Married Men!! | INFJ Forum

Married Men!!


Nov 3, 2008
I seem to have a problem with attracting men who are either married or in a serious relationship and I was wondering if it is just me or whether it may be an INFJish thing......

The first time this happened was actually a nightmare. I had done nothing to lead the person on (in fact he repulsed me) but i got into a scary situation. In fact, I believe this man was about to rape me but I got away. In that situation, I think it was him that was the problem. He was from a war torn country and had been involved in horrendous things and so I guess he was perhaps just totally messed in the head.....Worst thing is that his wife is possibly the best person I have ever met. A truly good person!!

However, over the years, I have started to notice a pattern. I met a friend years ago (she is now my best friend) and she introduced me to her brother. I immediately knew we felt something for each other but I also knew he was engaged. I didn't ever act on my feelings and he got married. He told me he was happy and so I moved on. However, he and his wife moved to live near me and we all began to hang out together. I started to notice that when drunk, he would start to show some feelings toward me again. I was quite unhappy about it because his wife is not stupid and I think she could see. I was also over him and I had someone else in my head. Anyway, it came to a point where one night they were both drunk and I was not and actually he was very drunk. He started to put his arms around me and told me that "he liked me, he really, really , really liked me!"....This was right in front of his wife! Like an idiot, I froze and couldn't move. Eventually I got up and told them I had to go but he followed. He was just totally drunk and out of control. Anyway, I told him to go back and he responded by telling me he loved me. I managed to get rid of him but that was a sleepless night. The next day his wife just acted like everything was fine and not long after that they moved away. As he is the brother of my best friend (who knows nothing about all of this) I just don't want it to become a problem. It is still a problem but I have no romantic feelings for him anymore and I just keep my distance from them.

Anyway, recently there have been two more men. One who is married and one who is in a serious relationship and has a child. They are both friends of my sister and both have shown far too much interest in me. I know that I will have to keep my distance. I think what I have started to feel is that there is something that is causing these situations. I honestly do not knowingly try to attract men who are not single. So why is it happening? Is it because I am an introvert and mysterious? Or perhaps because I come across as innocent but that they pick up that I have a darker side? Do any other INFJ's have this problem? I don't seem to attract single men!!!

:m103: Mankycustard
Yup but I'm not an INFJ :D

One was an ESFJ friend who tried to talk me out starting a relationship with another friend, eventually he explained that it was cause he was interested, at the time he was single so I had no moral issue with him stating his interest, the relationship I got into was a dismal failure but when it ended my friend had started going out with a girl he’d been friends with for years. I guess I felt comfortable around him cause of this. Him and his new girlfriend got married a short while later however he continued to express an interest in and pursue me. I like the guy as a friend and there’s some scary background involving his current wife’s father um, being imprisoned for assaulting a previous boyfriend of hers for cheating on her, scary enough for this guy to wise up I woulda thought *shrug* apparently not. I still have time for the guy but don’t socialise with him much now.

Another is a very good friend, one of my closest ESFJ buds (what is it with me and ESFJs right!). Married with two little kids, he’s a gentle giant that I love dearly as a mate. Well one Christmas party he got terribly drunk and told my INFJ sister he was in love with me and asked her not to say anything, she basically laughed and said you’ve got to be kidding, like she’s gonna keep that from me. I was too drunk to explain myself at the time so I sent him a very blunt email a few days later when he raised the topic stating if he ever mentioned anything like that ever again I would cut all ties with him. He behaved himself and we’re still good friends although I am slightly wary now I know.

A third is a skeezebag ESxx husband of a friend. I’ve written about him before;

His wife and my INFJ sister had gone on an overseas trip together, the first time she had travelled OS without him, they had been gone for less than two weeks when me, my other sister and the husband arranged to call them on a speaker phone from my house. After the call my sister left and the husband stayed to keep drinking and watch the footy, he was staying the night in the spare room so he didn’t drink and drive, oh by the way although he isn’t a friend I’ve known him for over 10 years so had no reason to feel uncomfortable by this.

