Playing the victim

[chiefthndrfck]

I have in the last year matured to a point that I have started to understand how strongly I wanted to blame those around me for situations (relationships) that went bad (or were actually bad right out of the gate).

After sitting with my ex in a therapy session for his issue, the therapist turned to me and told me that I was REACTIVE and what an unhealthy way it was it was to live.

That I was as responsible for the relationship and outcome as my (then) husband.

SHOCKED when he said it, I have come to understand that I am an adult woman who has made the choices to participate in the situations I have involved myself in.

I cant help but notice thread after thread after thread I read in here how many INFJ's victimize themselves. I am shocked at the lack of personal accountablity.

I had been recently looking into this aspect of the INFJ and find, the unhealthy INFJ indeed sees themselves as a victim vs accountable.

I now see I am not a victim of anything other than of my own personal choices.

I am intereseted in how other INFJ's view victimization and blame.

 

[arbygil]

Personally? I can't stand being in that position and I can't stand playing the victim/being the victim. I believe in standing on my own two feet, and if I get myself into a situation I know it was my fault alone; I blame no one for it.

I don't know if "playing the victim" is really an INFJ trait or not. I think we're less martyrs and more Joan of Arcs (if that makes sense). But to be honest, anyone can play the victim game. Type has very little to do with it because if you're unhealthy, you'll do things you shouldn't.

 

[sookie]

I think that I am at a place in my life where I am more empowered. I recognize that my situations are a result of my choices. No matter what situation we are in there usually are choices. I say usually because when I was a child I lived with my alcoholic father who was awful. I did not have the courage to run away. I dont necessarily think that was a good choice. In this situation it is hard to not think of myself as a victim. When I was an adult I got a restaining order and was a victim no more. Now I choose.

 

[yumiii]

I actually tend to do that sometimes, but as you've realized, there are usually choices in everything and I take that into mind. In every situation, there are choices, and whatever happened thereafter is usually due to what you chose. Blaming others for it is just a waste of time because no one can actually make you do anything in some way if you don't want to do it.
It's all a matter of choices and perspectives, really. At least that's what I think and bear in mind. If it's my fault, it's my fault. I have no problem admitting it and apologizing to people with whom I need to apologize.

 

[Ria]

Yes indeed I have found myself in a victim role many times in my life.

I have since in the last few months, realized that the only person I can control and am responsible for, is myself. I am in a relationship with an addict who is currently trying to be in recovery, so I am learning to be in a relationship where I am doing detatched love, rather than intermeshed love. It was very common for me to behave reactively, when I felt hurt and wronged. My reactions were at my partners reactions towards mine, when he would deflect and be defensive, rather than listen and take personal responsibility for his own actions, leaving me to verbalize and manage the situation, usually while he mentally and emotionally walked away. This left me feeling like I was banging my head against a brick wall, and parenting a rebelious teenage boy. He still struggles with this dynamic, and we have had some really hard days, as of late. Communication is so difficult, when one person stops trying, but I am "managing keeping my side of the road clean"...

Co-dependancy is a tricky thing in accordance to love. It's hard to let go of someone who you love, trying to ignore past thoughts of hope and faith that someone will change, and helping them so much so to change, that you end up, giving yrself away, then feeling angry with the other party. Yes, I have done this lots. I think it's very typical of INFJ's...

This new way of being is kinda difficult, but I am actually feeling a sense of peace somewhere in it all, by practicing detatchment in love. It's a relief to be able to tell myself that I haven't failed, if the relationship fails. And that I am not a quitter, is just another way of saying that I am practicing the art of insanity. Yes, very releiving, and def. worth the time.

I do still find myself experiencing my feelings and emotions, and it's tough when they r extremely powerful, and frequent in their shifts. I feel like I have a lot on my plate, but I am strong, and I believe in myself, and in the fact that I have such love for my daughters, that I will succeed in life, if anything, for their sake. I do slip back sometimes tho, but I catch myself at some point. Self talk helps, and having an awsome sponser for my families of addicts support group to call whenever I need to reach out and talk, has been more heartfelt than words can express... infact, it's very emotionally moving for me, so I don't have to remain feeling alone, and victimized.

Good thread topic!

 

[Morgain]

This new way of being is kinda difficult, but I am actually feeling a sense of peace somewhere in it all, by practicing detatchment in love. It's a relief to be able to tell myself that I haven't failed, if the relationship fails. And that I am not a quitter, is just another way of saying that I am practicing the art of insanity. Yes, very releiving, and def. worth the time.

