Need advice about the girl I like.

Fallen_Adalia

Fallen_Adalia

Newbie
MBTI
ESTP
Enneagram
4 i guess
Hmm...I don't know what to think about this. the whole situation is uncomfortable enough for me to "turn off" the parts of me that are getting messed up by it.

I like my INFJ friend, actually feel more strongly and deeply for her then I can comfortably express.
I value her so much, more then I value anyone, or anything else.
She knows me, more then I know myself.
She encourages me, and makes me feel like I can do anything I set my mind to..I feel like I have super powers or something.
She guides me in the right direction, and is patient with me since I don't always understand her on the first try.
She is kind and generous, but she doesn't just put up with my BS, she knows how to handle me.. though I know its not easy for her either.
She cares about me deeply... I care about her too..

But she doesn't love me.

How can she kiss me, care about me so deeply, give me so much of herself... and not love me?

Most importantly, I can logically look at the situation and see I am a lucky person.

I have an amazing friend...I should be happy not sad.

I feel selfish. For wanting more, for asking myself is there anything else I could do to make this happen? Instead of asking how could I be a better friend to her.

LOL I don't know what to do. I mean its not like I can go back to how I was, I think she did something permanent to my insides. I know sounds dumb, and a bit too intense.. I can't explain it well.

I feel bad cause I know part of me is naive and wants to see this through. The part of me that knows she is the one I want.

another part of me wants to GTFO before she changes something else in me, cause what am I gonna do then huh?

And the last part of me wants to stick around and just pretend I dont feel anything for her at all. Just stick around as a friend because she deserve better then me running away, and she doesnt deserve some stupid kid only sticking around for the reason of wanting to be with her.

Damn it all to hell. When did it all get complicated? Or personal..?

Anyway so any input would be nice.. hopefully I didnt sound like too much or a loser, I just want a simple solution. Or some good advice... so lets have it, and please no kid gloves. If I need to be kicked in the ass, do so.

If any need me to explain anything else, let me know. I know I dont explain stuff well on the first try sometimes. um okay thanks.
 
wait for her.
 
Barnabas said:
wait for her.
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I just don't know how healthy that would be. I feel crazy, like it doesn't make sense to make such a big deal out of this.. while in the back of my mind I'm screaming at myself that yeah this is a HUGE deal and I will regret it for the rest of my stupid little life if I don't stick it out.

I would too, i tend to be a bit clumsy and reckless with myself.. I'm tough and I can handle all sorts of things, but is it the right thing to do?

Hell I've come to terms with the idea that becoming emotionally attached to someone is kind of a bad move, you have less control and things affect you more then they should... I've even come to terms with how I let myself become vulnerable and open, and I'm okay with it. She has helped me and been a good friend, she doesn't like hurting me. She's an angel :)

However, It does hurt to know she refuses to allow her self to do the same with me. It's alright I'm no angel, not like her at all. So I get it, I just need to make a smart move now... whats it gonna be, I keep asking myself.

I mean its easy to say I'll pretend I dont love her, and just be her friend.. hell maybe I could get it down after alot of practice... but when I see her look at me, I know its okay to just be myself with her. I'd miss that.. and she would likely know what I was doing anyway.

...I just need time to get over this I think:mpff:

god I'm an idiot.

She did say she wasn't ready to be in a relationship right now, but does being ready or not being ready alter how you feel about a person.. I mean can love not be there cause you have goals... Me I have goals but I think I'm more equipped to handle them when I'm around her. She is very encouraging and always give really great advice. Sure I can do my things with out her but she makes me more awesome. I want to do that for her too...

maybe I'm taking this too hard, I just got this weird feeling since I got all honest and open with her.. And she was opening up too.. why get so close why bother with all these deeper things for nothing? hmm
 
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She obviously has too much hand in this relationship.

Get over her and find another.
 
Melkor said:
Awww don't fret, when you're dead none of this will matter.:)
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LOL so true.

corndogman said:
She obviously has too much hand in this relationship.