As it started to get late I though he was hitting on me but assumed I must have be imagining it (stupid INTPness needs to be slapped in the face to realise flirting) after a while it became clear that he most definitely was, he then started making suggestions getting more and more graphic with what he was proposing we do, this went on for some time then he threw out some potentially hurtful things in an attempt to get me in bed including posing the question, what if he said his wife never liked me or what if her friend had slept with him, asshole. I made it clear I didn’t care if his wife thought I was the lowest form out there, I liked her and would never betray her like that even if he would. This upset him and he eventually toddled off to the spare bedroom. I felt quite uncomfortable being there on my own after that, he’s a big bloke!

Thankfully the next day he was gone, I told my sister what happened after she left, she was horrified and bless her ISFP jump-to-actionness, called him and demanded a reason why he would act in such a depraved manner. He pulled the drunk card and claimed to remember nothing and was profusely apologetic as he didn’t want his wife to find out, I guess he assumed I’d be embarrassed and tell no one, asshole.

There have been others, too many to list, don’t even get me started on army husbands, don’t think any of them are faithful. I have no idea how or why I attract unavailable guys, maybe because I give the impression that I’m not interested in a relationship while simultaneously being more at ease around married guys cause I don’t expect them to be skeezy assholes, I should stop that. I actually always assumed it was my NTness.

This is one of the reasons I'd prefer to snag myself an INT fella, sure everyone is capable of cheating but some types are less likely to imo, keeping well clear of them ESFx types, that's for damn sure!
i've never had any problems with married men... or single men for that matter... thank goodness... lol...

actually, for me, it would be married women... which i don't have any problems with...

i'm always the friend in the friend-stage... you know, the one that they can come to and talk to... yea, i've had my fascinations with single women, but as soon as they are engaged or married, i'm just a friend...

i don't do the chasing-married-women thing... i find it most disrespectful to myself and their marriage...
I don't know to much about the laws of attraction, but I think this may have to do more with the men then it would you being INFJ.
Yes, I'm pretty sure you are right about that SH.
Hmm... I experience the opposite. I find that I am attracted to unavailable women. And it's not the unavailability that attracts me.

i don't do the chasing-married-women thing... i find it most disrespectful to myself and their marriage...

Yeah, I do too, I mean, I don't... oh, you know what I mean. I agree.

What I think it is is that women who are in a relationship aren't mucking about with any kind of posturing or anything and are secure in themselves, which leads to being able to have easy, genuine conversations, where you can really connect with someone. And then once I get to know them... I like them. Well, some of them.

The thing that makes me think it's definitely not the unavailability itself that attracts me is that many times I don't find out they're unavailable until after we've made a connection. I mean, it's gotten to the point where, if I were out somewhere and met someone, and there was no indication that they were in a relationship, and things were going really well and I started to feel attracted to them, I'd just start to assume that they're in a relationship. And more often than not I've been right.

It sucks, because of course (as MJ was saying) I could never violate that.
I don't mind anyone loving me, whether they are married or not.
It's the lustful ones I can't stand. And man I've had my share of them knocking on my door.
When I was younger I wouldn't know how to handle it and try to get rid of them 'nicely' but they took it as a kind of tease I guess and didn't believe me so they kept trying. Eventually I got nasty but that is very difficult and hard on me.
With two of them I immediately told my husband and that was that. Those people got a big frosty shoulder and backed off with their tails between their legs.
Nowadays I'd cut to the chase quickly and just tell them to eff right off.
I would tend to agree with those who feel it's a male thing more than a MBTI thing.

The less I say on this subject the better, because I am intensely disgusted both by married men who have propositioned me, and by single men who have propositioned me, knowing I am married.
Yes, it possibly is just a male thing and I guess I have a tendency in these situations to blame myself. It is pretty depressing really and I have always found trust a problem with relationships. It is certainly not getting any better the more I see this type of behavior.......

This guy that I liked but who got married was (to me at that time) such a good person!! It is all quite complicated but as the years have gone by I have grown to really lose respect for him and perhaps even dislike him!!