My Greatest Fear: Love

[Sarah the infj]

Hello to all.
tbh this is just going to be a bit of a vent: a thought dump if you will.

Basically, the greatest fear that I have identified thus far is my fear of love. I am afraid of being in a romantic relationship more than probably anything. Being a bit of a psychology nerd I find this fact about myself both quite fascinating, as well as haunting.

I have always had very thick walls when it came to people, even friends, which caused problems in my childhood when at times I could become almost selectively mute. Though as I've discovered, my fear towards my friendships is no where near as potent as my fear towards romantic relationships.

I admit I'm not 100% sure why I feel the way I do. Probably the classic reasons why people gets nervous about relationships; committing to one person. The pressure to satisfy the expectations/needs of that person. The total lack of control over that person and yet still allowing oneself to be incredibly vulnerable to them. And also my personal unfamiliarity with direct emotional and physical displays of affection due to my upbringing. Though unfortunately unlike most people it is a fear that goes beyond mere nervousness.

I tried to let a person in once with disastrous results for me mentally. This took me a long time to come back from and I know that that experience wont be the last like it. After this experience I even find myself noticeably uncomfortable when people ask me if I have a lover. I do desire an intimate connection with another person, but my own mind prevents me. Its quite the dilemma.

I've put the issue on the back burner so I can concentrate on finishing school and starting my uni degree. But its bizarre don't you think?

 

[David54]

first of all, welcome.
Fear of relationship. . fear of intimacy. relationship requires letting people in. It may be that you haven't met that person yet. Not every one is going to be allowed in, nor should they be. If there are trauma related reasons you will need to work on those, but since you didn't say that, well, just random thoughts. I think for most of us, the walls stay up for every one but that one special person, who will be granted access to everything.
If you had a bad experience, that will make you even more cautious. If you really desire relationship you simply have to allow it. .
and no it's not bizarre. .

 

[Jonah Caan]

Hey Sarah.

Thank you for sharing that; my heart goes out to you.

I know the feeling; I've been there myself when I was younger. But you realise that falling in love is exactly that; falling. You never know if the other person is going to catch you. That's the risk of experiencing love I guess; pure love is what makes life worth it all in my opinion.

I've had my heart broken, having only let someone in romantically at the age of 30 haha. BUT, it was worth all the pain afterwards, because I lived for a moment; I felt the deepest of love and had the blessing of experiencing that.

Nothing lasts in this life, especially relationships. You will either lose the other person through some kind of fall-out, or death. Sorry for being so blunt; it's what helped me to face my fear of the same.

Also you said

I know that that experience wont be the last like it.

You're choosing fear over love. I know it's easier said than done; I myself am still on the journey of overcoming this fear. But that almost seems like anxiety and some kind of PTSD. Sorry for using these terms; i don't mean to be diagnosing you in away way, forgive me. But I have those same feelings, but I have trained myself to always question those feelings and ask whether they're coming from my intuition, or that fear from a previous trauma.

Time is the most precious thing we're given; use it to live. Yes it's going to be painful, there will be tears. But I assure you, tears of joy always follow.

 

[Sarah the infj]

Thanks for replying!

I understand everything that you are saying. I hate the idea of letting fear control me and that I might potentially miss an important part of living because of it. It is the reason why this issue has been so, as i said, 'haunting' to me. I always try to face fear head on and in many areas of my life I have done that.

But this is... Its like a primal fear, an animal instinct, like a part of my brain is convinced that if I pursue a relationship I will quite literally die at the hands of that person (as silly as it sounds). Of course I know logically I wont actually die, but that's what it feels like, like my life is in danger some how. Like I'm a deer trying to pursue a wolf that will just tear me apart at any moment.

Whats more I have no memory of a traumatising event that could cause such a persistent, crippling fear in the first place. It came out of my subconscious one day, a fear I never knew I had, triggered by an innocent pursuit of a childish crush. And every time i tried to let this 'crush' in it just made the fear worse. That's whats bizarre to me.

So I agree with what you are saying. I guess my concern is that I may not have a lot of choice in the matter as it seems to be so ingrained in me subconsciously that I don't even know the thought process behind it and when I try to overcome it it just gets worse.

Not to say I've given up. Its just that its something I cant just overcome through pure persistence and positive thinking like some other fears I have and I don't want to destroy my mental health (again) in the process so I need to be careful and figure it out when I'm in a position to open that can of worms.

I just really wanted to talk about it somewhere. Cause its been on my mind.

 

[Pin]

I hate to sound like such a jerk but you've got to get past this, especially if you want to get/stay married and have children. The next part of life is mostly about them.

It's not good to think about yourself too much. Work to help others and you won't be thinking about all of your problems.

 

[Sarah the infj]

It's not good to think about yourself too much. Work to help others and you won't be thinking about all of your problems.

No. I disagree. See that's called suppressing my issues because I don't want to deal with them. I cant work to help others if I cant even help myself. I've already suppressed issues before and tried to focus my energy on everyone else only to fall apart because of it. If I don't think about it, I cant get through it. It will just stay at the back of my mind forever.

And of course I know I have to get past this. You don't have to tell me that. I feel that already.

 

[David54]

I have no memory of a traumatising event that could cause such a persistent, crippling fear in the first place. It came out of my subconscious one day, a fear I never knew I had, triggered by an innocent pursuit of a childish crush. And every time i tried to let this 'crush' in it just made the fear worse. That's whats bizarre to me.

all the more reason to see a therapist.If you have some hidden trauma, a skilled therapist can find it and help you through it. There are some really excellent techniques for uncovering and dealing with forgotten trauma

 

[JustPhil]

Hey Sarah.

Thank you for sharing that; my heart goes out to you.

I know the feeling; I've been there myself when I was younger. But you realise that falling in love is exactly that; falling. You never know if the other person is going to catch you. That's the risk of experiencing love I guess; pure love is what makes life worth it all in my opinion.

I've had my heart broken, having only let someone in romantically at the age of 30 haha. BUT, it was worth all the pain afterwards, because I lived for a moment; I felt the deepest of love and had the blessing of experiencing that.

Nothing lasts in this life, especially relationships. You will either lose the other person through some kind of fall-out, or death. Sorry for being so blunt; it's what helped me to face my fear of the same.

Also you said You're choosing fear over love. I know it's easier said than done; I myself am still on the journey of overcoming this fear. But that almost seems like anxiety and some kind of PTSD. Sorry for using these terms; i don't mean to be diagnosing you in away way, forgive me. But I have those same feelings, but I have trained myself to always question those feelings and ask whether they're coming from my intuition, or that fear from a previous trauma.

Time is the most precious thing we're given; use it to live. Yes it's going to be painful, there will be tears. But I assure you, tears of joy always follow.

Such a great post! I agree wholeheartedly.

 

[Pin]

No. I disagree. See that's called suppressing my issues because I don't want to deal with them. I cant work to help others if I cant even help myself. I've already suppressed issues before and tried to focus my energy on everyone else only to fall apart because of it. If I don't think about it, I cant get through it. It will just stay at the back of my mind forever.

And of course I know I have to get past this. You don't have to tell me that. I feel that already.

Is there an easy task that you can do for someone, like cleaning up a room or walking their dog?

It doesn't have to be grandiose.