Get over her and find another.
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hmm... lol Idk why this makes me laugh. I thought about bolting and just dating other people.. I know it wouldnt be the same. I don't know how she got inside and managed to make an inpact in my life, motivate me and, just be a pain in the ass.. but I love it. Its a rare thing to find someone so cool this way, I wont kid myself and say there are a whole bunch of girls like her in the world. Or that just any other chick is gonna do it for me, she sort of change how I define sexy.. if that makes any sense...

but on a side note, I love your avatar icon thingy.. it cracked me up man, I need to get a funny icon thingy. hmm.
 
There will be another. Dont fool yourself.
 
Fallen_Adalia said:
Hmm...I don't know what to think about this. the whole situation is uncomfortable enough for me to "turn off" the parts of me that are getting messed up by it.

I like my INFJ friend, actually feel more strongly and deeply for her then I can comfortably express.
I value her so much, more then I value anyone, or anything else.
She knows me, more then I know myself.
She encourages me, and makes me feel like I can do anything I set my mind to..I feel like I have super powers or something.
She guides me in the right direction, and is patient with me since I don't always understand her on the first try.
She is kind and generous, but she doesn't just put up with my BS, she knows how to handle me.. though I know its not easy for her either.
She cares about me deeply... I care about her too..

But she doesn't love me.

How can she kiss me, care about me so deeply, give me so much of herself... and not love me

I have an amazing friend...I should be happy not sad.
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I have to agree with CornDogMan. There's no use in waiting for her if she doesn't love you. You should move on, if something happens in the future, that's all well and good but I don't think you should keep yourself from all other potential relationships because of one relationship you have where one participant doesn't agree on the level of the relationship. Your situation is one that is common to quite a few people on the forum, you're not sad or selfish. You're just human.
 
I don't believe that love is something that just happens, it grows over time. like fruit of a tree or the flower of a rose.

Love starts as a seed, then pokes it's way up from the dirt, growing a maturing, son it bears leaves and bud, the bud opens and a flower appears, soon the flower unfolds to it's magnificent petals, then it closes, and the flower is hidden for a while, but without fail the flower reapers, the process repeats it's self over and over, till the the rose dies dies and the flower of love goes with it to the grave.

She doesn't need you to do what makes sense, she needs to know that you can put that rational mind at ease and follow your heart regardless of where it leads you. If you here that voice in your head whispering to stay, in ten years it will wailing over your loss.

Wait for her she's more then worth it.
 
corndogman said:
There will be another. Dont fool yourself.
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.. :/

Reon said:
I have to agree with CornDogMan. There's no use in waiting for her if she doesn't love you. You should move on, if something happens in the future, that's all well and good but I don't think you should keep yourself from all other potential relationships because of one relationship you have where one participant doesn't agree on the level of the relationship. Your situation is one that is common to quite a few people on the forum, you're not sad or selfish. You're just human.
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... you guys make sense, it just sucks to hear it. god i need to go do something with myself. i should put myself back together and just get over it.

JohnDoe said:
Friend kiss or Intimate kiss?
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we've done alot of kissing, and other stuff.. sometimes its short and sweet and kinda lazy and beautiful.. other times its rushed and lusty. sometimes we french other times i just kiss her cheeks.. and hands, or her closed eyes.. i like the feel of her eye lashes on my lips...

man this really sucks, i need to go out for drinks or something.
 
Fallen_Adalia said:
... you guys make sense, it just sucks to hear it. god i need to go do something with myself. i should put myself back together and just get over it.
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Let me make this clear.





LOVE DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!!!
 
its not that i'm not open to romantic concepts or to other advice... i love her for cry'n out loud, but what can i do but respect her choices?

the harder i try the more she pushes away, i just have to let it be... for once.

i wanted more advice from other infjs on this, but its likely not gonna happen.

... thanks to everyone for their input

if anyone has anything else to add let me know. i'll let ya'll know if she comes around.
 
