[INFJ] Making friends as an INFJ

[rmoat]

I wanted to start a conversation about INFJs making friends with others. Before I fully knew my MBTI type, it would always frustrate me when there was this group of friends, and I really only could connect with one but not the majority of the group. The one friend that I did connect with would always tell me, "The others just don't understand you", "Try to be social tonight, the others think you don't like them because you never talk in the group", and "You just kind of leave everyone and they don't think you like them".

It wasn't until I understood what an INFJ really was, until I started connecting the pieces. It got me thinking about relationships, friendships, and even dating. It made me wonder, are other INFJs like me when it comes to creating relationships? Or am I just really weird?

I often have come off as a snob to others, because no matter what MBTI type people are, I don't make friends by talking (small talk, especially since I don't like small talk, or really know what to say to someone I don't really know). I've also noticed that depending on the person, it can take a very short few weeks to as long as a year for someone to actually get to know me.

I like to say I am an introvert in communication and interaction with people, but I am an extrovert when it comes to physical activities and sports. So basically, talking to me will rarely form a friendship/relationship or a bond. But if you go do something with me, people will see the real me (after some time).

Also, I realized I can go for a very long time without any close friends. Yes, interaction with casual friends is okay, but I've gone up to a year without close friends, and then at one point I get to the point where I really feel like I need a close friend. I don't open up to many people, and most people that could be potential friends are just not even interesting to me (same goes with dating, so many girls that I could date, and yet sometimes there is only 1 in 100 that will stand out to me--guess that's why I am still single).

But then, someone will enter my life (whether it be someone I work with, someone I see at some event on occasion) and I really want to know them. It's like there is something about them that has attracted the INFJ in me. And I will go out of my way to reach out to them (non-typical for me), and I am either excited to be their friend if they are a male, or excited to ask them on a date if they are a girl.
Unfortunately, I also feel that whatever it is about these people that attract me to them, I am very extremely loyal, and know what a true friend is (at least I know how to treat them like they are valued, because I value the friendship) and feel like I get close too fast at times. I've also had some of these close friends betray me, and it takes me a very long time to get over, with mixtures of anger and sadness, even to forgiveness, but still not having the desire to ever be around them again.

Although I feel like I have many friends, I also feel like I don't have any friends at all. Yes, maybe a couple true close friends, but friendships seem to always come and go. Maybe it's because they can't keep up with my INFJ energy? I once had someone I considered my best friend tell me that he was an apple and I was an orange, and that we were too different. It eventually escalated to the ending of our friendship in an abrupt bad ending.

Are any of you INFJs like this? How do you make friends? Have you experienced the same thing? I feel like nobody really understands what it's like to be an INFJ, and yet here is a forum of the only people who probably gets most of this if not all of it.

 

[Ginny]

I do feel like I have friends and no friends at the same time. I see them mostly on birthdays or when I meet them coincidentally on campus. I usually tend to drop some hints, wanting to be social, but mostly I don't hear back from them. I just assume then they are busy and since I don't see anyone very often, I don't really cross their minds. IDK, would I hear more from them if I still used Facebook? I stopped going regularly on FB, I think, two years ago? There is also this video that I came upon yesterday, and it resonated with me a lot.

 

[ignacia]

I also feel like I can't form strong bonds with my friends, I like hanging out with them and stuff but... there's no one I can call my real FRIEND, therefore, I believe I don't have any relationships in my life, because to me (INFJ) relationships of any kind have to be very deep and real, or else I feel alone.
I've felt sort of alone my whole life so I guess the right people are out in the world, and I haven't met them yet.
When making friends, it's like I transform to a very outgoing and funny me, but always feeling a little fake when I do this.

I speak Spanish and I'm trying to articulate myself in English

 

[jyrffw54]

A lesson I've learned as a budding adult INFJ, is that oftentimes you'll have to go through the "barrier" of small talk to get to the pleasure of forming a deep and lasting friendship with people. Small talk is how people find common interests, hot button topics, and other aspects of conversation that eventually leads to the "deeper" stuff, but that trust should and must be developed mutually before treading those waters, otherwise you might find yourself with an explosive, but brief friendship that'll hurt like a bitch should it dissolve.

My current best friend and I didn't become besties overnight. We started out as partners on a biology summer project and naturally the conversation drifted. Key word:Naturally. We didn't force our friendship, but just allowed time to figure out that we actually really enjoyed each other's company and that led to a building of trust...and needless to say we tell each other everything lol.

