People leave INFJs

[Honey]

IME, when someone claims nobody sticks around because they don't get the intensity / emotionalism / hard to understand nature / depth / etc

...it usually just means they're a self-absorbed, annoying mother fucker with poor social skills.

I think it is true that sometimes the problem is social skills problems, self pity, self absorption and so forth but very frequently it is not.

Many people do have trouble understanding INFJs and often have not met anyone else like them before and people are often wary of people/things which they do not understand. Then the things like having insight, committment to personal development on so on that INFJs value is often just not what most people want in a friend.

Most people just seem to want someone who will tell them that they are fantastic, everything is going to be alright even though they have been repetitively doing the same nonsensical crap for the last ten years, someone who seems successful or someone that they can easily use or even someone who entertains them and take their minds of real life problems.

The people who I know that have a lot of friends are often just not very nice people when you get to know them but they know how to play the friendship game well which is a game most INXX are really not that good at.

 

[ThisIsWhoIAm]

Many people do have trouble understanding INFJs and often have not met anyone else like them before and people are often wary of people/things which they do not understand. Then the things like having insight, committment to personal development on so on that INFJs value is often just not what most people want in a friend.

Wise words. I find this to be very true. The trick is finding the right people for you to be close friends with.

 

[Vict]

People come to INFJs.

 

[Lunarinth]

People come to INFJs.

Based on experience, yes. People come to you folks for a live emotional punching bag and a shoulder to lean-on just like damsels in distress looking for their white-knights. INFJs are like tissue papers, I should say– people use and abuse them and when the paper is all soaked wet with tears they just dump them in the trashcan. People never really learn though, they just let go of their friends without realizing what's beneath them. Friends really do come and go, those who stay are the ones that matter the most.

 

[Honey]

Based on experience, yes. People come to you folks for a live emotional punching bag and a shoulder to lean-on just like damsels in distress looking for their white-knights. INFJs are like tissue papers, I should say– people use and abuse them and when the paper is all soaked wet with tears they just dump them in the trashcan. People never really learn though, they just let go of their friends without realizing what's beneath them. Friends really do come and go, those who stay are the ones that matter the most.

To be honest, I think what you describe above is for the most part more the INFP experience than the INFJ one.

INFJs tend to be very alert to people using them.

 

[James]

Hate to say this but some infj self pity ? C'mon we're better than that. Sometimes people let you down, but usually they do.their best. Infjs can be hard work, if we don't try to bridge the gaps. It's difficult for people to work us out unless we help them and interact.

I know that's not easy for us, but whenever people need us we do it without blinking.

Infjs need some alone time to recharge. Afterwards we are often the glue in group dynamics. We mediate and resolve issues. We lead or help others lead, but only by consensus, not force.

We will often feel like outsiders due to our strange gifts. But we can join in. Others need us to. It matters.

 

[Lunarinth]

To be honest, I think what you describe above is for the most part more the INFP experience than the INFJ one.

INFJs tend to be very alert to people using them.

It's funny to think that a single letter defines the whole trait of a type. Maybe that alertness comes from our 'Ni'?

 

[jupiterswoon]

From my experience, my friends used to just want me around when they were down on their luck and wanted someone to analyze their problems. Nowadays, I've been integrating my weaker functions more- and instead of relying solely on Ni&Fe which can be draining with the Fe, and mentally taxing (Ni) for my non-Ni friends, I have been trying to just have fun and relax and be in the moment- Se. I've also been trying to integrate more Ti, so that I'm not just feeling everything with everybody. I have friends I can talk to every day now, but they are also friends who have a more similar personality type to mine- my best friend is an ENFP. We text all the time, and we both have mutual dislike for the telephone.

That being said, it can be lonely being misunderstood by peers with different personality types, but I guess I've just stopped giving a fuck. Now, I can appreciate who my real friends are, the people who really understand me. I think part of it is just growing up.

I do have a hard time when in social interactions where I know it's not going to be deep and meaningful, but I guess I just have to get over myself at some point and realize, "Oh, people don't want to constantly have crazy realizations that completely shatter their view of how to live and what the meaning of life is,... Oh well." I save my realizations and my ideas for people who I can actually relate to, and who actually care.

