INFJs, how did your folks treat you when you were children?

[ordz404]

I talked back all the time so I was pretty much beat daily by my mother. A good example was getting whipped by belt before church. I didn’t want to wear those funny dress pants. I hated the way the fabric felt on my legs. I didn’t mind church, all I wanted was to wear what I wanted, jeans. I would have even wore black jeans. But all my mom would say is, everyone else’s kids wear the dress clothes and she wasn’t going to have people talk about her family.
See what she didn’t know is that, other kids would think I was the coolest for wearing jeans to church but my mom would have been gossiped about. In reality, I just didn’t want to wear dress pants and was willing to get whipped for it. I always lost. It was always worse in the end cause now I had these belt welts all on my legs and now the dress pant fabric sensation felt 10,000% worse all while I had to watch my mom clap and sing to a fucking statue. Talking about ...”Peace Be With You”...oh just fuck right off.
“Because I’m your mother.” Was never a legit reason for me to accept things my mom would tell me to do. My mother and I are not close. I don’t even call her on Mother’s Day. I know I’m shit for that but if I could be different, I would, but I can’t. Too many beatings and not enough understanding.

I'm sorry to hear that. It seems like your mum has issues controlling her temper, and her only resort into subjugating you was to beat you up. It does seem that your mum is concerned more about her self image than trying to want to understand your position at that time. It must be hard to reconcile being religious and saying stuff like "peace be with you" when in actuality your mum doesn't display peaceful said behaviour, and is contrary to the religion she claims to practise. Funny how my mum would use the same phrase, "I am your mother" or "I gave birth to you" so it gives her a free pass to do what she wants when cannot win an argument that i make.

Well, @InfernoMink, i do hope that you're in a better place, and you'd find healing for the hurt / trauma your mum has brought on you, not so much because it was your fault, but it seems like she has issues with emotional regulation and takes it out on you just because "you don't want to do things her way".

Takecare,
Ordz

 

[ordz404]

My relationship with my parents is a complete mess. I don't want to talk about it. I feel more sorry for them though as time goes on. They had a very rough relationship with both of the families they came from. They do ok for themselves, and I'll just say I'm happy for them. But they'll never admit it's a mess and that they've basically transferred their burdens and problems onto me. So, I'm glad to be cut off to start over, from scratch..."lucky me"

Man, sorry to hear about that. Its okay not to want to talk about it. More importantly, I hope for you that it influences you less not that distance has been put between you and them.

Ordz

 

[InfernoMink]

I'm sorry to hear that. It seems like your mum has issues controlling her temper, and her only resort into subjugating you was to beat you up. It does seem that your mum is concerned more about her self image than trying to want to understand your position at that time. It must be hard to reconcile being religious and saying stuff like "peace be with you" when in actuality your mum doesn't display peaceful said behaviour, and is contrary to the religion she claims to practise. Funny how my mum would use the same phrase, "I am your mother" or "I gave birth to you" so it gives her a free pass to do what she wants when cannot win an argument that i make.

Well, @InfernoMink, i do hope that you're in a better place, and you'd find healing for the hurt / trauma your mum has brought on you, not so much because it was your fault, but it seems like she has issues with emotional regulation and takes it out on you just because "you don't want to do things her way".

Takecare,
Ordz

Thanks for the kind words! I’m not angry with her about it, I just don’t make an effort to contact her. There’s more than just being hit. But I guess I’ll talk about that when the time is right.

 

[ordz404]

Thanks for your thoughts. My relationship with my folks comes to mind ever so often only because it's just baffling and sad. Things didn't have to turn out how they did. But I feel sorry for them now. They'll never know me. They'll never get to see what I've created with my life. They'll never have a cut or gift or be able to stand with pride from any of my endeavors. And I'm glad.

I do somehow feel that I share similar sentiments with you. My father is having a harder time with me because i push back these days and call out his shit for being complicit in family drama.
I have accepted the limitations of my family, and I've given up on them. There is a death in that, to give up on someone, more so my own biological folks. They would never share in my achievements nor celebrate in my victories, nor have any meaningful emotional connection with me. Its as you say sad, when i feel that i'm "Done" with them. I have infact grown cold in that aspect of family relationships. So while this thread is for the community, it is also partly my personal reflection in taking stock of my childhood.

