Please change for me!
- Thread starter brownegg
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I would not fix the relationship. Actually, I would probably limit my contact with the person. Less involvement, which would lead to more sanity. I would probably be a little more reserved or self conscious, less open or talkative (I used to talk a lot :-D) I would expect them to act more outgoing since that was the usual response when I was reserved. But in this new scenario, I would avoid feeling obligated to be as extroverted or as outgoing.
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For all relationships I would hope then when we talked, we would actually listen. Changing people, now that' a conundrum. People resist change and everyone screams don't change me. However, the reality is that there is no connection without change. If people don't succeed in changing you even a slight bit having known them then you never knew them.
My mom... would listen... without talking, without needing to dull out with substances, without judging, without trying to change me into someone she can relate to, without plotting what she can take from me, without taking offense to the truth. Just be present, listen, and be open. If you want to know me, I need to know you're not making a mental grocery list. You can't force information out of me, and stop gossiping... keep my secrets. Also, you have hurt me very much... please give me my space & my time to reconnect with you. Yeah... basically that, I guess.
Changing people, how creepy.
Relationships are dynamic objects in and of themselves. Taking control of them is, in my opinion, polluting the reality of a connection between two people that could grow naturally without manual intervention. Of course some people believe relationships stagnate unless you keep steering them to your liking - I am of the opinion that if the relationship stagnates, then so be it. I shall find a new partner and continue doing so until I can find one whom I can get along with without constant maintenance checks.
Technically, we can all "fix" relationships to a certain degree, but I guess your question is asking, "What if you could control both the parties involved in a relationship?" in which case, I think the essence of what makes relationships important for myself is lost anyway and thus, it would feel empty and meaningless.
PS. I'm open to the suggestion that I may not have understood the question in the OP.
Relationships are dynamic objects in and of themselves. Taking control of them is, in my opinion, polluting the reality of a connection between two people that could grow naturally without manual intervention. Of course some people believe relationships stagnate unless you keep steering them to your liking - I am of the opinion that if the relationship stagnates, then so be it. I shall find a new partner and continue doing so until I can find one whom I can get along with without constant maintenance checks.
Technically, we can all "fix" relationships to a certain degree, but I guess your question is asking, "What if you could control both the parties involved in a relationship?" in which case, I think the essence of what makes relationships important for myself is lost anyway and thus, it would feel empty and meaningless.
PS. I'm open to the suggestion that I may not have understood the question in the OP.
I agree that manipulating people is abhorrent. However, I think if we don't change through our interactions with others then something is also wrong. We aren't perfect and it's through observation we see our flaws and work on our compassion for each other. Personally, I now have a red flag for people who insist on not being changed. There is a middle ground and either extreme is unhealthy.
I wouldn't mind changing things - but from my end only - that is, I would love to be able to adjust my own settings with a flick of a switch.
[MENTION=3538]Arsal[/MENTION]
this post was, for me, a thought.
I wonder what it would be like if my father didn't feel the need to dominate so many situations. His gestures are so often indicative of his opinion that he is superior to me and other members of my family, especially my mother.
I don't know if there is a solution. I just feel frustrated in my interactions with him. In an ideal world he would be more self aware and realize that his selfish and degrading behavior is disrespectful.
I don't know what tools I would use if I were trying to fix this relationship.
Just a reccuring thought. I've kind of given up.
I know I have blind spots, too, though. It's hard when it's so personal, difficult to be objective.
this post was, for me, a thought.
I wonder what it would be like if my father didn't feel the need to dominate so many situations. His gestures are so often indicative of his opinion that he is superior to me and other members of my family, especially my mother.
I don't know if there is a solution. I just feel frustrated in my interactions with him. In an ideal world he would be more self aware and realize that his selfish and degrading behavior is disrespectful.
I don't know what tools I would use if I were trying to fix this relationship.
Just a reccuring thought. I've kind of given up.
I know I have blind spots, too, though. It's hard when it's so personal, difficult to be objective.
Abuse. Be assured he is very aware of what he's doing and it can be very damaging to you and the rest of your family. I bet he rarely behaves that way in public and everyone thinks he's a wonderful person. You have a right to your own identity and to be treated as an equal even in your family.
Oh and you can't fix him.
Can relate. I would've rather not been raised in a home where one parent dominated or had more control in some sense. More equality and sensitivity would've been nice.
I would act like a nazi, and they would do as they were told, and I would be utterly miserable about it... I am glad I dont have this power.
Secret soft center revealed...you INFJs are just adorable sometimes
[MENTION=4434]brownegg[/MENTION]
I think sometimes it helps when people acknowledge that stuff isn't okay and you aren't crazy. It isn't right for someone to try and control a situation or others (dominate) and you should work at realizing you are entitled to feel the way you want to feel (you aren't crazy).
Indeed, and in the process, enslaving yourself to forever monitoring and controlling and taking all responsibility. For gods sake, sometimes I just want to autopilot and let someone else take the wheel.
The OP later clarified that this was really about a domineering father. I think in this case the OP is looking to escape mental slavery.
I'm grateful that people are the way they are. As people we often tend to see the quirks of others as "problems." But, I've learned that every problem is really just an opportunity in disguise. My step-dad, for example, gets angry extremely easily. I see his anger as a chance to practice my diplomacy skills, courageously declare my boundaries, and to encourage him to grow. If he wanted to improve, he could see his anger as a chance to explore his own fears of being controlled, and grow into a happier person.
So, I wouldn't change anybody. I'm grateful for all the opportunities that are naturally presented to me everyday. It's a wonderful thing.
So, I wouldn't change anybody. I'm grateful for all the opportunities that are naturally presented to me everyday. It's a wonderful thing.
