Is marriage worth it anymore?

[Blind Bandit]

As a child of a divorced family. My father divorced twice now single. My mother married three times divorced twice and now married and stable. Having dealt with the fights the arguments and the hurts its hard for me to want to get married. Not mention being a man is not good in a divorce.

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, Geneva]Have Anti-Father Family Court Policies Led to a Men's Marriage Strike? [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, Geneva] July 9, 2002
by Glenn Sacks and Dianna Thompson
[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, Geneva] [/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, Geneva]Kathleen is attractive, successful, witty, and educated. She also can't find a husband. Why? Because most of the men this thirty-something software analyst dates do not want to get married. These men have Peter Pan Syndrome--they refuse to commit, refuse to settle down, and refuse to "grow up." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, Geneva]However, given the family court policies and divorce trends of today, Peter Pan is no naive boy, but instead a wise man. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, Geneva]"Why should I get married and have kids when I could lose those kids and most of what I've worked for at a moment's notice?" asks Dan, a 31 year-old power plant technician who says he will never marry. "I've seen it happen to many of my friends. I know guys who came home one day to an empty house or apartment--wife gone, kids gone. They never saw it coming. Some of them were never able to see their kids regularly again." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, Geneva]The US marriage rate has dipped 40% over the past four decades, to its lowest point ever. There are many plausible explanations for this trend, but one of the least mentioned is that American men, in the face of a family court system which is hopelessly stacked against them, have subconsciously launched a "marriage strike." [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, Geneva]It is not difficult to see why. Let's say that Dan defies Peter Pan, marries Kathleen, and has two children. There is a 50% likelihood that this marriage will end in divorce within eight years, and if it does the odds are two to one that it will be Kathleen, not Dan, who initiates the divorce. It may not matter that Dan was a decent husband--studies show that few divorces are initiated over abuse or because the man has already abandoned the family. Nor is adultery cited as a factor by divorcing women appreciably more than by divorcing men.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, Geneva]While the courts may grant Dan and Kathleen joint legal custody, the odds are overwhelming that it is Kathleen, not Dan, who will win physical custody. Over night Dan, accustomed to seeing his kids every day and being an integral part of their lives, will become a "14 percent dad"--a father who is allowed to spend only one out of every 7 days with his own children. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, Geneva]Once divorced, odds are at least even that Dan's ex-wife will interfere with his visitation rights. Three-quarters of divorced men surveyed say their ex-wives have interfered with their visitation, and 40% of mothers studied admitted that they had done so, and that they had generally acted out of spite or in order to punish their exes.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, Geneva]Kathleen will keep the house and most of the couple's assets. Dan will need to set up a new residence and pay at least a third of his take home pay to Kathleen in child support. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, Geneva]As bad as all of this is, it would still make Dan one of the lucky ones. After all, he could be one of those fathers who cannot see his children at all because his ex has made a false accusation of domestic violence, child abuse, or child molestation. Or a father who can only see his own children under supervised visitation or in nightmarish visitation centers where dads are treated like criminals. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, Geneva]He could be one of those fathers whose ex has moved their children hundreds or thousands of miles away, in violation of court orders which courts often do not enforce. He could be one of those fathers who tears up his life and career again and again in order to follow his children, only to have his ex-wife continually move them. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, Geneva]He could be one of the fathers who has lost his job, seen his income drop, or suffered a disabling injury, only to have child support arrearages and interest pile up to create a mountain of debt which he could never hope to pay off. Or a father who is forced to pay 70% or 80% of his income in child support because the court has imputed an unrealistic income to him. Or a dad who suffers from one of the child support enforcement system's endless and difficult to correct errors, or who is jailed because he cannot keep up with his payments. Or a dad who reaches old age impoverished because he lost everything he had in a divorce when he was middle-aged and did not have the time and the opportunity to earn it back. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, Geneva]"It's a shame," Dan says. "I always wanted to be a father and have a family. But unless the laws change and give fathers the same right to be a part of their children's lives as mothers have, it just isn't worth the risk." [/FONT]

http://www.ifeminists.net/introduction/editorials/2002/0709a.html

Thoughts , opinions, rants otherwise are appreciated.

 

[Ergo Christobal]

People just need to find the right people. What I imagine as a stable relationship is one that has been tested and ironed out. Then a few years pass, tensions resolve. Fights become trivial. THEN you marry, assuming you're still together.

