INFJs and feelings of being alone, different, disconnected or lost

[EloquentBohemian]

Did anyone almost get a sense that there was something "wrong" with them? I always understood myself to be different than others, and after a while it seemed like no one else really felt this, and I was worried that I had some sort of personality disorder or something for a while

Definitely. Ever since grade school, I continually felt outside any of the groups or cliques and moving often didn't help matters. Because I didn't fit in, there was this feeling that there was something about who I was which was, as you put it, 'wrong' with me. Coupled with the facts that books - mostly fairy tales in grade school and mythology and poetry in later grades - were my favourite escapes and English was my best subject, friends were few and far between. This only added to my interior assessment that I was somehow 'wrong'. And Phys. Ed and sports... well...*blech*.

During my school years though, there were no designations of personality disorders commonly accepted or known, so there were no categories to describe how I felt. There were only two options - conform or remain alienated. The few attempts at conforming resulted either in ridicule or rejection, either on my part by rejecting the structure conformed to or by those within the group doing the rejecting.

Through maturity and acquired knowledge, I understand this period in life better. The residuals of this feeling of 'wrongness' do emerge from time to time within certain situations, yet I acknowldge them as individual uniqueness more than 'wrongness'. It is the attitudes and opinions of others which label my uniqueness as 'wrong', so this label is either ignored or challenged.

 

[sumone]

When I was a kid I was popular and considered one of the cool kids. The popularity was accidental really; my particular personality just happened to be popular at that point in my life.
But inside I didn't feel popular at all. I often wondered what it would be like to be a 'regular' kid, think regular thoughts and lead a regular life. They seemed so innocent to me. I always felt out of step with other people no matter how well I seemed to meld with them.
I didn't think there was something wrong with me exactly, I just knew I was different.

 

[PoetOfDreams]

Did anyone almost get a sense that there was something "wrong" with them? I always understood myself to be different than others, and after a while it seemed like no one else really felt this, and I was worried that I had some sort of personality disorder or something for a while

+1

 

[Ophelia]

Did anyone almost get a sense that there was something "wrong" with them? I always understood myself to be different than others, and after a while it seemed like no one else really felt this, and I was worried that I had some sort of personality disorder or something for a while

I still feel like that.

 

[Ophelia]

I try to take my time to answer as well, to express precisely what I want to say very clearly. However, sometimes I'm not very good at it, and it takes longer than I want it to. I often fear that the person who is waiting for an answer will not wait that long. As a child, and at various jobs as an adult, I have often been reprimanded for actually taking the time to answer accurately. What I think and what I feel about something usually takes the longest, since it's typically the last thing I've paid attention to in the past. As a result, I often give a sort of knee-jerk response, such as automatically saying, "no" to a request, or even unintentionally betraying my true self in conversation simply because I was afraid to take the time to think my answer out like I needed to.

Other times, there is just *so much* going on around me that I feel like I can't think. I am a single parent of a young child, so quiet really isn't present in my life... In a lot of ways, I am oblivious to my surroundings, I can't navigate my own living room without saying, "how long has that chair been there? Why is it tripping me?". Often, things that are right in front of me completely slip by my (read: lack of) radar. However, I can't tune out my own child, and I wouldn't want to. It's hard to think when you're over-stimulated. Unfortunately, between her and work, I often am.

As far as others go, I have very little room in my life (for obvious reasons), and really can't afford to make mistakes when it comes to judgment of other people's character. I haven't found very many people that I feel comfortable opening up to in any sense of the word, and I've ended up maybe a bit isolated as a result. Besides, the small amount of time that I do have is usually reserved for my daughter, though I do take a little for myself to relax & recharge (that happens best when I'm alone, as much as I love them, other people are tiring).

Sorry for the lengthy rant about things I'd willingly bet no one wants to hear about.

Here is a link to a blog that talks about some of that clumsiness we were talking about.

HSP Blog

I also edit everything I post 16 times, lol

I liked reading what you wrote some of it I could relate to, other things were interesting, and other things gave me somethings to think over.

 

[Tennislad]

I probably worded that all wrong... Ever feel like no matter how you word something, it doesn't quite convey exactly the message you want it to?

definitely. Its like there is a barrier between what is going inside your head and what is coming out of your mouth. That is why i usually rehearse things in my head before I say them otherwise words come out and people just sit there because they have no idea what I just said. It can get frustrating sometimes. My mind works pretty quickly and everything makes sense, but putting it into words is quite different.

 

[Azure_Knight]

There is nothing wrong with being an INFJ. We are simply different from other people because of who we are. The best thing in my opinion that an INFJ can do is to come to terms with who we are: shortcomings as well as gifts. Even if we could change personality types, I'm not sure it is worth it. Being an INFJ is a gift (loneliness and all!)

