Review an INTJ: The Law of the Friend Zone

[only human]

Hello All,

Okay, this is meant for review before I employ it on people who want me to agree to a friendzone. As a bit of background I'm a guy who takes things too seriously, and am tired of girls suggesting that we commit to being friends, even if I only consider them friends anyway. That sort of action feels wrong and limiting, so I'm going to try and turn it around to what I feel comfortable with and how I envisage friendship in an INTJ fashion. On that note, I intend it as something I'm going to use to highlight flaws and to reflect how disturbing I find their actions in order to stop them cold, rather than something I'm going to try to actually force onto people : P

So, here it is, for your review, in all its concise, arctic-cold loyalty promoting and horrifically implicatory glory:


The Law of the Friend Zone

A promise that for both parties all ties are converted into a friendship with the basis of a genuine,
ongoing loyalty in the stead of any attention, affirmation, affection or love that would normally exist
or that has already been given, until a time where both parties formally agree to mutually end this
arrangement.


End. Also, please don't use it yet at least until it has been reviewed by some wise INFJ. This idea is not going to make you friends or lose you friends, but its going to have them make hard decisions which could go either way, really. So less power to you relationship wise if you use it unless you have a thing for freedom of rational choice. : P

 

[Bird]

You know what's really uncomfortable?


When someone you're good friends with that's the opposite sex than you starts up the conversation "So... do you really think males and females can be just friends?"
Why yes. Yes I do. I must depart now. Cheerio.



This is why we prepare and declare friend-zone BEFORE anyone gets hopeful.
It's not meant in a rude way.
I would much rather remain close friends with those I consider dear to me than
date them, start hating them, and then push them out of my life. If I want to be
friends with you it's because I see your company as a lasting endeavor I would
like to consistently and constantly be on good terms with. Men should not take
being "Friend-Zoned" as an insult. It is a compliment. Be happy and grateful that
you mean so much to us that we don't want to even consider not having you in our
lives if our more romantic relationship were to end. Because that's how it is, no one
really remains "friends" after ending a more than platonic relationship and you're too
important to us to throw away.


/rant.


I'm just tired of everyone getting pissed about the "Friend-Zone"

 

[only human]

Be happy and grateful that
you mean so much to us that we don't want to even consider not having you in our
lives if our more romantic relationship were to end.

Don't you think its time to move on into a genuine friendship instead of holding on to the affection they use to provide?

 

[Phoenix Down]

HA HA I LOVE IT.

I sugest a formal contract be added.

 

[Number B]

Well if you didn't want to end up in the friends zone.
You should have attracted first, and than draw them closer with emotional bonding.
Instead of emotional bonding and them not wanting to let that go cause it feels safe and secure.

They know you'd already do what you do for them as a friend, but just to assure themselves
that they will not lose the "good" thing they have going on with you. They will ask you to just
stay friends with them. Which in all honesty only benefits them and doesn't do very much for you.
You can either accept the fact that your for ever going to be friends or show her that other
females are interested in you (cause of course you are awsome ). In which case she will
begin to wonder if your not boyfriend material instead of just friends material.

If you do just want to be friends, than I guess the contract is just fine the way it is. People just
want to feel safe man.

 

[only human]

They know you'd already do what you do for them as a friend, but just to assure themselves that they will not lose the "good" thing they have going on with you.
...
People just want to feel safe man.

I'm straight back to the drawing board due to the quoted points. Thanks man.

 

[Barnabas]

friends zones are cruel, specially for the guys(and girls?) that prefer to be friends before they date. Which makes sense, why would you want to enter into a relationship with someone you know little to nothing about.

 

[only human]

Just as an update, I've reviewed Number B's method, and in terms of romantic and friendship relationships seems to hinge upon having an INFJ level of emotional awareness vigilance, and for the former in particular, a level of attention from girls that is reliable beyond a guy's delusions of popularity. At this rate I may just have to resort to understanding people more instead of battling on straight away using a logical approach, which is fine too.

Ok, this thread is partially coverted into an advice and a think aloud session as well as retaining its original fuction. Romance, the pursuit of genuine friendship, thoughts, dreams of ideal relationships, the steps towards a success, etc are fine too as long as they are related.

 

[only human]

Hmm. Also as an update, I'm going to secretly test the law on myself.
I don't like the idea of setting it loose onto my friends without thorough knowledge of its effects.
Plus its something to keep me occupied while I nut any advice from this forum out.

/ insert inevitable mad scientist cackling

 

[Bird]

Hmm. Also as an update, I'm going to secretly test the law on myself.
I don't like the idea of setting it loose onto my friends without thorough knowledge of its effects.
Plus its something to keep me occupied while I nut any advice from this forum out.

/ insert inevitable mad scientist cackling

Please keep us updated on how it goes.

 

[Poetic Justice]

Erm... I think this is a terrible idea.

lets hope it doesn't catch on

 

[only human]

Please keep us updated on how it goes.

Sure thing. The truth of what you posted above is beginning to dawn on me.
Thanks for posting it and being honest, I should have been more open to it at the time.

I think its a complicated issue, but I'm keen to get to the bottom of it.
Please note there is also truth to the guy's side of the tale.

/start INTJ weakness finder

There is a lot of problems with the way friend zoning occurs, even if we assume friend zoning in itself isn't bad.

For instance, "I think you are a great guy" is a terrible thing to say if you want to maintain a relationship for many reasons through a friend zone, although I would like to believe most girls would have genuinely good intentions.

