you need to be x in order to be an inherently good and worthy human being", is going to be disaster if you let it suck you in and have it influence your thinking

 

[skippy64]

i've found that anything, any person or situation or thought pattern that asserts or implies "you need to be x in order to be an inherently good and worthy human being", is going to be disaster if you let it suck you in and have it influence your thinking

Exactly! I wanted to say something similar to that. I always used to point out something strange about myself, and see it as a negative thing. For example, I say to myself, "why do I think too much what I'm going to say to somebody before I do it?" "I just need to stop thinking so much in order to appear more natural in conversation." And, although those thoughts may be true, it made me feel bad about my current self. So, now I say things like, "Hmm, maybe I do that because I'm a thoughtful person, and I want people to know I care about this conversation we're having." Then I start acting out those feelings by making a smile and looking up at the person naturally.

 

[acd]

Becoming your own friend seems to work...
accepting your faults and mistakes and forgiving yourself for them--and then working to improve and encourage yourself.
Focus on maintaining a positive internal dialogue with yourself and then be sure to surround yourself with people who support that.
In my experience, that is the surest way.

 

[LGLPbeliever]

Yes, I've found that thinking your MBTI is the thing that defines you can be a big mistake. The hard part is to go from realizing it's a mistake to think that to not even thinking that. It just takes some time. Even though I'm sure it's possible to get to a place where you are more comfortable with yourself in general, I feel like there are certain people that INFJ's tend to be more comfortable around. I generally don't feel comfortable around people if I know that I can't or won't share my true feelings with them.

 

[LGLPbeliever]

For instance: Does anyone find that being in larger groups of people is usually a little daunting? I always found myself to be more comfortable when there would be less people in class at school.

 

[endersgone]

For instance: Does anyone find that being in larger groups of people is usually a little daunting? I always found myself to be more comfortable when there would be less people in class at school.

Depends, if it's enough people where I can get lost in the crowd I prefer large groups. If it's too few, I feel that I can easily get singled out. I think a medium range keeps me the most productive (which isn't necessarily my preference). If I'm interacting with people constantly, the smaller the group the better... I'm at my best one on one.

 

[FamineGT]

I'm not a big fan of really large crowds and settings. It kind of tires me out and I get a bit irritated.

As for the OP, I find it never hurts to pick up or learn something. Either a new skill or hobby or something that will improve you as a person will help greatly towards that goal. For me personally, I like helping friends of mine (being careful to filter out those that will appreciate me rather than use me) because I have the tendency to base my self-worth on what I feel others think or feel. Some friends have been able to rely on my abilities I developed over the years which has helped on the esteem front. As well, most of my current friends are pretty good about the long gaps in communication during the times when I've been developing myself. I tend to have more of a "support" mentality rather than a "leader" mentality so if I can benefit the group with my abilities, then those will be the situations I will be the most postive in and vice versa.

 

[Norton]

Just do good things for yourself, your family, and society in general, and you'll develop better self-esteem. It's simple. Even though you're an introvert, concentrate on doing things that have meaning and impact.

 

[Sriracha]

Ever since I graduated high school, I have volunteered my time for some endeavor. I still do and I love it. Giving back to my community gives me great pleasure, fulfillment and accomplishment. The smallest thing you do leaves a lasting impact on something or someone. This positive energy is gifted back to you in abundance. I cannot stress that enough.

"Friendships" never gave me any of those things. You will only find self esteem within yourself. It's not something that happens overnight, but a very slow process over time. Age will become your best friend. I HATED my early 20s. I love my age now and I love that at my age ... there is no such thing as age difference. I have many friends in their 50s. I love their no nonsense approach to life, no b.s., no facade, just ordinary people being their true self and respecting others for what makes them different. I suppose I tried to find this within friends during my early 20s and that is probably the reason I didn't have many friends at that time. LOL

 

[namiasdf]

Oooo.
This is something I've just finished struggling with after a life long battle, read my thread for more info (It's my introductory thread).

1v1 situations are your PRIMO situation. Or one that has very similar minded people. I know that I excel at 1v1, and that's how people come to love me, despite my extremely obnoxious persona that I have in group situations.

As for your self esteem, you just need to make friends who will reciprocate how much you care for them. They accept my advice and now trust me to give them advice that affects their future (we're engineering students, I'm the only one with an engineering father. His advice I pass down, even though they're my direct competition. That's how much I care about them).

I know I wasn't happy being a loner introvert. Being this socially popular introvert who doesnt' have to be socially accountable has granted me life fulfillment while maintaining my introversion. They all understand I genuinely want to be their friend despite not ever wanting to go out with them. (Except for the 1v1 occurrences.)

I also found that asserting yourself that your ideals don't HAVE to be applicable to all you friends, keeps you sane. I used to be prioritize making people realize what I determined to be morally wrong. Unless it goes past a certain point, you need to let it go. People have to make their own mistakes, despite us not ever wanting to see them suffer.

This is just what I've done to turn myself into this extremely secure, confident and social person (while still maintaining my introversion).

 

[knight in battle]

Everything written on this thread so far resonates with me. Norton and Namiasdf made good points which I will expand on:

1. Reach out to other introverted types of people (many of whom are INTs and occasionally INFs, both of whom are 1% of the population). Interacting with "loner" types can be a great feeling, as you both appreciate positive, calm, one-on-one interaction but may always feel comfortable reaching out to someone.

2. Surround yourself in peaceful, unintrusive, comfortable settings - whether in your own house (esp. if you have roommates) or in a public place. Allow yourself to "feel" the things that are going on with the people around you, your environment, etc. Move to a different location if there is uncomfortable stimuli (from people, etc). Don't interact with people who cause your hair to rise. This will activate your secondary Feeling function, which is critical to healthy functioning in the world for an INFJ. Use it.

3. Reciprocation is important. Certain types will not reciprocate in the best way. Keep a distance from people who are obviously negative or flaky. Control what situations/times you want to interact with them - particularly with Ps - or you will forever be chasing the wind; this will affect your self-esteem. One of my best friends is INTP. I have to interact with him in limited, safe settings where he can't unleash his negative, unappreciative comments toward me. Whatever actual type a friend might be, I have found it particularly helpful to find other introverted feelers and some INTs to be delightful. NTs, however, will not always reciprocate in the way you might want/expect. INFs/ISFs will at least understand your need for conversation or affection. (Keep away from ISTJs.)

4. Find free therapists or low-cost therapists in your college or community. Many therapists are INFs themselves who will be excellent sounding boards in an otherwise misunderstanding world full of Sensors (75% of the population) and Extroverts (75%).

5. Read Two Step (McCann 1994). Pursue intimacy.

6. Find introverted friends. (Again, keep away from the negative SJ types... very controlling.)