Primal Scream

Black Swan

Black Swan

Community Member
MBTI
INFJ
Another thread kind of triggered this one. I think I've stopped introducing people into my life for so long, that I've very nearly lost the ability to cultivate relationships, or even make a lasting connection. It's depressing, I want to, but it's like I don't belong anywhere. One of the reasons I joined this forum was to try to make some sort of connection, just anything, even if it's just baby steps to help me progress in my everyday life. I thought for sure this would jump start something in me because I'd be talking to people similar to myself... And now, as I sit here and think about it, it seems worse than it did before. If I can't open up to people like me, how the hell am I going to do it with others?

Even in the comfort of my own home, hidden away from pressure and expectation, knowing that it is likely I will never meet any of you, 300 posts and almost 6 months later, I still can't connect. There are people here I like in general that energize me and I have things in common with, but still I can't bring myself to really open up, not even send out a "friend request". I don't think I know how to be a friend anymore. Even, in my everyday life, I will get invitations to social gatherings and I always turn them down...even if I really do want to go. And those who wanted my company eventually just give up. I don't know if it's a vulnerability issue for me or something else. For the first time in a long time, my heart feels heavy and alone. I just want to say "Eff it" and become a hermit permanently. Words aren't enough anymore, a primal scream feels like a better form of communication.
 
Last night I after looking through my phone I realized I only had one friend 1 real friend I wasn't related too. Yeah shit sucks. I don't know what to tell you.
 
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I completely understand where you're coming from. When I went to college, I felt the exact same way that you did -- I got invited twice by a fellow student to go bar hopping and to another event with him and his group of friends (he was a really nice extrovert, probably an ESFP) but I had nervous apprehensions towards going out with a bunch of people I really made no effort to know -- I suppose, felt diminuative, socially. So generally stuck with the small group of people I did know (who did not go to the college).

The only things I can suggest that work for me at least a little bit involve exercising (just going for a walk) to combat stir-craziness, and self-expression (I play the guitar, and find singing to be a release of sorts). Of course none of these are totally sufficient to combat habitual isolation, but they provide temporary relief.
 
Don't try to connect you already know how. You just need to be more confortable and do what you love. The more you love life the easier it will be to connect.

Go outside and just go do stuff on your own.

Snowboarding, Diving, Painting, Poetry Club, Running, Biking

basically anything you might like to do around a place that might have people doing the same.

However the catch is that the event is all about you and the world first not someone in particular. If someone happens to say hello you decide if you want to talk, if not then you go back to what you love doing.


Heres the secret, relationships with the living and non-living stems from beauty. The real question is can you see the beauty all around you? Can you see the beauty in these people?

We all know it exists whether we want to see it or not is up to us.
 
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You know I've been reading a lot of sentiments like yours Black Swan all over the Internet lately. I think as a society we are experiencing a lot of loneliness.

I agree with Naxx that you should just focus on doing what you love and friends will show up. I don't think you can just go out on the street and make friends with someone, just like you can't find a boyfriend or girlfriend in the same manner.

Or maybe take a community college course at night once a week or a martial arts class or a running class, etc. Think about a hobby you might enjoy picking up and you might meet people that way.

Sometimes it depends on where you live as well. I was miserable living in LA for a long time because (1) I think LA sucks and (2) I didn't know anyone there. So I moved to a different city and became a lot happier.

There's nothing wrong with you for feeling lonely. But you can feel lonely in a huge crowd of people as well. Take the opportunity to figure out what you love to do, what you would do if you couldn't have any friends, and I think in doing those activities you will attack like-minded personalities with whom you can enjoy doing things.

Also, remember the curse of the INFJ -- we demand perfection in our relationships, and people aren't perfect. I wanted a "perfect" friend for so long. He/she doesn't exist. Maybe there are people in your life with whom you can be friends if you lowered your standards a bit (or maybe there aren't). As long as there is a give and take, as long as you can have fun with people, that's all that matters. Don't take anyone's abuse, but sometimes in our quest for perfection we overlook very decent people with whom we can be friends.
 
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You could try what I like to do if I want to make friends. One day, one room. And I dont mean sleeping around :D .

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One_Day,_One_Room

Its from house ;)
In general, what I mean is do something you like, force yourself into situations that would have you interact with people or else you would not be able to complete whatever you are doing. It must be fun for you too. For example, I'm taking up Krav Maga now. You can't train on your own and every lesson you have to pair up. This forces me to know more people and the people I've met there are very nice. I'm not sure you get what I mean but I hope it helps
 
Black Swan, what was it like when you were active about pursuing relationships? What happened or changed around the time you slowed down / stopped? There was a reason you used to go after relationships.

Are you maybe disillusioned as a result of a poor relationship(s)? There was a reason you stopped going after relationships.

I have an insatiable desire for closeness, intimacy, relationship. I hope I'm not reading too much of myself into you when I say that I think you were this way once too. I want to really connect with others, but it's like I keep running into walls - I can't really offer myself when the other person doesn't understand me. If this persists for a long period of time, I can see myself despairing of the connection I long for. I can see myself giving up entirely. Then I move from longing for relationship to being indifferent.

Maybe we can help each other.

EDIT: Weird, I just noticed we're the same age. You always seemed more mature to me, so I just assumed I was younger than you.
 
