INFJs and Autonomy

freybell

freybell

Community Member
MBTI
INFJ
Enneagram
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I got the following quote from http://www.infjorinfp.com/ . There's a page that details the "individuation" or simply "growth" of INFJs and INFPs. I was intrigued by the excerpt below because it describes exactly what my life is like right now:

3rd period - 20 to 35 years​
The tertiary function for INFJ, introverted Thinking, typically develops next.​
At twenty you experienced a tendency to become more independent, more your own person, and became critical of your previous habits of submission to the wishes of others. Because this development was taking place in an introverted way, you were not fully able to explain to others your new determination to become more autonomous; hence others may have been offended or baffled by the change in you. At the beginning of this period you probably felt you were handling the transition badly, but your conviction that it was right helped you to persevere and grow. The solution to your occasional ineptness was, you believed, in going forward toward assertiveness, not back to your earlier submissiveness.​

I was encouraged by this description, because I really have been feeling like I'm "handling the transition badly".

My questions are for all the older INFJs, and I guess younger ones who might be going through this process right now. How does an INFJ become more sure of herself/himself? How do we convince ourselves that we have the confidence and willpower to be truly assertive? What have your experiences been? And for the older crowd, were you lonely when you started this autonomy expedition?

pep talk and share time please :m107:
 
hmm... this make a lot of sense
 
This makes a lot of sense to me, I like to do things my own way and I dont like to follow other peoples lead unless I have no choice or it makes sense, I think that at its inception the process of thinking logically seems hard to wrap your head around specifically because you are still learning to use it, almost 30 now, I feel my Ti has taken hold rather well and I can come off extremely autonomous to anyone who knows me, a fact I believe that was bolstered by my father with his incessant droning on as a boy about the differences between a leader vs a follower.

My advice for those who are going through this and they feel unsure, just try to fact check your instincts as often as you can, if thety turn out to be right more often then not, then you will learn to trust them, also, be aware of the impact your autonomy is making, is it going to hurt others? Is it going to help others? I find that its easy enough to follow along with the pack until I find a real reason not to, why break ranks in the 1st lap of the race when you can conserve energy and make a hard dash on the last lap?

Was it lonely? I have a feeling that it will often be lonely because I despise tradition and loathe following idiots, I often find myself the odd man out unless I choose to blend in. I dont often choose to blend in though. Either way you will adapt to the loneliness in time and learn that being alone is your time and figure out efficient ways to interject yourself into other peoples lives at YOUR pace, which is important, part of that conserving of energy thing.
 
Thanks so much for posting this :) I'm almost 18, but I guess I'm beginning to morph into the life of the twentysomething. I really am trying hard to be my own person. It's almost painful, because I'm starting to break away from the people I've agreed with all my life due to my developing Fe, I guess. I just didn't want to cause conflict or concern, but I'm now realizing (and mad at myself) for letting other people sway my perceptions of things. My parents are glad that I want to be more independent and more of myself and less of others, but my siblings are worried that I'm almost betraying them for upholding my convictions. It's pretty scary. Submissiveness can feel pretty safe a lot of the time.
I think that knowledge that I'm an INFJ in the first place will help me. I feel kinda bad for INFJs that know nothing of MBTI that could really use it. Also, I think that once I start making more choices that depend only on me and not my family/ friends, I'll have time to learn how to trust my instincts and convictions more in a tangible way. Hopefully this will allow me to become more assertive, since right now I'm often pushed around (unintentionally) by others. Also, I bet learning how to explain why I've changed some of my opinions somehow could help build my confidence, but I have a sneaking suspicion that if I change my mind more than once, I'll just look like I don't know what I'm doing, which won't be too good for confidence....
^^Fact checking instincts sounds good, too.