If you guys kissed and did "other stuff" and still manage to have a good connection, are you really sure she doesn't have any feelings? Maybe she's just scared to ruin the friendship.

Talk about it with her
 
INFJ primary cognitive function is a perceiving one. To add insult to injury, it is one that creates multiple interpretations to events, multiple meanings, multiple possibilities. Ni introduces a lot of doubt and confusion into one's thinking. Therefore INFJ may choose to be emotionally ambivalent or emotionally spread over a group of people rather than focus emotion on one person. It may also lead one to seek love with an ideal that is never approximated in real life. I think I have found out that I am in love with my ENTP ex something like 6 months into a relationship. The relationships started because he very energetically pursued me and basically steered everything towards it. I was kind of like "ok i'll just go along". Then after half a year I sorted out my feelings and was like "oh I am actually in love with this guy".

So when you say she is not in love with you yet her actions demonstrate otherwise I am bound to think that there is something fishy about this.
 
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Sometimes we are ready for people who are not ready for us. Insecurity does some really weird things to people. Now does that give you hope or does it feel hopeless? I don't want to dash your hopes that she will eventually come around but the operative word here is 'eventually'. That could be next week or it could be next decade. Can you actually live with the feelings you've got right now for several years? I had to cut loose on my one of these connections. I realised that the see saw was more damaging than life affirming and as much as I wanted to be with this person they simply had too much going on and couldn't ever be who I wanted them to be. Maybe in 10 years time yes, right now? No and I know it.

I'm not willing to hold my breath that long and actually I am worthy of a partner who isn't constantly pulling back and holding out. We meet these people not to consummate the love but to be the source of regret for them that will eventually get them to deal with whatever it is they need to. It's a catalyst not a symbiosis situation. And as difficult as it may be to part with them, you most definately will find an equal love, in fact you will find a greater one. One that says 'yes' instead of 'I don't know' or 'maybe'.
 
Nevermore said:
Sometimes we are ready for people who are not ready for us. Insecurity does some really weird things to people. Now does that give you hope or does it feel hopeless? I don't want to dash your hopes that she will eventually come around but the operative word here is 'eventually'. That could be next week or it could be next decade. Can you actually live with the feelings you've got right now for several years? I had to cut loose on my one of these connections. I realised that the see saw was more damaging than life affirming and as much as I wanted to be with this person they simply had too much going on and couldn't ever be who I wanted them to be. Maybe in 10 years time yes, right now? No and I know it.

I'm not willing to hold my breath that long and actually I am worthy of a partner who isn't constantly pulling back and holding out. We meet these people not to consummate the love but to be the source of regret for them that will eventually get them to deal with whatever it is they need to. It's a catalyst not a symbiosis situation. And as difficult as it may be to part with them, you most definately will find an equal love, in fact you will find a greater one. One that says 'yes' instead of 'I don't know' or 'maybe'.
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Very wise words.
 
I agree with several posters, in that it sounds like she is sending mixed signals.

However:
I find that when I give people advice and they rely on me for emotional support it tends to create an unequal power division. Perhaps the issue is that she is in "savior mode" and you want "girlfriend mode". If you have learned anything from her advice and support, then try being the kind of man she can trust to help her. I find it very hard to trust someone who constantly needs me to tend to his garden and seems not to have any tools of his own to tend to mine.
 
Sonyab said:
I agree with several posters, in that it sounds like she is sending mixed signals.

However:
I find that when I give people advice and they rely on me for emotional support it tends to create an unequal power division. Perhaps the issue is that she is in "savior mode" and you want "girlfriend mode". If you have learned anything from her advice and support, then try being the kind of man she can trust to help her. I find it very hard to trust someone who constantly needs me to tend to his garden and seems not to have any tools of his own to tend to mine.
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I gotta agree with this, i'm not looking for someone who is constantly needy as I have needs to.

the relationship needs to be mutually beneficial.
 
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