 

[Jopetzki]

Pretty good, with the little beating here and there. I don't really care about how they treated me as much as about how they felt, and I am thankful to say that they were peaceful company, and let my affective empathy (Fe) rest after school. Overall, I'd say that my childhood was amazing, based on how I am now at 20 years of age. I have no insecurities, and my intuition has always been correct and obviously so. Love being an INFJ.

 

[yokai]

My parents were drunkards and violent toward each other. It wasn't an every-night thing. It was occasionally directed toward my brother and I; my sibling was one of those who had to talk back and sass every time that he could, so he oftentimes would take the brunt of it. It served as lessons for me to be seen, not heard, what to say and what not to say to avoid similar treatment. I'd say it honed my Ni by learning to anticipate the moods of my parents and avoid certain triggers that would result in tension. Fe came into play when I decided very early on I wanted to work to create a world where others wouldn't have to endure what I did.

 

[just me]

I'd go through it again.

 

[Driftwood]

I had seven mothers, all in the same mommy head. Dissociative identity disorder. Some days she was hugs and Play-Doh and walks in the park, other days she was screwing another woman in our spare bedroom.
Dad ate peanuts and watched cricket, mostly. Sometimes he threw a pan across the kitchen.

 

[Misty]

My mother was / is likely borderline or bi polar, maybe just some mood disorder, we don't know. But she was very negative, ENTJ, nothing ever good enough, razor sharp jabs, passive aggressive, hurtful. Hot tempered.. But 10% of the time she was happy and funny and we were close. She had been mistreated by men and had no trust which also skewed my own views.

My father was highly intelligent, perhaps INTJ or INFJ? But high IQ. He had lots of demons though and all the things he did backed up my mothers words about men.

He ran away from home 3 times in my childhood - for months at a time. We filed missing persons reports over breakfast before school and he would attempt suicide at the end of each excursion. The police would call us to say he'd been found with slit wrists, a tummy full of pills, and the third time hanging from a tree.. I was 19.

Childhood was hard.

 

[Moranga]

My mother was / is likely borderline or bi polar, maybe just some mood disorder, we don't know. But she was very negative, ENTJ, nothing ever good enough, razor sharp jabs, passive aggressive, hurtful. Hot tempered.. But 10% of the time she was happy and funny and we were close. She had been mistreated by men and had no trust which also skewed my own views.

My father was highly intelligent, perhaps INTJ or INFJ? But high IQ. He had lots of demons though and all the things he did backed up my mothers words about men.

He ran away from home 3 times in my childhood - for months at a time. We filed missing persons reports over breakfast before school and he would attempt suicide at the end of each excursion. The police would call us to say he'd been found with slit wrists, a tummy full of pills, and the third time hanging from a tree.. I was 19.

Childhood was hard.

I feel you <3

 

[Misty]

I feel you <3

Did your father commit suicide too? Oh, you mean bc of your mother.. right. Yes.. it's rough. I don't wish that on anyone. I'm sorry for you too..

 

[Moranga]

Did your father commit suicide too? Oh, you mean bc of your mother.. right. Yes.. it's rough. I don't wish that on anyone. I'm sorry for you too..

No, its a different kind of hurt. Im sorry <3

 

[Misty]

No, its a different kind of hurt. Im sorry <3

Thank you.. I believe I'll see him again one day. <3

 

[larcipelago]

This is much a post of self reflection about my own family of origin and psychopathology. I didn't start out as an INFJ, I actualy started out as ISFJ in 2014, and from 2016 - 2020 for the most part i was INFP, now after that tumultuous journey, i've solidified my type as an INFJ.

How was everyone else's experience? I'm curious about parental influence on how that has shaped some of us to become INFJ. My folks never really addressed hard issues. I never had an honest talk with them and i didn't know how to until recently when i had to learn that skill myself.

My dad was for the most part, someone who provided dough. He's good at that, but not so much relationships. And for my mum, i've pretty much maintain a distance with my mother, whom even up to this day, has little self awareness about the toxic and unhealthy rhetoric she spews out, (things which inconvenience her and the sacrifice she has given toward the family, and how it affects her in her tunnel vision.

How about the rest of you guys?

I wanted to go to sleep over some tiredness but this question is really interesting.

