Overdefensiveness, lack of discernment, and regret

[Kwistalline]

I have a problem. I suffer from overdefensiveness on the one extreme, and total lack of discernment on the other. Here's the example.

I've worked at two hospitals during my nursing career, and at both places there has been a janitor that had some weird kind of interest in me. Hospital number one: we'd have a casual conversation, it would feel a little strange, but I had no visible reason to avoid him until he passed behind me, really close, first smelled my hair, touched it, then made a perfectly normal comment about work, and walked away. Creepy! I avoided him after that.

Hospital number two: janitor was really nice one night when I didn't have time to bring lunch and the vending machine broke down-he let me into the doctors lounge (shh! don't tell . . ). After that he would bring me snacks on the tele unit b/c I'm always so busy, and I did used to forget/not have time to eat. Then he started telling me he was new to the area and wanted me to show him the town. Then he asked for my phone number, then he waited an hour until I got off work to talk to me in the parking lot . . . he's called my unit twice to talk to me and even bought me a gift on labor day (which, according to another nurse I work with, I very sweetly rejected) . . .

Because of similar situations and the fact that my two older sisters are married to manipulative controlling men, I have become very defensive. But it's selective. When young, usually decent, guys my own age give me any kind of attention, I attack them! I have a very sharp tongue. If I want to verbally destroy you, I will. It doesn't mean that I feel good about it, I just feel backed into a corner.

I have no idea how to change this behavior! Trying to be less defensive has led to the before mentioned creepy janitor/old guy thing (my next door neighbor chooses random times to ask me out-and his creep-o-meter is extra high!).

Help! INFJ does not like to be mean. I feel bad as it's happening, but I despise being hit on. Every time I try to have a platonic relationship with a male, he gets confused and I hurt him anyway. It's almost better for me to protect him by hurting him from the start.

Any ideas? And yes, I go completely against my intuition (again, I can't seem to help it)

 

[Silently Honest]

Believe it or not, I don't get over defensive, but I do feel extremely uncomfortable when people try to cross into my comfort zone, both physically and emotionally. Eventually however I got over it and even learned to enjoy it a little, I have an idea why you feel this way, why it's so uncomfortable, but I can't seem to put it into words just yet.

 

[Shai Gar]

Hey sexy, How about you and me go catch a show together? I'll bring along some Parasaio, and a nice picnic dinner. I've got a great blanket and some pillows that we can lay out on while we wait for the sun to rise

 

[Quinlan]

http://www.tvguide.com/images/pgimg/scrubs46.jpg

 

[Rosenrot]

I can be quite mean if a guy I am not interested keeps pushing me. I am normally nice until they keep persisting, then I can be quite mean. I did tell off a drunk guy once and my friend had to pull me away.

 

[Kwistalline]

Believe it or not, I don't get over defensive, but I do feel extremely uncomfortable when people try to cross into my comfort zone, both physically and emotionally. Eventually however I got over it and even learned to enjoy it a little, I have an idea why you feel this way, why it's so uncomfortable, but I can't seem to put it into words just yet.

At least it sorta makes sense to you. I'm dealing with "is this ok behavior" vs "it really isn't", and since I'm reacting, I figure it really isn't healthy for me.

Shai, I'm ignoring you . . . (so much easier to do online!)

 

[Shai Gar]

 

[Lurker]

That's exactly what I was seeing in my head Stone


I wrote a long response then saw this bit;

Any ideas? And yes, I go completely against my intuition (again, I can't seem to help it)

Yes, one idea: Don't!!! Seriously, PLEASE trust your intuition. It tells you things even when you can't fully understand or verbalise.

Tis better to misjudge someone and treat them with harshness then ignore your intuition and end up in an unsafe situation. Hurt feelings can be recovered from. Please read this link titled Women, "play nice" and the danger instinct. The thread talks about how women are subtly trained to ignore their instincts when it comes to being impolite to men, the results for some of the women who posted were horrible but they clearly show instinct must be trusted despite being told from a young age to be polite to men.

