You forgot to mention the reason that, for some of us, people make us literally sick.
I think I'm a clear misanthrope by now.
People leave INFJs
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You forgot to mention the reason that, for some of us, people make us literally sick.
I think I'm a clear misanthrope by now.
well, you can either be complicated, and lonely...or be nice, and have alot of friends. You choose. And I mean, seriously you chose, because it really depends of you as a person, not your INFJ-ness.
Being a INFJ is just the way you use your cognitive functions, but it does not affect your character, you as a person.
So if you have a good character and you really want and you will make yourself time to create relationships with people, you will not be a "loner" at all.
it all depends of you...there is no INFJ dna in you that stop you from being a sociable person. What is stoping you is yourself, and the decisions you make everyday.
This describes me perfectly. Im way too homebody. I dont have one friend to talk to. Always ignored by the same sex. Really sucks. I get along with some guys so well. Maybe because im so used to my brothers. Girls always hate me. At first we are cool and all of a sudden they get cold.. I also hate dating. I have commitment problems as well. LoL. I think whoever is like whats described in this thread is here for an awesome reason. Follow your heart.
I should remember this (and at the same time, not distracted by it)
Another thing to add; accepting all aspects of our personality doesn't always mean (or lead to) an unrestrained rampage, I think?
Enantiodromia, enantiodromia
This has happened to me too hanging out with fellow "girlfriends"! Wtf is wrong with these bitches? I thought we were all cool!
I'm not sure this is an accurate depiction of the INFJ experience (typically coming from non INFJ's)
INFJ's process information in a different way to most other people; as a result they are also interested in different subject matter to most other people
They like things that their Ni can work with; these explorations of subject matter can appear 'deep' to other people who can't relate to the places the INFJ is going to in their mind
But the INFJ is just letting their brain do what it is wired to do
Also pacing is really important socially. Even comedians will tell you that pacing is really important. But you can only pace at the speed that your mind can pace at. If you are second guessing everything then you are not going to be able to keep up with someone who isn't!
Some comedians like robin williams used cocaine to speed up the pace of their brain activity and as a result the pace of their delivery
I find my brain works a certain way....its good at some things and not so good at other things; i accept this....i have come to terms with that but other people aren't always so accomodating
An example would be that when i am around my mainly extroverted sensor extended family they are all very chatty and the conversation moves along at an incredible pace! In fact it moves so fast that by the time i have thought of what i'm going to say the conversation has moved on and i can't say what i want to say because it would be out of place!
So am i slow?
No...i have lightening fast reflexes. I've won prizes for physical activites and i'll smack a table tennis ball faster than your eye will process
So my brain isn't slow...yet i can't keep up with the chat. This means that besides that group i appear 'slow' or 'unsociable'. One even joked that i was on the autism spectrum!
But its my belief that i process things slowly but deeply....which is often described as being 'reflective'; this is perhaps why INFJ's are often more comfortable writing than speaking because it suits their pace
I got round this problem when i was younger by drinking alcohol. This seemed to shut off the part of my brain that was reflecting and i became much more chatty and fluid in my speech; i was even said by many to be 'funny'...heck i used to have tables of people in stitches of laughter....but the problem with alcohol is that it robs you of your judgment (and health) so i got myself in trouble sometimes and sometimes made a tit of myself after drinking too much...so that was not a sustainable solution to the problem
Smoking too used to help my brain speed...i swear i stopped being as funny when i quit smoking lol. Perhaps the nicotine was stimulating my brain activity
When i eventually sobered up (i'd been drinking a lot and had a number of circles of friends that i mixed with for different reasons) i realised i had absolutely nothing in common with the people i had been partying with all that time
Of course i didn't....i'd been using a variety of drugs to change my personality and to be more extroverted sensor
Despite the amount of socialising i wasn't happy because i wasn't being authentic
Some sort of balance needs to be struck and although at times i've felt close to achieving that i wouldn't say i am where i'd like to be at the moment!
But i just want to make the point that telling INFJ's just to 'liven up' and stop being so 'deep' and 'complex' is not really fair because their brain is wired differently
Unfortunatly in a pseudo-culture that prizes infantalised, facile, souless and meanignless things the INFJ is always going to be on the fringe due to the depth that they like to process things to
Is it the INFJ's fault? No more than its the fault of a fish to swim in water
Nowadays i appreciate extroverted sensors for their social skills...their ability to grease the social wheels. I can sit and enjoy it and i'll throw the odd joke in whilst letting others keep the conversation flowing; but to 'fit in' i have to avoid being myself in so far as discussing things on the level i would like to discuss them at...because to those processing things differently it would appear 'weird'
In social situations the appreciation really only flows in one direction...which is maybe why many INFJ's express themselves through art
INFJ's can be appreciated but perhaps often only from a degree of removal (eg someone enjoys a novel written by an INFJ) which is sad but i think it will be a common thing for as long as we allow our culture to be so fucking stupid lol
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The more going on around me, the slower I am. The problem is I end up thinking about the meaning behind what is going on/being said. I always want to point these things out, but have learned that they don't get it no matter how I word it. So I keep it zipped.