I didnt know what I was, but I am sure I was an introvert. I remember some im this forum told me INFJ and other introvert variants arent real, but well let s assume I did accept the consistent results of my test as an INFJ a few years ago.

Nobody treated me differently during childhood. I think that is particularly because I hid all my wierdo ness very well.

I put millions of fences, layers after layers so people cannot guess me inside.

Introversion already accute during childhood, seeing family gathering as fake faces with fake smiles already.

Quite torturing.

I also hate being predictable by people. I hate all the fakeness since my childhood but have kept it myself.

Parents? See me as a naughty boy, did all the best parenting: punishing? Advising?

Me from a broken family? Not at all!
never in my eyes I saw mom and dad pretend to love each other. They really are the perfect soulmate, I was proven right, untill now.

Me? I always feel like I am the curse in the family.

Why did I read this and that? Things I shouldnt know, I figured it out. I often said myself I shouldnt have known it.

Sometimes I couldnt hold it, when I was really angry to someone I spewed it all, O read them in front of their eyes (from learning their habbits) and they usually stood still quietly unbelieved that someone has read them so deeply.

Not many in the family know I know my little bro (3 years younger than me) once mumbled he didnt ever want to be like me, ever. But..

I smiled, when I know from his eyes, he was like saying "thank you big bro, your fuckin attitude saved me on the street from being bullied. But me becoming like you? Never!"

Is my little bro a wierdo, or nerd? No, he did fine he played soccer with other boys like normal kids.

Me? I dont play soccer, I dont play any sports, I dislike socializing. But when it came to problem solving?

They came to me, even boys who I dont play soccer with they sometimes asked my opinion on how to get away from their problems.

I like observing things, I barely had physical fights with friends, but when it happened I usually won, and everyone told me I cheated. So what? Fight is a fight I care the end results only. Honest fight? Never in my dictionary!

I felt that nobody like me and I was fine, I like my loneliness since childhood.

Did I come from a dangerous environment and parents didnt know it? Not really, it is not really dangerous or toxic environment, it was just a normal environment. Kids fight is normal.

Did I have OCDs? May be yes, only to some unrecognized pattern.

I guessed Mom knows this and tried to brainwash me, with repetitive advises to me that "you must be useful and helpful to others" otherwise you are useless to the world.

She knew of my observational skills, so I knew if she was pretending or not.

Till today she made my jaw opened, why in the hell she did something that noble?

Because of me? Or what? What did I do back during my junior high school?
Of course I investigated.

Findings of my intense investigation was:

I knew from others that my mom once told to them: "my son if I dont plant in his head kindness he could grow a very trickly villain."

The results? It drove me really mad, it felt like I was the most evil among all siblings. What s wrong with me? Again, asking myself am I a curse to the family? If so just disposed me.

I rarely stayed at home and I stayed more with my uncle (who kived quite far away from my parents), whom I felt he knew me more than mom and dad.

We had some good time, he was still annoyed over chess game I often beat him but said, dont worry "I know how to take care of you"

That is all the word I wanted to hear after all. Why everybody couldnt understand that? That was my very questions during my childhood.

Who wanted to be labeled as an evil?

I did manipulated some things, but it was of necessity (in my childhood opinion). For example: my daily exam score was bad, I forged my teacher's marking. I hated it when dad was ober curious of my exams.

Also, when someone saying something that is for me is so untrue, I hated it.

For example: dad said "hey looked you could be a beggard like them if you dont study hard,"

You know what I did? I came to the beggards one day, I didnt know why but the beggard seemed comfortable explaining to me about their lifes.

And conclusion? They were not poor because of laziness, but because they didnt even get a fair chances in everything.

It drove me mad twice: dad was lying and 2nd: the society is fucked. I became an anti social, becoming more and more suspicious towards other

and parents? They kinda say; what did I do wrong? why this kid is always troubling himself?

Everything that was so perfect and harmony in my family felt not fit into my character.

Me? A fu**in alien in the family. I never cried I never expressed my sorrowness, and from that moment alone I realize I will be a lone wolf.

I did survive all my thoughts, slowering my pace, reducing all the adrenaline rush activities, and thanking my perfect parents.

Most importantly after seeing a little pretty face born into this world: my daughter.

I hope she didnt suffer like me, but her eyes and the way she looked at people when (observing) is worrying me.