With that in mind, being over defensive is not a problem, let people earn your trust before you let them in if you would rather not feel like you are being mean. Maybe this is an overgeneralisation but if you're being particularly friendly and accepting of guys who would not normally get that kind of affirmation from women then your statement about not being able to be friends is accurate, keep this in mind and have your guard ready for when you need it.

Idea #2: Stay the HELL away from the janitors!

 

[Silently Honest]

Why is Neil Flynn here anyways.?

 

[Kwistalline]

That is a huge thread! I don't have time for all of it today, but you are right. My problem is that I make small talk with just about anyone. I'm starting to think Janitors should be ignored in general! (half serious here, folks).
Thanks Lurker. You are great for perspective.

 

[frozen_water]

invest in a cubic zirconium ring to wear? It'll stop you from being hit on, but people who legitimately are trying to be friendly won't bat an eye at it. Then if you happen to make good friends with someone else who's unmarried, you'll have a solid basis for a relationship on your own terms as well as theirs...

 

[Inkling]

But then JD won't see you!





:bolt:

 

[Shai Gar]

JD?

Damn good idea Frozen... I ought to buy myself a wedding band.

 

[frozen_water]

haha already thought about it, actually... doesn't quite work the same way.

Wedding ring on girl ---> husband will beat you up if you try to flirt with her. "Creepy old men stay away"
Wedding band on guy ---> air of forbidden adventure compounds attractiveness. "Immature young girls, catch me if you can."

...unless that was your hope...?

 

[Shai Gar]

 

[sumone]

It can be tough going when you're a nice person and aren't afraid to show it. The way people misconstrue the meaning of nice just absolutely baffles me. So many times I've met people and it's like I already know what is going to happen in advance. They are going to notice that I'm 'nice' and they immediately won't trust it so they will begin their series of 'tests' to see if my niceness is genuine and by the time they decide they want to be my new BF I'm sick to death of them and am no longer interested! haha
Some people mistake niceness as some sort of sucker bait.
Some people mistake niceness for stupidity.
And oh it is so not just janitors (sorry to all the janitors out there btw!) who prey lecherously on a so-called nice person. I had one horrifying experience with the CEO of one company I worked for. And I can clearly remember battling with my intuition when he offered to walk me to my car which was in an empty parking lot on a cold and dark night. Was I going to turn down an escort? That would be ridiculous! He's a CEO! I figured my intuition was just plain whacko and dismissed it. Boy did I turn out to be wrong!
But that's the trouble with intuition sometimes. In order to do what it's telling you, you put yourself in a real spot that causes you to look nuts at times.

 

[kylabenson]

I do NOT believe there is any excuse for nastiness whatsoever!
whether it be a Janitor a Bin-man or some filthy rich successful businessman the mere fact that someone has admirable feelings towards you should be flattery of the up most and should be not only perceived as such but acknowledged in such a way,
that's what is know as having class, being able to take the world head on and still maintain that air of grace about you, i find putting out all the right (wrong in their case) signals is all that's needed, body language or actions sure do speak louder than words, did you actually even try, 'i'm very flattered but im not interested in seeing anybody right now or that's really sweet thank you, but i don't think my boyfriend would approve?'
i mean come on most men maybe led by their cocks but ego is something they profusely protect, simple english, is all that is needed, and

Sadly... then we come to what in my opinion is the worst part, of what i have read, which is to scoff at them,
and how this person has now lost his identity thus become labelled simply by his profession, to me almost makes me ashamed to either be an INFJ or of the fairer sex variety, (im still trying to work out which one), non-the-less it is all pretty disgusting to me, i'm sorry to have to be the 1 to break it to your but.. were all equal - deal with it!!

jeeeze!! i thought NF's had more depth than that...

