INFJ vs ISTJ

[Kimberleaf]

Hi all,

My family profile consists of:
Me- INFJ
Husband- INTP
Daughter- ISFJ
Son- ISTJ
Son- ENFP
And two other boys who are too young to type.

I am really, really struggling to have a good relationship with my ISTJ son. He is almost 13 and I feel like we may never be 'okay' with each other. I didn't know anything about personality typing until about 2 years ago, so things have improved some because we now know that it's not him hating us or what have you, but his personality. Everyone but my husband is a feeler, and even as an INTP he has a lot more feeling than my son. My son just has SUCH a hard time being 'friendly' and he always comes off as rigid and cold. The other children are really bothered by this as well. We have tried connecting to him in a more matter of fact manner (I have a parenting for types book) to no avail. And to be honest, it's less connection we're striving for now at this point, but just getting along! As an INFJ I strive to deeply connect with all of my children. I understand that will probably never happen with him, but I need SOME help. Does anyone have any tips on relationships with ISTJs? I have seen basic info but I am specifically looking for help as an INFJ if possible. Thank you!!

 

[Dave Fallon]

Well, as an introvert, I'm sure you can understand a reluctance to forge close relationships. I find I have struggled with that in my own family, and it seems harder with other introverts (at least for me). My guess is that you will only be able to connect with another introvert on his terms, or very shared terms.

How do you feel you are (normally) in terms of your feeling attributes? Do you feel you have trouble connecting on an intellectual/rational level? What is it you are looking for him to do? Sometimes, I think with an introvert if you are clear what you want you can get further. However, if what you want is something to violate his personality, you may not have much luck.

In your question about "relationships with ISTJs", are you asking about what you can do to connect with him, or what you can do to get him to connect more with you? The difference is whether you are making efforts or expecting them...

(Also of note, and I'm sure you've considered this but it's worth mentioning: people have conditions that affect their interpersonal relationships outside of MBTI personalities. Could your son be depressed, or maybe on the autism spectrum, or going through a phase or difficult time?)

 

[Sriracha]

13 is a tough age regardless of MBTI. My husband is an ISTJ, he says he could relate to your post. His mother would attend every single one of his soccer games, and it really annoyed him. He says he "just wanted to be left alone." By age 16 he was working entire summers away from home at a summer camp. ISTJs are very naturally independent and draw guidance where/from whom they need it. I think what you have to realize is that ISTJs do have a very rich inner being and working of their mind, but unlike other types ... they choose to not share it the majority of the time (unless they find someone that can relate on the same level.) I'm not telling you to leave your son alone, but do allow him plenty of emotional space.

You may not feel that there is a connection, but there is. ISTJs do tend to be somewhat traditional, and he does admire you as a role model from a distance. He connects to people and the world "his own way", just as all other types do and of course will have to work through obstacles in order to learn how to relate to others (just as all kids do.) I can imagine that a houseful might be overwhelming for him, never being able to have his own "space" without being bothered by someone.

 

[Quill]

My dad is an ISTJ, and I will admit that I'm not as close as I am with my mum (ESFJ) and I think that's largely down to the clash of functions. The coldness and rigidity that comes across can really rub me the wrong way, especially as I'm so attuned to emotions. I know problem areas for him and when I can foresee these arising I do my best to appeal to the way he views the world to make things easier for everyone else - a kind of diplomatic managerial role to prevent accidental conflict (I'm not sure if he realises this takes actual effort on my part though!). I've found a large part for ISTJs is that they love routine, but routine in particular for people. Within our household, each person has a specific role, and if everyone sticks to their job, there will be harmony. Things are very categorical for him, while they're much more fluid for me.

Don't forget our teenage years are when we try to establish a sense of independence. I don't mean that in the classical rebellious way as such, but we're coming to terms with the fact that we are growing up and exploring and trying on different styles to find our sense of self. "Who exactly am I? How does the world see me? How do I want the world to see me?" etc, etc. We end up distancing ourselves from our parents because up until that point, we've been relying on them almost entirely to make sense of the world. We haven't had a say in clothing or hairstyles or music, and as a teengager we want to play around with what we feel suits us, which means stepping away from our caregivers.

I'd suggest reading in detail on his type and how the functions stack (I've found this post to be particularly useful!). The important thing to remember is that while he does need connection like everyone else, he doesn't need, use, or express it in the same way we do. Maybe look into his love languages too, that way you know you're supporting him and making him feel loved even if he isn't outwardly showing it.

 

[Kimberleaf]

Just wanted to pop in to say thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. I'll be back later this evening to respond.

 

[Joshua Robison]

My son just has SUCH a hard time being 'friendly' and he always comes off as rigid and cold. The other children are really bothered by this as well.

That is weird. ISTJs are extremely friendly with other Fi users, especially other ISTJs. They can be very talkative. They like to talk about their experiences to people whom they trust and they love to set their perspective as the standard for all and express what they feel is inappropriate behavior. They can talk quite a bit about these subjects.

If he is not making other Si or Fi friends at school then there could be another problem. Are you sure this isn't just your INFJ mom nature talking? He could very well be just a normal ISTJ.

If you want to figure out how to have a deep Ni conversation with him, that will be complicated. He will likely never be able to do that. To check if he is truly anti-social, have him talk with another ISTJ, if you can.

How about your daughter? How does she do with him being ISFJ? It seems like they could both enjoy a fair amount of small talk together.

If you want to talk with him you have to talk about experiences. Si types love to talk about how an experience made them feel or about their opinions about people and why they feel that way about them. Try some small talk.

 

[Joshua Robison]

Try to focus your conversations on experiences that he or you had and try to keep the conversations away from what could be and just stick to what happened and how you felt about it.

Also , ISTJs appreciate acts of service more than anything. Stop hugging and kissing immediately. That will turn him off. If you need physical interaction, a punch on the shoulder might be ok.

 

[the]

Also , ISTJs appreciate acts of service more than anything. Stop hugging and kissing immediately. That will turn him off. If you need physical interaction, a punch on the shoulder might be ok.

No, wrong.