INFJs, how did your folks treat you when you were children? | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

INFJs, how did your folks treat you when you were children?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by ordz404, Jan 20, 2021.

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  1. Learner

    Learner Regular Poster

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    My parents had challenging childhoods themselves and also in their early marriage. But, they gave my brother and me all they had. In retrospect, we were poor financially, but as children, we didn't know that! We were rich in the experiences they gave us: family picnics, trips to grandpa's farm, supporting us in activities, helping us with homework assignments as needed. Most of all they modeled the values of family that have carried on to this day. How little we knew at the time, what they were giving us?
     
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  2. GreenTea

    GreenTea Community Member

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    I had an alcoholic parent. I felt let down a lot. The arguments terrified me. I grew fearful. It was hard to enjoy the happy times, the drinker could start drinking at any moment. It became difficult to trust anyone, to trust life. Reality became too painful to deal with. I guess I learned how to repress my feelings, I seemed to stop feeling anything. My parents had enough problems to deal with and no one ever noticed how I felt. It took years to work through these issues and find peace.

    I don't know if this influenced my MBTI type.
     
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  3. Hostarius

    Hostarius Dad Bodinem

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    Sounds familiar.


    I was raised by a single mother with much the same traits as Pepper described - mine was a fiercely protective and coddling helicopter parent who was terrified of any harm coming to me. This meant that I wasn't really allowed any responsibility with things like power tools (I don't know why that is the first example that comes to mind, but it is), ostensibly because I was 'clumsy' she said.

    At the same time I was given the whole 'man of the house' schtick and made to feel responsible for our safety. While I wasn't allowed to use a drill, I was expected to go out at night to run errands if she was too afraid to. The messaging here wasn't consistent, though, and sometimes (even now) she'd be coddling about my safety at night. I think she was torn between the twin aims of on one hand wanting to protect me from the world, and on the other wanting to raise the 'perfect man'.

    I imbibed these strangely insistent teachings about what an 'ideal man' should be, which meant 'husband' and 'father', and in particular meant being unlike my own father. She was afraid that I would grow up to be an abuser and made sure that I knew she would completely abandon me, &c., if she ever found out that I'd struck a woman. My own father had been physically violent to her, and I think she displaced some of this fear and hatred onto me. My family name and paternal family was disparaged, and I was made to feel ashamed of my birth.

    Even so, I grew up with no doubts that I was loved and the environment was stable, despite her temper and screaming over small matters like socks being left on the floor. Though we were very poor, my mum was exceptionally diligent and thrifty with money, and she always tried her best to provide good Christmases and birthdays.

    Around the ages of 13-15 I basically lost all respect for her because I realised that she was terribly irrational, and adopted the policy of 'my mum is always wrong'. We fought a lot in my teenage years.

    Though I wouldn't have made the same parenting choices she did, I think she did a very good job considering the circumstances, and I can forgive her for the rest.
     
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    #23 Hostarius, Jan 30, 2021
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  4. Vict

    Vict mechanical and habitual agent
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    Ah well, you know. They are imperfect but loving. I never went without, etc. I think there's some regret on their end and I struggle to face it. It feels like A Talk I'm not prepared to have.
     
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  5. Korg

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    This is beautiful and I'm somewhat envious that you experienced this. It is what I have with my parents now, but it wasn't until my mid-to-late 20's that it was possible. I wanted them to let me unfold, which they did, but they were determined to control the process thereby assuring themselves of a desired -- and even necessary in their eyes -- outcome. Actually, it was 90% my mom vs my inviolable free will and it made for a combative relationship that eventually reached near hatred on both our parts.

    On the other hand, it taught us both forgiveness and has allowed us to forge a very deep bond because of that. Somehow, the love that was always there found a way through 25 years of conflict. So while I wish I could have known her this way earlier on in my life when I needed her to champion me, I respect our relationship for how it worked out and I'm glad we were able to reach a point where we could have understanding, teach each other lessons and love each other.
     
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  6. Wyote

    Wyote (#/-\[]$ ([]`/[]'|'[-
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    It always makes me happy to hear when people sort out things with their families.
    Sometimes it's simply not possible, but I think it's worth the effort in trying.
    I should note that it hasn't been a completely rosy ride my entire life.
    I went through a very difficult period of life in my late teens and early twenties which necessitated individual and family therapy.
    Thankfully my parents were open to all of that as well. They really are some of the best people and I'm extremely fortunate in that way.
     
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  7. flower

    flower
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    My parents divorced when I was 5 years old and I was raised by a single mother.

    My mother was protective, loving and caring. She has had serious chronic health problems throughout her life, but she was able to take care of her family. I'm grateful that we always had the basic necessities and the things we needed given the difficult financial situation at times. She did a great job raising us and I couldn't wish for a better parent.

    My father was a bit distant, insensitive, cold and very strict. Showing emotions wasn't allowed as much. Otherwise and overall, I think he was a good parent in my childhood.
     
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    #27 flower, Jan 30, 2021
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  8. OP
    ordz404

    ordz404 Community Member

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    I can see how a decision making tree would show how things would pan out. More so when i can actually visualise such a scenario in my head.
     
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  9. OP
    ordz404

    ordz404 Community Member

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    That's really awesome wyote, I do wished i had an emotionally mature mother.
    Unfortunately she is old and i doubt she would change. It is a lament and i have already grieved through the loss of not having a mum who would understand or respect me.