I can totaly relate. It is a tin line to walk when you try to take responsibility for your actions and your actions alone. Very often I slip into either the victim role or the guilty role. But you can and have to be responsible for your actions/feelings alone. And in fact you can't expect anything from anyone. That is something I'm learning at the moment. In the past when I loved someone I expected love in return or when someone loved me I felt obligated to love them back or turn them down completely, like I was responsible for there feelings for me. But I'm starting to learn that what I do, who I love, what I feel, who I am, is mine alone. There is no one to blame, no one to interfere or judge. And with that comes a lot of freedom! It is mine, my life, my feelings, my actions, my responsibility, my own, my preciousssss :becky:

 

[chiefthndrfck]

I very much agree with how difficult it is to pull yourself out of the reactive mode. It is taking the reigns on 'the wild horses'. And I also agree upon the inner peace it brings to me in knowing that I am fully in control and accountable for me.
I have never felt so free.

Sometimes it pays to step back and listen to those around you. I know many people not willing, they are too defensive. Though if you can move past defensive (which took me many years to get to that point, because I truly believed in the good in myself) you can move into a position of self realization and growth. I had to understand my actions were manipulative, no matter how good my intentions. Manipulating an emotional situation did not bring genuine feelings into play. It brought a sort of false sense of reality that very easily shattered against my idealized 'love'. This brought me to the conclusion I was a victim when it failed.

Now, any relationship I am involved in (from my best friend to an intimate relationship) is based on reality. The players all on the same level ground. All involved, all accountable.

It is amazing the perspective I have gained when looking back at all the relationships I had been 'victimized' in. I have made peace with and forgiven them, sadly realizing my part in the loss.

 

[Gaze]

So, yeah, it isn't good to see ourselves as victims. No doubt. But we can't lump everyone and everyone's situation into the same category. As an example, no one has the right to tell anyone they aren't a victim, but the person who is a victim has the opportunity to learn how not to think as one.

Some are victims because they choose to be. Others are victims because of a situation or circumstance not of their control. Someone who has been emotionally abused is not responsible for the abuse, but they may feel powerless as individuals, and may even feel they deserve the abuse. What they may later come to understand is that they don't need to see themselves the way the abuser does, and can fight to reestablish a sense of self outside of what the abuser thinks, empowering themselves in the long term.

 

[Julia]

I think the issue can go too far in both directions. A person does have control over their response to a situation, but there is such a thing as victimization. I think embracing that as an identity destroys a person, but there are circumstances where one person possesses more power than another and abuses that power.

A person can be victimized without becoming a victim. That distinction is important. Embracing both or negating both can result in a lack of compassion.

 

[Gaze]

I think the issue can go too far in both directions. A person does have control over their response to a situation, but there is such a thing as victimization. I think embracing that as an identity destroys a person, but there are circumstances where one person possesses more power than another and abuses that power.

A person can be victimized without becoming a victim. That distinction is important. Embracing both or negating both can result in a lack of compassion.

Exactly.

 

[chiefthndrfck]

I am happy to see this thread reopened.

My comment....as this is something I ponder myself.
Where is the line you cross from being a victim to allowing victimization?
I have a very cloudy idea of that line when emotion is involved.

 

[gloomy-optimist]

I learned very early on not to blame others. It was a hard lesson learned.

Even now, though, I find that when I get depressed or feel lonely, I sometimes victimize myself and blame others for not being what I wish they would be. However, I know that most things you just can't blame others for or expect from them, and sometimes it's not even anyone's fault at all.

It's hard. But in many ways, once you've come to terms with it, it is empowering, even freeing. If you can't victimize yourself, it becomes much harder to hold yourself back.

 

[dvslil1]

As a child I frequently found myself in the role of victim, first through circumstance then by choice. It became a habit and a comfortable way to shirk responsibility for my own feelings. Unfortunately this led on to yet more victimization at the hands of others who learned they could pull my strings by illiciting the victim response. Then I ended up both being and playing the victim, not knowing which was which and becoming thouroughly traumatised as a result.
As an adult I see where the boundaries of personal accountability lie, and I have had to make some pretty savage choices in pursuit of living by my strengths and not my weaknesses. I accept responsibility for how I choose to react, but now I can tell when others are being unreasonable to the point of abuse, for a while there I couldn't.

 

[chiefthndrfck]

I understand what you are saying about being victimized as a child.
I think it has muddled my view as to what is healthy.

When do you stay, as in:dedicated
vs
Leaving, as to not become a victim

I have a terrible time seeing that line.