As far as talking to other people, I can relate. My theory is that we simply have a different language that we use to formulate our ideas, thoughts, and feelings. We intuitively know what we want to say, but oftentimes slices and depth of meaning and our feelings gets lost somewhere in the translation from intuitive to spoken word (sort of like a filter that is in other languages; you can lose so much from going from one langauge to another!) To describe our thoughts to other people is very difficult because how does one describe a feeling? What modifiers to you use? What intensity do we attribute to that particular feeling? We are usually much better at writing down our feelings/thoughts because of the structure that we can have with writing. Speaking is just something that is more difficult because we can't restructure ourselves as well on the fly. We will always have trouble expressing ourselves because we are intuitive people. We just 'get' how we feel. We can also be quite the perfectionist sometimes ^.^

If the people are really worth talking to and expressing your feelings to them, they will listen and will wait for your answer.

This is my first time coming to this forum and posting. I know there is probably an intro page somewhere, so I'll post there next. My purpose here is to learn more about being an INFJ and to offer my experience to anyone that might need it. Please don't be shy to ask

I'll leave this interesting gem I received from a good friend a while back. The story is called the Professor and the Jar:



[FONT=arial, sans-serif]A Professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial, sans-serif]So the Professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial, sans-serif]The Professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes." [/FONT]

[FONT=arial, sans-serif]The Professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the space between the grains of sand. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial, sans-serif]"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial, sans-serif]The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else -the small stuff. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial, sans-serif]"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial, sans-serif]If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial, sans-serif]Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. [/FONT]
[FONT=arial, sans-serif]There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The Professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend." [/FONT]

 

[Vegscara]

There is nothing wrong with being an INFJ. We are simply different from other people because of who we are. The best thing in my opinion that an INFJ can do is to come to terms with who we are: shortcomings as well as gifts. Even if we could change personality types, I'm not sure it is worth it. Being an INFJ is a gift (loneliness and all!)

As far as talking to other people, I can relate. My theory is that we simply have a different language that we use to formulate our ideas, thoughts, and feelings. We intuitively know what we want to say, but oftentimes slices and depth of meaning and our feelings gets lost somewhere in the translation from intuitive to spoken word (sort of like a filter that is in other languages; you can lose so much from going from one langauge to another!) To describe our thoughts to other people is very difficult because how does one describe a feeling? What modifiers to you use? What intensity do we attribute to that particular feeling? We are usually much better at writing down our feelings/thoughts because of the structure that we can have with writing. Speaking is just something that is more difficult because we can't restructure ourselves as well on the fly. We will always have trouble expressing ourselves because we are intuitive people. We just 'get' how we feel. We can also be quite the perfectionist sometimes ^.^

If the people are really worth talking to and expressing your feelings to them, they will listen and will wait for your answer.

This is my first time coming to this forum and posting. I know there is probably an intro page somewhere, so I'll post there next. My purpose here is to learn more about being an INFJ and to offer my experience to anyone that might need it. Please don't be shy to ask

I'll leave this interesting gem I received from a good friend a while back. The story is called the Professor and the Jar:



[FONT=arial, sans-serif]A Professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial, sans-serif]So the Professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial, sans-serif]The Professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes." [/FONT]

[FONT=arial, sans-serif]The Professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the space between the grains of sand. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial, sans-serif]"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial, sans-serif]The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else -the small stuff. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial, sans-serif]"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial, sans-serif]If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. [/FONT]

[FONT=arial, sans-serif]Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. [/FONT]
[FONT=arial, sans-serif]There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The Professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend." [/FONT]

lol... I think

 

[Little Brother]

Nope, you're not alone. INxxs in particular tend to have a few close friends. Isolation and loneliness can result if we don't force ourselves to keep some social interaction.

A group setting, particularly one that involves physical activity is perfect. If your main aim is to meet women pick an activity that has a lot of them, dancing if you're into it, self-defence classes etc. Just pick something and start it.



Btw I don’t get why the pic has been added to your post.

Good advice. Thanks a bunch!

 

[Little Brother]

I think I can relate to the feeling. Often, particularly, when I was little I had the sensation that I was a part of someone's dream and when they awoke I would cease to exist. I too felt that I was always standing outside the window watching the world move beyond the glass.

The past year or so I have felt better. I have at least come to peace with my own solitude and that I am perhaps too different to find many similar people. I don't feel so lost anymore, just different.

Perhaps INFJs project too much of their ideals onto an imperfect world and feel disappointed by its imperfection. If you can accept at the very least that the world is faulted, but that you can do something to make it a little better, you may not feel so lost.

I like what you are saying here, especially in the last paragraph.

 

[WickedPod]

At the risk of having yet another long-ass post...

If this helps you not feel too alone, I'll let you know how I even came to find out what personality I am.

