INTJ girl looking for help regarding INFJ guy
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The fact that he's sharing his insights about you with you is a positive step. I only do that to people I am close with or really like. Personally, I wouldn't bother sharing these insights with most people because it might be construed as creepy or just unappreciated. Plus, if you don't like them, why bother?
So at least, I think he's interested.
What you should do from here depends on his maturity level I think. I think a more mature INFJ male would have no problem letting a female make moves to advance the relationship, but a less mature INFJ male may be scared-off by it. Too much commitment too fast can be scary for guys of a certain age, even if it's just simply a boyfriend/girlfriend commitment. I would say it depends on how much relationship experience he already has, as to how to proceed.
If you're his first major one and he's waiting to get things right, then go very-very slow. A sudden move could make him think that it's happening too fast, and he'll bolt by possibly nicely shutting you out while he takes a year to work out his emotions. (It's what I did to a girl when I was about that age. After one encounter, she was discussing that she might tell her mother that we're a couple. Parents involved after day 1... too fast! There were other issues too, I just wasn't ready, basically.)
I would encourage that you conduct yourself in a way that you feel you are doing what is right and best, even if figuring that out is confusing to you. Always put that above a romantic relationship, no matter how badly you wish to be in one. Shouldn't be hard if you're an INTJ, just don't get hung-up on what is logically right for you rather than what is actually right for you. (I'm probably guilty of this myself, so it's hard advice to follow.) Many times in the future, you may just be totally clueless as to what path is right; this is normal. Just do your best.
For specific advice, assuming he's not ready for you to make overt advances, I would encourage you to attempt to become his closest friend. Not only that, but attempt to do what he's doing to you. If you understand MBTI, you should at least have some minor insights into his personality. Show that you understand him. As an INFJ, we often feel like the world just doesn't get us. I'm sure it's similar to being an INTJ sometimes. Show that you get him, and you should stand-out above his other relationships.
So at least, I think he's interested.
What you should do from here depends on his maturity level I think. I think a more mature INFJ male would have no problem letting a female make moves to advance the relationship, but a less mature INFJ male may be scared-off by it. Too much commitment too fast can be scary for guys of a certain age, even if it's just simply a boyfriend/girlfriend commitment. I would say it depends on how much relationship experience he already has, as to how to proceed.
If you're his first major one and he's waiting to get things right, then go very-very slow. A sudden move could make him think that it's happening too fast, and he'll bolt by possibly nicely shutting you out while he takes a year to work out his emotions. (It's what I did to a girl when I was about that age. After one encounter, she was discussing that she might tell her mother that we're a couple. Parents involved after day 1... too fast! There were other issues too, I just wasn't ready, basically.)
I would encourage that you conduct yourself in a way that you feel you are doing what is right and best, even if figuring that out is confusing to you. Always put that above a romantic relationship, no matter how badly you wish to be in one. Shouldn't be hard if you're an INTJ, just don't get hung-up on what is logically right for you rather than what is actually right for you. (I'm probably guilty of this myself, so it's hard advice to follow.) Many times in the future, you may just be totally clueless as to what path is right; this is normal. Just do your best.
For specific advice, assuming he's not ready for you to make overt advances, I would encourage you to attempt to become his closest friend. Not only that, but attempt to do what he's doing to you. If you understand MBTI, you should at least have some minor insights into his personality. Show that you understand him. As an INFJ, we often feel like the world just doesn't get us. I'm sure it's similar to being an INTJ sometimes. Show that you get him, and you should stand-out above his other relationships.
Okay, I am in INFJ male in a relationship with an INTJ female so I have a few thoughts here. Let me start by saying that INTJ's have always been one of my favorite types. I get along with them almost to a person! It seems to me that the sharing of Ni and the insights that come with it make for a good bond. We Ni types all seem to have the same sense of humor too! 
We are both amazed that the other is even interested...not sure what THAT means but it's great. Both types are seekers too, though perhaps in a bit different in fashion. When we are younger, INFJ's tend to be less confident and more inward looking. I would keep at it. He most likely feels more then he is letting on. We're good at that too--hiding things. You may have to be the "aggressor" in this for a while. Never underestimate our passion though. It's just below the surface like a volcano waiting for the right catalyst!
BTW, congrats....like us you are the most unlikely of combos in the MBTI universe, as INFJ males are the most rare male type and INTJ females are the most rare female type. I like to think that it can only mean good things...
We are both amazed that the other is even interested...not sure what THAT means but it's great. Both types are seekers too, though perhaps in a bit different in fashion. When we are younger, INFJ's tend to be less confident and more inward looking. I would keep at it. He most likely feels more then he is letting on. We're good at that too--hiding things. You may have to be the "aggressor" in this for a while. Never underestimate our passion though. It's just below the surface like a volcano waiting for the right catalyst!
BTW, congrats....like us you are the most unlikely of combos in the MBTI universe, as INFJ males are the most rare male type and INTJ females are the most rare female type. I like to think that it can only mean good things...
- Mar 17, 2010
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That you're slowly dropping off the evolutionary tree?
I'm trying to spread love and jasmine. Why you gotta buzzkill me chaz?