I have found it more perplexing that I felt relief when such relationships ended. Once I got over that, the walking away process was smoother. Yes, I have had intense bouts of loneliness but they were beneficial in that I am ok with 'being with myself' now. That is a term I heard someone say one time and kind of like it btw.
I have found it better to analyse each situation on it's own merits and not feel sorry for myself. I mean, if the relationships were fruitful they would still be present. The other side is awareness of self development. If I have nothing to offer, I can't expect others to stick around. So, I have learned a lot by pushing myself into mastering many social situations which on the whole are meaningless.
Sorry to show my age and I really don't mean to be patronising but I would caution against a top heavy approach to such matters. Relationships can be worse than being with yourself. Even though I am happily married mostly, sometimes I don't like my husband and until recently my now grown up children grieved my very spirit - yes, at points I could have run away and assumed a new identity... and made a success of it. Take things on an individual by individual basis. Those who are meant to stick around do. You get pulled back together. It's just how it is. If consistently you find yourself moaning about being alone and what not - take responsibility and stretch yourself, otherwise you'll make a rubbish partner and an even more rubbish parent.
I will admit I've felt like everyone was dropping out of my life left and right. But it wasn't that I felt they couldn't stay, but more that they grew tired of me as a friend and as a human being. For instance... so many of my close friends have up and abandoned me over something stupid, or for seemingly no reason at all. Which makes me worried about the friends I do have now. I feel it's only a matter of time before they get fed up with me or find someone else who is more important. Some have held onto to me though, for a very long time. Through all of the BS in my life and their life so I know not all hope is lost.
It's just really discouraging when the people you love the most turn your back on you - constantly. Not sure if this is an INFJ exclusive thing, tho.
It's just really discouraging when the people you love the most turn your back on you - constantly. Not sure if this is an INFJ exclusive thing, tho.
This could be either true or not true, if you don't know the answer.
Look at the foundation of every person, no matter how complicated or uncomplicated that person is. Common sense and simple healthy judgement tells us that people can get along with eachother, and that real relationships are possible, when there is trust, vulnerability, but also there is no fear, or at least, there is no the evil and destructive fear.
So there is this myth of loneliness...why do I call it a myth?
because loneliness its a subjective experience, nobody is destined to be lonely, that's not the answer, that's more of a bad judgement, because of fear. So destinity is not against lonely people, nobody is destined to be lonely.
I have lost a lot of friends over the years. It usually comes down to a few things. I or they move away and the distance eventually wins out. I used to get mad about those types of things. I don't anymore. Some people will stick with you through life. Some won't. You don't know who it will be that will lend you a hand. A friend may only be for a moment. And then they are gone. Life is like this in so many ways.
The others can be put into the realm of what I thought or believed was a transgression that was unforgivable. It's not that these people cannot be forgiven. Because many of them have been. There are a few though that are in the hole of no return. For me they have gone so far that I have zero desire to even entertain a meeting about it. Some friendships I feel need to die. In order for a person to be able to go on and develop themselves they need to go and get into contact with other people. It's why bands break up and solo artists become solo artists. People need to go out and grow. If you hang with the same crowd that is all you are. You become stuck there. There are a lot of people to meet out there. So you gotta get looking and meeting folks. I don't mean that you have to look like a dunce about it. But you can meet some interesting folks if you just say hello. If they are down for a conversation they usually will chat with ya. I love it when I meet people that i can relate too and talk to them about the deeper aspects of life. Or even just getting them to realize that they should think of life and dying and God. Not to convert them but to make them think and ponder as I have.
If people are dropping you then you have to realize that they needed to move on. You just gotta get out there and grow. Go meet people. Old people young people all people. Meet some. Get to know some. Figure out what a friend is to you. And what a friend is to them. Being infj is in a way a privilege. A tough one but it seems that the rougher things are on you the better you perform in the end.... Keep yer head up your okay. Ain't nothing wrong with ya. Smile a little let the guards down and glow.....
