innate need to care for others

[Gaze]

Do you feel it's a key or important part of you to care for someone in a deep, personal, or nurturing way whether with friends, family, or partners? Do you think it's a positive or can it be a negative, and how? When that part of you is not satisfied, how does it feel?

 

[Gaze]

I do feel a need to care for people in a very personal way. When I can't, it makes me feel as if I'm lost or lacking in something. When that part of me feels neglected, meaning not having someone to give that nurture or care towards, it makes feel empty. Not sure why. Just something I've noticed in the last few years. Maybe my maternal instincts are cementing themselves permanently.

 

[SpecialEdition]

Do you feel it's a key or important part of you to care for someone in a deep, personal, or nurturing way whether with friends, family, or partners? Do you think it's a positive or can it be a negative, and how? What that part of you is not satisfied, how does it feel?

I find it all exhausting. I CAN nurture but that is usually reserved exclusively for my romantic relationship. I feel no desire to nurture or care for anyone else. They are responsible for taking care of themselves, not me. Unless you're talking about my cats, in which case I will nurture the shit out of them.

I don't feel any sort of obligation, responsibility or drive to care for anyone. I don't look down on other people who do it, though I honestly cannot understand it... I mean, if that's a career choice and you get fulfillment out of caring and nurturing others who need those skills for a higher quality of life (people in health care, nursing homes, day cares for children, etc) then I mean, of course. But I think in day to day interpersonal relationships it seems like it would just be a drain and detract from having healthy relationships with boundaries and individuality.

 

[Eventhorizon]

No. No need and no energy.

 

[bodhireagan]

Personally, it can be a rather unhealthy need for myself in most situations. I grew up having to provide emotional support for my mother (my mother has mental health issues) and I spent a lot of time around her when she wasn't doing the best, so I grew to naturally care for and nurture an unhealthy mind, and I had to do it whether or not I wanted to. I felt like because she was family, because she was my mother, I had to be there for her. Now I find myself only able to maintain relationships with similar females, which I do not intend or want, but I somehow naturally attract those in need of constant care / nurturing and unconditional support.
Not until recently have I been able to break free of this. I can say that it can be a truly negative experience if you are self-sacrificing and don't even flinch when putting the other person's needs in priority of your own (which can be a flaw in itself). The situation can degrade very quickly and you end up being blind-sided by the truth, and oh boy does it hurt. It isn't just the pain of losing someone, it is the realization that you were too blind and unaware to realize what you were getting yourself in. You willingly let someone walk all over you and use you like a punching bag. That isn't something that bodes well with my inner sanctuary.
I think that when I find a healthy relationship, it will be important to me to be a caring partner. I feel empty if there is no one to care for, especially if I was told something like "you care too much". I don't know if it is a part of being an INFJ or something else, but I have truly unconditional love and care for someone until they force that to change. I won't ever seek someone out specifically to care about them.

However, constant nurturing and care wears me down very quickly. I am not as enjoyable or sociable when I have the constant burdens of someone else hanging over my head. I do my best to reserve the nurture/care for romantic relationships / partners.
On that note, I have also realized that if I start to truly nurture and care for a friend, I end up developing romantic feelings of some variety. I don't really like this, but I understand why it happens. Luckily I can just cast them aside without changing who I am to them.

I am in 100% agreement with everything [MENTION=7838]SpecialEdition[/MENTION] said.

 

[Scientia]

Do you feel it's a key or important part of you to care for someone in a deep, personal, or nurturing way whether with friends, family, or partners? Do you think it's a positive or can it be a negative, and how? When that part of you is not satisfied, how does it feel?

For me, it is not key but if I know you and think you are worthy of time and effort, I will put in that time and effort. Hopefully, you will do the same and we can help one another become better versions of who we are. That is my general goal. It is positive in that it helps both of us grow and connect. If it becomes too one-sided or I feel that the other person does not reciprocate at all, I will pull back. I love to help others in many ways but I am in no way a doormat.
How does it feel? Great when it works and awful when I have to pull back.

 

[Trifoilum]

Do you feel it's a key or important part of you to care for someone in a deep, personal, or nurturing way whether with friends, family, or partners?