You're an INTJ. Your ability to convey impractical and impersonal bluntness in a smirking manner is miles above many of the other types. Secondly, you are the female. You are the object chased. You are the one that chooses, not guys.
Perhaps, in the next moment when you both are comfortable, do something that is blatantly and bluntly flirtatious. Put your hand on his and leave it there, rest your foot on top of his, or smirk and ask "Have you ever wanted to fuck me?" That last one would be a riot, an ABSOLUTE riot.
I remember once I was at a bar with a girl I'd known years ago and suddenly, in the middle of the conversation, my intuition poked me and I stopped mid sentence and said "...we should kiss". She said "What?" and I said "Yeah" and leaned in. Glory ensued.
Just do it! Experience life and enjoy! Or don't. Do whatever it is that you want to do.
Perhaps, in the next moment when you both are comfortable, do something that is blatantly and bluntly flirtatious. Put your hand on his and leave it there, rest your foot on top of his, or smirk and ask "Have you ever wanted to fuck me?" That last one would be a riot, an ABSOLUTE riot.
I remember once I was at a bar with a girl I'd known years ago and suddenly, in the middle of the conversation, my intuition poked me and I stopped mid sentence and said "...we should kiss". She said "What?" and I said "Yeah" and leaned in. Glory ensued.
Just do it! Experience life and enjoy! Or don't. Do whatever it is that you want to do.
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I'm trying to spread love and jasmine. Why you gotta buzzkill me chaz?
Relax, was just kidding.
Keep in mind the poster is supposed to be 18. As I recall, relationships worked just a hair differently back then. Maybe that's just me... I was fairly naive at 18, I think most INFJ's are in fact, that's why I'm urging slow-steady effort.
I am not convinced that he is attracted to you physically. The behavior you've described is just friendly at best. He might even be gay.
If a guy is really interested he will find a way of letting it known. Even though it can get messy with a lack of experience in social skills. If I can offer any advice - ask him something in the lines of "do you like being with me?" or "could we make a good couple?"
If a guy is really interested he will find a way of letting it known. Even though it can get messy with a lack of experience in social skills. If I can offer any advice - ask him something in the lines of "do you like being with me?" or "could we make a good couple?"
N-n-n-n-n-n-n-noooooooooooooooo!!!!!! That screams socially awkward and needy, for me.
why? they've known each other for years now and it can be the right question. It would be awkward if they met just for the second time at all.
Thanks so much, Razare, what you said is really helpful. I have a fair amount of patience and I'm certainly willing to wait and defer to him for leadership. He is rather a good looking fellow, and plenty of other girls have attempted to make him theirs. He told my brother how annoying (though flattering) it is that girls are always falling all over him, but that I was different and never did that. As far as I'm concerned, he's well worth waiting for.
Questingpoet, you're right, we do have a very similar sense of humor. It's like we notice all the same things and find them funny, but see them in different ways. It's the weirdest thing. And this:
As to whether or not he's attracted to me physically, of course, I can't be certain, but I'm inclined to think he is. I'm not exactly horrible looking. I can't read people too well mostly, but judging by the general way guys look and attractive girls, I can be fairly confident. And other people have told me a couple comments he made, like when I first straightened my hair last year and wore a sort of throwback skating outfit, he was super awkward and my friend said after I left, he was like, "Wow. She looks pretty." and everyone else was like, "yeah..ok?" So, there's my evidence, anyway.
So my next question I guess would be what kinds of things do you INFJ guys like talking about? I usually can't think of anything to say for a real conversation until I just come out with these weird abstract, random questions about people's souls or theoretical situations or whatever. Since he seems more concerned with whether or not I'm happy where we are than he is about what we talk about in particular, it's hard to tell what will get him interested and involved in a conversation.
Maybe it's just my INTJ strategy and perfectionism, but it seems like there should be a reasonable plan to be able to make conversations work. It's easier with with my female, extroverted friends with whom I'm not afraid to be a goofball..
And thanks everyone for your insights, I appreciate it immensely.
Questingpoet, you're right, we do have a very similar sense of humor. It's like we notice all the same things and find them funny, but see them in different ways. It's the weirdest thing. And this:
is certainly true. =p
As to whether or not he's attracted to me physically, of course, I can't be certain, but I'm inclined to think he is. I'm not exactly horrible looking. I can't read people too well mostly, but judging by the general way guys look and attractive girls, I can be fairly confident. And other people have told me a couple comments he made, like when I first straightened my hair last year and wore a sort of throwback skating outfit, he was super awkward and my friend said after I left, he was like, "Wow. She looks pretty." and everyone else was like, "yeah..ok?" So, there's my evidence, anyway.
Generally, I would say you're right. And chances are, he has made it known as reasonably as he can think to. But keep in mind, I'm an INTJ. I don't always pick up on subtleties and when I do, I usually don't believe it until it's bluntly and abundantly clear.
So my next question I guess would be what kinds of things do you INFJ guys like talking about? I usually can't think of anything to say for a real conversation until I just come out with these weird abstract, random questions about people's souls or theoretical situations or whatever. Since he seems more concerned with whether or not I'm happy where we are than he is about what we talk about in particular, it's hard to tell what will get him interested and involved in a conversation.
