Long-term Crushes | INFJ Forum

Long-term Crushes

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Scientia, Jul 20, 2015.

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  1. Just an attraction

    9 vote(s)
    30.0%
  2. Love

    5 vote(s)
    16.7%
  3. Obsession

    14 vote(s)
    46.7%
  4. Fear of rejection

    13 vote(s)
    43.3%
  5. Refusal to see reality

    15 vote(s)
    50.0%
  6. Something else (please explain)

    4 vote(s)
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  1. Scientia

    Scientia A true lady

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    Have you had a crush or has someone had a crush on you for an extended period of time?



    How long is too long to hold onto a crush?

    If a crush goes on for years, is it still a crush or is it something else?
     
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  2. thirdhalf

    thirdhalf nobody special
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    I have only had a crush on two people in my life and I could definitely see having a crush for a long time should the circumstances happen that way (but hasn't happened yet). If someone had a crush on me for an extended period of time I never heard about it or noticed.


    At the point that it starts negatively affecting your life I would say it might be too long. At some point you either have to move forward or move on, getting caught by never ending longing with no hope of obtaining what you are longing for can be very emotionally draining.


    Maybe obsession. Maybe fear of rejection preventing you from voicing it. Or maybe you did voice it and the other party isn't interested. At some point a crush needs a resolution otherwise you waste years of other opportunities.
     
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    #2 thirdhalf, Jul 20, 2015
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  3. SpecialEdition

    SpecialEdition #nofilter
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    Have you had a crush or has someone had a crush on you for an extended period of time?
    Both

    How long is too long to hold onto a crush?
    That depends on the closeness of the relationship and the magnitude of the crush. If you are acquaintances and have a crush on someone I think it is acceptable for it to last a bit longer as it takes much longer for each party to get to know each other. There is sometimes not a lot of opportunity for the crush to be accepted or rejected and it's usually not serious.

    If the crush is on someone you know very well and nothing is done about it within a few months I think it borders on being too long. Action has to be taken at some point.

    If a crush goes on for years, is it still a crush or is it something else?
    If you are crushing on someone you are close to over many years it means you have deluded yourself into believing that the crush is going to evolve into something else when it never will. It means you do not see other people or opportunities. It means you continue to be romantically invested in said person and never give yourself the chance to connect with a different person. It's also unfair to the friendship because your entire purpose for being in that friendship becomes less about the friend and more about what you want from it. All of your thoughts and actions are warped by your romantic feelings and it becomes deceptive, ESPECIALLY if you do not reveal your feelings to that person.

    If you are crushing on an acquaintance I sort of compare that to having a crush on a celebrity. It's innocent enough until you become a stalker and know everything about that person but they know nothing about you lol.
     
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  4. OP
    Scientia

    Scientia A true lady

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    Have you had a crush or has someone had a crush on you for an extended period of time?
    I have never held a crush longer than months without finding out if it would evolve. I have been crushed on for many years.

    How long is too long to hold onto a crush?
    I think that depends on the severity of the crush and the closeness of the relationship but I don't really know.

    If a crush goes on for years, is it still a crush or is it something else?
    I think it is mostly a lack of being in touch with reality but perhaps there are better explanations.
     
    #4 Scientia, Jul 20, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2015
  5. thirdhalf

    thirdhalf nobody special
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    Fear and/or lack of emotional maturity could possibly have some play in it. To want something more then a crush it usually requires at least a little bit of effort to clear the hurdle into the next step or accept that it won't happen and move on. Having a crush for a long time while not acting on it is in a lot of ways idolizing the possibility without considering reality out of fear. Then some people are just crazy and stalker like and that is a whole different set of issues. Sometimes it might just be a case of having a crush but not wanting it bad enough to ever act on it.
     
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    #5 thirdhalf, Jul 20, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2015
  6. Misadventure

    Misadventure butt fros and asian purrs

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    Anything more than a year I would say is one of two things. Love or obsession.
     