Remarkable that you found that description! It's amazingly accurate :)
 
Jonathan said:
Thanks so much for posting this :) I'm almost 18, but I guess I'm beginning to morph into the life of the twentysomething. I really am trying hard to be my own person. It's almost painful, because I'm starting to break away from the people I've agreed with all my life due to my developing Fe, I guess. I just didn't want to cause conflict or concern, but I'm now realizing (and mad at myself) for letting other people sway my perceptions of things. My parents are glad that I want to be more independent and more of myself and less of others, but my siblings are worried that I'm almost betraying them for upholding my convictions. It's pretty scary. Submissiveness can feel pretty safe a lot of the time.
I think that knowledge that I'm an INFJ in the first place will help me. I feel kinda bad for INFJs that know nothing of MBTI that could really use it. Also, I think that once I start making more choices that depend only on me and not my family/ friends, I'll have time to learn how to trust my instincts and convictions more in a tangible way. Hopefully this will allow me to become more assertive, since right now I'm often pushed around (unintentionally) by others. Also, I bet learning how to explain why I've changed some of my opinions somehow could help build my confidence, but I have a sneaking suspicion that if I change my mind more than once, I'll just look like I don't know what I'm doing, which won't be too good for confidence....
^^Fact checking instincts sounds good, too.

Remarkable that you found that description! It's amazingly accurate :)
Click to expand...

I was also really glad to find this description--it felt like someone was giving me a hug and patting me on the back. And it's also nice to hear from a real live person that uncertainty is kind of a necessary part of becoming more sure of yourself (as weird as that sounds). I wish I could articulate the reasons why I feel this need to change, but all I know is that I do feel the need.. and that knowledge is enough for me. I've learned to at least trust my instincts when it comes to "this is good" and "this is bad"-- I just wish I could give the reasons why.

And to you Jonathan, feel completely free to change your mind over and over again--I say screw it if you look like you don't know what you're doing. I know I don't.
 
Being "sure of myself" has never really been a challenge to me. I usually know what I want and how to get it. My issue comes into play with applying this, in particular when it involves other people. I have a hard time doing anything (even when I know I have to) that will somehow push someone aside, abuse them, or require their help, and it has bit me in the ass for not doing so several times over the past few years. Most of the time it is from conforming to the wills of someone else and ignoring my own.

I feel akward and out of place when I use to use pure autonomy without considering anyone else in the process. As such it indeed can feel "clunky and scripted" as I attempt to be that way. However practice makes perfect. It might feel unnatural now, as I have little knowing and practice with it. However I have been practicing, and it has gotten easier. As counterintuitive as it might seem, interact with others with this new autonmy, with time it gets easier. Even though our Ti is indeed an internal process, when we can pass it back through our Fe then others can receive it much more easily, cleanly, and we can eventually learn to separate the two when needed, and work them together when needed.

It all comes down to practice.
 
freybell said:
I got the following quote from http://www.infjorinfp.com/ . There's a page that details the "individuation" or simply "growth" of INFJs and INFPs. I was intrigued by the excerpt below because it describes exactly what my life is like right now:

3rd period - 20 to 35 years​
The tertiary function for INFJ, introverted Thinking, typically develops next.​
At twenty you experienced a tendency to become more independent, more your own person, and became critical of your previous habits of submission to the wishes of others. Because this development was taking place in an introverted way, you were not fully able to explain to others your new determination to become more autonomous; hence others may have been offended or baffled by the change in you. At the beginning of this period you probably felt you were handling the transition badly, but your conviction that it was right helped you to persevere and grow. The solution to your occasional ineptness was, you believed, in going forward toward assertiveness, not back to your earlier submissiveness.​

I was encouraged by this description, because I really have been feeling like I'm "handling the transition badly".

My questions are for all the older INFJs, and I guess younger ones who might be going through this process right now. How does an INFJ become more sure of herself/himself? How do we convince ourselves that we have the confidence and willpower to be truly assertive? What have your experiences been? And for the older crowd, were you lonely when you started this autonomy expedition?

pep talk and share time please :m107:
Click to expand...


This is reassuring.
 
i think you just keep going and staying true to yourself like it says and every time you overcome an obstacle to it you feel stronger and more certain.
 
invisible said:
i think you just keep going and staying true to yourself like it says and every time you overcome an obstacle to it you feel stronger and more certain.
Click to expand...



+1
 
If only others around us understood this need.
 
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