I personally feel it's important. Whether or not that is healthy is another matter.
It's not something I consciously make important, but with fair-weathered friends, I get disinterested or felt left out easily.
It's like, I want to know everything of you. Your joys, your pain, your good and bad side, your dark side, your golden side. And if I don't, I get.....anxious. And... stuck.

Now consciously I know the importance about healthy boundaries and having individuality inside a relationship,
and also I know how some people hated that.
so there's a fight between a part of me that wants and a part of me that wants to avoid hurting.

Do you think it's a positive or can it be a negative, and how?

Both.
You got a greater insight of humanity-- and you get to be kinder; the opportunity presents itself.
But there's always the risk of enabling, the risk of being manipulated, used;
or from our own side, the risk of possessiveness, of building irrational and impossible expectations.
Ego will find a way to sneak inside regardless,
and when your kindness starts being tainted by ego and 'look at what it will make me look like'; it's horrible and almost futile.

When that part of you is not satisfied, how does it feel?

Horrible, too.
Sad. ("Am I not worthy enough to see everything? After what I've done?")
Insecure ("Do you secretly hate me? Am I not likeable (because if I am, surely you will open up to me..right?)")
I have this strange situation where I forgot the good that had happened and instead feeling like the relationship has come into stagnancy. Like-- logically I can settle down and enjoy what was presented, but emotionally I just can't.

Interestingly, my mind wrestled against putting this into words, which means it was a truth-- an Ego kind of truth.

 

[Trifoilum]

But I think in day to day interpersonal relationships it seems like it would just be a drain and detract from having healthy relationships with boundaries and individuality.

I somehow naturally attract those in need of constant care / nurturing and unconditional support.

I can say that it can be a truly negative experience if you are self-sacrificing and don't even flinch when putting the other person's needs in priority of your own (which can be a flaw in itself). The situation can degrade very quickly and you end up being blind-sided by the truth, and oh boy does it hurt. It isn't just the pain of losing someone, it is the realization that you were too blind and unaware to realize what you were getting yourself in. You willingly let someone walk all over you and use you like a punching bag. That isn't something that bodes well with my inner sanctuary.
I think that when I find a healthy relationship, it will be important to me to be a caring partner. I feel empty if there is no one to care for, especially if I was told something like "you care too much". I don't know if it is a part of being an INFJ or something else, but I have truly unconditional love and care for someone until they force that to change. I won't ever seek someone out specifically to care about them.

However, constant nurturing and care wears me down very quickly. I am not as enjoyable or sociable when I have the constant burdens of someone else hanging over my head. I do my best to reserve the nurture/care for romantic relationships / partners.

For me, it is not key but if I know you and think you are worthy of time and effort, I will put in that time and effort. Hopefully, you will do the same and we can help one another become better versions of who we are. That is my general goal. It is positive in that it helps both of us grow and connect. If it becomes too one-sided or I feel that the other person does not reciprocate at all, I will pull back. I love to help others in many ways but I am in no way a doormat.
How does it feel? Great when it works and awful when I have to pull back.

I can definitely relate to all of this.

....That's all I can say, for I think there's something I need to decipher first.

 

[Altruistic Muse]

Yes... Equally for the people I know and the people I don't. It makes me feel fulfilled, so I guess that's for selfish reasons. It's why I'm training to be a nurse.

 

[just me]

I've been there for people close to me while others worked. Financially, it is a bad choice. However, a man has to do what a man has to do. When the storm is over, we might find being closer to them before they died pretty unbearable. The extra bonding and closeness, in my situations, still reach inside me and tear a hole in my heart years later. How can someone keep going to work for fear of losing a job, while faced with the truth of soon losing a parent? We must survive, but we must live with ourselves. To some of us, it may not be much of a choice. We cannot work while someone dear to us is alone in a hospital bed. We could not work when they needed something. After all, they took care of us.

The problem for me lies in returning to work that means nothing any longer, living in sorrow while it seems there is nobody that can take it away or make it better, and being faced with taking care of someone else in the process. It's not an emotional paradigm. What may at first seem a responsibility to some, may start looking similar to a burden and start weakening you. We might expect help, but they may have the mindset of taking care of their own. Maybe they are confused with whom their own actually are.