I was at my grandmama's house for Mother's Day and my much older 2nd cousin's wife made a comment that I am high-maintenance. I was really offended, because I liken high-maintenance to self-absorption and superficiality. I have never, ever, ever been called this nor have I ever thought myself as such. I couldn't sleep, because I was so horrified that anyone, even she who doesn't know me much at all, would come to that conclusion about me. She actually said "I don't know you well, but if there is one thing I do know about you is that you're very high-maintenance". I could have barfed. My brother and mom quickly came to my defense, but it didn't help my mind and heart. Why would she think such a thing.

Then I thought, well when I'm around my mother's family I tend to have issues with needing attention. But, she knows nothing of why I'm that way. Regardless of my moderate behavior as a child, I have been forced to be the black sheep of that side of the family. I have a brother that was always in trouble, including with the law, but is very handsome and charming. I have two younger, female cousins that were raised by my iron-fisted aunt, so they never did anything wrong or had a bad grade. I could have been valedictorian of my class, but I didn't give a shit to. My oldest brother was a co-black sheep until he joined the Army 6 years ago and was deployed to Iraq. All of a sudden he's so great and everyone wants to see him and talk to him. Fuck them, sorry for my language. He's the only one that understands me...he's also an INFJ.

Not only all of this with my family, but I was tormented in school from my early years and it got worse as I moved up. I was made fun of for being pale, for having big eyes, for being ugly, for being fat, for being smart, and for being quiet. I always had negative self-esteem and felt worthless. I actually let other people make me that way. I was physically pushed around and yelled at by guys that I had never met for being "fat and ugly". And when I wasn't being tormented, I was completely ignored. I was invisible. For someone that never had any self-esteem, it only made things worse. I only had one friend, and that was my boyfriend. I had entered high school with some girlfriends, but when they started to be ugly to other people (mean girls syndrome) I told them I couldn't be friends with someone that could be so mean to other people, regardless of how they treated me. Being true to myself and my inner morals led me to have no one, but my wonderful boyfriend. Four years later, that boyfriend passed away and I was completely alone...until I met my terrible, controlling, abusive ex-fiance. My late boyfriend was the only person in my life that ever made me feel special and worth being loved. My parents are great parents, but with my brother being in trouble all the time I was definitely on the back burner when I needed them the most. I was clinically depressed and constantly contemplated suicide.

I now have a fantastic husband and a beautiful, happy little boy. I have a great relationship with my parents and my brothers. But, there have only been three people in this world that have ever understood me. My oldest brother, who is living on the Army base in Mannheim, Germany, my late boyfriend, and my husband who is very extroverted, so doesn't get my anti-social tendencies. My husband is very non-confrontational, so when people in my family say things that hurt me, he won't say anything until we leave and he'll tell me how much it pisses him off that they do that to me. Everyone in my life, with the exception of those I listed, have thought me overly-sensitive, zany, schitzo, hot-head.

I still feel so very alone. Not in a physical or love sense, but just in a sense of understanding. That's why I'm here. I took a personality test that night of Mother's Day and the profile of INFJs was so spot-on for me that I knew I wasn't really alone. There actually are others out there that are like me.

In a nutshell, you're not alone, but it's completely normal to feel that way.

I'm not a very concise person...sorry.

 

[amplified83]

I am very glad I found this forum, because beforehand I thought I was all alone. Now I know I am not. I too have suffered as those before have listed (loneliness, made fun of through adolescence, depression, etc) and the going is still hard sometimes. Oftentimes I sit and think "Man I wish I was like that guy" or "Man I wish I was more of this" but then I realize that I wouldn't want to someone else for the life of me. It is just too much fun being different! Two things that have helped me through the past couple of years have been volunteering in organizations and a fantastic group of friends. The former gives me a purpose in life (which I need, otherwise I feel lost and become depressed) and the latter provides security, stability, and an outlet for restlessness. My contributions (advice, shoulder to cry on, bantering+companionship) are appreciated and reciprocated. They also give me the space I need. It doesn't matter if the rest of the world thinks you're weird as long as you're content with yourself. One a sidenote, I'm not sure if this has been noted or not but a good chunk of my feelings of loneliness disappeared one I left high school to a more accepting university. I feel like I have more freedom to be myself there. Pardon my ramblings, I just wanted to add my two cents

 

[Lune Froide]

This may be answered elsewhere but i'm feeling a little overwhelmed by all the posts and threads on the forum right now so I'll just ask and maybe someone will pick this up.

Do all of these feelings of being alone, different, disconnected or lost occur in any other personality types? What other personality forums would I see this thread in? If at all?

 

[gloomy-optimist]

I think it tends to be more of a pattern in NF types than any other, but whether or not there's a specific type that struggles with this as much, I'm not sure. I'd guess it'd be most common in INFx types.

