INTPs and the emotional void

[Altruistic Muse]

So does anyone else find this the most frustrating thing in the world? I think INTPs are great as long as everything is going swimmingly but if you ever have a bad day and just want a hug or a bit of support, my one anyway just thinks I'm being mopey and feeling sorry for myself and literally overlooks my little whinges. The ironic thing is that if I knew that I could go to him when I needed emotional support I doubt I'd do it very often. I just hate that feeling of "well he's not going to care, I'll go talk to this person instead". I feel like I give so much to relationships, this one as much as ever, that a little bit of help on that front shouldn't be that much to ask. And frankly it is the most necessary thing, I so need to feel that little connection. He says he'l work on it (which is nice because at least he takes on criticism, whereas my ex used to just do things ever the more to irritate me) but does anyone else have an INTP partner who was actually able to learn these skills? Is it possible to get better at these things, and not even that, but to recognise their importance? I think that's his falling point, he literally doesn't think it's that big a thing and that to get annoyed because he's not bothered about my cold or my feeling ill or whatever is really petty. I can see it from his point of view but at the same time as I said before if I thought he was going to help me out I wouldn't be testing it on the little things. So yeh, main question guys, anyone who's experienced this and had the arguments and come out the other side? He's a good man and is good for me in a lot of ways and really wouldn't like to split up over this tbh, at whatever stage....

 

[Lucifer]

I think this is a common complaint between NTs and INFJs.

I've heard that it is a problem that could be resolved, but weather it does or not is ultimately up to you two.

Yeah uhuh

 

[Shai Gar]

I can snuggle to attempt to get rid of the mopey, I feel really awkward doing so.

 

[Altruistic Muse]

But the silly thing is, (and I don't know if I can speak for other INFJs here) you wouldn't need to put up with moping if the support was there to start with. It's an attempt to try to fill a void not an actual moping fest, with any particular reason.... don't know if that makes sense..... thanks for advice guys.

 

[Shai Gar]

What's wrong with a hug, and holding hands, and then an attempt at diversion?

Surely that's better than talking for hours about it?

For real grief though, being alone for a considerable time is the only real medicine.

 

[slant]

I feel a lot like your INTP friend most of the time. Go find and ENFP to hug and kiss on, they'll like it.

 

[Bored Now]

Oh don't split up over it. I've talked a lot of crap about Nt types, but its all love in the end. The thing with INTP guys is that they express their feelings a bit differently. But when they do, its more special because they aren't these emotion junkies who want to know what you're feeling every second of the day. My fella may not buy me flowers and crap like that, but if my favorite dress loses a button, he'll fix it without saying a word because I'm not very good at handsewing. Or he'll buy me something practical and seemingly random, but the fact that he remembered I needed it, feels romanitc. Thier love is rich and subtle. You just have to learn to speak INTP.

So instead of being upset that he's not demonstrative as you'd like, appreciate the qiuet strength you get from INTP types. Sometimes you need that cool detached strength so you don't work yourself into an emo frenzy. And don't test him, its not very nice and in my experience Nts aren't good at those types of tests. Just be upfront and clear about your needs. If he can't meet them and you're not willing to comprimise, you should move on.

 

[Julia]

Life experience has a great deal to do with it. If the person is not comfortable or in touch with emotion plus their life has never caused them distress, then there is little chance they will see the importance of empathy. However, if the person has had to face difficult things and has been hurt by life in their own experience, then they understand what that kind of support means. To be fair though, most any T will see it as necessary to help solve the problem even during the emotional phase. The NF can adapt by appreciating this problem solving and not reject it simply because it isn't a hug. It *is* a hug and much more.

 

[Duty]

Oh don't split up over it. I've talked a lot of crap about Nt types, but its all love in the end. The thing with INTP guys is that they express their feelings a bit differently. But when they do, its more special because they aren't these emotion junkies who want to know what you're feeling every second of the day. My fella may not buy me flowers and crap like that, but if my favorite dress loses a button, he'll fix it without saying a word because I'm not very good at handsewing. Or he'll buy me something practical and seemingly random, but the fact that he remembered I needed it, feels romanitc. Thier love is rich and subtle. You just have to learn to speak INTP.

So instead of being upset that he's not demonstrative as you'd like, appreciate the qiuet strength you get from INTP types. Sometimes you need that cool detached strength so you don't work yourself into an emo frenzy. And don't test him, its not very nice and in my experience Nts aren't good at those types of tests. Just be upfront and clear about your needs. If he can't meet them and you're not willing to comprimise, you should move on.