It just seems to me like most divorce stories occur when people realize that they're with the wrong person, something they should have realized before the marriage. It's hard to tell sometimes, even after years of dating there are still going to be those moments. There might even be divorce with that person that was supposed to be the one. In fact, it's very likely. Even then, if they were at least close to the "right one" then the divorce shouldn't be too rough, out of mutual respect and understanding for each-others needs.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that all the failed attempts and lonely waiting are worth it for the one solid successful marriage.

But I hardly know anything on the subject, just my thoughts.

 

[Ria]

T'is a bleak look at the word "Marriage"...

Funny because I still like the concept somehow, but that is probably because I am a romantisist and a traditionalist. Being divorced myself, I cannot fathem how these women can be so selfish as to do things like this. To deny a man the right to see his own children, is so very toxic on everyone involved. The big picture for any of these reasons brings me panic, so even though my X left us, I have never denied him the right to see his kids. He is the father afterall... Women like this are just too nasty.

About marriage though... I suppose it pays to be on the same page, and have some degree of insight into the other person's motives. Not to mention, it's in cases like these that intuition is a godsend.

 

[Satya]

[RANT]

An interesting fact...the state with the lowest rate of divorce is Massachusettes...the first state to adopt same sex marriage. And Denmark, Norway, and Sweden saw a significant increase in heterosexual marriages after they adopted same sex marriage. Just an observation.

Honestly, I think if we leave it alone, the heterosexuals are going to destroy marriage all on their own. Of course, I can already hear some of them concieving ways that this is our fault.

[/RANT]

I would love to get married, and some day I might even move to Canada to do it. I agree that the system needs to be more egalatarian or marriage will continue to suffer, but one must remember that marriage was created to be a patriarchal structure.

 

[DoveAlexa]

It just seems to me like most divorce stories occur when people realize that they're with the wrong person, something they should have realized before the marriage.

Yes... and also when you let resentment build upon years and years without actually communicating with your partner and trying to fix things. Even worse is if no side wants to work to fix anything. It all comes down to what Chris said though, find the right person, or at least someone stable.

I also agree with Ria that I can't understand the women who do this. Guys, gotta guard your hearts and not just take any old gal who'll take you.

Lastly, Marriage is worth it, if its doesn't lead to a situation where both of you feel trapped and you *have to* stay in the relationship, long past it meaning anything good. If its going badly, it'll end up where you just go BOOM ones day and leave this relationship where leaving means destroying your entire life.

There are tons of benifits to a close, perminent relationship, and it doesn't have to exactly be marriage, but thanks to many legal systems it can be better just to be formal about it. Men tend to live longer and better lives, statistically, its easier financially (as long as you dont both have a habit of overspending) and always having a companion to do things in life with including everything from chores to happiness to loss makes your quality of life so much better.

Tl;dr:
If you're marrying someone just cause you love them, but you don't get along in a home, don't do the same activities together, don't have anything to say to each other and don't even have the same life goals and values, you should NOT be married.

 

[Trifoilum]

Somewhat a bit too....political from my side. It completely demonizes the mother (and the rules) and victimizes the father... Which probably were rarely the case.

Marriage is a sweet thing. Sweet, but not straight and trouble-free. A certain compromise should happen...and compromises usually happened when clashing....
Then again, wasn't it the attitudes of "date fast, marry fast, divorce fast" that make this happen? Is this impatience the result of traditional romantic notions or a forced attempt of romance instead?

Lastly, I wonder how they're going to be Peter Pan.

 

[DoveAlexa]

wasn't it the attitudes of "date fast, marry fast, divorce fast" that make this happen? Is this impatience the result of traditional romantic notions or a forced attempt of romance instead?

YES, so true!
No one bothers with actual courting, and getting to know people. They just think "love is magic and makes things work".

 

[TurtleTrooper]

I think marriage is an awesome concept. However I think if I were ever to get divorced, it would be because my partner changed in a way that I couldn't get along with. That's what people forget about; people change. They go yadda yadda yadda divorce is baaaad mkay but sometimes people just change and they end up not fitting anymore. Happened with my parents. I don't blame either of them. Shit happens. Changes occur. Get over it.

 

[Blind Bandit]

I think marriage is an awesome concept. However I think if I were ever to get divorced, it would be because my partner changed in a way that I couldn't get along with. That's what people forget about; people change. They go yadda yadda yadda divorce is baaaad mkay but sometimes people just change and they end up not fitting anymore. Happened with my parents. I don't blame either of them. Shit happens. Changes occur. Get over it.

Thats a good point. People do change and being with someone for a long time you have to question weather it will work out in the long run.

From where I stand its hard to see that working.

 

[TurtleTrooper]

Thats a good point. People do change and being with someone for a long time you have to question weather it will work out in the long run.

