Ambyguity
One
- MBTI
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 4w5
There have been plenty of posts about social anxiety, but I specifically want to address what I think is the main problem about being an INFJ with social anxiety. The problem is this:
Obviously, there’s a bit of a paradox here. In my personal situation, social anxiety is conflicting because I’m not normally shy. I have moments where the anxiety isn’t strong, and then I have no problem communicating and connecting. I don’t mind asserting myself, I can move fluidly with a group dynamic, and have good, fun, in-depth conversations. In other words, my Fe’s natural ability takes over.
That’s why, when the anxiety hits, it is accompanied by shame and a sense of failure — I know I can be different, but true anxiety, unlike mere shyness or introversion, is paralyzing. It’s a far cry from my love of solitude and introspection. Instead I am intensely aware that I am being starved of something I need, yet I find myself unable to overcome the situation. To keep myself from openly panicking, I withdraw, appearing uninterested and cold and blank.
Lately it’s gotten so bad that I feel unable to connect to anyone, even my husband (he’s an INTJ). I’m a college graduate still living in the city I my university was in, but most of my friends have moved, and my family lives a couple states away. I’m attending graduate school at a different university, and though I have an assistantship and a position as an editor in a local literary journal, I still feel disconnected from the people at work and in my classes. I only have a couple of good friends left from college and my old retail job, and I feel incapable of making new ones.
Also, for some reason, almost all of the people I consider my friends are male — I almost feel like this is because they don’t notice and aren’t bothered by my sense of separateness the way most of the females I know, who tend to be much more tuned into that sort of thing, are (I’m sorry if that sounds sexist, but I am referring to specific people I’ve interacted with recently, not males vs. females in general. I've known plenty of perceptive males and oblivious females as well).
I’m sure I’m not the only INFJ to experience something like this. Assuming that’s true, what are your experiences in trying to cope with social anxiety as a Fe secondary? Have you found any strategies that actually help? Do you have suggestions for initiating friendships despite the fear of rejection?
Any insight is appreciated, and I’d loved to hear your stories.
1. As an Fe secondary, I need social interaction; I need to feel like I am a part of something with people who are likeminded or with whom I share goals; and I need to have one or two trusted friends with whom I can be myself, care for, and relax without having to put on a show.
2. As someone with social anxiety, social situations can be agonizing. I fear that I am excluded from groups and can have difficulty trying to form connections based on that possibility of rejection.
Obviously, there’s a bit of a paradox here. In my personal situation, social anxiety is conflicting because I’m not normally shy. I have moments where the anxiety isn’t strong, and then I have no problem communicating and connecting. I don’t mind asserting myself, I can move fluidly with a group dynamic, and have good, fun, in-depth conversations. In other words, my Fe’s natural ability takes over.
That’s why, when the anxiety hits, it is accompanied by shame and a sense of failure — I know I can be different, but true anxiety, unlike mere shyness or introversion, is paralyzing. It’s a far cry from my love of solitude and introspection. Instead I am intensely aware that I am being starved of something I need, yet I find myself unable to overcome the situation. To keep myself from openly panicking, I withdraw, appearing uninterested and cold and blank.
Lately it’s gotten so bad that I feel unable to connect to anyone, even my husband (he’s an INTJ). I’m a college graduate still living in the city I my university was in, but most of my friends have moved, and my family lives a couple states away. I’m attending graduate school at a different university, and though I have an assistantship and a position as an editor in a local literary journal, I still feel disconnected from the people at work and in my classes. I only have a couple of good friends left from college and my old retail job, and I feel incapable of making new ones.
Also, for some reason, almost all of the people I consider my friends are male — I almost feel like this is because they don’t notice and aren’t bothered by my sense of separateness the way most of the females I know, who tend to be much more tuned into that sort of thing, are (I’m sorry if that sounds sexist, but I am referring to specific people I’ve interacted with recently, not males vs. females in general. I've known plenty of perceptive males and oblivious females as well).
I’m sure I’m not the only INFJ to experience something like this. Assuming that’s true, what are your experiences in trying to cope with social anxiety as a Fe secondary? Have you found any strategies that actually help? Do you have suggestions for initiating friendships despite the fear of rejection?
Any insight is appreciated, and I’d loved to hear your stories.