Oh. Fuck. Unhealthy INFJness and Enneagram 4nness.
- Thread starter Sam
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I recently dated a girl who was all about the openness and stressed the necessity of being honest and frank. Furthermore, my best friend has this no-secrets thing. Anything about herself she would freely tell anyone, I've learned a lot from her. Anyways, back to this girl: she was all about openness but still had so many things she couldn't tell me. On top of that, there were some things about me she just couldn't take.
It ended pretty fast, with plenty of personal information about me on her side of the fence and nothing but confusion on mine. I've dealt with it the only way I can deal with embarrassment: just let go.
It's not something you should be ashamed of, sometimes it's good to at least get yourself out in the open for someone even if they don't understand or care. Try not to retreat inwards, opening up is always a good step. Remember what really matters is to know who you are.
There is something in telling secrets that somehow makes them more true. Use this to learn about yourself, realize that you are who you let out. Don't be ashamed of it, or if you must, have the courage to change what you can.
I used to get this thing when I was embarrassed: I would replay the incident over and over, trying to mentally change how I acted. I wanted to take things back, I would sit and talk myself through it for hours. Over time, you stop making those embarrassing "mistakes" but you lose something along the way.
These things usually help me, I hope they help you.
It ended pretty fast, with plenty of personal information about me on her side of the fence and nothing but confusion on mine. I've dealt with it the only way I can deal with embarrassment: just let go.
It's not something you should be ashamed of, sometimes it's good to at least get yourself out in the open for someone even if they don't understand or care. Try not to retreat inwards, opening up is always a good step. Remember what really matters is to know who you are.
There is something in telling secrets that somehow makes them more true. Use this to learn about yourself, realize that you are who you let out. Don't be ashamed of it, or if you must, have the courage to change what you can.
I used to get this thing when I was embarrassed: I would replay the incident over and over, trying to mentally change how I acted. I wanted to take things back, I would sit and talk myself through it for hours. Over time, you stop making those embarrassing "mistakes" but you lose something along the way.
These things usually help me, I hope they help you.
I'm sorry, but doing this typically just scares people off. Even if they do seem accepting, they are still judging. Don't hate yourself though; you need and want desperately to be understood, which is something I can definitely sympathize with. It isn't something that you can easily control because what it points at is more going on that is very difficult to control. I've scared away people too by being too open or "touchy-feely" or "creeper" or whatever they decide to call being emotionally open (I also feel like it is 10 times easier because I am male).
The best you can do at this point is send the person a message where you apologize for being so open and ask if they still want to speak to you.
As for the deteriorated healthiness, the issue really is what your relationship to fear is going to be. You, like me, are a person who is highly emotionally sensitive, which results in a high degree of fear. Don't kid yourself, whatever your insecurities, it all boils down to fear or the desire for things not to happen, and the fact that you felt the need to disclose this to someone leads me to believe that, if you don't mind me saying openly (and please correct me if I am wrong), your fear is largely a result of and directed toward your interactions with others and your ability to trust them. Of course, this is a fairly general statement and applies widely (meaning I didn't say much in saying it).
I don't that think you a broken. The issue is not that you are deficient; the issue is that your relationships are deficient. It is hard to know who to trust and when to trust, and yet the deep need for intimacy constantly goes unfulfilled. I don't have a solution for this other than to encourage you to pursue things that will allow you to deal with the fear in a constructive way; i.e. meditation and reading (and I'll recommend some books if you would like).
I feel though like I might be completely off in writing all this, so please disregard if I am.
Also, based on my experience with ENTPs, assuming the person was an ENTP, they probably thought "Wow, I feel really bad for this person, but I can't handle all their problems." and the reason I say that is unless ENTPs go the more existential route, they tend to feel guilty and responsible for other's emotional states- and what I mean by this is that they tend to feel that if they are to give advice to someone, they are somehow responsible for that person's emotional states. If this person was ENTP, they probably felt like they wouldn't be able to handle being responsible for your emotional states, so to get them back, you need to reassure them that you can handle them on your own and that they are not responsible and bare no burden for your emotional state (which they will still feel anyway probably, but it might make them comfortable enough to talk to you again).