This is correct. People from my ISTJ mother to my INFJ ex-gf expected me to "do things without being asked." In fact they insisted on it. You can't do that with us INTPs...it's honestly an immature attitude to take with us as it shows not only lack of understanding, but refusal to understand. It's not that we refuse to do things to help the relationship...it's that we often just don't notice or even know what we are supposed to be doing. You just have to make your needs clear with us. With a little bit of time (and the INTP has to make an effort), we can really fulfill your needs...you just need to communicate it to us in direct, honest, non-demanding speech.

Further, if you like INTPs, it is a great help to appreciate subtlety with sentiment (as well as humor...INTPs are often hilarious people, but we have an extremely subtle and hard to understand humor).

 

[Shai Gar]

If an INTP was in a relationship with a guy she considered a whiney emo, and hadn't known him very long, but an ENTP she has known for 5+ years and has also made his desires and needs known to her over the course of said period, would moving to be closer to said INTP be a way of getting closer to her?

 

[acd]

I don't think it's a good idea to use MBTI as an excuse for the invalidation of your feelings by anyone. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to share your thoughts and emotions freely without worrying about being put down or put off for them. That's not cool. Just because a person's dominant function is thinking doesn't mean they can't learn to offer you sincere emotional support. But at least you said he's willing to work on it.

Stand firm in who you are, know your needs, and respect yourself enough to make sure that they are addressed. Never cower to and then commit to anyone who refuses to understand you and reciprocate your emotional needs. Relationships are 50/50. If you're there for him make damn sure he's there for you.

 

[Duty]

I don't think it's a good idea to use MBTI as an excuse for the invalidation of your feelings by anyone. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to share your thoughts and emotions freely without worrying about being put down or put off for them. That's not cool. Just because a person's dominant function is thinking doesn't mean they can't learn to offer you sincere emotional support. But at least you said he's willing to work on it.

Stand firm in who you are, know your needs, and respect yourself enough to make sure that they are addressed. Never cower to and then commit to anyone who refuses to understand you and reciprocate your emotional needs. Relationships are 50/50. If you're there for him make damn sure he's there for you.

This is very true. MBTI is misused when you box yourself in or make excuses "because I'm this type."

MBTI is best used as a tool for understanding others. It is best for use in communication. Your INTP should talk feelings and be supportive...but you have to know how to get him to fulfill your needs. You can't just expect him to intuitively pick it up.

The way to approach an INTP is just honest, direct, and non-demanding (INTPs hate to be pushed...make it his decision to do the right thing and help his partner ). Tell him that you have these needs. Don't tell him that he has to fulfill them, or they are required or expected in any way...just tell him you are happy when these needs are fulfilled, and here is a way to fulfill them.

 

[Altruistic Muse]

I appreciate all the advice guys. I think its one of those things, he is willing to sort it out I think but yes I do get a bit demanding and impatient. I know from ex relationship with INTJ even that this doesn't work! Very useful info Duty, I'll take that into account. I've done it before, hinted at things, and it has worked. I probably just get a bit impatient because it takes a while of suggestion whereas I'd just like to say "you're doing this wrong and its not fair, change it" lol. Oh well, we shall see. I think its something that he should be working on at this stage anyway. He is 30 and has managed to get to this stage doing everything entirely for and of himself, I'm amazed!

 

[IndigoSensor]

If I have problems, I go to my mom (an INFJ) or one of my best friends (an ISFP). I never ask any of my T friends if I have a problem because they wouldn't treat me in a way that I would need. Not to mention I RARELY go to people when I have problems. And actually now that I think abou it, all of my close friends are F's, and there the only ones I would go to if I needed support.

 

[McD]

I probably just get a bit impatient because it takes a while of suggestion whereas I'd just like to say "you're doing this wrong and its not fair, change it" lol.

Speaking from the perspective on an INT*, and as one who has had his INFJ S.O. respond to problems in the relationship in that manner frequently, I just want to say that not bringing up relationship difficulties in that manner is for the best and will definitely be appreciated by your INTP.

If your INTP is really into you, then he will make the very best effort he can to meet your needs, just as I have with my SO. But when brings up problems in an accusatory tone, it's hard to get motivated to try to end the problem. e.g. When my SO says 'I like it when you do this' or 'I have this need that you can meet', then I will jump through any hoops necessary to meet that need because I'm into her. But when my SO says 'You suck because of this', usually in reference to something that I was completely oblivious too, my first response (and probably anyone's first response) is to go on the defensive. It can be equally frustrating for an INT* when he or she is trying their absolute best, but may be receptive in different ways than an INF*, and their INF* SO doesn't think it's good enough, and they bring that fact up in a non-constructive manner.

