Parent problems | INFJ Forum

Parent problems

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Nausus, Aug 2, 2009.

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  1. Nausus

    Nausus Community Member

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    I'm not sure really what to write out, but here it goes..


    My relationship with my mother is pretty bad. I don't get along with her, but it's because she constantly mentally abuses me. Maybe abuse is a little strong, but that's what it feels like. I can do something, really push myself for it and feel really quite accomplished, but as soon as I tell my mother, she'll always say I could have done better, or give me this really disappointed look like she wished I was a better child.

    My mother is an ESTJ. She dotes on my older brother, ENTJ, and my little sister who is more likely to be turning out as an ENTJ. I however, am apparently the most worthless child that anyone could have concieved. According to her, I cannot do anything right, and I make mountains out of molehills when I tell her my problems. So, obviously I don't tell her my problems anymore, which then she proceeds to shout at me because I refuse to tell her. If I tell her something that bothers me, she'll belittle my problems and make me feel like i'm making a big deal out of nothing, and it wasn't even worth mentioning. She makes me feel like the most self absorbed person in the world. I know have a complex that i'm just being an attention seeker, and it's only because a member of the forum told me that it would be a good idea for me to write this. If I sound like i'm attention grabbing, I do apologise.

    Anyway, I don't know what to do about her really. I constantly feel like i'm good at nothing and worthless, and I can never make her proud of me. When I won the martial arts competition in london with 2 gold medals last year and then a trophy from my dojo she gave the most mechanical "well done" like she was saying it only because she felt she had to. I think i probably have no self esteem because of her, as in her eyes i'm constantly being compared to my siblings. All of my family are ETJs so i'm really the black sheep of the entire family. The weird thing is, she never used to do this until she split up with my father. She now forces her boyfriends onto me although I tell her I don't want anything to do with them, and she's even hit me before because i've actually stood up for myself a couple of times and told her that what she was doing to me was wrong.

    Does anyone have any advice on what I could do? Or, know if there's anything that I could do to help her realise how bad she makes me feel?
     
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  2. IndigoSensor

    IndigoSensor Product Obtained
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    I understand how things are for you. My father is an ESTJ, and I do not get along with him well at all, and he doesn't understand me. He said to me last night over the phone "Pietey, I don't know how you sprung from my loins, you are so different then me it is astounding.". ESTJ's and INFJ's have completly different function sets, and as such can't relate to each other at all.

    Judging by yuour age, I think it will be alot easier to stand up for you. The first thing you should do is create distance. Mentally and physically. I did this with my dad in the past, and he did notice and it "woke him up" just enough to get him to think. What I mean is just don't have conversations and don't be around her when you don't have to. Respond with terminal words and sentances. She told you that she was mad for you not telling you her problems. Tell her "why would I tell my problems to someone who will just say they are irrational and baseless, you don't even deserve to hear them".

    The best thing you can do is be honest, and I mean completly honest. If she does something to upset you, tell her it did upset you and why it upset you. It is a real shame that she has hit you. If she does again, simply tell her something like "if you wanted to be close to me, you are just pushing me far far away, I think that is what you want." with ESTJ's you have to be very clear with what you say to them for them to understand. Don't let their arguments and counterpoints get to you. Disarm them by saying that they don't understand you and never well.

    In a nutshell, be honest and open with how she makes you feel, no matter what the recourse.
     
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    #2 IndigoSensor, Aug 2, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2009
  3. rainrise

    rainrise Community Member

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    Nausus, i've bolded some parts of your post because i identify with them in my relationship with my mother who, although isn't an ESTJ, is an ISTJ with a very developed Te.

    i can sense the frustration you must feel and i truly wish i could give some good advice to you but my own relationship with my mother is quite stagnant or polite at best. so i guess the only fit thing for me to do is to tell you that you are most definately not alone in the displacement you feel and that although there doesn't seem to be a way to solve the problem due to the varying takes different types have on life, there is always a way through, if not then a way around the matter.

    when i was younger, my relationship with my mother was very tense and sometimes heated arguments would arise cyclically out of proportion to our initial intentions on being understood by one another. over the years, it has gotten better, mainly because we leave each other alone after cultivating a better idea, over the years, of our differing perspectives on life.