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Oh that isnt true! Friendship is about sharing experiences, talking, being with eachother, caring and feeling for each other. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are wonderful at doing that. I mean you have shared your exepriences with me, and helped me quite a bit with a few things, truly. I call that a sign of friendship :hug:. I think you are just doubting yourself, and nothing more. Try taking it one step at a time. Start a conversation with a person at checkout at the store, make comments about something to iniate things. You have so much wisdom to share. Share some of it with the world. :)
 
Umm yeah, starting conversations with random people sometimes works out (you gain energy). One time I chatted up a supermarket clerk and we exchanged banter, eventually talking about moquitoes -- I said something like 'the mosquitos must find you tasty' and she blushed and then I felt really good and happy when I left. I later told my girlfriend when we were recalling interesting things that happened to us that day and she said something like 'OMG you were flirting!' and I said 'really? I didnt mean to.. I just said something that I thought would be funny'. I guess now I can see how I was. Huh. It was weird because I wasnt really myself, I was just having a really good week.

I've heard that it is often INJ's who choose to read in public places. I suppose this would theoretically work well for establishing interesting conversations. I havent tried it as I prefer to read very much out of sight and take in the tranquility of wherever I am while observing what is going on -- but i've been to parks enough times to see some nice looking women reading books and fretting about whether i'll be able to sustain conversation if I get the urge to talk to one. You could always try that as well.

If I was a really talkative guy, I would be thinking 'man she's kinda cute, and probably smart -- I should go chat her up and see what she's reading because the title looks interesting', you know and then say something like 'hey, whatcha reading? Ive read a book of that genre called ***, it was interesting because it had a good *** and if you like that book you should also read *** -- so anyways *randomextravertstuff*'. Well you never know.
 
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If you are lonely or isolated for too long then you will naturally feel like you can't have or hold relationships, like there is something that is keeping you from doing this. It is not true; you need to learn to face the fear. Are you afraid of rejection? To the point that it is keeping you from trying to meet new people?

I spent an entire summer without talking to anyone outside of my immediate family. I though I was schizoid or something, but I later found out that it was actually fear of people.

A large part of the problem is being in a situation where you can meet and interact with people, so I encourage you to seek out such opportunities. That was a large part of the problem for me.
 
For me I just went to one function regularly and made friends. Through those friends I made a whole bunch of other friends and aquaintences. It is fun times.
 
There is only one person in the world i call friend...I have tried like you say cultivating friends on a local moms site, but that blew up in my face they all used me and tossed me aside like a used tissue...I know where you are coming from and wish I had more advice to give ya...For now I will stick with the comfortable friendship i have.
 
For me, it had to get to a breaking point. That point in which you think you cannot possibly feel anymore pain. Then you do, exponentially. Then all of a sudden, the pain breaks you, and you're free. Then you really don't care, and in the process, people want to be your friend.

Kind of an odd principle I have noticed. When you want something really badly, it won't come. The minute you are happy with yourself in general, it happens. You can't force it though.

(man , I wish I could stop caring about romantic relationships. heh.)

But yeah, I'm pretty sure I know what you're feeling. Sometimes it's just a rut your have to break through. I'm just coming off a good 9 month rut now.
 
Thanks all for responding. I was having a really rough night and my loneliness kind of snuck up on me. I agree with all of you about going to different events and activities to meet people. I kind of do that already. Honestly, if you met me in real life you would think I'm an extrovert. I am friendly and lively on a superficial level. I want to connect with people spiritually and emotionally... But I can't seem to get past my fear of being vulnerable. Even when other people make themselves vulnerable to me, which they do, ALL the time.

KingOfSpades said:
Don't take anyone's abuse, but sometimes in our quest for perfection we overlook very decent people with whom we can be friends.
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I think that's a huge part of it. I have friends that see certain sides of myself, but never the full extent, I'm never 100% open and vulnerable. But that's always been an ongoing issue with me, even with my family.

Milon said:
Are you maybe disillusioned as a result of a poor relationship(s)? There was a reason you stopped going after relationships.
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Yes, to all of the above. There was a traumatic incident 6 or 7 years ago. It was my first love, and I chose to be with him though my family and friends did not approve. I was basically given an ultimatum by my parents, and I chose him. Long story short, after a year he cheated on me, I was devastated. I left my "new family and friends" (his family and friends) and returned to my original life...unfortunately, no one was waiting for me but my parents.

Milon said:
EDIT: Weird, I just noticed we're the same age. You always seemed more mature to me, so I just assumed I was younger than you.
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I've been getting a lot of that lately, on here and in real life. Silently Honest just mentioned something similar a few days ago.

IndigoSensor said:
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are wonderful at doing that. I mean you have shared your exepriences with me, and helped me quite a bit with a few things, truly. I call that a sign of friendship.
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Thank you so much, Indigo. It means a lot. I feel like you're probably the closest I've come to connecting with in the way I wanted.
 
I can completely relate to your thread starter - but I constantly feel trapped by the people I know who like me.

In some part I think I can't give up on friendship; but in part I also would be glad to become a complete recluse.

Black Swan: at least in this forum, you have a group who can relate to what you say, even if you don't draw out friends.

Sorry, I want to correct myself - in this forum you have a group who can relate to what you say and care about it.
 
Flavus Aquila said:
In some part I think I can't give up on friendship; but in part I also would be glad to become a complete recluse.
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Know what I just realized? I'm frustrated. I want making friends to be easy. I want to trust them, I want them to trust me. It want it to be simple, I want understanding, I want it now. If not, screw it, I'm done.

That attitude was lurking under the surface. If something doesn't come easily or gets off to a bad start, I want to jettison the whole thing. Do that enough, and I want to drop the whole friendship deal.

But I don't want that. I've got some amazing friends, though I rarely see them. Such is life. :( But I have other, more "regular" friendships. I've been working on them lately. Two or three in particular. And we're developing trust. We're opening up. It might be worth it afterall. Keep hope alive, guys. Don't give up because it's hard; try harder because it's hard.
 
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