 

[Final]

If your INTP is really into you, then he will make the very best effort he can to meet your needs, just as I have with my SO. But when brings up problems in an accusatory tone, it's hard to get motivated to try to end the problem. e.g. When my SO says 'I like it when you do this' or 'I have this need that you can meet', then I will jump through any hoops necessary to meet that need because I'm into her. But when my SO says 'You suck because of this', usually in reference to something that I was completely oblivious too, my first response (and probably anyone's first response) is to go on the defensive. It can be equally frustrating for an INT* when he or she is trying their absolute best, but may be receptive in different ways than an INF*, and their INF* SO doesn't think it's good enough, and they bring that fact up in a non-constructive manner.

This is true of almost all people, regardless of type. (...for the record)

 

[acd]

Indeed, Final. It is.

I don't know why there seems to be such a concern with upsetting the INTP's delicate emotionally unresponsive sensibilities.

Be careful, tread lightly, try to understand his love from his point of view. And just accept whatever he slops onto your plate.

If it's worth a shot, yes. Be constructive in your criticism. No blaming him or putting him down for not being sensitive to you.. and I guess try it out and see if things change (doubtful) .

But make sure you are loved the way you need to be loved. Fall in love with someone who has the same definition of love as you and the same language for that love.
People don't change.

 

[secretsmile]

Here is something very valuable I have learned. I've been with my INTP for about a year and a half, and we've been married for 5 months. When I'm angry at him, my knee-jerk response is to be critical and sarcastic and bossy. It doesn't matter how right I am and how wrong he is (even when he KNOWS he's wrong), he will dig in his heels and argue with me as long as I am talking to him in a disrespectful/unpleasant way. Even if what I'm saying is absolutely correct, if my tone is not to his liking, forget about it. Basically, I learned that with an INTP, you get what you give. It is extremely frustrating sometimes, but an INTP will not grovel. Even if he is wrong. lol

Now, I'm not saying that they should be let off the hook. Hell no. But if you care about him, and you know he cares about you, and you like harmony...it's probably best to sit down and have a calm discussion about what your needs and expectations are, and why. Don't set up tests for them. You will almost always be disappointed when they fail the test.

However, for him to be unconcerned when you're sick? There's something odd going on, and it probably has little to do with this MBTI profile. My INTP will wait on me hand and foot when I'm sick, sometimes even when I'm not. How long have you been with your INTP?

 

[Altruistic Muse]

However, for him to be unconcerned when you're sick? There's something odd going on, and it probably has little to do with this MBTI profile. My INTP will wait on me hand and foot when I'm sick, sometimes even when I'm not. How long have you been with your INTP?[/QUOTE]

Not very long, about 5 months now I'd say. He does look after me if I'm sad or worried or sick (I'm not normally sick) if he's there. But if he's not there and I've just sent him a text or something saying that I'm not well then he can be quite flippant depending on his mood. I put it down to a complete lack of empathy. He doesn't really need much help himself, and he doesn't like people to think he's not capable so he very rarely whinges or tells people his problems. So he thinks everyone copes with things this way. I reckon he is very high on the T. Like literally 90%. Which is pretty hard for me to deal with, as a 90% F lol! I think another thing with him is that he cares more about the people he's known longer. Like his very close friends and his parents, he seems very very concerned about what they're doing but less so the less you know him. So the longer you're with him the more he sort of takes you on as his responsibility. Anyway, we shall see how it all pans out. Lots of things work between us, this is something I struggle with a lot. He's said he'l work on it and frankly if he doesn't I couldn't hack it long term! Thanks for your advice

 

[secretsmile]

I reckon he is very high on the T. Like literally 90%. Which is pretty hard for me to deal with, as a 90% F lol!

It does sound like he's probably a strong T. My hubs is a weaker T, for sure. But I definitely understand the T/F divide. We can battle it out sometimes. He is much more capable of expressing emotion than the 'typical' INTP might be, though, so maybe that's why we work. He has a friend who I swear is INTP as well, but probably has a much stronger T. Much colder, much less emotional. I actually really don't like this particular friend, I basically just put up with him, lol.

I think another thing with him is that he cares more about the people he's known longer. Like his very close friends and his parents, he seems very very concerned about what they're doing but less so the less you know him. So the longer you're with him the more he sort of takes you on as his responsibility.

Yep, I know how this goes! Right up until the day before we got married, my husband was having a hard time registering what was about to happen, as far as what place I would take in his life. But we were only together a year before we got married, and we are fairly young. Still, though, it was like a light bulb turned on once I became his wife. There is no question who comes first in his life now.

Good luck with your INTP. It's not the easiest pairing ever, but in my experience it has been well worth it!!