But I didn't start making friends until I put myself out there more...which got easier as I got older. You think you're strange, different, weird? Well, there are many others out there saying "me too" . Sometimes you need to be the one to say "me too".

 

[WonkyOracle]

A lesson I've learned as a budding adult INFJ, is that oftentimes you'll have to go through the "barrier" of small talk to get to the pleasure of forming a deep and lasting friendship with people. Small talk is how people find common interests, hot button topics, and other aspects of conversation that eventually leads to the "deeper" stuff, but that trust should and must be developed mutually before treading those waters, otherwise you might find yourself with an explosive, but brief friendship that'll hurt like a bitch should it dissolve.

My current best friend and I didn't become besties overnight. We started out as partners on a biology summer project and naturally the conversation drifted. Key word:Naturally. We didn't force our friendship, but just allowed time to figure out that we actually really enjoyed each other's company and that led to a building of trust...and needless to say we tell each other everything lol.

But I didn't start making friends until I put myself out there more...which got easier as I got older. You think you're strange, different, weird? Well, there are many others out there saying "me too" . Sometimes you need to be the one to say "me too".

Serenity, long time no speak, agree with everything you said there^

And on that note...

Bye,

 

[rmoat]

Ginny, ignacia, Serenity, and Wonky Oracle, first and foremost, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I definitely wrote more than I meant, but also I think you get to this point where there are people who are very alike, and can understand.

Ginny, I definitely understand! Thank you for sharing this video, as I know I have experienced the INFJ invisibility cloak all my life. I made this friend a couple years back, and surprisingly, it got to the point where he actually called me his best friend. I was often frustrated, because it seemed like he would forget about me constantly (or that I was invisible). I felt like I had to constantly be the one to reach out and maintain the friendship. And when we'd spend time as a group of friends, or one-on-one, regardless of how enjoyable it was, it seemed liked I was doing all the work.
But I look back over my life, and there has always been a very similar invisibility cloak. I found that because I was on Facebook, it did help... but I also have experienced that as I have slowly moved away from the Facebook scene, so has my visibility and friends. Though, part of that is to blame that I got tired of doing all of the work so I stopped calling and texting everyone just to hang out.

ignacia, I was just thinking about this exact thing today. In my opinion, a real friendship is one that I can share a deeper bond with. I often wonder what other friendships are like between other MBTI types. However, I am in the middle of creating a friendship, being very careful not to go overboard to quickly, and dealing with the small talk and no pressure. However, the thought also came to me that there is the possibility that this won't evolve into what an INFJ considers friendship (which is rather sad), because it's so hard to keep putting yourself out there over and over again.

Serenity, well said! You are absolutely right. My last few friendships have all flourished because I got out of my comfort zone and reached out to them first. As an INFJ, I've noticed for the most part that people don't come to me. They don't always really know how to react to someone who is very quiet and mysterious. It really does require some level of engagement, whether it be via small talk, or common ground in some form.
There a brief periods of time where I don't always put myself out there, and I definitely do not make any friends at all during those times. So great points, really appreciate that.

 

[biwaly]

I don't even try to make friend. Connecting, trying, etc only hurts when the person you wanted to be close with doesn't interested with you and acting like you don't exist. I'm done trying since I realized I'm not like most people and I want different things from a relationship than other people.

Yeah, I hate small talk too and avoid it but any kind of conversation may lead to good relationship. I mostly make comment or joke on something which it rarely attract someone and leads to deeper conversation, it mostly leads to small talk and stay with that surface level conversation. If you can't past beyond surface level conversation that relationship won't work.

Letting others connect me and keeping a distance until I find out if they are worthy to be considered as friend or not always worked for me. It takes years for me to consider someone as friend. Until then I give only one chance, if they screw up again I door slam. I better be alone rather than in a toxic/fake relationship.

 

[rmoat]

biwaly,

And what makes this even harder, is the fact that there may be very few that you want to be close with. When you find one that you want to be close to, which in my case is very rare, it most certainly feels like a piece of you breaks when they are not interested (regardless if it's a friendship, or someone you want to date). I get it! I've had a few of those in my life, and they're hard to think back.

I've always wondered what it would be like to have a twin. Yeah, I know many twins don't like sharing a birthday, clothes, etc, and would rather be independent from being in a set of twins. But in my INFJ mindset, at least there would be a friendship that wouldn't disappear.

In all seriousness, I too take a long time to consider someone a friend or for them to get to know me. Not many make it too far, but I think it's important for an INFJ to recognize when someone will be solid, or whether it's just a temporary friendship (or fake).

