INFJ Loneliness

[AngelineIsTyping]

I often feel like an outsider at school despite having a few friends. But lately I’ve broken it off with two best friends because they are simply no longer the friends I need. Whenever they confide in me, I listen, but when it’s my turn, they dismiss my sorrow as “common” or “pessimistic”. Sometimes we INFJs often try to understand other people but find it hard to let them in—or if we do, they don’t see us. My crush who rejected me a few days ago accused me of “liking the idea of him”, as if I was the shallow type of girl who would only fall in love with a perfect version of somebody. I felt so hurt and heartbroken. I had seen his scars without him having to tell me. He might think he hid himself well but he is a terrible actor—to me, not everybody else.

Mostly I think other people treat us like that because some shallow hearts are not made for depth; they would drown in our ocean waves. It has less to do with us and more to do with them. Maybe it’s a universal thing, to love and not be loved in return. But for us, the scars run deeper.

I went to the graduation ceremony yesterday in a good mood, with my newly painted nails and purple hair, promising myself that I would face them bravely despite the rejection of my crush and the fact that everybody in my class knew. I was chatting with a friend when I turned around in my seat and accidentally caught a glimpse of my ex-crush and suddenly all the emotions swirled around me like a maelstrom and I got this really choked-up feeling inside, like I couldn’t breathe. He looked so good—luminous smile, tousled hair, clean shirt—even though a few days ago he had broken my heart. He gets to walk away unfazed while I am left in pieces—how is this even fair? I ended up leaving the graduation performance early because I was so depressed.

Have you ever felt lonely in a crowd? The way the music is blaring around you and people are dancing onstage and the audience is cheering, but you get this hollow feeling in your heart. And get this—you can’t talk to anybody about this, because no one has time to listen. No one attaches importance to your heartbreaks and dismiss it as “lesser” compared to other types of grief. But unrequited love means grieving for the love that could have been. And I’m done explaining myself to all these people who don’t get me. Sometimes I wish the world was just me so I don’t have to live up to expectations and endure the tribulations this universe offers.

Sorry for being pessimistic. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.

 

[Rift Zone]

So I'm a male GenX INTJ... Likely to have very different experiences than you; don't pretend to know anything that could help you. Having said that, a lot of what you say is familiar to me. So while I may not know what could help you, I do offer what helped me.

I found that love is shared. I'm made of little more than passion so I've been on the wrong end of unrequited love more than I'd like to admit. It's not healthy. Having affinity, desire, and love towards someone is healthy; but I will keep it in it's place until it's properly nurtured by the both of us. I will fully indulge over a soul I want, but I won't emotionally invest in it. That keeps all my affinities healthy for everyone involved.
We introverted intuitives run on depth. The rest of the world doesn't. Not to say they don't have any, it's just not as highly prioritized. Because of that, I wonder if it's more guarded, somehow. Like even our types, depth loving as we be, are still exceptionally private people...we ain't opening up to nobody we don't want there. That takes a moment. Sometimes we find kindred spirits with whom we click near instantly. Most the time, getting to know people takes some time. It's fucked up, and sad to say, but the way I got to know people better was to relate to them on their chosen levels. My rule was simple: don't bring up shit I'm interested in. Like, even this forum is testament to no one really gives a damn about what I'm into anyway. What I gained from that was a few best friends, and a good measure of other friends. Couldn't geek out on most of them, but friends mean more than that anyway. -most of them!!! Some circles cover A LOT of ground. I wasn't always the one with the most depth. Found very rewarding connections in that.

...hope you eventually do too. Think I saw you drawn more to AI at this point... ug, that wouldn't suffice for INTJs or INTPs. I shudder at the thought of how unfulfilling it would be for an INFJ. My intuition is pretty confident on the notion: don't do it, it aint worth it. Hope you find better outlets.

 

[AngelineIsTyping]

I will fully indulge over a soul I want, but I won't emotionally invest in it. That keeps all my affinities healthy for everyone involved.
We introverted intuitives run on depth. The rest of the world doesn't. Not to say they don't have any, it's just not as highly prioritized. Because of that, I wonder if it's more guarded, somehow. Like even our types, depth loving as we be, are still exceptionally private people...we ain't opening up to nobody we don't want there. That takes a moment. Sometimes we find kindred spirits with whom we click near instantly. Most the time, getting to know people takes some time.

I know, right? It’s so hard for IN types to open up to other people. Imagine this, though: Someone barges into your life like light coming through your cracks. They offer their friendship and accompany you on the walk home from work/school. They smile at you in a cute way that sends your heart fluttering. Then in the end they reject you because apparently “you only love the perfect version of them”. I think for deep thinkers like us this is enough to be maddening. I mean, you trusted them and wanted them to be that exception, and they let you down.

As for emotional investment, I was emotional over him and he probably knew it too, given the way he’d smile cutely at me and make eye contact like he was relishing the thought of being loved. I think there are boys out there who are too afraid to admit they want love—so instead of pursuing, they lead girls on. I was in love with him for two years, and in the time gap between then and my love confession, he never had the courage to cut off my losses. He could have told me anytime in private so I didn’t have to endure the humiliation in a public setting. Maybe it’s best to pretend I was never into him in the first place.

