Isolated because I'm straight?? | INFJ Forum

Isolated because I'm straight??

Creon

Creon

Community Member
Feb 13, 2009
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I happen to be in a very frustrating situation regarding sexual preferrences. You see, I have many female close friends that hang around with homosexuals, and it has come to my attention that I am a victim of prejudice from those individuals, exactly because I am NOT gay. I was always proggressive regarding sexuality, and even sighned petitions which supported gay marriage in Greece. I always believed that homosexuals should have equal treatment in any social or political situation.

Problem is, when I happen to be around it seems that those people are trying to isolate me from my friends, whether by ignoring me completely, or by avoiding to speak directly to me. I mean, what the fuck? This is getting annoying. I mean, around the globe people are screaming in order for homosexuals to be accepted in society, and I, one of the people who scream like that, am getting isolated because I am straight. I was really curious at first, then I decided to ask a friend of mine(who hangs around with those guys), and she replied to me: " Yeah, well, you're straight... so I doudt you could hang around with us and not make them feel a bit uneasy". Now can somebody explain to me WHY is this happening?
 
I'm not sure I understand the ins and outs of the situation. It sounds very frustrating. So am I right in thinking you're not been invited to hang out by your female friends because they want to hang around with their gay male friends, who they say don't like you?

If so, it would more seem to be your female friends who are letting you down by leaving you out. Maybe the gay friends don't even know you're being left out, and they'd actually love to have you hang out with them? Have you tried speaking with the gay friends directly, maybe on your own, without the female friends around?

I hope this situation improves for you anyway. It's not nice to feel left out.
 
Thankfully I don't fall in this catagory. I know quite a few gay guys who are prejustice to straight people, and all they hang around with are other gays, lesbines, ect. I mean, they ligitmately look at straights differently, and treat them different. I have gotten into a few arguments with them before and they say "I don't feel confortable around straights, they make me feel uneasy." I simply say "you are no better, if not worse, then those against us".

It's pathetic really. This group actually looks down on ME slightly (even though I am gay) because 90% of my friends are straight.
 
Bigots are bigots, regardless of gender, nationality or sexual preference.

Maybe you need new female friends Taz?
 
Shai Gar said:
Bigots are bigots, regardless of gender, nationality or sexual preference.

Maybe you need new female friends Taz?
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Indeed, they have this "higher then thao" attitude towards anyone who isn't in their "in" crowd. And they call them selves openminded. Psh, open minded my foot. They fall into the catagory of "super-liberals" who are only liberal to people part of their crowd. If your out if it, YOUR the closed minded one.
 
They're not liberals or Super Liberals. They're closed minded left wingbigots, who are conservative by nature.
 
Helpful Elf said:
I'm not sure I understand the ins and outs of the situation. It sounds very frustrating. So am I right in thinking you're not been invited to hang out by your female friends because they want to hang around with their gay male friends, who they say don't like you?

If so, it would more seem to be your female friends who are letting you down by leaving you out. Maybe the gay friends don't even know you're being left out, and they'd actually love to have you hang out with them? Have you tried speaking with the gay friends directly, maybe on your own, without the female friends around?

I hope this situation improves for you anyway. It's not nice to feel left out.
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Yeah, it's not like my friends don't invite me, but that's what I fear will happen in the future. It's just that the attitude those guys have towards me is as if I'm from mars. As if they avoid interacting with me. I just don't understand why they treat me like that, especially considering the present social situation, where gays are victims of attacks from the church and the conservative political parties.

Thankfully I don't fall in this catagory. I know quite a few gay guys who are prejustice to straight people, and all they hang around with are other gays, lesbines, ect. I mean, they ligitmately look at straights differently, and treat them different. I have gotten into a few arguments with them before and they say "I don't feel confortable around straights, they make me feel uneasy." I simply say "you are no better, if not worse, then those against us".

It's pathetic really. This group actually looks down on ME slightly (even though I am gay) because 90% of my friends are straight.
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Then can you please explain to me what you think they are thinking/feeling? I mean, I can understand someone who is a homosexual and has never seen a straight person in his life, but in this case, gays are a social minority. So I can't say that my sexuality is something totally unknown to them or that they can't somehow understand it.

It's the reasons behind this behaviour that I fail to understand.