 

[sumone]

I do NOT believe there is any excuse for nastiness whatsoever!
whether it be a Janitor a Bin-man or some filthy rich successful businessman the mere fact that someone has admirable feelings towards you should be flattery of the up most and should be not only perceived as such but acknowledged in such a way,
that's what is know as having class, being able to take the world head on and still maintain that air of grace about you, i find putting out all the right (wrong in their case) signals is all that's needed, body language or actions sure do speak louder than words, did you actually even try, 'i'm very flattered but im not interested in seeing anybody right now or that's really sweet thank you, but i don't think my boyfriend would approve?'
i mean come on most men maybe led by their cocks but ego is something they profusely protect, simple english, is all that is needed, and

Sadly... then we come to what in my opinion is the worst part, of what i have read, which is to scoff at them,
and how this person has now lost his identity thus become labelled simply by his profession, to me almost makes me ashamed to either be an INFJ or of the fairer sex variety, (im still trying to work out which one), non-the-less it is all pretty disgusting to me, i'm sorry to have to be the 1 to break it to your but.. were all equal - deal with it!!

jeeeze!! i thought NF's had more depth than that...

Kyla, I wasn't talking about men who are simply asking you out on a date or even flirting. These guys trample all over your boundaries grabbing your hair and pressing their face into it (that one happened to me too) or pinning you to your car - abnormal behaviour. What do they see in certain women that makes them think they are fair game?

 

[Lurker]

I do NOT believe there is any excuse for nastiness whatsoever!

Assault, abuse, rape...

There are genuine and serious reasons for being blunt or nasty.

Like Sumone said it's not about being rude to someone for no reason, it's about trusting your intuition when it says something about this person isn't right. Women are told to go against this intuition if it means being nasty to a man. Sometimes there are no consequence besides feeling uncomfortable, sometimes they end up in the paper the next day as victims.

"Gabrielle Union was 19 when she was raped at gunpoint while she was trying to close up the mall store she worked at - and now she just wishes she had run when her gut told her to. She says, "When the man who raped me came into the store, my heart said run, but I was raised to be polite and not make others uncomfortable. Women are constantly second-guessing our instincts but you know your body, and your body is telling you something is wrong... We are given instincts for a reason." source

whether it be a Janitor a Bin-man or some filthy rich successful businessman the mere fact that someone has admirable feelings towards you should be flattery of the up most and should be not only perceived as such but acknowledged in such a way, that's what is know as having class, being able to take the world head on and still maintain that air of grace about you, i find putting out all the right (wrong in their case) signals is all that's needed, body language or actions sure do speak louder than words, did you actually even try, 'i'm very flattered but im not interested in seeing anybody right now or that's really sweet thank you, but i don't think my boyfriend would approve?' i mean come on most men maybe led by their cocks but ego is something they profusely protect, simple english, is all that is needed, and

Sadly... then we come to what in my opinion is the worst part, of what i have read, which is to scoff at them, and how this person has now lost his identity thus become labelled simply by his profession, to me almost makes me ashamed to either be an INFJ or of the fairer sex variety, (im still trying to work out which one), non-the-less it is all pretty disgusting to me, i'm sorry to have to be the 1 to break it to your but.. were all equal - deal with it!!

Why should women be flattered if someone makes advances towards them if they are not interested or feel uncomfortable? Why should they outwardly pretend to be flattered, is some guys ego so important that women should have to make an excuse as to why there advances are unwanted?

Once again I stress, I am not talking about your average guy that shows interest but a man who you feel uncomfortable around even if you are unsure why. Their intentions are not known, intuition should not be ignored. It's not about inequality or scoffing someone's profession.

Frankly someone’s job is completely irrelevant and I think you’ve missed the sarcasm in the posts about janitors, I doubt anyone who’s posted here has any preconceived prejudices against someone’s job.

 

[Kwistalline]

invest in a cubic zirconium ring to wear? It'll stop you from being hit on, but people who legitimately are trying to be friendly won't bat an eye at it. Then if you happen to make good friends with someone else who's unmarried, you'll have a solid basis for a relationship on your own terms as well as theirs...

What's funny is that I wear a purity ring. I only specify what it is for those who ask if I'm married (I'm not gonna lie). If they don't ask, or make an assumption, I'm certainly not going out of my way to correct them-especially if their creep-o-meter is beeping steady!

Inlking, who is JD? Johnny Depp? Our next door neighbor growing up??!? You done confoozed me again!