Oneness?

Xander

Xander

Community Member
MBTI
INTP
At one point my father was advising me on what to do with the wife (ESTP) when she gets melancholic and seems generally upset but at nothing in particular. He said that she wasn't feeling right, her inner INFJ had lost it's sense of "oneness".. and then failed for like 2 hours to ever pin down what this "oneness" actually was.

So I figured you guys may be able to help here.

I'm trying to figure this out so that I can be more helpful as at the moment when her shadow engages I can't read her (typical INFJ emotions at the bottom of a glacier type effect) and I consistently fail to be of use without some kind of parameter. Everything I have tried so far to motivate her out of these troughs fails and I can't think of anything new to try.

So please, if you know this "oneness" this point where you feel most contented/ happy is definable or most usefully you know what boxes need to be ticked for it to happen then let me know. I'm interested in general about how INFJs tick but in specific it's what you might envisage a poorly developed INFJ would do/ feel.

Thanks in advance.
 
I'm not exactly sure what you mean here Xini dear. When you say she gets melancholic.. do you mean that she shuts down and generally just needs to be alone for a bit, or even sleeps a lot? I wish that I knew more about MBTI and the shadow in order to help you better.

As an INFJ, I often go through phases of shutting down. It can come out of nowhere but often I feel it coming on, and honestly there isn't anything I have found to be able to do about it. It is a period where I need to recharge and as silly as it may sound.. rest my soul. It often happens now that I think about when I have been under an extreme amount of stress, or when I have been engaged in a lot of interaction with others, especially physically, like being around a lot of people everyday for extended periods of time, with little time during that alone to regroup and recharge. As an I, and particularly an INFJ it is extremely important to have some time to settle, so to speak. And we do this, or I do this at least, by sleeping... staring off into space, writing, reading, just sitting and thinking mostly.

Gosh, I feel so inadequate in helping you with this.. Because I'm not even sure if I'm touching the right bases.. There is a thread about some of us going through this phase here. http://forum.infjs.com/showthread.php?t=6603 And I also hope that Von see's this thread, since I consider him our resident expert on all thing's MBTI, especially INFJ's... perhaps he knows more about the shadow phases... I'm going to look up some more, and if you have any more in particular questions then feel free to ask me okay..

I would say as far as you're concerned about your wife... well, it's nice to know that you're cared about and loved through these phases. And, the most you can do is make her feel comfortable. Maybe make her a nice CD of her favorite kind of music. I can not tell you what music does in the help of soothing my soul. If she lets you, just hold her. Just hold her. Be with her, but don't feel the need to talk. Just show her your love by showing her you're near if she needs you, I know that that will mean a lot to her. You're on the right track in the fact that you're trying to understand. That means so much. Good luck sweet friend.
 
dneecey said:
If she lets you, just hold her. Just hold her. Be with her, but don't feel the need to talk. Just show her your love by showing her you're near if she needs you, I know that that will mean a lot to her. You're on the right track in the fact that you're trying to understand. That means so much. Good luck sweet friend.
Click to expand...

+1
 
Try not to problem-solve.
What she needs is probably not a solution.

:rain:
 
dneecy is on the right track I think. Give her emotional support. Let her know you are there. She may not respond, but this is the right way to go about it. If you really need to, draw her out.....slowly. Kindness will comfort her the most--not analysing the problem. Not talking incessantly. Not pretending you know what she feels (we know when you are BS-ing us). Just be honest and caring, that's what she wants.
 
Tulip said:
Try not to problem-solve.
What she needs is probably not a solution.

:rain:
Click to expand...
+1

I may have not understood INFJs, but at least I understood that much: it seems the best you can get to full understanding is to let go of it, about them. Probably because it is so complex inside of them that even they couldn't completely understand it themselves. That doesn't mean to completely stop trying, just don't expect final closure anytime soon. Take them on a journey or do something new together seems always better than attempts to solve their inner mystery. The "oneness" here, in practical sense, is the need to reflect the world. For me is enough to reflect their reflection back, even subconsciously, which seems to help them sometimes.
 
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I think this is what your father meant by her "oneness" being disturbed...

From Naomi Quenk - Beside Ourselves/Was That Really Me?

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Here's what she needs to get back to normal...

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http://www.amazon.com/dp/0891061703/?tag=infjs-20
 
dneecey said:
If she lets you, just hold her. Just hold her. Be with her, but don't feel the need to talk. Just show her your love by showing her you're near if she needs you, I know that that will mean a lot to her. You're on the right track in the fact that you're trying to understand.
Click to expand...
That's the bit which I think instinctively feels wrong. I mean I know it may well be the method to helping her... I'm just commenting that from this NTs point of view, sitting there and doing nothing is almost like making it worse!
Tulip said:
Try not to problem-solve.
What she needs is probably not a solution.
Click to expand...
I did read once that Ts are "let me fix it for you" and Fs are "I'm here for you". I have noticed and tried to reign in the fixing reflex but I guess the whole just sitting there and being there for someone never made sense but it's starting too... I'm going to be blogging about this one. I think a penny has just dropped.
Questingpoet said:
dneecy is on the right track I think. Give her emotional support. Let her know you are there. She may not respond, but this is the right way to go about it. If you really need to, draw her out.....slowly. Kindness will comfort her the most--not analysing the problem. Not talking incessantly. Not pretending you know what she feels (we know when you are BS-ing us). Just be honest and caring, that's what she wants.
Click to expand...
Oh honest I can do. It's trying not to understand that I think is going to be the bugbear. I never thought of that as part of the fixing it process but I think it is and I need to stop trying to see the clockwork.
enfp can be shy said:
+1

I may have not understood INFJs, but at least I understood that much: it seems the best you can get to full understanding is to let go of it, about them. Probably because it is so complex inside of them that even they couldn't completely understand it themselves. That doesn't mean to completely stop trying, just don't expect final closure anytime soon. Take them on a journey or do something new together seems always better than attempts to solve their inner mystery. The "oneness" here, in practical sense, is the need to reflect the world. For me is enough to reflect their reflection back, even subconsciously, which seems to help them sometimes.
Click to expand...
Reflection... that's something I'd not considered before. An ESTP reflecting... it's no wonder she's upset. She hates doing that!
INTJMom said:
I think this is what your father meant by her "oneness" being disturbed...
Click to expand...
I'd read through the beside yourself book on this but I guess until it gets converted from NF into NT I just don't understand it well enough.
 
INTJMom said:
I thought Quenk was an INTP?
Click to expand...
I thought she was an NF?

Hmm... off to do research... unless you beat me to it... again :w:
 
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