Loving yourself.

Wow... this is hard. I just DO. I shall try and come up with an answer, because if I learn to teach this skill, I'd be the best self-love teacher EVER!

 

When you figure out the secret to loving the self..you should enlighten ALL of us! lol! I know personally this is a BIG issue...everyone and everything will always come before me!

 

Screw everyone else. Settle your first two needs on the hierarchy of needs (maslows was for NF's, so that should work for you), and THEN deal with everyone else. YOU'RE the most important one for you, everyone has that attitude, so you're silly not to have it too.

 

ok, I'll move this along a little... I'm in the mood to write anyway. I'd kinda forgotten about this thread, but I literally just got done talking with one of my friends about (basically) this. I've spent a tremendous amount of time in self-reflection over the past 5 or so years... probably past the point of what's healthy. It was at the point where if I had nothing to do (I was only in high school, which was very easy for me, or else it was the summer... so this was quite often) I would lay around, throw on some music, and see what came through my mind, rather than watching tv or surfing online or whatever.

In very general terms, I think the key to becoming "ok" with yourself can be broken down into a few (difficult) steps. First, find out what you really think you should live for... is it for God? To help other people? Or do you just want your own happiness? I think this answer can be broken into two major categories... either living for your happiness in itself, or living for something else which will bring you happiness. Then start breaking it down... if you ought to live for some other reason than yourself, what is it? If you're living for God, what is his character? Why were you made? What purpose does he have for you? If it's for other people, how can you go about benefiting them? Are you just looking to keep them happy? Do you want what's good for them, whether they want it themselves? Then what's "the best thing" for others? Does the answer to that, too, come from a God, or do they choose it for themselves, or do you trust your own foresight to help them avoid future problems (because after all, people often choose what's bad for them)? If there's any reason you think you should live besides your own happiness, it's almost by definition the thing that will bring you happiness. If you try to breathe underwater you choke, and if you try to walk through a wall you'll bounce off of it... so why would acting "out of step" with reality bring anything but pain? If you do what you should, that natural law--that ignoring reality brings harm and only playing by its rules will keep you safe--will bring you satisfaction..

If, on the other hand, you think the reason you should live is specifically to be happy, what would make you happy? Having the stuff you want? A relationship with someone close enough that you can trust each other completely? Security in life? Respect? Then keep asking the questions... how can I best get to my goal? I honestly don't have much to say about this category because I landed in the other camp... but by appealing to the "ignoring reality brings pain" rule, you can pretty much test these things if you really think you have one. Has having what you wanted in the past brought satisfaction, or does it just seem to increase "that hole" inside that we call "want"? Do the people you've trusted completely make you complete, or is more than trust necessary for a close relationship?


The time and care answering these questions honestly and finding out why, exactly, you're living is huge. You need to think about it until you're sure of your answer... and if you answer wrong and realize it later, reevaluate it (thinking through all this can be pretty horrible for a while... everyone is ugly inside, but it's worth even a time of depression, in my opinion, to find the truth). Then... at least in my experience... it starts to seem like you're fortified against the world. Even the most harmful, hurtful things that happen just seem to glaze over, because you can either go "*shrug*... that sucks, but at least it's not my reason for living," or else the experience just gets added to the lessons learned ("oh... yeah, that was definitely not a good way to go about my goal..." (also warning here... that can hurt a lot too) or "wow... that actually did hurt, even though it shouldn't have if I really wanted what I thought I did. I wonder if that's not what I really wanted to begin with...").

This is probably so open-ended it makes the J in you scream out for closure... but I don't know what else to say. I found my answers "quickly" (5 years in the grand scheme of things, especially this early in life, isn't bad at all), and they're standing up pretty well against events that seem like they should be emotionally crippling. Granted that could just be to a very weak Fe, but I can say with certainly that I'm not hiding from my feelings, because I (more or less... I guess this was the third level of importance for me) decided that to be content, I would have to seek the truth, always (like I said when I got here, I want to understand feeling better).

Sadly I can't speed up time, live a life, and come back and be like "it works!" ...but it seems to be working out so far.

 

It's an interesting topic. Funnily enough, I think I have my answers (I'm pretty positive about it), yet that doesn't necessarily solve the self love problem for me. It has made me stronger, you are right, because my thoughts and actions are fixed towards it, and it's like an anchor in a way.

But then I often doubt about the way to go about it, and whether I can achieve it or not. I know I have it in me, but will I be able to touch people the way I want to touch them? I think if I do absolutely everything I can to reach my goal I can probably make it, though there are independant factors (society, blablala).

But to do it, I will need to go through a lot of self trials, to bring the best out of myself - I will need to learn to accept myself the way I am, to believe completely in my strenghts, and to work a HUGE deal on my weaknesses. Which is when the self doubt comes in. It's almost as if the goal revealed all the important issues I would more easily not face, because they're fundamental ones, the hardest to solve.

So in my own case what you write about isn't the shield itself, it is the plan for the shield. If I manage to build it then yes I will feel at peace with myself, self accepting, loving, etc. But it's a lifetime's plan...

---

otherwise, as far as loving myself in a more general sense, I'm much better than I was a few years ago (which makes sense since I'm 21)... I think finding people who understand me thoroughly and appreciate what makes me who I am has helped a lot. It's true confidence also comes from realization. When people validate your own, special abilities, and appreciate the help or whatever it brings them.

I think everyone is lost, lonely, sad at some point... Even ENTPs :mrgreen: . And those moments can teach you so much about what makes you yourself. Strenghts and weaknesses are highly intangled in my opinion. Don't we learn more when we feel bad than when we feel good (not sure about that, what do you think?)?