Maybe it's just my INTJ strategy and perfectionism, but it seems like there should be a reasonable plan to be able to make conversations work. It's easier with with my female, extroverted friends with whom I'm not afraid to be a goofball..
And thanks everyone for your insights, I appreciate it immensely.
- Sep 28, 2008
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My gf is an INTJ. All you gotta do is say something witty/evil/funny/genuine to get the convo going. Just say things you really mean and he'll reciprocate.
"I usually can't think of anything to say for a real conversation until I just come out with these weird abstract, random questions about people's souls or theoretical situations or whatever."
We love that stuff ^_^
"I usually can't think of anything to say for a real conversation until I just come out with these weird abstract, random questions about people's souls or theoretical situations or whatever."
We love that stuff ^_^
INFJ boys I think are typically late bloomers,I didn't have my 1st real gf until I was 19. My advice is for you to be a little more agressive, set a pace and see if he can keep up with it. I dated a few INTJ females in the past, and a lot of the stuff you said sounds like stuff they used to tell me, which is cool, just keep plugging away he will come around.
Hahahaa awesome. Most people give me funny looks. In that case, I shall be less hesitant to say my weirdo thoughts. Thanks =D
The fact that he seems to actually mean it when he compliments me or shows any amount of admiration is disconcerting, since I'm I bit of a cynic regarding that sort of thing. Most people say nice things out of empty politeness, or just when they can get something from you. It's hard to be cynical with him. When I'm being serious, I only say things that I really truly believe and genuinely mean. Seems like INFJs are the same way, right?
Sorry if I'm asking a billion questions. You guys are just so darn interesting!
Oh yeah, and Billy, your sig, Space Oddity. One of the best songs ever. Of all time. For all eternity.
- Sep 28, 2008
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And I'm curious, for anyone who's had a relationship with an INTJ, what kinds of personality difficulties did you have with them? The times that I've seen him have personal issues with someone, he sometimes just avoids them or outwardly ignores them. He doesn't seem to like confrontation all that much. I'm more likely to come right out and say what I think. And confrontation doesn't have to mean a negative thing to me.
This gets me into trouble more often than not (as my gf was recently typed to be an INTJ). Sometimes she'll ask me one of those potentially 'loaded' questions and I'm a bit too honest in my assessment. I don't like lying to her, and don't want to overly buffer my opinion to make her feel better. She understands that to a degree but it doesn't help from the emotional aspect of things.
A lot of what you mentioned are the exact problems my gf has with me. Sometimes I can talk about random topics...usually whatever happens to pop into my head at the time, and other times I clam up because I feel that it's not really of interest or conversation-worthy. It's those moments of silence where she can tell that I'm thinking about something but I don't really say what it is. If that happens with you, don't take offense to his reply (or lack of reply). Sometimes it's something really silly or random. Eventually, he'll get better at mentioning some of these thoughts out in the open and then you'll get a better idea of how his mind works.
Confrontations are something that I would personally avoid as well. If it involves people I know, I would lightly suggest to both parties to look at the situation from the other perspective. If it involves me and my gf, it can progress in one of two ways. If she's mad at me, I know she'll tell me when she's ready. My response, however, may not be so immediate. Sometimes I'll need that extra time to soak up and think about the issues that she presented before I give a reply. If I'm mad at her, however, I have the tendency to let it sit until it reaches a certain point. Usually my sore point involve me needing more time to myself and such (which also needs to be worded carefully to prevent misunderstandings). We don't get a lot of time to see each other and sometimes I tend to quantify the time spent rather than qualify it. This may not be the case with him, but just an example of the value of personal time for an INFJ.
I think the strongest points going for you are your patience and hopefully, a similar sense of humour. Between my gf and I, we can makes inside jokes that definitely wouldn't be understood by the rest of our mutual friends. We also have the habit of choosing the same menu items even though it may be a new restaurant, or something different than what we would normally order. I think the strongest bond between me and my gf is that we both feel like we're similar compared to the world around us. The fact that we can talk about topics that we normally wouldn't with anyone else is a great feeling.
I hope this gives some further insight for you. Best of luck to you and hope things work out! ^^
P.S. When he does decide to do something romantic, it'll definitely throw you off because you probably won't expect it. ^^
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Yeah, I definitely know what you mean about needing personal time. I'm exactly the same way. I usually need a couple days to figure everything out in my head before I say anything. But that could be a good thing, because as someone who also needs alone time, I understand other introverts need for it also. After you've taken time to sort it out though, can you and her sit down and talk about it well together? I think one problem is that I can come across as a little harsh, but I don't feel harsh at all. It's just because I get into the discussion so much. Does that all work ok for you and your girlfriend? Is there some way for you to feel more at ease in those situations?
Also, both of us are fairly indecisive about like, when to hang out, what to do, etc. We both just follow each other and don't like making those kinds of decisions. I joked and said we have to take turns deciding things instead of always being like, "whatever you wanna do," "no, whatever YOU wanna do." =p Do you guys do that too? It's funny but kinda frustrating. I would rather him lead most of the time.