1. The guy usually wants someone to understand him, like most people. Yet offering admiration instead of understanding is like handing a burning person some birthday candles instead of some water. See, admiration isn't understanding; admiration is an act of accidental distancing. Nice gesture; bad timing... Its hard to think of a better expression for the faliure to understand between people, come to think of it. Not the best move.
2. The guy was probably there when the girl needed him, and now when the situation reverses she probably should have instead carefully acknowledged that he can be hurt, which is the same thing he would have done many times for her. Not the best move.
3. Also, you know how we lift a child's self esteem up a peg or two before we prepare to deliver a blow to it? Not very flattering way to treat a guy or anyone for that matter; its kind of demeaning. Not the best move.
4. Also, if I may use a metaphor to express empty sentiment, if there are only two parachutes on a plane about to crash it doesn't matter if you are third on the list or the last, and greatness suddenly loses all meaning.

Just something for girls and guys to think about.

Naturally, anyone using that line is in no position to request anything, let alone mutual, respectable friendship.

/end INTJ weakness finder

Hmm. Or don't think about it that much. To be honest, either way you play it you will probably get him annoyed.
I guess its time to think of something positive to offer otherwise its just frustrating for everyone and kind of unfair...

Maybe look after him like he looked after you? I dunno.

 

[Number B]

Please note there is also truth to the guy's side of the tale.
...
There is a lot of problems with the way friend zoning occurs, even if we assume friend zoning in itself isn't bad.
...
For instance, "I think you are a great guy" is a terrible thing to say if you want to maintain a relationship for many reasons through a friend zone, although I would like to believe most girls would have genuinely good intentions.
...
offering admiration instead of understanding is like handing a burning person some birthday candles instead of some water.
...
Naturally, anyone using that line is in no position to request anything, let alone mutual, respectable friendship.
...
either way you play it you will probably get him annoyed.
I guess its time to think of something positive to offer otherwise its just frustrating for everyone and kind of unfair...

Spot on mate, I think we all can agree that being friends isn't a bad thing.
(To the females) Please understand that sometimes we're not looking for just friendship..
And I understand you'd like to have a guy friend around to discuss things with. But if you we're
really going to just stay friends you should have indicated in the start that you we're not looking
for a relationship.. (Just get a gay buddy to talk to?).

Another thing, he made a very good point. "Anyone using that line is in no position to request anything".
If you use that line it only means you have let that person develop feelings towards you. It's really crud
that you should use that line after you let it happen. And mutual and respectable friendships never came
by forcing a contract "friends-zone" down the throat of the other person.

Honestly you if you claim it is a compliment... I get it, yes the person is important to you. But you should
at least try to understand the male position in this almost chess like game your playing.
It becomes either dealing with something he was not looking for, or leaving the situation.

 

[Tamagochi]

hehe, you should do it You'll need guts for this but the results will be totally worth it. I would also suggest several improvements for the contract:

"Both parties agree that each of them is free to fuck around with anyone they want and the other party will not be offended. If any party will develop any romantic feelings towards the other, then the offender shall be punished by a heart-break, lots of emotional pain and a one-sided termination of friendship contract".

In other words do a reverse friend-zone trick on her. Spell out that no matter how she looks or acts towards you she will get no romantic interest from you. And mean it !!!

Even better if you would formulate the contract one-sided instead of two sided. After all by putting you in a friend zone she has already enforced a similar one-sided contract upon you. So you would only give her a taste of her own medicine.

I did try this when last time someone made an attempt to friend-zone me. The results were very interesting.

 

[Wyst]

Man - I seriously wish everyone who felt this way would carry these around and implement them without exception. That way the rest of us who don't want to have a condition attached to the freindship that would...

have them make hard decisions

... would know the stay the eff away from them. The thought of a pre-nup to a friendship is ludicrous. Starting a friendship that's contingent on your terms doesn't sound like a two-way thing - which, I think, all healthy relationships should be.

 

[Nixie]

Okay, probably not the response you are looking for: This is just soooooo cute! It makes me giggle all girly girly which, if you really knew me, would tell you how funny I find this whole thing. You are young. I have found that age has brought many things, above all, the ability to better judge how I flirt. To have a better understanding of how to let a guy know if things are going somewhere or not. I just didn't have that when I was in my 20's. You just keep working on this Friend Zone contract but it won't really help. Mixed signals will always persist and the whole man/woman thing doesn't get easier, you just get better at wading through it.

 

[only human]

Starting a friendship that's contingent on your terms doesn't sound like a two-way thing - which, I think, all healthy relationships should be.

Man - I seriously wish everyone who felt this way would carry these around and implement them without exception.

This idea is meant to horrify you - I'm holding up a mirror to the friend zone.
Obviously in the current state neither is balanced or healthy... or I thought it was obvious.

I'm an INTJ. I want to get you to think.

 

[only human]

Okay, probably not the response you are looking for: This is just soooooo cute! It makes me giggle all girly girly which, if you really knew me, would tell you how funny I find this whole thing. You are young. I have found that age has brought many things, above all, the ability to better judge how I flirt. To have a better understanding of how to let a guy know if things are going somewhere or not. I just didn't have that when I was in my 20's. You just keep working on this Friend Zone contract but it won't really help. Mixed signals will always persist and the whole man/woman thing doesn't get easier, you just get better at wading through it.

: D We all laugh at the antics of our younger days.
Please, enjoy the show. I hope to join you in the near future.

 

[grt$5vb]

I LOVE the contract, as is, except that I would be careful not to use it on the friend I DO NOT wish to abruptly discontinue touching & flirting... These monkeys are driving me CRAZY! I will mutate into INTJ, yet! *rubs hands together* Muahahahahah.....

 

[JJJA]

The 'friend-zone' does not exist. It is a phantom situation developed by socially insecure people that think they're entitled to more than what they offer. That's my opinion, which I am sure is going to be contested.

(This coming from an INTJ male that has a very limited history with females, but I don't blame my lack of female relationships on people that like to talk to me as a friend. It does not mean they are going to be my friend for eternity, stop it).