Thanks!

 

[acd]

A lesson I've learned as a budding adult INFJ, is that oftentimes you'll have to go through the "barrier" of small talk to get to the pleasure of forming a deep and lasting friendship with people. Small talk is how people find common interests, hot button topics, and other aspects of conversation that eventually leads to the "deeper" stuff, but that trust should and must be developed mutually before treading those waters, otherwise you might find yourself with an explosive, but brief friendship that'll hurt like a bitch should it dissolve.

My current best friend and I didn't become besties overnight. We started out as partners on a biology summer project and naturally the conversation drifted. Key word:Naturally. We didn't force our friendship, but just allowed time to figure out that we actually really enjoyed each other's company and that led to a building of trust...and needless to say we tell each other everything lol.

But I didn't start making friends until I put myself out there more...which got easier as I got older. You think you're strange, different, weird? Well, there are many others out there saying "me too" . Sometimes you need to be the one to say "me too".

Totally. Social penetration theory at work! Small talk does serve an actual purpose in developing relationships.

 

[IndigoViolet11]

Come on, get real and talk about something! You are not even talking about anything and I do not understand your tiny tiny whinning! I don't even know what you mean! After that blah blah blah whatever talk! -----

Ok here is the serious part. Be concrete, be bold, and be real, and be Ti and Se. Nobody can get what you mean by saying "... that a squishy thing,". The even worst part is, they will forget instantly, as if the conversation never happened, because even we see the content, most people will not. If you want something, say that YOU want it, and quit making any theories nor remarks thinking that other people will be able to guess what you really are after.

The magic word is I feel, I want, I like, I do not like, I love, I do not at all love, (and put your statement here). I see from forums, including myself, that I can be wordy and so much on the disadvantagous side when it comes to basic expression, but unfortunately we are the aliens, who are in a planet called Earth as a "human being". No matter we like it or not, what we mean must be understood by others, otherwise we will simply be disabled.

You need an ego only to be recognized. At least a sense to others that you have one even you do not in reality.

 

[rmoat]

I actually don't think anyone on the thread was trying to whine. Not really sure who this is directed towards.

However, definitely like the last half of your post. I agree. I think as INFJs when people betray us, we don't feel like talking or making friends immediately. I've gone through that for the past year cutting out the negative and bad in my life.
But definitely have to start talking... even though a typical INFJ does not like "small talk". Cheers!

Come on, get real and talk about something! You are not even talking about anything and I do not understand your tiny tiny whinning! I don't even know what you mean! After that blah blah blah whatever talk! -----

 

[sierra]

I wanted to start a conversation about INFJs making friends with others. Before I fully knew my MBTI type, it would always frustrate me when there was this group of friends, and I really only could connect with one but not the majority of the group. The one friend that I did connect with would always tell me, "The others just don't understand you", "Try to be social tonight, the others think you don't like them because you never talk in the group", and "You just kind of leave everyone and they don't think you like them".

It wasn't until I understood what an INFJ really was, until I started connecting the pieces. It got me thinking about relationships, friendships, and even dating. It made me wonder, are other INFJs like me when it comes to creating relationships? Or am I just really weird?

I often have come off as a snob to others, because no matter what MBTI type people are, I don't make friends by talking (small talk, especially since I don't like small talk, or really know what to say to someone I don't really know). I've also noticed that depending on the person, it can take a very short few weeks to as long as a year for someone to actually get to know me.

I like to say I am an introvert in communication and interaction with people, but I am an extrovert when it comes to physical activities and sports. So basically, talking to me will rarely form a friendship/relationship or a bond. But if you go do something with me, people will see the real me (after some time).

Also, I realized I can go for a very long time without any close friends. Yes, interaction with casual friends is okay, but I've gone up to a year without close friends, and then at one point I get to the point where I really feel like I need a close friend. I don't open up to many people, and most people that could be potential friends are just not even interesting to me (same goes with dating, so many girls that I could date, and yet sometimes there is only 1 in 100 that will stand out to me--guess that's why I am still single).

But then, someone will enter my life (whether it be someone I work with, someone I see at some event on occasion) and I really want to know them. It's like there is something about them that has attracted the INFJ in me. And I will go out of my way to reach out to them (non-typical for me), and I am either excited to be their friend if they are a male, or excited to ask them on a date if they are a girl.
Unfortunately, I also feel that whatever it is about these people that attract me to them, I am very extremely loyal, and know what a true friend is (at least I know how to treat them like they are valued, because I value the friendship) and feel like I get close too fast at times. I've also had some of these close friends betray me, and it takes me a very long time to get over, with mixtures of anger and sadness, even to forgiveness, but still not having the desire to ever be around them again.