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  7. OP
    Scientia

    Scientia A true lady

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    What makes it last for so long, though? Why don't they eventually lose interest?
     
  8. SpecialEdition

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    A crush usually revolves around a fantasy of what things could be like if only the other party would reciprocate. I would argue that some people have a very hard time letting go of their fantasies and delusions. Crushes usually are centered on false hope. It's like being a tiny anchor attached to a huge ship: the crush continues to move forward and you just float around in its wake, always failing to connect with the ground.

    Also, on a fundamental level it is a lack of respect for the person they are crushing on in the sense that they do not accept that the other person does not feel the same way and may not ever feel the same way. It is thinking that there is something so special about you that your crush might FINALLY notice it, but they just haven't quite noticed it yet! But they will! No. They won't.

    So yeah... fantasy, delusion, false hope, lack of respect for the other person and at some level lack of respect for one's self.
     
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  9. ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc

    ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc Well-known member

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    "they" lol
     
  10. thirdhalf

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    I think it is important to separate out love and having a crush. For love it can be completely possible and healthy for it to continue indefinitely in a completely platonic way long after a crush on somebody disappears, loving your friend as a friend and loving the relationship for exactly what it is. A crush implies a wanting and longing for more, the hopes and dreams that a romantic love and relationship will form. The problem comes from when the person with a crush actually falls in love with either the idea of a relationship with the person or in love with that person themselves and can't let it go or move on in the face of the fact that the other person is just not interested. Could be desperation/obsession, immaturity, or possibly even being more into the idea of love then actual love itself. For some people the fantasy is much stronger then reality which can get stuck in a feedback loop of always fantasizing and never acting. But a relationship requires that both parties want to be in it, without that there is no relationship.

    It probably doesn't help that media and culture somewhat glamorizes the "love in the face of" idealism where one party goes through extraordinary effort in spite of reality that says the relationship is not likely but in the end to win him/her over. It makes for entertaining and heart throbbing stories for sure, but also glamorizes the idea of holding out and eventually winning the other person over. In reality most healthy relationships are formed between two people that both want to be in the relationship at the same time. Might be a on/off again type of thing before it sticks, might be a love at first sight, or friends that became more. Two people committing to be in a relationship for any reason and committing to improving and working on developing it. I will not discount the possibility of it, but it does not seem as likely for a healthy long term relationship to form from a case where it took somebody with a crush a whole bunch of effort and time to convince the other person of their love and win them over. If two people have a want to be together they will be, but it really takes both people.

    It is completely unfair to both people in the situation of a long term crush. One of two options exist, either the person with a crush never told the other person about their feelings or the other person knows but isn't interested, both ways being unfair to both people but mainly being unfair to the crushee. In one case they are completely in the dark and thus have no opportunity to act upon and respond to the interest of the other person (the person with a crush is probably just sitting there hoping that magically the feelings happen mutually and both will blurt out their feelings at the same time), in the other case the crushee has a person that is in love with them that they don't feel the same about, its a burden and an annoyance. It is ruining what could be a friendship for the long term hope that maybe the other person will eventually change their mind. Because they have to eventually, right? Yea, probably not after the person with a crush makes a fool out of themselves for years.

    "so long" is a subjective length and differs for everybody, some it might be weeks but others it might be a year. Once it lasts beyond that point in time I can think of no healthy reason, either move on or at the very least drop it with the potential to revisit it at a future date. Everybody has their own right to do as they please, if they want to continue crushing on somebody for years and years on end it is their choice to do so...but it should be done alone so that it no longer affects and drags down the person they have a crush on. If you find somebody that does hold onto their crush past that subjective 'healthy' amount of time, chances are that it isn't going to be very productive to finding happiness in life.
     
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  11. Free

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    It could be something as simple as an unrequited love situation. Although that isn't simple at all...