    more importantly, after understanding my mother's MBTI type, it became so much clearer to me why she would react the way she did and why we just couldn't get through to one another the way we had previously communicated.

    i know you are hurt by your mother's actions and i realize that many of the things she did may have appeared to have been purposely done, but if you looked at them through her lens (as an ESTJ), would it be easier to put the situations into a more neutral context of misunderstanding instead of blame?

    as an ISTJ, my mother is very definite about the way things should be done or how things should be and usually has a good store of past experiences to support her decisions or reasoning. she's not emotionally generous with praise and i often feel that my achievements become a mere given in her view of how things should rightfully be or at least in their direction.

    i find that her Te breaks my problems down into decipherable pieces to be solved and done with. otherwise, she'd butcher my emotions with her reasoning and either find them too irrelevant or confusing to be given much thought for a 'realistic' solution. that's one of the reasons i've learned not to reach out to her in a certain way of emotional receptivity.

    however, i'd say that by tweaking the way in which an emotional issue is discussed, she can and does accept it. at odd times when she feels there is a definite need to reach a solution, she'd even go to great lengths to help me. this, i have found rather puzzling.

    all in all, it was said somewhere that true communication is true communion is love. therefore, it is best to test ways in which your ideas can be brought forth in a way that can be best accepted from her perspective. i've tried this and though i've felt like i was the one being misunderstood, it was essential to make this shift. by so doing, i was also able to see her as less of someone to resist and more of someone to accomodate or work together with. thus, the problem became less rigid. it requires a lot of tolerance on your part but it is worth it.

    best of luck :)

    EDIT: okay -_- i said i wouldn't give you advice...then ended up advising you. i'm so inconsistent sorry...
     
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    #3 rainrise, Aug 3, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2009
  4. Belle84

    Belle84 Three

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    Hey there,

    Okay, I just skimmed over your post but I am/have been(?) in a very similar situation as yourself - accept this issue of my (older) brother being favoured over me, my mother never 'noticing' my achievements or taking interest in me when I really REALLY needed support and love (was being bullied at school, not able to settle anywhere) happened about 8/9 years ago.

    So the situation now... we haven't spoken for about 7/8 years, we have been in contact but theres little interest from my end now as I have never really addressed the feelings that were raised all that time ago. I dont feel I even know who she is anymore.

    My advice, is to do the opposite of what happened to me - communicate, before too much damage is done and you hold on to those feelings in a way that causes you to resent her etc in the future. Tell her that what she is doing is hurting you.

    Hope that helps
     
  5. slant

    slant Ruboobie
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    I would strongly discourage using these phrases, they sound insulting and based on assumptions + emotional responses.
     
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  6. alcyone

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    Whew Nausus.

    Isn't there at least one person in everyones family who just doesn't understand you?

    I understand what it feels like to be treated as the unfavored 'extra' child of the family. My sister is my mother's daughter. My brother is the only boy, as well as the baby.

    My mom doesn't seem to know that I look at things from a different viewpoint than she does, and therefore can come to different conclusions about things. Especially when those reasons 'best for the family' decisions were presented as benefits for my sister.

    But I long ago accepted what I couldn't change. At 16, so unhappy with my new mainstream high school and 'peers' I struck a deal with my parents. I graduate early, they sign me over to the military.

    I believe that my mom didn't expect me to follow through, but I was inspired. And once out of her authority, out of her house, and left to my own devices we got closer (or more accepting?). Will never be very close, I'll never call for relationship advice, or tell her of my deepest troubles, but in a very superficial way we have a solid relationship.

    I still know that my mom knows little about ME, but that doesn't bother. Seems that there aren't many who will ever know ME, and I'm okay with that now.
     