 

[VeraGiulia]

I think this is correct. Mostly it was like " they don´t understand me and I don´t understand that they don´t understand" )

 

[housel]

People don't leave me, most of the times, it's me who leaves..
My heart and mind act like one strong fortress and gates are closed. I can have a friend over the wall but that is it.
Once I forgot to close my gates and people knocked down my fortress.
It took me a while to rebuild and now it's stronger than ever and reserverved for certain people only, especially the lower part where the heart is..

 

[grt$5vb]

Just because it's hard doesn't mean it's impossible, unhealthy, or that it shouldn't be done.

It can be done, it is very possible, and I think if one wants it to happen, one should endeavor towards it.

I always leave people and start from scratch... and then I leave some more people, because relationships are hard and messy and people have cards they're not showing you and THAT's scary because I can't plan and feel safe and steady. It's me. I'm the common denominator, I'm the only person I can control and I need to get over myself and strive to get over the hurdles and get along. I have to push myself and at least try to remain attached to a few people because life was not meant to be experienced solo. There is beauty in the hard parts; in learning to appreciate your fellow beings.

 

[Trifoilum]

I always leave people and start from scratch... and then I leave some more people, because relationships are hard and messy and people have cards they're not showing you and THAT's scary because I can't plan and feel safe and steady. It's me. I'm the common denominator, I'm the only person I can control and I need to get over myself and strive to get over the hurdles and get along. I have to push myself and at least try to remain attached to a few people because life was not meant to be experienced solo. There is beauty in the hard parts; in learning to appreciate your fellow beings.

*hugs*
I wish I can comment coherently right now; simply put, there were truth in your words; facets of truth.

Know that learning how to end a relationship that doesn't work is just as important as beginning and keeping one.
And being alone is equally beautiful and important to being with people.
There is beauty in everything.

 

[acd]

To be honest, I think what you describe above is for the most part more the INFP experience than the INFJ one.

INFJs tend to be very alert to people using them.

What are you basing that on?

 

[Trifoilum]

What are you basing that on?

I actually can see both sides happening for INFJs and INFPs for entirely different reasons.
One is tired of being trampled. Others are tired of being used.

“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”
― George Carlin

 

[SealHammer]

Based on experience, yes. People come to you folks for a live emotional punching bag and a shoulder to lean-on just like damsels in distress looking for their white-knights. INFJs are like tissue papers, I should say— people use and abuse them and when the paper is all soaked wet with tears they just dump them in the trashcan. People never really learn though, they just let go of their friends without realizing what's beneath them. Friends really do come and go, those who stay are the ones that matter the most.

Sounds more like a pushover thing than an INFJ thing. I know that as soon as I realize someone is trying to foist all their bad feelings on me (which happens more often than I'm comfortable with, and usually with the same people), I either become a stony-faced terminator or I turn tail as fast as possible.

e: Hell, I could argue that that habit of mine is one of the contributing factors to my tendency to be a loner; I keep people at arm's length so they don't feel tempted to pour their hearts out to me. Because then I'd have to help them. And if I tried to help them, they'd whine about how they don't want to fix their problems, they just want to lean on someone's shoulder and cry about them. Even acknowledging that such is usually the case, it drives me up the wall sometimes.

 

[barbad0s]

Alright, well obviously the solution for your problems with people leaving is for all of you INFJs to start becoming a bunch of assholes, because then you guys won't have to keep people at arms length or hermit your days away for fear of not helping people or of having undeveloped values and thoughts to foist upon the world!

 

[acd]

I actually can see both sides happening for INFJs and INFPs for entirely different reasons.
One is tired of being trampled. Others are tired of being used.

Those are different things?

 

[Trifoilum]

Those are different things?

They may, can, and have overlapped, but those are different.

You can be / feel used without being trampled, and you can be / feel trampled without anyone using you (being ignored is one good way)

 

[SealHammer]

Alright, well obviously the solution for your problems with people leaving is for all of you INFJs to start becoming a bunch of assholes, because then you guys won't have to keep people at arms length or hermit your days away for fear of not helping people or of having undeveloped values and thoughts to foist upon the world!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not as perturbed by social isolation as most INFJs, and I'm not bothered about being distant with people. It just turns out that I'm a solutioner, and a lot of people don't really like solutioners as much as they'd like to say. I'm more upset about not being able to do my thing than I am about being isolated.

 

[Eric86]

I've actually never left anyone, it's always been the other way around.