 

Oh sure, that's when the "screw everyone else" is said in anger.

I've been sad and lonely quite a few times in my life, but I've never loved myself any less for it. I tend not to compromise on my main principle "If the rule HAS to exist, and it HAS to be applied to me, then it HAS to exist across the board, for EVERYONE, No Exceptions". First time I remember losing a great deal of friends was because I punched a girl down in primary school for cheating, and it was so blatant with noone else caring. I just retreated to the libraries of the world. Many things like that have happened, it just makes me stronger in my convictions, and the friends I get due to those convictions tend to be quality ones.

 

Oy... the one thing I also feel like I have to mention is to be very, very careful about trusting yourself. There may be some people who can do it... I don't know. It's worth making special note of because if you rely on yourself to get to you goal and fail (which after talking to a bunch of different people, I'm nearly positive you will), it's so likely you'll spin into a nasty depression.

...er... you know... so I've heard..... *shifty eyes*

 

nah, the trick is to be honest with yourself, even if, with noone else. and then readjust your goals, and attempt to fix or redo.

 

could you develop? I think I get the idea of what you're talking about but I...

non-native here (good excuse :mrgreen: )

 

...you're definitely right, although being honest with yourself also tends to end sadly... but at least it's a helpful sadness. There's nothing wrong with sadness or depression or anger... it's just a question of what's causing it. Maybe other people just have more constitution than me, but you can only "attempt to fix and redo" so many times before you collapse and have to reexamine your goals. Eventually I just cornered myself into "well... I'm sure that this is, in fact, what I want, and I've given everything I can do to get it, but by trying I end up farther from my goal than when I started." The only explanation is "I'm just incapable." The day I realized that is the day things started looking up considerably.

I'm strongly reminded of the line from fight club, "only when you've lost everything are you free to do absolutely anything" (or something along those lines). So yeah I agree... being honest with yourself quickly kills the hope that you can actually achieve your goals, which hurts a lot for a little while... but after you get over it it feels spectacular.

edit: oh sorry shaz, I missed your post while I was typing this one I think. er... did that answer your question at all, or were you looking for something else?

 

I have only just begun to accept myself. Loving myself still seems impossible - at least when it comes to loving how I am with other people. That's the odd thing - I love myself when I'm alone, and I don't mean (!). You know, it's like when you see those documentaries or movies about people in prison, they're like, "Okay, we're going to punish you in the worst way possible: solitary confinement - the loneliest place that makes even the toughest men scream. See, I never understood that. I've always enjoyed my own company. I especially like traveling alone, doing my own sightseeing, going to the movies by myself. I don't care for myself in relationships. I always feel like I'm being judged - like I'm doing everything wrong, because I do everything different. I have my own ways about things - partly because I'm compensating for lacking in certain basic skills, like knowing where my wallet is, or picking a career and staying with it, or finishing my education. When it comes to jobs, I impress people right away with my intelligence and communication skills. I am able to convince my employers that I am indispensable within a few weeks, but eventually, my absent-mindedness catches up with me and I forget something important. I have to be shown a task again. I'm late for work because I can't find my car keys. Recently, I've started telling the truth about myself - that I am functionally impaired. In the past, people knew I wasn't stupid, so they assumed that I just didn't care - how else could I screw up such simple things? I hope that being more honest about myself will help me toward loving myself.

 

I guess you did in a way. It's probably just hard for me to relate to it because I haven't yet experienced the type of failure you describe. My problem has always been to be able to trust myself at all, and so I didn't really understand why you said it was a dangerous thing... Because for me the dangerous thing was not to trust yourself. But with your details I think I can imagine where the danger is, more or less - though what I don't get now is why the enlightening part comes after you've failed miserably at everything, and how it comes... I mean, what it is.

 

I do love myself at the core. The only times in my life where I felt the love diminishing was when I wasn't loving other people. I need to love others and appreciate them in order to love myself.

 

Yeah, I think I'm also that way. It feels a violation of my own character not to love others, at least, not to demonstrate that, like it's an act of self-hatred. Which then turns into a sort of self-hatred.

 

I hate that self hatred feeling. It doesn't do any good and it just feels so, so wrong.

 

I agree 100% this could have come out of my mouth I just wish I knew how to turn it off!!

 

Argh, exactly! I have self-acceptance but zero self-confidence. All my self-doubt regards external pursuits-- relationships, my ability to help people... internal acceptance/validation is incomplete.

It can seem like I don't love myself because I project my own self-standards onto others and convince myself I'm not enough for anyone even though I am for me. This holds me back from reaching out and getting to know people I would like to be friends with.

Like sumone said, "I do love myself at the core" and my core is most in its element when I'm alone; free of judgement, expectations and conditional love, where there is no opposition to personal honesty.

If no one else will care to get to know me, I won't ever betray myself. Guess there's where the sensitivity to criticism comes in, I think I'm hard enough on myself.

 

Lately I can't seem to tap into this self-love source. I suppose it has to do with the way I take criticism personally to a very unhealthy degree. I also unfairly compare myself to others. I don't feel like I measure up, which then leads to the rise of already insurmountable goals.

Truthfully, since I moved in 3rd grade, I have not had one, true, stable, best friend. No one calls me their number one. I wish I didn't care about this, but this somehow really depresses me. I hate to feel desolation or like a fifth wheel.

I have come to realize that the only way I can combat this emotion is to find a way to love myself. I wish I didn't overcomplicate things, because Shai has literally spelled it out as if it were a mathematical function.