INFJ with needs met vs. needs unmet

I see to it that all my needs are met. Thats cause it's my responsibility to know what I need, and find a way to meet it.

 

I dont know, I find that a lot of people who dont have their needs met project their lack of security somehow by making others feel their emotional state somehow. EFJ types are huge for this. INFJs on other hand can become quite withdrawn and grouchy or exceedingly judgemental -- projecting their internal issues outwards onto other people.

In my experience, if you're happy, judgement is only a tool which one uses to draw divisions only where they are needed. Happy people pass their judgement and act or simply let it fly off their shoulders but do not linger on it (it is given to 'the higher power' whether it be god, or fate, or simply their innate wisdom that this knowledge will be available should they need it) -- because they have more important things to do, like be happy.

 

When my needs are not met (most of my needs can be fufilled by my self) I will invarabily get into this "hyper-drive" mode where I work even harder, and ware myself down even faster, resulting in me getting sick.

I think alot of this has to do with the fact that by working on stuff I can't dwell on what is bothering me, which I tend to see as worse, and try to avoid it. Of course I can not avoid it, as soon as I sit still I remember it. I also tend to get very testy with people, and avoid people in general.

 

Similar to indigo, when my 'needs' aare not met which happens often! For instance when it comes to school assignments, I go into a state of motivational state of working harder or if I was graded badly when I thought it was perfect, sometimes I then almost feel crushed, hurt and work slower just to get the rest done.

Problem is I need my high goals to be fulfilled to be happy, and most canot be given to me, however I'm working on the first one

• Have the best grades in my class
• Move to America <3<3<3
• Attend University of California, Los Angeles
• Become a psychiatrist
• Become a famous actress
• Release "50 Poems of a Pristine girl"
• Win the nobel price

 

I have been feeling for the past approximately 5 years that I have gone so long putting my needs last, that I can hardly think WHAT my needs are any more. This may not be such a bad thing, though. At least I can talk myself into that philosophy.

I definitely put fulfilling my family's (as a whole) needs first. This includes my husband's and son's needs (wholesome regular meals, clean clothes, a compassionate ear, a clean, warm comforting home, doctor appts, parent conferences/school involvement, and everything else that comes with running a family. Caring for and cleaning up after our 9 pets. Doing all the yardwork, paying all the bills, etc.

I confess sometimes I allow myself to feel repressed and crushed by it (putting myself last) but for the most part I take pride in it.

So from my perspective, an INFJ with mainly unmet needs can still be fully functional, though I am very grateful to have found this forum, since much of my INFJness ended up repressed and masked in the past few years and this place allows me to express myself in a fairly unguarded INFJ way. Which is refreshing

 

Quoting Zencat--I definitely put fulfilling my family's (as a whole) needs first. This includes my husband's and son's needs (wholesome regular meals, clean clothes, a compassionate ear, a clean, warm comforting home, doctor appts, parent conferences/school involvement, and everything else that comes with running a family. Caring for and cleaning up after our 9 pets. Doing all the yardwork, paying all the bills, etc.

This right here, is how I feel. Maybe being a mother and putting others' needs before our own is less a infj thing and just a mommy thing. or it could be both. But just to let you know I understand this.

 

Thank you, Ambrosia Lemon.

I'm currently in a position in my life where I don't have any "peers" I can relate to and commiserate with on the frustrations that come along with being a full time wife/mother. Most of my best friends who I COULD talk to about it are also living this life so fully that we've all set ourselves and our friendships on the back burner (and we all live hundreds or thousands of miles from each other in any case) so I find myself - often - feeling alien and lost.

Of my two closest friends here, since I moved, one has never been married/had children, the other's children are grown.

 

No problem. I just wanted you to know that I think all mothers feel this way. I know alot of the times my friendships are on the backburner as well, because of the few friends I do have they all have jobs and family, so I try not to bother them, and then I feel alone. But then it hits me, I need to pick up the phone, and when I call my friends are always "How are you? I missed you.,etc" I am trying to call them all at least once a week so they know I care.

 

I figured out that by not meeting at least the most basic of my needs, the really negative part of myself comes out. And that didn't make life good for anyone in my family. I was snappy with the kids, short tempered with my spouse, stopped caring about cooking and household chores, unhealthy eating habits, neglecting the animals except to snarl at them when they got in my way.

I function better all around when I make time to do things that I like. Whether its a long long walk with the pups, cross stitching, reading (although I have to limit on that one cause once I pick up a book, especially one I like, I tend to not put it down til its done), 'net surfing, solo concert trip, etc.

But, I can't depend on anyone else to assertain my needs. I have to be self-aware enough to know when I'm reaching critical mass and communicate that to those around me.

Can I function with needs unmet? Of course. But it's like driving a p.o.s. car with a blown headgasket, no a/c, worn out padding in the seat, and no power steering. You never know when or where it's gonna overheat and/or break down; Changing directions requires a ton of extra effort; I'm uncomfortable all the time; and there is no relief when the heat is on....

 

I have recently had a chance to see the difference, since I kinda just came out of a low point.

When my needs are not met, I am:
-Easily distracted
-Unproductive
-Generally restless/ not content
-Unsocial
-Irritable
-Critical
-"Lost"

When my needs are met, I am:
-More cheerful
-Social
-Very productive
-A bit strange
-Philosophical
-slow to get stressed

...I like it when my needs are met more.

 

I don't think mine have ever really been met, so I wouldn't know the difference, and I'm not even entirely sure if I know what all they are...I probably don't.

 

Yeah this is a pretty good description of myself as well. I spend a great deal of time in a 'low state' especially for the past couple of months (save for very recently), but when in a high state, I'm actually quite strange and more spontaneous with my humor. In the low state I just want to retreat to my private little zone and stay there.

I liked Alcyone's response to this thread too. All people tend to be irritable when their needs are not met. My dad is an INFJ and he tends to be more like Alcyone. Except he'll store every minor thing and get progressively more grouchy until he snaps and scares the shit out of my mom and sister. He's very good at doing the psycho killer look.

I, on the other hand, do not have a strong temper. I generally hold a withdrawn demeanour, except in threatening situations (like someone getting in my face) where i'm forceful yet calm. I like getting angry at little things, in an exaggerated/non-serious manner too, it helps me to blow off steam really quickly and go back to being happy/neutral.

 

^^ Yeah, in my worst times, I'll get really irritable over little things; mass frustration and immediate withdrawal, accompanied by irrational anger for about an hour.
Then all is good with the world again.
It's really annoying.

 

I get very grouchy and stubborn.I think i got my stubborn part from my father.I won't want people helping me or telling me what to do and i want to do things myself.I'll rest on my bed and daydream.

 

I will get snappy,defensive,and my temper will act out. Then because I allowed my temper to flare, I will want to be by myself for a while, and not want to speak for a while. And this cycle will continue unless I take the time to collect myself and realize I was most likely over-reacting. So then I will think about what I need to pull myself together.

After that I wll act like my good self. My loving,smartass self.

 

-Easily distracted
-Unproductive
-Generally restless
-Unsocial
-Irritable
-Maccabre / pessimistic
-"Lost"
- lightheaded

ditto

 

I've been in and out of that rut enough times to begin to really know the difference...which I'm not altogether sure is a good thing, but oh well.

 

if needs are unmet, then they go as mentioned above and a day or two later turn to apathy if strong enough, then starts fading towards relative emotion affectionability.