ISTP infidelity on INFJ spouse...HELP!

[entity]

Thank you... did you go back to your partner?
I know you're right, the hard part is that I have developed a bit of a problem with trusting my feelings... at the moment I'm in a no-man's land, going through the motions but unhappy about potentially missing life moments that won't be back.

 

[Solar Empath]

Thank you... did you go back to your partner?
I know you're right, the hard part is that I have developed a bit of a problem with trusting my feelings... at the moment I'm in a no-man's land, going through the motions but unhappy about potentially missing life moments that won't be back.

No. I was told a few weeks after I found out about it that if I couldn't forgive her and let it go that it was over. So it was over.

He did wrong. He's responsible for working to set it right emotionally. And from what I understand it could take more than a year. You have to work too of course.

Only you can know if he can earn back your trust. Good luck.

 

[myst]

I just read this thread again. Hope you're okay Entity.

I haven't been in this situation where someone cheated and wanted to stay with me. And I don't have kids. My Dad did something similar with my Mom. I think she felt like she had to stay for financial reasons. She finally left him when I was in high school. I guess especially with little kids who need someone who has time to take care of them it is pretty difficult. I'm not sure I would do the same thing if I was her, but I'm not her. I might do the same thing while the kids were little, I don't know.

 

[entity]

Thanks Myst... May I ask how you felt about your parents separating when you were at high school? Did you realise that there were problems when you were growing up or did they manage to shelter you?
My own parents have separated twice, once when I was 5 and again when I was 15. They both started new relationships each time but each separation lasted only 6 months before they got back together - probably largely because of us kids. I always felt very unsettled, not knowing if I was coming or going... but my parents are extroverts and quite different to me. I certainly don't wish to create instability for my children though, it was worse than cutting it clean - although I haven't experienced that entirely. Yes, the initial separation was due to my father's infidelity and I swore it would never happen to me... ah, that innocence that comes with an idealistic attitude...
I'd be interested in your thoughts, Thanks again for replying

 

[myst]

Hi Entity,
My parents mostly continued living together until I was in high school. My Dad moved out briefly twice. I kept going to the same school and living in the same place, so I didn't have that upheaval until high school.

My Dad didn't shelter me... he thought he should be honest with me (typical ISTP trait) and told me too much about his relationships when I was young. He said he thought my Mom kind of knew but didn't really want to know, so I didn't have to say anything to her unless she asked. I believed him. I recently realized this may have had to do with why my Mom got angry at me sometimes when I was a kid. By the time I got to high school, I was ready for them to separate. I am glad it didn't come as a sudden shock. I think that would have been harder for me. I think it's good you aren't telling your kids too much information though.

I am sorry your partner is doing this. I'm dating an ISTP now too. I think I was attracted to him partly because he has some of the good qualities I learned to expect in families from my Dad, like being very responsible. But I don't feel the deep emotional connection with my bf that I've had in some other romantic relationships. So I don't feel confident I could trust him to stay with me in the long run, even though we've talked about marriage. We're starting to work on it in counseling. Part of our difficulty is we're at the age where we don't have much time left if we want to adopt kids before we are too old to see them grow up (bf is older). Well, I've gone off on my own issues, but I hope some of it will be relevant for you.

Here are some posts about ISTP/INFJ relationships on other forums that I found helpful, especially the first one http://***************.com/istp-forum-mechanics/8902-what-do-istps-want-relationships.html

http://***************.com/infj-forum-protectors/2829-infj-estp-istp-compatible-relationships.html

The links don't work. If you want to google: zynthaxx istp, or "INFJ & ESTP/ISTP Compatible? Relationships" you'll find them. Some of them are about how to make ISTP/INFJ relationships work from people who did.