Although I feel like I have many friends, I also feel like I don't have any friends at all. Yes, maybe a couple true close friends, but friendships seem to always come and go. Maybe it's because they can't keep up with my INFJ energy? I once had someone I considered my best friend tell me that he was an apple and I was an orange, and that we were too different. It eventually escalated to the ending of our friendship in an abrupt bad ending.

Are any of you INFJs like this? How do you make friends? Have you experienced the same thing? I feel like nobody really understands what it's like to be an INFJ, and yet here is a forum of the only people who probably gets most of this if not all of it.

My whole life, I just felt...Kinda otherworldly. Like I didn't really fit in anywhere. On top of that, I lost all my hair( I'm a female, so that really threw a wrench in things) I've been extremely empathetic all my life as well, but at the same time, I've struggled to explain the way I see the world to other people. I have had a difficult tIme keeping close friends, because I tend to withdraw for weeks or months at a time. I want to connect with other people so badly, but I have such a hard time expressing myself, like there's a cord missing that's supposed to connect my thoughts and my words. Until I found out about the personality types I felt so lost and out of place, and even when I discovered I was an Infj, there was the fact that its a very uncommon type. I felt even more at a loss as to how to connect with people. I can relate to you a ton haha. I'm still learning how to navigate my personality, and youre not weird lol.

 

[rmoat]

Wow, I definitely understand that!
I actually have noticed that the close friends I have kept, are those who don't feel the need to maintain the friendship, and yet can pick up from where we last left. I guess I only have two or so that are like that, but it works perfectly for me. That way, neither of us feel like we have to maintain a friendship, it's just... there, and it's not going away.

I don't think I ever realized how rare INFJs really are. I'm trying to think if I know any. I did come across some type of Introvert... but he won't make contact with any at all. When in a class with him, he wouldn't even take any papers that were being handed around. I guess we all have our own personalities.

Great to hear from other INFJs who just.. get it. I am sorry that you've had a struggle. I understand the want to connect with other people, but then not being able to communicate. I would rather write, than talk.

My whole life, I just felt...Kinda otherworldly. Like I didn't really fit in anywhere. On top of that, I lost all my hair( I'm a female, so that really threw a wrench in things) I've been extremely empathetic all my life as well, but at the same time, I've struggled to explain the way I see the world to other people. I have had a difficult tIme keeping close friends, because I tend to withdraw for weeks or months at a time. I want to connect with other people so badly, but I have such a hard time expressing myself, like there's a cord missing that's supposed to connect my thoughts and my words. Until I found out about the personality types I felt so lost and out of place, and even when I discovered I was an Infj, there was the fact that its a very uncommon type. I felt even more at a loss as to how to connect with people. I can relate to you a ton haha. I'm still learning how to navigate my personality, and youre not weird lol.

 

[t56hg2bv]

I don't think we were built to be the life of the party but what we have going for us is an innate ability to know what will happen before it happens. This is especially true for environment in which we have become more acclimated.

I think some of my closest friends have been those that are extroverted and sensory. They are floating around and setting a tone for the world and it seems foreign to most of us. But these types of people are capable of pulling out our Se inferior function. It doesn't usually come out until 30s - 40s, so don't feel bad if you still feel a bit awkward at times in crowds. These ESxx types sometimes want someone who is deep because they are generally surrounded by their type droning on about the same stuff. So it becomes symbiotic and exciting because both are getting what they need.

Don't get me wrong, I love INxx discussions and depth, but if you surround yourself with about 3 or 4 ES types then you'll be the coach with the team surrounding you. They will come in to touch base, get what they need, then back out on their mission. It still takes work but its a great feeling to be diversified and seeing more of the world through different eyes.

 

[Pin]

We've all got to get active. The closer we as people are to becoming great, the more people who want our friendship, our love, and our attention.

Find something that you are good at or get good at something then work like hell to be the best at it.

 

[sierra]

Wow, I definitely understand that!
I actually have noticed that the close friends I have kept, are those who don't feel the need to maintain the friendship, and yet can pick up from where we last left. I guess I only have two or so that are like that, but it works perfectly for me. That way, neither of us feel like we have to maintain a friendship, it's just... there, and it's not going away.

I don't think I ever realized how rare INFJs really are. I'm trying to think if I know any. I did come across some type of Introvert... but he won't make contact with any at all. When in a class with him, he wouldn't even take any papers that were being handed around. I guess we all have our own personalities.