Staying focused on making money becomes the impossible, falling behind on bills the inevitable, and facing a new task in this situation almost unbearable. We must draw a line somewhere.

 

[Gaze]

I personally feel it's important. Whether or not that is healthy is another matter.
It's not something I consciously make important, but with fair-weathered friends, I get disinterested or felt left out easily.
It's like, I want to know everything of you. Your joys, your pain, your good and bad side, your dark side, your golden side. And if I don't, I get.....anxious. And... stuck.

Now consciously I know the importance about healthy boundaries and having individuality inside a relationship,
and also I know how some people hated that.
so there's a fight between a part of me that wants and a part of me that wants to avoid hurting.


Both.
You got a greater insight of humanity-- and you get to be kinder; the opportunity presents itself.
But there's always the risk of enabling, the risk of being manipulated, used;
or from our own side, the risk of possessiveness, of building irrational and impossible expectations.
Ego will find a way to sneak inside regardless,
and when your kindness starts being tainted by ego and 'look at what it will make me look like'; it's horrible and almost futile.


Horrible, too.
Sad. ("Am I not worthy enough to see everything? After what I've done?")
Insecure ("Do you secretly hate me? Am I not likeable (because if I am, surely you will open up to me..right?)")
I have this strange situation where I forgot the good that had happened and instead feeling like the relationship has come into stagnancy. Like-- logically I can settle down and enjoy what was presented, but emotionally I just can't.

Interestingly, my mind wrestled against putting this into words, which means it was a truth-- an Ego kind of truth.

All this^^^ comes pretty close to how I feel about this as well.

 

[muir]

I find it all exhausting. I CAN nurture but that is usually reserved exclusively for my romantic relationship. I feel no desire to nurture or care for anyone else. They are responsible for taking care of themselves, not me. Unless you're talking about my cats, in which case I will nurture the shit out of them.

I don't feel any sort of obligation, responsibility or drive to care for anyone. I don't look down on other people who do it, though I honestly cannot understand it... I mean, if that's a career choice and you get fulfillment out of caring and nurturing others who need those skills for a higher quality of life (people in health care, nursing homes, day cares for children, etc) then I mean, of course. But I think in day to day interpersonal relationships it seems like it would just be a drain and detract from having healthy relationships with boundaries and individuality.

Just out of curiosity SE i was wondering what MBTI type you are?

If you don't want to say then please ignore the question

 

[SpecialEdition]

Just out of curiosity SE i was wondering what MBTI type you are?

If you don't want to say then please ignore the question

Ummmm. Well when I joined the site under my old account back in 2009 I typed consistently as INFJ. Then it moved into INTJ. When my anxiety got better I consistently typed ENTJ. However, I had my boyfriend do an MBTI test and answer questions based on how I come off around him and in some social situations and he typed me as ISFP.

I am not sure what my type is.

 

[muir]

Ummmm. Well when I joined the site under my old account back in 2009 I typed consistently as INFJ. Then it moved into INTJ. When my anxiety got better I consistently typed ENTJ. However, I had my boyfriend do an MBTI test and answer questions based on how I come off around him and in some social situations and he typed me as ISFP.

I am not sure what my type is.

Ok thanks!

I always geta feel for people from what they're saying and i try to see if there are patterns in MBTI

So you said you were not really concerned for others and then after you Eventhorizen (INTJ) said the same thing

Many of the INFJ's are often talking about helping the wider community....so yeah i'm just interested to know if there is an MBTI correlation with these things

Jesus for example would be an INFJ by saying: ''love your neighbour'' because he is basically expanding his circle of love out to include everyone

INTJ's (and the occaisional ENTJ) seem to be the people i debate the most with!

I talk about how the system is screwing people over and should be changed and the INTJ's/ENTJ's tell me it's a waste of time

INTJ's seem to be more defencive in a sense whereas INFJ's seem to be more open

Both i believe encounter reasons to be defencive in a society of extroverted sensors and INTJ's might think INFJ's are foolish for thinking of anyone beyond themselves or their own immediate circle

Their response is often cynical disbelief that the INFJ would care for people they don't even know

 

[SpecialEdition]

Ok thanks!