From where I stand its hard to see that working.

See what working?

 

[DoveAlexa]

I think marriage is an awesome concept. However I think if I were ever to get divorced, it would be because my partner changed in a way that I couldn't get along with. That's what people forget about; people change. They go yadda yadda yadda divorce is baaaad mkay but sometimes people just change and they end up not fitting anymore. Happened with my parents. I don't blame either of them. Shit happens. Changes occur. Get over it.

Well did it work while it did last? And did they BOOM explode and destroy each other's lives in the divorce?

 

[Blind Bandit]

See what working?

Marriage. People change and grow. What if the person you married no longer gives you what you need? Or is the person you thought they where.

 

[TurtleTrooper]

Well did it work while it did last? And did they BOOM explode and destroy each other's lives in the divorce?

Lol I actually don't ever remember them getting along. And yes they did go BOOM explode and destroy each other's lives in the divorce and no I don't want to talk about it. Sorry.

@Blind Bandit

Oh, I see what you mean. But remember it does work sometimes.

 

[DoveAlexa]

Well I can see you're already set. I don't think you actually want to be reassured, you just want to be upset . Thats okay and all, but don't let it destroy your ability to see our point too.
Turtle, if they never got along, then it fall under what Chris and me said above, I'm sorry.
//hugs

 

[TinyBubbles]

imo many people rush into marriage without really knowing what they want or what they expect from it.. just doing it because it's the traditional thing to do. but i still think it's worth it... if you find the right guy/girl

 

[Skoffin]

I think people are still naive/stupid nowadays to know what's good for them. People are far too impatient, they get these grand ideas of what their life should be like and in their self entitlement end up botching up their lives down the track.
Marriage is a long term thing, but a lot of people seem to date for a bit and decide 'our love is enough' and run with it. I think a couple should be together a minimum of a year to determine how suited they are, but realistically I think people need to be together longer and even live together first to determine if they can live together for years to come. Instead young people are rushing into marriage with the notion that if it doesn't work out then.. hey, we could always get divorced!
My sister is one of these young idiots, having dated the first boyfriend she's had for 4ish months and already getting engaged.

I do believe that men get a raw deal in the courts. I've heard horror stories of these things myself, the courts should not be empowering these horrible people. Frankly I think that children should be removed from people like that and given to the other parent. I don't think people like that should even have access to the children.

I'm also a child of separated parents. Been separated since 2001 but have not gone through the divorce yet, except in this case I will say the blame is entirely on the father.

 

[Blind Bandit]

I think people are still naive/stupid nowadays to know what's good for them. People are far too impatient, they get these grand ideas of what their life should be like and in their self entitlement end up botching up their lives down the track.
Marriage is a long term thing, but a lot of people seem to date for a bit and decide 'our love is enough' and run with it. I think a couple should be together a minimum of a year to determine how suited they are, but realistically I think people need to be together longer and even live together first to determine if they can live together for years to come. Instead young people are rushing into marriage with the notion that if it doesn't work out then.. hey, we could always get divorced!
My sister is one of these young idiots, having dated the first boyfriend she's had for 4ish months and already getting engaged.

I do believe that men get a raw deal in the courts. I've heard horror stories of these things myself, the courts should not be empowering these horrible people. Frankly I think that children should be removed from people like that and given to the other parent. I don't think people like that should even have access to the children.

I'm also a child of separated parents. Been separated since 2001 but have not gone through the divorce yet, except in this case I will say the blame is entirely on the father.

There is simply no way I know would in a year if someone could marry me that's such a short time. I would need at least a few years.

 

[Trifoilum]

Marriage. People change and grow. What if the person you married no longer gives you what you need? Or is the person you thought they where.

this:

imo many people rush into marriage without really knowing what they want or what they expect from it.. just doing it because it's the traditional thing to do. but i still think it's worth it... if you find the right guy/girl

It's highly risky, but it's all right, if you thought of him/her as worthy. BUT NOT IN A SHORT RUN. Then again, people thought they know each other...and surprised when they don't.

No one bothers with actual courting, and getting to know people. They just think "love is magic and makes things work".

yeah; this, or the belief of that? A genuine belief (borderline naivety or innocence), or an attempt to believe?

I'm in a contemplating mood, if one hasn't realized. XD

 

[DoveAlexa]

Hell, just being together for a few years can qualify you as common law without ever getting married. Just living together is what tests marriage the most anyhow.

 

[Skoffin]

To bandit:
I think that should be the case, apparently some others think that even a year is 'way too long' though. Those are probably the kind of people that shouldn't be getting married.