Bigots are bigots, regardless of gender, nationality or sexual preference.

Maybe you need new female friends Taz?
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Yeah, you got a point there. Sexuality does not really matter, it's just that I don't understand their motives. I probably need to cut them out of my life. But I liked those girls. They have been good friends in the past. Plus they are a source of potential girlfriends. Just kiddin'.
 
Being a woman who was just dumped because her boyfriend realized he was gay, I'm obviously in a bit of a different boat. Still, I'm like you in that I've never had anything against it and, though not an activist for anything, I've held a pretty clear stance on it. I never looked much deeper, though.

Now, I'm having to contend with the current sexual interests of this ex, and they are seemingly very misogynistic. His current interest says he hates all women, straight out. The guy, quite frankly, scares me.

I've been really looking into it all now, and although I'm not entirely sure, it seems like there are two basic groups of homosexuals--those who are born that way and those who grew up in extremely specifically bad households that forced them into it. I've had a couple friends that I'm sure were the former, but I've noticed a split down the middle with the guys that seem like they could be of the other category.

This is just hypothetical, so no one jump on my case, please. I hate this topic with a passion because it's so doused and dripping in fear and politics for people.
 
Yep, I've known some guys who almost turned gay because they dated a bad girl...

One in particular has only just realised he was straight, and all that gay sex was the reason he was becoming depressed. At least he didn't have to deal with women for a few years. Lucky Effing Bastard.
 
Shai Gar said:
Yep, I've known some guys who almost turned gay because they dated a bad girl...

One in particular has only just realised he was straight, and all that gay sex was the reason he was becoming depressed. At least he didn't have to deal with women for a few years. Lucky Effing Bastard.
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That's bizarre. But was he straight, then gay, and then straight again?

I suspect my ex's homosexual stuff is caused by the fact he was a single child with a judgmental ass of a dad and a mom who was really inappropriate with him physically and emotionally, not to mention he was pretty much holed up all the time and only had himself. I know I'd go gay. Anyway, with those things in mind, you could see where the bitterness could come from, to compensate for a poorly developed ego. It's very sad, but I think it's also very workable, too.

Indigo strikes me as the real deal by comparison. Just thought I'd point that out. I had a friend in school who was very feminine and odd, he definitely didn't seem to have the same issues. I think real gay is very rare, whereas the compensatory kind (not that the orientation isn't real, mind you) is becoming more and more common in today's society.

Or maybe I'm just cracked up. We'll probably never find out, either way. :(
 
Taz said:
Then can you please explain to me what you think they are thinking/feeling? I mean, I can understand someone who is a homosexual and has never seen a straight person in his life, but in this case, gays are a social minority. So I can't say that my sexuality is something totally unknown to them or that they can't somehow understand it.

It's the reasons behind this behaviour that I fail to understand.
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Supereriority complex, the desire to belong in "exclusive groups", fear (and yes, I am serious). And like I said before some of them have a "I'm better then you" complex.
 
Shai Gar said:
He was never gay, he just had gay sex.
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He had gay sex and didn't think he was gay? Man, that's hardcore!

My boyfriend seemed attracted to cartoons first, then seemed to integrate himself -- the only playmate he had aside from boys here and there -- and so it seems to be a relational issue projected toward people in his life now. Even I've had stuff like that.

Sexuality is retarded, I say we opt for mechanical reproduction and get our brains to do something different now. As a longtime online friend said to me last night:

I wish people viewed brains more like I do, which are as evolved structures, and, as evolved structures, are just as badly and redundantly built, and built not to make like the best it can be but rather to increase breeding. it can make things suck for the individual if its good for the species
basically we're BAD FIRST DRAFT ASSUMING THE GOAL IS INDIVIDUALS FEELING GOOD
WHICH ITS NOT
SO LIKELY NOT TO GET BETTER THRU SELECTION
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Basically.

Misery comes from that reproductive urge, and should it get messed with, it's the worst thing to have go awry, it seems. It would seem by far and away the most painful, time consuming and energy draining processes of the brain all have to do with mating and reproduction.

I'm a primarily asexual androgynous 'bisexual' (pansexual? one of those trendy terms) and that's a damn fine way to keep out of trouble most of the time. MOST of the time. One thing's for sure, I'm not going to feel superior to anyone; that's a compensation that feeds ridiculous amounts of destructive behaviour.