I always geta feel for people from what they're saying and i try to see if there are patterns in MBTI

So you said you were not really concerned for others and then after you Eventhorizen (INTJ) said the same thing

Many of the INFJ's are often talking about helping the wider community....so yeah i'm just interested to know if there is an MBTI correlation with these things

Jesus for example would be an INFJ by saying: ''love your neighbour'' because he is basically expanding his circle of love out to include everyone

INTJ's (and the occaisional ENTJ) seem to be the people i debate the most with!

I talk about how the system is screwing people over and should be changed and the INTJ's/ENTJ's tell me it's a waste of time

INTJ's seem to be more defencive in a sense whereas INFJ's seem to be more open

Both i believe encounter reasons to be defencive in a society of extroverted sensors and INTJ's might think INFJ's are foolish for thinking of anyone beyond themselves or their own immediate circle

Their response is often cynical disbelief that the INFJ would care for people they don't even know

I don't know that I am either of those types anymore despite being typed as such by others and even by myself in the past. Feel freight to weigh in. I have a "type me" thread.

 

[carmosin]

Do you feel it's a key or important part of you to care for someone in a deep, personal, or nurturing way whether with friends, family, or partners?

If I can make one person happy by just being me, then it is enough. If I can't, then I have failed on what I think is one of the most important things while on this planet: to live in a way that makes life a little easier for as many as possible, but at least one.

Do you think it's a positive or can it be a negative, and how?

It's both, positive when balanced, negative when unbalanced. A good interaction is one when the emotional levels in both me and the other(s) are even, a bad interaction is when I'm more emotionally charged than the other party.

When that part of you is not satisfied, how does it feel?

It's painful. I want to see myself as a happy and giving person who makes a positive impact in others' lives, but when I can't get this view validated, I hurt inside.

 

[muir]

I don't know that I am either of those types anymore despite being typed as such by others and even by myself in the past. Feel freight to weigh in. I have a "type me" thread.

I try to avoid typing other people

I'm just sharing my general observations

I was just observing the different positions of people in this thread on the issue and it got me thinking...

Your type is for you to determine

 

[Eventhorizon]

Ok thanks!

I always geta feel for people from what they're saying and i try to see if there are patterns in MBTI

So you said you were not really concerned for others and then after you Eventhorizen (INTJ) said the same thing

Many of the INFJ's are often talking about helping the wider community....so yeah i'm just interested to know if there is an MBTI correlation with these things

Jesus for example would be an INFJ by saying: ''love your neighbour'' because he is basically expanding his circle of love out to include everyone

INTJ's (and the occaisional ENTJ) seem to be the people i debate the most with!

I talk about how the system is screwing people over and should be changed and the INTJ's/ENTJ's tell me it's a waste of time

INTJ's seem to be more defencive in a sense whereas INFJ's seem to be more open

Both i believe encounter reasons to be defencive in a society of extroverted sensors and INTJ's might think INFJ's are foolish for thinking of anyone beyond themselves or their own immediate circle

Their response is often cynical disbelief that the INFJ would care for people they don't even know

Happened to be scrolling through this thread. I read an intj description that included something to the effect, "INTJs are simultaneously the most starry-eyed idealists and the bitterest of cynics, a seemingly impossible conflict. But this is because INTJ types tend to believe that with effort, intelligence and consideration, nothing is impossible, while at the same time they believe that people are too lazy, short-sighted or self-serving to actually achieve those fantastic results."

Seems relevant here.

 

[muir]

Happened to bw scrolling through this thread. I read an intj description that included something to the effect, "INTJs are simultaneously the most starry-eyed idealists and the bitterest of cynics, a seemingly impossible conflict. But this is because INTJ types tend to believe that with effort, intelligence and consideration, nothing is impossible, while at the same time they believe that people are too lazy, short-sighted or self-serving to actually achieve those fantastic results."

Seems relevant here.

Interesting

Ok so what brings out the starry eyed idealist?

 

[Eventhorizon]

Interesting

Ok so what brings out the starry eyed idealist?

Nothing brings it out. Its always there. I know its possible but... I also know that human nature will always kill it. I suppose its one of the reasons I become so irate about things I cannot change. Insert shrug here.