And they NEVER WILL!! Acceptance of this fact will save valuable time and energy wasted trying to get people to "understand" or "like" us. I am so over the pre-occupation that infjs are not understood or accepted or have no more than one friend, etc, etc
WE gotta be who we are in this world and release all the "oh society does not understand us" song and dance. This however may come as an infj gets older and gets more life experience.
I can tell you from my own experience that as you get older you will change. What you change into is entirely up to you. You will always have your core pet peeves. You will always need your alone time. You will be better at realizing when you need it. I am with you this whole introverts are loners thing is bs. We have been put into that box because we are reserved and think before we act. We can be more lively but it does come at a cost of tapped energy. Although I do like it when I am in my funny moods and I can tap into my humor. I have a pretty good time when I do. It's really all up to us. But I know you already know that lol
No - people leave people, not types. A typecast is not an excuse or crutch. One should figure out why people leave (or seem to be leaving) him or her. Three main possibilities that I see:
1. They're not leaving you - you're exaggerating, being oversensitive, or reading into things.
2. They're leaving you because they don't like you or your current situation - this could be a good thing or a bad thing - are you better off without them or do you not want them around? If so, no worries.
If not, perhaps you should take a look at yourself and your situation and see what is undesirable enough to cause someone to leave. change yourself if needed, or adapt to the new situation and find new people.
3, It's not you, it's them. - People's lives change. People make new friends, and adjust time spend with them. Just because someone spends less time with out doesn't mean they've left you. (May go back to no.1 ) They get busier, they form new relationships, etc. Life is dynamic and fluid - it's naive to expect a constant, steady, or largely unchanging amount of time spend with them.
/my $0.02
1. They're not leaving you - you're exaggerating, being oversensitive, or reading into things.
2. They're leaving you because they don't like you or your current situation - this could be a good thing or a bad thing - are you better off without them or do you not want them around? If so, no worries.
If not, perhaps you should take a look at yourself and your situation and see what is undesirable enough to cause someone to leave. change yourself if needed, or adapt to the new situation and find new people.
3, It's not you, it's them. - People's lives change. People make new friends, and adjust time spend with them. Just because someone spends less time with out doesn't mean they've left you. (May go back to no.1 ) They get busier, they form new relationships, etc. Life is dynamic and fluid - it's naive to expect a constant, steady, or largely unchanging amount of time spend with them.
/my $0.02
[MENTION=884]solongotgon[/MENTION] I know what you're saying,but its really difficult when no one even tries to give you a chance and people from all over, including family, dismisses you like you're worthless and you mean nothing to society.
You're one of a hundred to die in a crash and no one cares that you were even a person because you weren't tied to anyone and you weren't high on the social latter, and no one cared.....you were just another body!
You're one of a hundred to die in a crash and no one cares that you were even a person because you weren't tied to anyone and you weren't high on the social latter, and no one cared.....you were just another body!
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You are chasing the illusion. That illusion is that you need outside approval to exist in this world and that is a false belief. Even if you're family dissapproves or does not understand or somebody random did not give you a chance does not mean that the world is a place with no goodness.
How do you know no one will care? I think shifting the need for outside approval into self approval may help. Yes the world is a harsh place and our fates are pretty much sealed when it comes to families we are born into. But the whole point is to give YOURSELF the very things you are seeking from the outside. As long as you chase whatever you seek from the outside you will never develop the energy of the things you need within yourself. Only when you develop the things you desire within you will attract them into your lives. Like attract like. If you desire love; then develop self love. The same exact energy you give out is what you will attract.
I've kind of come to a mindset over the years that it doesn't matter if people understand me, what matters is if I understand myself. I could die alone and I think I'd be okay with that, so long as I was okay with what was in my head when I died. If I ever find the right guy who loves me for who I am and truly does understand me, awesome, but if I don't find him it's no skin off my back either. If he was meant to find me he will. Or I will find him. Same goes with friends. I don't really expect friends to understand me anymore, I kind of give up on that aspect, so long as we enjoy one another's company and they don't drive me nuts I think we'll be okay. Will I want them to secretly understand me? Absolutely. But did I still have a good time and am I growing being friends with this person in one way or another? If yes, they're a friend. If no, I drop them. Though admittedly I usually have a lot of acquaintances and have a hard time really considering someone a friend. When I do truly care about someone I'll invest 110% of my energy to make sure we are communicating well. I always tend to beat myself up if I'm complaining we aren't communicating, because in my mind then I'm at fault for not taking the initiative to figure out the gap in communication and addressing it.