In cases like the OP, I've taken a fairly new stance on my life which is to try to remove any unhealthy or destructive behaviour from my life, to the best extent I can, both internally and externally (they're not mutually exclusive). The extremely painful side of that is that it isolates me even more, and it may lose me even a friendship with my ex if he decides to keep doing what he's been doing. But so far, it's been making me feel better, so I'd honestly rather be alone and whole than surrounded by family and having a part of me destroyed. It's hard enough to stay positive on an individual basis these days.
 
Shai Gar said:
no, he thought he was gay... but he wasn't, or maybe is... meh
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Well, I keep telling people that sexuality is way more dynamic, for the most part, than it's often made out to be. That seems the case with a lot of animals, not just humans. That's why I personally identify as the 'androgyne primarily asexual pansexual,' because it leaves all sorts of room for interpretation and opportunity.

Truthfully? If I love the person, nothing else matters, but I feel instinctually I fit best with male. Whoops, biology. But when you have a brain this big, what does it matter? I can and have overridden a few things here and there in the way of sexuality. Another thing is that the physical appearance only matters because it's part of the whole and the personality.

It would be amazing to see more people open to the dynamic aspect of sexualily rather than identifying, defying, fighting, and using it as a compensation for other things. Just be, for the love of ass. The superficiality kills. :(
 
I do have many gay and strait friends. I have had them as long as I can remember.

You are young and I suppose your friends are also young. I have found the younger the gay community is the more isolated and sometimes more catty they can be. It has also something to do with the drag queen factor. It is the fag hag thing.

I understand not feeling comfortable around strait people. After seeing what happens to your friend after they have been brutalized by a person who doesn't understand or like homosexuals you tend to feel uncomfortable around them. You don't know who to trust outside of your group. Its a safety thing.

If you can move in little by little and go through the trials they throw at you and show up at their protests and make yourself non-threatening it will be easier. It has to be worth it to you. And you also will have to make it worth it to them.

I am sorry you are having trouble. If you try to see it from their side, you may see why they can be so exclusive. I had a hard time when I moved around everytime until I told them I had two moms. They trusted me more after that, but I am still somewhat on the outside too. It's kind of weird.
 
Why do people get so angry when a minority group isn't inclusive? There is irony there. A minority group struggles to be acknowledged by a society that would sooner exclude it, but if members of the minority group dare to exclude members of the general society, then they are hypocrites. Kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of thing.

And Taz, to be frank, your sexuality may have absolutely nothing to do with why people are snubbing you. Just because one person made such a comment does not mean that is the sentiment of the entire group, nor does it mean it is a valid sentiment. You should at least investigate to the point of remarking to some of these people how you feel you have been treated and seeking to hear their side before brandishing the whole group as "prejudiced". You might be surprised. Some little comment you made in the past could have been misconstrued or their perception of you may not be as "progay" as you believe you come across. Also some of the things that gay people discuss with one another may not be comfortable to say around a straight individual, so if you make it clear that you are interested in hearing about gay culture and won't be offended by what they say, then they might be more inclinded to being open around you.
 
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I agree with Satya. I don't think people understand the struggle that has been had. When I was younger I couldn't tell anyone about my mom having a lesbian relation. Only when I was around our friends was I able to relax and be me. In Holland it was some easier, but when we were in the US I felt so alone with my secret they could cause my mom to lose her job and have me put in foster care.

It has come a long way to having marriage legalized in Canada, California, Vermont, and for a short time Oregon. (Sorry if I left any out.) But violence still happens and I am still afraid if one of my friends moves because finding a community with resources and the danger of hatred is a risk.

It isn't easy to be gay.
 
Just a couple weekends ago I was at a lesbian friend's birthday party where the main demographic was, naturally, lesbians. My male friend, who is gay as well, ended up horribly ridiculed a majority of the night by said lesbians. Needless to say, I was baffled. Maybe it's an inside joke, I don't know. I got passing comments like, "you look sooooo straight" and one of the ladies were trying to convince me she can turn any straight girl gay and when I assured her that maybe she's had it happen but it wouldn't happen that night -- she turned around and became quite vicious in her remarks.
I wish I had an answer, Taz, but I can only relate, haha.
 
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