INTJ asking for relationship assistance | INFJ Forum

INTJ asking for relationship assistance

Vagrant

Vagrant

Regular Poster
Feb 7, 2009
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INTJ
Ok, so I'm not an INFJ. I can admit that. But you guys seem pretty good at relationship advice.

My problem is that I'm single. And I want to meet the right girl -- preferably an intuitor. But I have no idea how to go about doing that. And due to my introversion and additional shyness, I generally am hesitant to ask girls out. Is there any advice that could help me find the right woman?
 
Walk up to people and just say "hi" and look for a ball to start rolling.
 
It depends. Introverted intuitive females might have already caught the "vibes" your sending, but she has your same problem: Approaching her. You might want to think about joining a club that caters to INFJ interests, and see where that takes you. Any personality club, writing club, or reading club will probably help.

Try looking here: http://www.meetup.com/
 
Vagrant said:
Ok, so I'm not an INFJ. I can admit that. But you guys seem pretty good at relationship advice.

My problem is that I'm single. And I want to meet the right girl -- preferably an intuitor. But I have no idea how to go about doing that. And due to my introversion and additional shyness, I generally am hesitant to ask girls out. Is there any advice that could help me find the right woman?
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My INTJ guy friends have SUCH trouble in this arena. Underneath their introverted/shy demeanor is a ribbon of steal that absolutely will NOT compromise. They want what they want, and they have no idea how to get it.

I highly recommend looking into dating manuals. I know - everyone will cry foul and say they're nothing but crap. But it's not true. There's value to be found in them. I DON'T recommend The Mystery Method - the gentleman who has a show on MTV (or is it VH1?). Unless you're looking to get laid a lot, his brand of dating advice leads to loneliness and emotional immaturity. It IS interesting reading, but like Ayn Rand has very limited payoffs.

I DO recommend David DeAngelo. His original manual Double Your Dating is mostly hit, some miss. Since then David D has moved on to seminars like Man Transformation which is expensive but EXCELLENT. It's mostly about becoming the man you want to be, owning yourself and observing people who can't help but be attracted to these qualities essentially become drawn to you. But start with Double Your Dating. Again, it has some miss in it, but a lot of really solid advice on male/female interpersonal relationship advice can be found therein. It's not free, but it shouldn't be. (David D also goes by the name Eben Pagan when he's focusing on business leadership advice, and there's some good stuff out there under that moniker if you're interested in business venture.)

Good luck! It's a jungle out there.
 
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Vagrant said:
Ok, so I'm not an INFJ. I can admit that. But you guys seem pretty good at relationship advice.

My problem is that I'm single. And I want to meet the right girl -- preferably an intuitor. But I have no idea how to go about doing that. And due to my introversion and additional shyness, I generally am hesitant to ask girls out. Is there any advice that could help me find the right woman?
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The ONLY way is to ASK HER OUT. If you don't try, you will never know. I know it's hard. If the girl is shy, she may not even let you know that she likes you until you give her assurance of your feelings. Just tell yourself that even if the girl does not like you back the same way, you still gain a friend. The point of asking people out is really wanting to get to know each other more. You don't know yet if she's the right one or not, neither does she. It's just about getting to know each other first, be friends and see how it goes from there. It's great if it works out but it's still fine if it doesn't.
 
Or, you could write her a note that says:

Dear __insert_name_here__:
I like you, do you like me?

please circle one:
yes no
 
The note idea's funny.. it could work :) Personally, I think I'd laugh if I got a note like that if I liked the person. I'd be amused. If I didn't like the person, I'd feel a wave of flattery and compassion wash over me. I wouldn't want to have to circle the 'no' (no, I don't like you - ouch!!). The other thing about the note I would caution against is that it could make things awkward if the answer is no. At least if I spoke with someone face to face, I'd try to tide things over and leave it on a friendly note. But the note doesn't offer that sort of resolution. It'd be awkward the next time, and possibly the next, and the next.. depending on who this person is and how well you know them.

I think mutual interests can be helpful to meeting someone. That way, you already have something in common :) And, if you are doing something that you enjoy (and you know s/he enjoys), maybe you might feel more likely or at ease to be yourself. There's nothing as attractive as confidence and someone who is secure with themselves, loving life :)
 
Eeyore said:
If that was done in a cute, light-hearted way accompanied by some flowers and sincerity, it just might work.
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When have flowers and sincerity EVER worked.

I like sunflowers and flattery.
 
I feel ya man, check out my post on love-shyness, sounds like an open and shut case. (most guys on their forum are INTJ)

DO NOT have anything to do with pick up artists "like david d or mystery" been there, messed that up. It caused me to lose a chance at really great girl (albeit a little hard to handle)
 
darkstar said:
I feel ya man, check out my post on love-shyness, sounds like an open and shut case. (most guys on their forum are INTJ)

DO NOT have anything to do with pick up artists "like david d or mystery" been there, messed that up. It caused me to lose a chance at really great girl (albeit a little hard to handle)
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David D and Mystery are very different schools of thought. Mystery is a pick up artist, David D focuses on finding the right person. The concepts within are very thought provoking. You don't have to try and score legions of phone numbers to understand male/female relationships.

I'm curious how David D's manual cost you a relationship.
 
Don't worry -- I know what PUA's do (and how it works too, it's not just made up crap. It makes sense). And I could do it. But I'm not interested in doing it. So I won't. I don't need a quick ****, I want an in-depth relationship. If I wanted a quick ****, I could just go on craigslist. I know that I could easily find somebody, I'm not ugly.

The ONLY way is to ASK HER OUT. If you don't try, you will never know. I know it's hard. If the girl is shy, she may not even let you know that she likes you until you give her assurance of your feelings.
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That's my biggest problem -- I don't know who to ask out. There's obviously the girls I find attractive, but I'm afraid of asking them out unless I'm moderately sure they're interested back. Bit of a catch-22.
Or, you could write her a note that says:

Dear __insert_name_here__:
I like you, do you like me?

please circle one:
yes no
Click to expand...


It would be amusing, but last time I tried using a note (back in junior high), it ended up really badly, and kind of awkward. So I just try face to face nowadays.
 
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AntoniaDodge said:
When has that EVER worked.

My answer is Yes! by the way.
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The kid in me would totally go for something cheesy and childish and innocent like that :D

... well as long as it was meant to be cheesy.
 
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