"She will be well taken care though"

 

[Y1gtfmd74i5u]

know I’m shit for that but if I could be different, I would, but I can’t.

You’re not. It sounds natural to want to distance yourself from that. You shouldn’t have to feel obligated to bend to other people’s feelings when it has nothing to do with your character whatsoever. That sounds like a horrible experience and if distance helps you with healing as an adult, it doesn’t make you anything but human. If anything I feel like an idiot for even saying anything knowing that it’s been a huge decision for you to make in life and I hope that you can change that negative self talk into a positive. It’s actually extremely smart to protect yourself. Children shouldn’t have to owe their parents anything.

 

[Y1gtfmd74i5u]

On that note, bump. I’d love to see how much op has grown since January.

 

[InfernoMink]

You’re not. It sounds natural to want to distance yourself from that. You shouldn’t have to feel obligated to bend to other people’s feelings when it has nothing to do with your character whatsoever. That sounds like a horrible experience and if distance helps you with healing as an adult, it doesn’t make you anything but human. If anything I feel like an idiot for even saying anything knowing that it’s been a huge decision for you to make in life and I hope that you can change that negative self talk into a positive. It’s actually extremely smart to protect yourself. Children shouldn’t have to owe their parents anything.

Never ever feel like an idiot.
Not when you lead with your heart and I can tell you did just that. I appreciate your words. I actually called my mother recently. She was on her way to Central America for a month. I know it made her day and the best part is I was able to get some insight regarding my nephews who are now in their 20’s and we reconnected and it’s amazing how much they are like me as far as loving film and they really have me dreaming for the first time in my life.

 

[Y1gtfmd74i5u]

Never ever feel like an idiot.
Not when you lead with your heart and I can tell you did just that. I appreciate your words. I actually called my mother recently. She was on her way to Central America for a month. I know it made her day and the best part is I was able to get some insight regarding my nephews who are now in their 20’s and we reconnected and it’s amazing how much they are like me as far as loving film and they really have me dreaming for the first time in my life.

That’s good! I really do feel that it’s okay to take your time with your healing process instead of feeling like a bad kid in that situation. The hardest thing about being a parent is finding a balance between being firm yet having gentle guidance towards solving their problems.The last thing I would ever want for my kids to feel when growing up is that they’ve failed at becoming the best version of themselves that they can become. You should be able to feel that way about yourself and your process. I’m always happy to hear that relationships are repairing though!

 

[mintoots]

On that note, bump. I’d love to see how much op has grown since January.

Where is @ordz404? I nominate bringing Ordz back to life!

 

[mintoots]

The contents of this thread stuck with me throughout the day and so I suppose I must write about my parents more lucidly as if I haven't written enough. I was perfectly loved as a child. My mother wanted me such that she went through hoops to have me even in an uncertain relationship. She married my father hastily---- exactly six months from when they met again. She reasoned that since they knew each other since high school, it was counted as knowing each other long enough despite never really being together since.

I know I was wanted because my bed time stories had been about how they met, and how she prayed to God to let her have me. She prayed and was answered through dreams, she said. I knew she loved me. It was in the way she took care of me. Over time, my mother's career had blossomed as her relationship with my father dissipated completely. I don't know my father intimately. I was 35 when I learned he knew how to play the guitar and was a great singer. I vaguely remember my mother mentioning it to me on one of those bed time stories. She anticipated I'd sing well because everybody from my father's family sang well. At least this is what I remember.

As I grew up, I was treated more as an adult and less a kid. I had a taste of independence when I was six when I was allowed to walk home from the community daycare without a chaperone. I was eight when I was allowed to do the same even when I was transferred to the big school. I took public transports and had my own wallet. At ten, I was in on huge decisions. By the time I was twelve, I was allowed to make the important decisions by myself: did I or did I not want to go to a more competitive high school? By this time, I was already managing my own allowance, which my mother made me account for with detailed liquidation and corresponding receipts. When I was fourteen, I was already her confidante. My mother and I had a relationship that evolved from mother and child to colleagues and equals and later to child and ill parent. It was a complete circle.

Suffice to say I was raised to be as independent as possible. She taught me to tuck my hardships in and to be steadfast in my decisions. She was gone a lot so she ended making up for lost time with material gifts, which is why it's not a surprise that I'm a bit averse to materialism. I was raised very lovingly in spite of all my issues.