There is one other very important factor: did you have a crush on this person?
The best you can do at this point is send the person a message where you apologize for being so open and ask if they still want to speak to you.
As for the deteriorated healthiness, the issue really is what your relationship to fear is going to be. You, like me, are a person who is highly emotionally sensitive, which results in a high degree of fear. Don't kid yourself, whatever your insecurities, it all boils down to fear or the desire for things not to happen, and the fact that you felt the need to disclose this to someone leads me to believe that, if you don't mind me saying openly (and please correct me if I am wrong), your fear is largely a result of and directed toward your interactions with others and your ability to trust them. Of course, this is a fairly general statement and applies widely (meaning I didn't say much in saying it).
I don't that think you a broken. The issue is not that you are deficient; the issue is that your relationships are deficient. It is hard to know who to trust and when to trust, and yet the deep need for intimacy constantly goes unfulfilled. I don't have a solution for this other than to encourage you to pursue things that will allow you to deal with the fear in a constructive way; i.e. meditation and reading (and I'll recommend some books if you would like).
I feel though like I might be completely off in writing all this, so please disregard if I am.
Also, based on my experience with ENTPs, assuming the person was an ENTP, they probably thought "Wow, I feel really bad for this person, but I can't handle all their problems." and the reason I say that is unless ENTPs go the more existential route, they tend to feel guilty and responsible for other's emotional states- and what I mean by this is that they tend to feel that if they are to give advice to someone, they are somehow responsible for that person's emotional states. If this person was ENTP, they probably felt like they wouldn't be able to handle being responsible for your emotional states, so to get them back, you need to reassure them that you can handle them on your own and that they are not responsible and bare no burden for your emotional state (which they will still feel anyway probably, but it might make them comfortable enough to talk to you again).
There is one other very important factor: did you have a crush on this person?
First, I want to stress that it is impossible to simply change a feeling. Instead of trying to change a feeling, try to see why you are feeling that way and possibly find the root of the problem. don't force yourself to feel different, you feel what you feel and that's how it should be.
Second, I understand if this person meant something to you. I know how it feels, I once had a crush on someone who flat-out told me that we couldn't speak anymore because of my religious convictions. I really liked her, but I got through it by knowing full well that I don't really want to be good friends with someone who can't handle a little agnosticism. If they don't want to deal with you, they aren't worth the grief from losing them.
Lastly, you may try opening the lens even further now. You've made it through, and this person is only a blip in your life. In the process, you've gained some ground in what will hopefully be a more open you. Don't let this little thing make you forget that it's helped you.
I donno. I did this and ended up marrying the person and it all worked out well. Personally, I have no problem opening myself up to people, and I'm not impressed by people who can't handle transparency. But if this kind of thing bothers you, you can always commit yourself to reserving these kind of open discussions for when a relationship gets off the ground. When you find the right person, you will have that same conversation and it will go incredibly well AND you will get the next date, too.
I agree, too much self-disclosure at once would scare most people off. If it was a potential romantic interest -- it helps to disclose a layer at a time. Keeps things interesting. Also, I have fears and insecurities of my own, I can deal with the fears and insecurities of others, but only in small doses at a time.
I did go out with an INTJ once and she revealed a lot to me, it felt awesome. But it came in pieces at a time, and I felt very priviliged to be trusted with a part of her inner self. But not everyone is like that, not everyone listens the same way that some of us can.
In addition, I have a friend who is an INTP, he has only recently begin talking about his insecurities with me, and while I root for him -- it is too much sometimes since I don't really know how to help him in the Ti sense of analyzing the situation and giving advice. It invokes a feeling of helplessness in me, that I do not like to experience.
I did go out with an INTJ once and she revealed a lot to me, it felt awesome. But it came in pieces at a time, and I felt very priviliged to be trusted with a part of her inner self. But not everyone is like that, not everyone listens the same way that some of us can.
In addition, I have a friend who is an INTP, he has only recently begin talking about his insecurities with me, and while I root for him -- it is too much sometimes since I don't really know how to help him in the Ti sense of analyzing the situation and giving advice. It invokes a feeling of helplessness in me, that I do not like to experience.
S
Shai Gar
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