    I do not hate her but i actually spare no energy to engage with her emotionally, even though she is my mum. Years of constant negativity have compounded and my body actually reacts to her.
    I can't even remember the last time she said anything affirming to me in the last 5 or even 10 years. Each time she said something, it was something to put me down, or something i hadn't done her way.
    Life's been such and i grew up mostly past my 20s not knowing love from my folks, ( and this might not even be uncommon )

    So yeah, im looking forward when my home is ready and i can move in to my own space and just have solace there. I think its a moon man thing.... Lol

    Ordz
     
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  10. Wyote

    Wyote (#/-\[]$ ([]`/[]'|'[-
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    My circumstance is unfortunately the less common one.
    Even so, it's important for every individual to have the drive to create their own space/life.
    I hope you find comfort/meaning in that pursuit. You are no less worthy/capable due to the circumstances you are born in to.
     
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  11. OP
    ordz404

    ordz404 Community Member

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    Hmm.. i actually wonder if INFx have a higher proclivity toward depression. I for one had felt alot of despair and hopelessness four years ago.
    But the strange thing is, at the end of my recovery, i'm permanently typed INFJ and i do find myself comfortable in my skin.
    Perhaps i've grown in my resilience, i don't really care if people don't get me. I just save my energy and spend time with those who do, its a choice... but also one which helps me maintain my mental sanity and maintain a healthy level on my emotional tank.

    @SpecialEd, i do hope you're out of that state of panic or depression and have been doing better yeah?

    Ordz
     
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  12. OP
    ordz404

    ordz404 Community Member

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    Its cool mate, i've accepted my lot in life, i have neither envy nor hatred, and i no longer hope things could have been better.
    I can't change the past but i can still influence my own future. I acknowledge their ( my folks ) limitation on things, so I've ceased trying to beat a dead horse, or bark up the wrong tree.
    I've grown weary in over doing those things so i no longer push nor desire it. Its like the death of a person of sorts, its the end of a deep and long struggle for acceptance. I ended it so i could move on and find my own happiness in life.
    They aren't malicious people, but they just lack the emotional tools to engage. So i just keep the distance and they seem happy even if its superficial for them.

    Ordz
     
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  13. SpecialEdition

    SpecialEdition Well-known member

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    Is it that INFX are more prone to mental health issues or is it that mental health issues bring out traits that fall in line with INFX personality types and so people type themselves through the lens of mental illness? Perhaps we will never know!

    I don't know what the experience is like for someone who goes through life and then experiences a mental illness after living so long without one. I think in some ways that's harder than what I had to deal with. I'm pretty sure I came out of the womb anxious and depressed and I figured out a way to scrape through life like that. I have been mostly panic free since around 2012/2013 so I'm all good there. Now I'm just dealing with the rest. I have very robust coping mechanisms so even if I'm depressed I don't really drown in it.
     
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  14. Wyote

    Wyote (#/-\[]$ ([]`/[]'|'[-
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    Glad to hear. I am familiar with this process of acceptance, vicariously through friendships I've forged.
     
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  15. OP
    ordz404

    ordz404 Community Member

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    I did a full 180 in these past 5 months. I've been so stable and i just started seeing my therapist less, since he too has agreed that i'm generally better,
    Good coping mechanism is a must! That can even determine if one falls back to the unhealthy zone. There are days which i feel somewhat lonely, but thats a long shot from feeling depressed.
    Some of my friends have mentioned i looked more "zen" to them.... and im generally more content. My last session at therapy was more like a freaking "catch up" session than me needing to talk about issues.

    My therapist was even went "wow, look at you, your friend is even lining up a new lass for you to get to know... just except that shes works in the same office as you." and we had a good laugh.
    Good to know you're better now @SpecialEdition having panic attacks ain't fun. I had experienced one before and it felt like my chest was exploding and i was extremely helpless and im glad im well enough to never have to need to go through that ordeal again.

    Ordz
     
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  16. OP
    ordz404

    ordz404 Community Member

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    More importantly, @GreenTea how do you feel about yourself now?
     
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  17. SpecialEdition

    SpecialEdition Well-known member

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    It's always nice to get feedback like that from your therapist. I have had a couple sessions like that with therapists through the years and you realize you don't have much to talk about anymore because you've put in the work and come through.
     
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  18. GreenTea

    GreenTea Community Member

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    Well, I feel like I have done my very best to deal with the issues I faced. With little support from anyone. I feel a lot better about myself than in the past. I can feel my emotions fully now. That sounds silly but it took many years for me to be able to do that.

    The trust issues I'm working on. It's slowly getting easier to let people get close. The fear and anxiety aren't too bad now.

    I got into a relationship years ago with a man who turned out to be an alcoholic. I am very thankful I got out of this relationship and didn't repeat my childhood experience. It was hard to leave him but it's surely better to be alone than to live like that again.

    I'm feeling hopeful about the future.
     
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  19. OP
    ordz404

    ordz404 Community Member

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    I'm glad to see that we're having a fruitful discussion and helping those who're commenting a little space and exercise to reflect on our own childhood and where we are right now. There isn't any right or wrong answers... its just collectively our experiences could help bring different perspectives and therefore understanding on how we've landed to where we are currently.

    Ordz
     
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  20. Hostarius

    Hostarius Dad Bodinem

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    Depression is correlated with introversion, yes.

    Introvert brains are seemingly wired up to experience melancholia as part of their natural functioning, but the leap to depression is something else.
     
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