Is shyness always such a bad thing?

[Gaze]

Is shyness always such a bad thing?


It's treated as a soft, weak, or uncomfortable trait that should be hidden or diminished. It's considered a negative sign associated with insecurity, discomfort, weakness, or cause of embarrassment. It's associated with a lack of self confidence - a big myth. Not everyone enjoys or feels comfortable demonstrating their confidence in visible ways. Someone who is shy is often seen and treated as if they have some personality flaw which needs to be managed and corrected, but is it always such a bad or negative trait?


As an example, I'm a little shy, and sometimes, it works for me, while in other cases, it doesn't. I'll never be this person who's completely comfortable being assertive or dominating in some social settings, except when I'm with family or close friends. And i can only hope that i can find someone who can appreciate this quality without it seeming like a trait which reflects lack of confidence or weakness.

 

[Sloe Djinn]

I'd say it's only a bad thing if it keeps you from being who you want to be.

 

[Edith]

I'd say it's only a bad thing if it keeps you from being who you want to be.

+1. Agreed entirely.

 

[Majesty]

I would say yes.

Shyness is lack of confidence.
Lack of confidence IS bad.

However, being quiet, introverted, calm, etc. without being shy is perfectly fine.

 

[This]

Is shyness always such a bad thing?


It's treated as a soft, weak, or uncomfortable trait that should be hidden or diminished. It's considered a negative sign associated with insecurity, discomfort, weakness, or cause of embarrassment. It's associated with a lack of self confidence - a big myth. Not everyone enjoys or feels comfortable demonstrating their confidence in visible ways. Someone who is shy is often seen and treated as if they have some personality flaw which needs to be managed and corrected, but is it such a bad thing?


As an example, I'm a little shy, and sometimes, it works for me, while in other cases, it doesn't. I'll never be this person who's completely comfortable being assertive or dominating in most social settings, except when I'm with family or close friends. And i can only hope that i can find someone who can appreciate this quality without it seeming like a trait which reflects lack of confidence or weakness.

If it doesn't come from insecurity than I don't believe it's shyness. that's not exactly the correct term. True shyness in my opinion is negative however I think some of the characteristics that people associate with shyness are incorrect. Quiet does not mean shy and neither does introverted.

 

[Saram]

Assertiveness is a skill. Not a quality, so there's hope there. To be shy, I think might be a blanket term. To be infj is to be introverted. No shame in that. To do yourself the diservice of blanketing your introversion as the negative 'shy', is a practice that should be discouraged when contemplating your position.

 

[Gaze]

I think it's a matter of perspective. I don't really see being oneself as the ultimate goal of all communication. And being assertive is often confused with being overly confident, arrogant, and aggressive. And shyness is not a lack of confidence in oneself. It may reflect discomfort in a social situation but it doesn't necessarily mean someone lacks self confidence in who they are. Yes, they may be concerned about how they may be perceived which is pretty normal especially if you're new to a situation. And some insecurity is not a bad thing. The idea that anyone must feel completely confident and comfortable all the time is unrealistic and puts an unnecessary amount of pressure to be and appear comfortable. Although I think it's necessary to be assertive in some situations, i don't think it's necessary in all cases. I see assertiveness as a strategy to accomplish a goal, not something to strive to be at all times.

 

[Feelings]

I'm shy too

 

[Majesty]

I think it's a matter of perspective. I don't really see being oneself as the ultimate goal of all communication. And being assertive is often confused with being overly confident, arrogant, and aggressive. And shyness is not a lack of confidence in oneself. It may reflect discomfort in a social situation but it doesn't necessarily mean someone lacks self confidence in who they are. Yes, they may be concerned about how they may be perceived which is pretty normal especially if you're new to a situation. And some insecurity is not a bad thing. The idea that anyone must feel completely confident and comfortable all the time is unrealistic and puts an unnecessary amount of pressure to be and appear comfortable. Although I think it's necessary to be assertive in some situations, i don't think it's necessary in all cases. I see assertiveness as a strategy to accomplish a goal, not something to strive to be at all times.

Shyness is one thing.
Lack of social skills is another.

Assertive vs submissive is just a trait people have. You can overcome shyness, but if you're naturally submissive you'll stay like that all your life.

 

[acd]

There's a difference between being reserved and being shy.
Shyness can be socially crippling and a source of anxiety (I know from past experience having social anxiety.)

One is the inability to express oneself.. the other is a choice.
I think you're referring to being reserved in your OP.

I've developed my communication a bit. I'm no longer as shy or anxious in social settings as I once was.. Now, when I hold things back it's because I've determined that it's a better idea to do so rather than wishing to express myself and being too terrified to do so.

 

[IndigoSensor]

Shyness can keep you in check at times. It's basically a brain-action/mouth filter. Like any filter, you can have it be too strong or too weak.

Personally, I am really not that shy. I am with some things, but for the most part, no.

 

[Gaze]

Shyness can keep you in check at times. It's basically a brain-action/mouth filter. Like any filter, you can have it be too strong or too weak.

exactly. I won't say it's all good or all bad, which is what my question is about, not whether it's a positive but whether it's always negative. Everything has it's pros and cons, especially when taken to extremes.

And being shy is not confused with being reserved or being introverted in this case.

 

[acd]

It's always negative. It's about fear.
It's the inability to control your communication.

Shyness has to do with anxiety. It is disempowering.
Reservedness has to do with self-control--having the ability to express anything, but choosing not to.

They are very different things!

You are describing reservedness. And I agree with you that being reserved has it's set of pros and cons.

 

[aerosol]

shy people are the most interesting ones. shyness usually implies a modest outlook, and humility. i cant think of two better traits than those. i always try to talk to the (other) shy people around, they are likely to be cool as heck.

 

[Galileo]

I think that in some ways it's a great thing because it does mean that you're not going to be open to everyone, and that's good because not everyone is going to get you and your personality.

I think an INFJ will open up to the right people. someone who is shy will really look at a person's character before opening up to them and offering friendship, and I wish more people would do this.

 

[donkeybals]

As an example, I'm a little shy, and sometimes, it works for me, while in other cases, it doesn't. I'll never be this person who's completely comfortable being assertive or dominating in some social settings, except when I'm with family or close friends. And i can only hope that i can find someone who can appreciate this quality without it seeming like a trait which reflects lack of confidence or weakness.

+1 for dominating your friends and family.

I agree with the ones who said it depends on your objective. I view shyness as "a safe way of acting".

 

[Gaze]

+1 for dominating your friends and family.

I agree with the ones who said it depends on your objective. I view shyness as "a safe way of acting".

I meant, i'm more assertive or outgoing with family and friends than i am in other social settings.

 

[donkeybals]

Haha. I got to use the word dominating more. It sounds so powerful. I'm off to bed now though.. Time to dominate my wife.

 

[not sure]

I'd say it's only a bad thing if it keeps you from being who you want to be.

+1

I think shyness is a protective mechanism. At least it is for me. Whenever, I meet new people I tend to hold back and observe, not in a calculating manner, just trying to grow accustomed. Once, the person no longer feels like a stranger then the shyness disappears completely. The behaviour would freak out my mother's acquaintances when I was young. They were really disturbed by how keenly I observed them. I didn't stare but I guess they knew I was watching. <twilight zone theme>. The point is that shyness is just my way of being cautious. I can see how it can suffocate a life though, especially if you are unhappy. At the same time, some people find shyness very endearing.

 

[donkeybals]

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzlG28B-R8Y"]YouTube - Twilight Zone intro.[/ame]

I was scared of this show when I was a kid and still am.