Great to hear from other INFJs who just.. get it. I am sorry that you've had a struggle. I understand the want to connect with other people, but then not being able to communicate. I would rather write, than talk.

haha, me too. In the last couple years I've filled like five journals cover to cover. it would be so much easier if it was acceptable to relpy to everything via text haha

 

[SilentStrength]

Hi! Im new to the forum. Guess why I am here? I am having a hard time connecting to others in life right now. I feel like I keep trying and trying and my efforts are for not. I don't want to connect with people at work in the way I need to connect to people because I have done that before and got horribly burned. Im trying to add friends in other circles too but have been struggling to find the emotional energy (more on that some other time).

More than all that I feel like every time I have hope I've made a new friend that won't go anywhere they just let me down.

I know exactly how you feel. I know LOTS of people, but they all know the stage me. There is no one right now in my life that goes back stage and sees the beautiful mess that is the depths of my heart and mind. So here I sit, reaching out to anyone I can. Hoping to find some people I can do life with, waiting for fate to send them my way.

 

[rmoat]

SilentStrength, welcome! I first came here just a little over two years ago during the times I was having some difficulties with some relationships and friendships. It was when I first found out that I was an INFJ; however, the following two years I had disappeared.
I was dealing with the fact that I worked very hard to gain a circle of trusted friends, going out of my way, and always being the one initiating it. But then I realized, friendships shouldn't be that way. We shouldn't have to do everything.
So I sort of just let everything fall where it may, and if friendships fell apart (which they did), then I'd know it wasn't a friendship meant for me. I had a lot of people that had come to expect that I would do all the work, and when I stopped, they asked if something was wrong, and they thought I didn't like them anymore. That was hardly even close to the truth. I just got tired of one-way-friendships.

Now fast forward to now, after going through that two year period where I did a relationship/friend quiz, I finally have felt that it would be nice to have a good friend. I've realized that friends that are compatible with us come along, but it is also a risk for us to reach out and find out if that's the truth.

I went out of my comfort zone a month ago to reach out to someone, that I thought might click with me. Up until yesterday, I thought it might have been in vain. But this is one of the first times persistence, yet not over doing it, has successfully formed a friendship as of last night that I look forward to.

Regardless, there are many here who understand what you mean, including me, and hope that you can find friends here amongst all of us. I am sure you will, and am glad you're here.

Thanks for your message, and keep being you!

Hi! Im new to the forum. Guess why I am here? I am having a hard time connecting to others in life right now. I feel like I keep trying and trying and my efforts are for not. I don't want to connect with people at work in the way I need to connect to people because I have done that before and got horribly burned. Im trying to add friends in other circles too but have been struggling to find the emotional energy (more on that some other time).

More than all that I feel like every time I have hope I've made a new friend that won't go anywhere they just let me down.
I know exactly how you feel. I know LOTS of people, but they all know the stage me. There is no one right now in my life that goes back stage and sees the beautiful mess that is the depths of my heart and mind. So here I sit, reaching out to anyone I can. Hoping to find some people I can do life with, waiting for fate to send them my way.

 

[rmoat]

Okay, sometimes I really think this forum could use the "Edit" feature. Someone must have been talking to me, because I have no idea where the word quiz came from when I wrote: "relationship/friend quiz".

What I mean is, fast forward to now (two years later after initially joining INFJs.com forum), after going through the period where I let my relationships fall where they may (and most of them ended, because it was only myself doing the work), and being a little upset, I had finally gotten to the point where I am ready to reach out again (and have).

Friends will come. It may be 1 in 100, but it is worth it to keep reaching out when you do find someone that catches your attention. For me, it's rare that happens, but when someone catches my attention, I can either ignore it or investigate further.

Now fast forward to now, after going through that two year period where I did a relationship/friend quiz

 

[Mfj8LaH546rfr]

I actually don't think anyone on the thread was trying to whine. Not really sure who this is directed towards.

However, definitely like the last half of your post. I agree. I think as INFJs when people betray us, we don't feel like talking or making friends immediately. I've gone through that for the past year cutting out the negative and bad in my life.
But definitely have to start talking... even though a typical INFJ does not like "small talk". Cheers!

I think INFJs tend to be more spiritually awake or aware compared to the majority of the population who has an inability to meet us in that state. It’s like walking among zombies. So there’s an added connection problem of, do I even want a friendship with someone who may always be half blind, deaf and mute? It’s a matter of a lack of options rather than ability.