    Let's say a married man has a platonic friendship with a woman. That woman ends up falling deeply in love with him. But out of respect for his marriage, and to avoid potential tragedy and lives ruined, she keeps it to herself and heartbreakingly loves him from afar. What she feels could be so much more than a crush. Just because you love someone, that doesn't mean they will love you back. That could go on for years, indeed. Especially if she's a feeler, lol.
     
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  12. Solongo

    Solongo Well-known member

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    long term crush could be an infatuation that the person cannot shake off. could last very short time to very long time. then again; it could be love...or the recognition that perhaps you know and loved this person in a prior lifetime. also depends; crushes for teens and adolscents are entirely different for crushes for older and mature people.
     
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    Scientia

    Scientia A true lady

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    This is interesting. I never thought of it that way but you are right.
     
  14. OP
    Scientia

    Scientia A true lady

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    Unfortunately, yes.
     
  15. PintoBean

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    Yes, I worked in a bar when I was in law school and I had a super crush on one of the regular patrons.

    About 7 years including the duration of the affair.

    I'm really not sure at the time, I thought it had morphed from crush to love after consummation of the crush. It may have been love, but I never really understood this person, so can you love someone if you don't understand them? Years later, I got a better grasp on this person, and while I still appreciated aspects of his character it was certainly not love and probably never would have been crush either. Damn, but I was hot for him!
     
  16. OP
    Scientia

    Scientia A true lady

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    This made me realize that I have never gotten together with a crush. I thought that was weird. I have either had crushes that changed into friendship after a few months or I didn't think about them at all anymore after seeing something in them that killed the crush.
     
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  17. thirdhalf

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    I think that most crushes that have potential and are happening at a time that works for both parties will tend to progress beyond a crush at a reasonable speed into a relationship or eventually fizzle. If two people like each other typically a relationship either happens or doesn't happen. A long term crush is almost the same thing as unrequited love or infatuation, one party is interested and the other one is not or alternatively the crush is kept secret and the other party is clueless. It is pretty much wishing and hoping for the idea of love and a relationship without realizing the actualization of it.
     
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    #17 thirdhalf, Jul 27, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2015
  18. Angela

    Angela Community Member

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    I'll be honest.

    I have a few crushes that I have had 15 years or more. The situation with these particular few (and makes more sense after finding out my personality, and my need for a perfect relationship), 1 we will call him J.T. and 2 we will call him C.R.

    J.T. and I had our little fling when we were still both virgins, we actually almost lost it to one another, but his mother walked in right before. Embarrassing. Something that still comes to mind every single time him and I talk. He remembers it, I remember it. Also he lost his path on Drugs and Alcohol, and i cannot bring myself to accept that even though he's clean, he is still the teenage boy I remember. But his looks, his eyes, his lips, his teeth, his height, his build, is what I always look for in a man. So physically he's perfect, he's had some other issues. Maybe this borderlines on obsession.

    C.R. came a few years later. He has the height of J.T. has the same straight pearly whites, piercing blue eyes. Again, we were in the middle of a fling, which never reached a point of sexuality, physicality yes, but never that extra bit. He moved away with his family, and I ran into him the beginning of this year. He just moved back to Colorado, and we recognized each other immediately and began reminiscing. I was open and available to us maybe starting something, but then he pulled back, and hasnt spoke to me recently. He has actually started talking to a friend of mine ( a friend i need to walk away from because she always goes after the guys i like) and now i feel that if the opportunity ever does arise in the future, i will reject him, because he talked to her.
     
  19. thirdhalf

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    ..You indirectly bring up a good point. You have had long term crushes but they didn't seem to get in the way of pursuing other love interests (going by your age these two crushes were happening concurrently). In this context a crush does not seem like a bad thing at all to have in comparison to the pin-point focus of some peoples crushes where nobody else including the world exists outside of that one singular crush.
     
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  20. say what

    say what I like soft things...so soft!

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    I think that people might mistake an attraction (but no desire to pursue that attraction) as a crush - where it's more just a recognition of attraction and chemistry.
     
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