ISTP infidelity on INFJ spouse...HELP!

Checking her phone and email is a no go, you seem to have trust issues you have work out, which is natural considering the circumstances.

You have to learn to trust her again, and she needs show she can be trusted

 

I wonder why he has trust issues.

No, seriously, I think you are right to do all those things Vegas, imo I'd never trust her again, but at the same time wouldn't be able to leave her.
But I don't have any advice, sorry :/

 

Don't pretend. If you forgive her and want to work it out don't pretend to be aloof and uncaring. It's probably what got you in trouble in the first place (not that she isn't at fault, she totally is). Enjoy the dating.

Just because you forgive her doesn't mean you need to forget it all. She has shown that she wants you back (lie detection test), but if you need to check her emails and phone for the next year, that's up to you. She screwed up and she needs to do whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable again. It takes time to build trust.

 

I am SO sorry to hear that this happened to you.

(Disclaimer: I'm a novice at MBTI and no kind of therapist, but I would like to help)

I know kids and careers can be so hard on relationships, simply spending more time together is a positive first step.

I do not know how you can rebuild that trust once she's shattered it. I admire you for even trying; obviously she will always be the mother of your children so you should try but it is a hard, hard thing. You've got my sympathy.

Hearing (reading) you say you need to scale back your intensity and you fear she will be like "Just get over it already!" makes me think she doesn't place much importance on your feelings and comfort. I think she is the one who needs to be kissing your ass 24/7, not the other way around. You say this only happened a few weeks ago? Way too fresh wounds.

Maybe you should take a few steps back; not to "light her fire" but to gain a little perspective and focus on yourself a bit. Can you take your kids on a vacation or something? Without her? Let her have that space if she wants it. And as far as expecting so much from her, I think you are entitled to expect fidelity. Presumably she promised it.

I don't know how an ISTP woman would see this or what the official psychologist line would be, this is my real and unprofessional opinion. And again I am so sorry that happened, you sound really nice and you deserver much, much better.

P.S. I just re-read my post and realized that I told you spending more time together was a good idea and then told you to take your kids on a vacation without her. Ignore me, I know nothing. You have my sympathy man.

 

Oh. Well, she needs to get over that. Eventually you'll stop needing to check up on her. That's what she wants, right?

 

I think that only you are the right person to make this decision.
I have a negative perception on relations, so you probably don't want to take my advice.
If you are able to forgive her, and really, if you are, than I admire you.
Because to me that'd be hard, but since you've been in a relationship with her for 10 years..
What do you have to lose if you try to continue your relation?
If you do this, then at least you tried. But make sure you've talked everything through so you won't hold any grudges.

 

My bf is ISTP too, I find that when things have happened in the past with us, it has usually been to do with his lack of empathy and sensitivity towards me. Trust has been compromised as well between us, and we were apart for 3 months before he bugged and bugged me to take him back again the beginning of sept.

I remember thinking and feeling that it was without saying that he should have been the one to kiss ass 24/7, but he veiwed that concept as unnecessary and a definite "no way" issue. I felt my feelings were never validated, considered, respected or even heard. Empathy simply does not come easy to him, and I gather it doesn't come easy to your partner either. She perhaps has guilt which she is struggling with and when you check her emails etc, she feels the pressure of your pain and feels agitated by it being brought up again when she wasn't thinking about it. She was wrong. It was good of her however to tell u that it happened, but even then, it never should have happened.

Never loose track of what you seek out in a relationship. That being the depth, intimacy, spirituality and the thrill of having a soulmate. I think I can relate to you in the time span of which u speak of... I was in a state of shock in the first month, I felt I would do anything and stay relaxed and loving etc. but as the time went by and it felt like he wasn't giving the same effort to connect as I was, even after the fact of his betrayal was towards me, I began to cool off inside and my feelings began to change toward him. This scared me just as much, yet also provided me with some relief from the grief.

I hope you find some sort of resolve. I hope she begins to honor your worth by acknowledging your pain and rage and does whatever she can to make it up to you. She should not be lazy in her affection towards you. Defensive manuvers suggests she is putting herself into a victim role and knows that you will be there for her when she cannot be there for herself to manage her own thoughts and emotions. ( I am suggesting this), as my bf is the same way himself.

It's been about 6 weeks since we have reconnected and I still don't trust him completely. I remember when I finally ended it back the end of may, I felt huge relief that I never had to wonder and not trust again. The relief was so much so, that I knew what had happened to me was so crushing to my sensitivity that I was better off alone. (of which I was used to being anyway). Rejection can come in many forms, but no matter the situation, it's always the same level of pain when someone disappoints you. Trust is never easy for any type, especially if you're INFJ. Trust doesn't come easy for us anyways, I am SOOOO sorry this happened to you. I empathize with you completly and can relate. *hugs*

 

Oooooohhhhhh! I see. That makes a little more sense. (I was wondering where all the "critical" came in. You didn't sound all that critical.)

Well, I still think she was in the wrong.

But, I'm here to tell you, bro, even for those of us who are domestically inclined, the housewife/mother thing is apallingly difficult sometimes, especially with little bitty children around. I've tried both, and I can honestly tell you, being a working mom is easier than being the perfect housewife/mother. And it is 100% absolutely impossible to explain why to someone who has never experienced it, on the heels of a couple of pregnancies, which are no picnics in and of themselves.

I bet she loved the attention at work, poor thing, after three pregnancies, weight loss, and all that gravity can do to a woman, she was probably just shocked speechless at first. Maybe that impaired her judgement. (totally guessing here.)

I don't know... I hope you guys can work it out. Mutual respect is a great place to start.

 

Ohkeyy, where do I begin... First of all your writing style, reasoning and your actions taken hunch me that you're INFP But that's just for your reference.

As for the matter at hand the situation seems bad. And I do not think your current actions help to improve it. My outlook on your questions:

1. What I see is that you intend to trick her into loving you using some psychology. I honestly don't see how can it lead to happiness in the long run. The hard truth is - you cannot force people to honestly love you. Your wife loved you in the past not for some trickery but for who you were. And just look at yourself now - you're scheming against her. I can't believe you do marriage therapy with such an attitude.
2. same as number 1.
3. checking her and being obsessive does not help things - you're slowly destroying what's left of your relationship. Trust is important. Even if she betrayed you it's not a reason enough to lower yourself to such methods.
4. speaking your mind (what's really bothering you) will create trust and that can help to develop real feelings.
5. as for good time ideas - you'll have to think something on your own Remember the good times, the start of your relationship. Maybe you have stopped doing something that was really romantic for your wife then? Women value little things.

 

Quite an experience. My best Ria.

 

I'm sorry I haven't read all the replies so hopefully I won't be just repeating what someone else might have said.
Personally I would suggest an overall chill out. Don't try, just be. Don't be overly anything because it might come across as suffocating.
It'll be hard but I think the checking up needs to stop.
I hope everything works out. You sound like a wonderful person.
Does she still work with this guy?

 

She may have been going through inner turmoil, which happens in every marriage and this guy might have come along at a time she was vulnerable. I remember when it dawned on me that I wasn't 'in' love with my husband anymore. It hurt me deeply and I was saddened. But over time I had those in love moments back - it's just not a current that runs in the background anymore. When I came to terms with that I found that I still loved him and the love was real. I'm glad I didn't panic when that happened but just worked through it. It's worth it.

 

I would have dumped him immediately after he didn't perform those actions.
The onus is on the one in the wrong to rectify matters.