  7. Puck

    Puck Perilous Pixie
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    If you can't win this woman's affection/appreciation, then, maybe, stop trying. I think there are things you can enjoy from your situation, like food/clothing/shelter, but if you don't get emotional support, my suggestion would be to stop looking for it from your mother. Some people are just incapable of being what they should be in a relationship. There will be some things she is good at no doubt, but it's little consolation when you need her to be specifically good at caring for you, however there's little point beating yourself up about her lack of ability as a parent. There will be other people in your life - if not now- then you can find them - who will offer the support you need in place of your mother. It's not traditional maybe, but not many people have a perfect family situation. I can say in all honesty that there are books that mothered and fathered me better than my parents, but there are also people in the past and present who have filled in for what they couldn't give me. I think the sooner you give up looking to your mother to be what she can't be, the sooner you can find the support you need elsewhere. Wishing you all the best.
     
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  8. Indie.J

    Indie.J Community Member

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    I don't have any advice for you but I may have a little insight as to why she treats you like this. You said she didn't start treating you like this until she broke up with your father. It could be that you remind her of your father or she is blaming you for something connected with him which isn't necessarily your fault.
    This has happened to a couple of my friends and has also occurred in my family in one way or another.
    I hope I am wrong but if I am right I hope it will enlighten a solution to your problems. The best you can do now though is hold strong within yourself. The way your mum treats you is probably to deal with some tough times and problems of her own that she is running away from and in desperation she is taking them out on you.

    I hope support, love and peace of mind come your way soon. All the best wishes that this problem will one day be resolved and you will be able to live life with the confidence that you deserve.
     
  9. OP
    Nausus

    Nausus Community Member

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    Thank you everyone for your insight.

    I've been theorising for a while, and wondering that the fact i look a lot like my mother, I mean, exactly like my mother that she might hate me because she hates herself or something? I know it sounds like i'm grasping at straws but I just wanted to know people's opinions.

    Yesterday for example, I had spent 4 hours nearly, straight cooking for her forher 40th birthday and making a big buffet for her and her friends. I made her a birthday cake from scratch and that took an hour alone, and she didn't even say thankyou. I was really put out, and disheartened. I just really don't know what I do wrong.
     
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  10. IndigoSensor

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    ESTJ's expect everyone to thank them, but will never under any circumstance reciprocate. If they do it has hollow meaning, forced, or a total random fluke. I know this out of experience.

    Tell her that you felt unappreciated because you didn't even get a single thank you. Even if she gets mad, at least you are being vocal and explaining how you feel (it is good for YOU to do that for you OWN happiness and well being). I don't think you did anything wrong, and if you had done that for me I would have let you know very clearly how apprechative I would be.

    :hug:
     
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    #10 IndigoSensor, Aug 5, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2009
  11. OP
    Nausus

    Nausus Community Member

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    Thanks Indigo, I appreciate that.
     
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  12. Jana

    Jana Searching...

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    I don't know if this will help, but... Well, relationship with parents could be frustrated. But, most of them don't do things to hurt us, they just don't know some other way. Think about that and it'll be easier to communicate with your mother. You can tell her when something hurt you, but don't get in hard arguments. It's no use, belive me. I have a very good ESTJ friend, she is very capable, practical, helpful in practical things, . But, I always have feeling that talking about deeper feelings and emotional states makes her very very uncomfortable. So I realised it's better to dose that kind of conversation. I think it works:) Maybe your mother is same.
    Have a nice day!
     
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  13. daydreamer

    daydreamer Permanent Fixture

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    Same here, except without the little sister. Just do something together that both of you enjoy.
     
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  14. OP
    Nausus

    Nausus Community Member

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    Me and my mother have practically nothing in common, so that's impossible really, but thanks for the thought.

    Pretty much everything I like, my mum will hate and vise verse. She's constantly trying to get me to go out and drink with her or whatever, and I refuse because I prefer to stay indoors and told her this. As expected, she has a go at me for this, too.
     
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  15. Blind Bandit

    Blind Bandit Blind Man Being Lead to Nowhere
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    I agree and as others have said sometimes you must separate your self from people who treat you badly for you own sanity.

    Its hard when your parents don't get you, it really is.


    Me and my father where never close and me and my mom could never make up for. He now wants to be closer to me but I admit I'm still a little angry at him. Me and mom had problems of our own.:m035:

    My best advice is to not let her get to you and do what you have to to keep yourself well. This may me not being close to her. Or not interacting as much.

    It sucks but you can't let others hurt you like that regardless of who they are.
     
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    #15 Blind Bandit, Aug 9, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2009
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