 

[chain]

This may be answered elsewhere but i'm feeling a little overwhelmed by all the posts and threads on the forum right now so I'll just ask and maybe someone will pick this up.

Do all of these feelings of being alone, different, disconnected or lost occur in any other personality types? What other personality forums would I see this thread in? If at all?

Please tell me it didn't take 8 pages for this question to come up.

To answer the question: Of course.

The MBTI is based on conscious thought. Something like this, goes deeper than that, which makes the MBTI a faulty categorization tool in this case. Personally, I'd rather use the Enneagram which is based on the Ego. BTW, the feelings described are a defining characteristic of type 4's.

Emotion is as much a reaction as it is a cause. The sadness and loneliness is an emotional response to something deeper ie feeling that you don't fit. The real questions to ask yourself are: "Is it really that important?" and "What do I want to do about it?" Even being a pragmatist, I wouldn't bother with "why?" because it's irrelevant. The odds of you ever changing your fit with the world are astronomically bad.

Disclaimer: Below is simply information. It is not, nor does it imply, a judgement. It's included for reference only.

To give a bit of personal background, I'm a type 8. I understand the feeling, though my emotion is the reverse. We don't fit with the world either, though instead of focusing the negative emotion internally, we focus it externally. Basically, instead of being lonely because we don't fit, we're angry because the world doesn't fit with us. Instead of seeing ourselves as flawed, we see the world as flawed.

 

[Jana]

To give a bit of personal background, I'm a type 8. I understand the feeling, though my emotion is the reverse. We don't fit with the world either, though instead of focusing the negative emotion internally, we focus it externally. Basically, instead of being lonely because we don't fit, we're angry because the world doesn't fit with us. Instead of seeing ourselves as flawed, we see the world as flawed.

Something like this, INTJ -prayer:

Lord, keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.

 

[Jana]

Actually, when I have good moments (and they are more frequent than before), I see this partial disconnection from others as a good thing. It gives me sort of independence and freedom.

 

[Transition]

Hey, Just wanted to jump on and say how refreshing this entire thread has been. I have been going through the motions of married with children for 17 years now, and have always felt something was wrong with me. I ALWAYS feel empty. I never fit in. I don't fit in with the church or even my family.

My INTJ husband is a great father and an icon at the church. Everyone likes him. We do pretty well as a parenting team. The kids are turning out well. Financially we're very comfortable, big house, comfortable budget.

Yet I'm always alone.

The cruises and road trips should be really fun and meaningful, but instead I stare off into space while my husband plays with the kids. And I wonder, what is wrong with me? Why isn't this meaningful to me?

This forum and thread is helping me see it's because I'm not connecting with anyone. My husband never connects with me. An intimate relationship is what I was designed for, and I have never had one with him. I don't really have anyone else that I connect with either. We never talk. He is so interactive and so into the children, but he really isn't into me.

It sure is refreshing to see there isn't something wrong with me! This is my personality, it's just who I am. But I'm angry. Angry that I've wasted 17 years of my life with a man who won't take the time to connect with me. Angry for all the times I cried myself to sleep and he never even noticed. Or if he did notice, he would force a logical solution onto me and order me to stop crying.

I hope this posting isn't too intense. I truly think INFJs need an extroverted, dominant partner who will proactively pull us out of our shells! I also think we need an extroverted partner who is also intuitive and feeling. Somehow or another, I ended up with neither!

 

[Shai Gar]

so kick him and point him at mbti and how you need your connections.

 

[Emily]

Perhaps you do need an extrovert or not Transition.

I do not see the problem with aloneness, if you are you must have wanted to be or why would you. But I understand why he is interacting with the children, children are bright, they want to know the how and why of everything, they are creative, they are like us. I read you post and think what is your deal?
Why aren't you into your children and husband?
Why do you stand there bored while your family has a great time and expect them to connect with you?
Why can't you connect with them, why shouldn't you make the effort?
What do you expect them to do?
Why should a cruise or road trip be meaningful?
Transportation is not designed to evoke or stimulate emotion's.

You cannot own an intj, or anyone else and I do not understand how you wasted seventeen years, did you spend all of this time doing nothing more than trying to get him to conform to your needs and pay more attention and try to make you happy. I doubt it, and what does he owe you anyway?
You are alive and physically healthy, no one forced you to live with him or have these children? Did you have some sort of a contract where he was to reward you somehow? Did you expect a big payoff?
Why is your happiness linked to someone else's understanding or your needs, isn't that your job?
Lets play what if, What if your husband did not understand your needs after seventeen years because he had been in a transportation mishap and was now brain injured. What if he became afflicted with a disease or disorder and he changed, would you sit about becoming bitter and holding it against him.

Maybe he does understand your needs, maybe he understands that your glass will always be half full!
Read your last post again.
You want to know why he is not into you, you come across as a bitter person who does not like spending time with her family and cries often.