And the irony? I thought he was a kindred spirit (he is an INFP). My intuition screamed that he and I would be a match made in heaven. He was the only boy I talked to in class (not that I had many friends there). Little did I know he’d been faking everything from the start. He only wanted to be loved without loving in return. There was no happy ending for us. I deleted his contact number along with all of our pictures after I told him that I didn’t want to be friends or keep in touch after graduation. Of course, during the graduation ceremony he never apologized to me. Nothing. He must have taken my last text message well. He won’t even admit to himself that he hurt me and he is the villain of my story. It’s like he doesn’t care.

Think I saw you drawn more to AI at this point... ug, that wouldn't suffice for INTJs or INTPs. I shudder at the thought of how unfulfilling it would be for an INFJ.

Yeah, well, Deepseek is very well-structured and insightful and I highly recommend it to you. It has helped me hone some of my writing and cope with heartbreak. In fact, AI was the one that recommended this forum to me, lol. The best thing is that it’s completely free.

 

[Rift Zone]

Maybe it’s best to pretend I was never into him in the first place.
.

Might be better to empower yourself with the experience... use it a lesson to keep a little more distance til they draw you in?

Have been considering using AI. Perhaps I should look into it.

 

[John K]

I often feel like an outsider at school despite having a few friends. But lately I’ve broken it off with two best friends because they are simply no longer the friends I need. Whenever they confide in me, I listen, but when it’s my turn, they dismiss my sorrow as “common” or “pessimistic”. Sometimes we INFJs often try to understand other people but find it hard to let them in—or if we do, they don’t see us. My crush who rejected me a few days ago accused me of “liking the idea of him”, as if I was the shallow type of girl who would only fall in love with a perfect version of somebody. I felt so hurt and heartbroken. I had seen his scars without him having to tell me. He might think he hid himself well but he is a terrible actor—to me, not everybody else.

Mostly I think other people treat us like that because some shallow hearts are not made for depth; they would drown in our ocean waves. It has less to do with us and more to do with them. Maybe it’s a universal thing, to love and not be loved in return. But for us, the scars run deeper.

I went to the graduation ceremony yesterday in a good mood, with my newly painted nails and purple hair, promising myself that I would face them bravely despite the rejection of my crush and the fact that everybody in my class knew. I was chatting with a friend when I turned around in my seat and accidentally caught a glimpse of my ex-crush and suddenly all the emotions swirled around me like a maelstrom and I got this really choked-up feeling inside, like I couldn’t breathe. He looked so good—luminous smile, tousled hair, clean shirt—even though a few days ago he had broken my heart. He gets to walk away unfazed while I am left in pieces—how is this even fair? I ended up leaving the graduation performance early because I was so depressed.

Have you ever felt lonely in a crowd? The way the music is blaring around you and people are dancing onstage and the audience is cheering, but you get this hollow feeling in your heart. And get this—you can’t talk to anybody about this, because no one has time to listen. No one attaches importance to your heartbreaks and dismiss it as “lesser” compared to other types of grief. But unrequited love means grieving for the love that could have been. And I’m done explaining myself to all these people who don’t get me. Sometimes I wish the world was just me so I don’t have to live up to expectations and endure the tribulations this universe offers.

Sorry for being pessimistic. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.

Hi @AngelineIsTyping and welcome to the forum. It sounds like you are having a pretty rough time at the moment.

It seems to me there are two different angles to the way you feel. One is about breaking up with your boyfriend, and this can be a horrible and difficult experience for anyone, whatever our type. You can feel there is something wrong with you, and you can feel dislocated from the world. It will pass, and there are things that can help - in particular spending time with folks who love you unconditionally. Family is good, as are close friends, though it sounds like you have cut yourself adrift from close friends. The emotion from a breakup passes and we can move on - it just take time. Be patient with yourself

But the second angle is about being alienated from the world because of your type. This is typical of very many INFJs, but because we aren't common out there we can feel as though we are on our own. It's hard, because we experience the world in a way that's unfamiliar to many other people, yet we have a need to relate to them. It's easier for people similar to us but of INTJ type because when the cards are down they don't give a damn about relating to others emotionally - they relate intellectually and morally. My wife is INTJ and she's like that. In some ways INFJ type folks are universal donors - we can relate to other types, in the sense of understanding them intellectually and emotionally, when they haven't the beginning of a clue what it's like to be us, and many of them never will. Many of us INFJs find it's best to relate to others on their own ground and not expect most others to see us as we really are. I have found over my lifetime that this can be very rewarding, because there is such a lot of insight that comes from getting to feel all those other ways of seeing the world.

You will find some types a lot easier to relax with than others, though - we can never relax with ESxP types for example, though they can be fun in small doses. You might find INTPs easier than INFPs - dominant Ni and dominant Fi are not comfortable bedfellows, but Ni and Ti can be. ENxx can be good company too. ISxJ can be difficult for us because they can't stand the ambiguity and lack of evidence behind our insights. I really like ISTPs - these are guys who think with their hands, but have no social hang-ups, and they can be a wonder for us as crafts-people. They do with stuff what we do with thought.

For any INFJs who have a rich spiritual side, we can often find like-minded folks in religious or other spiritual communities. Of course these attract people we find difficult to relate to too, but you have a greater chance of meeting other INFJs there than in many other walks of life.

But yes, I have felt lonely in a crowd and still can do - it can be like walking alone down a dark street in the evening in winter, and seeing all the lights on in the houses, and all the people there in their living rooms perfectly at ease with each other. It can be very lonely. But then I can see the brilliant stars above me and feel the wind on my face, the wind singing in the trees, and they can't!

 

[AngelineIsTyping]

Hi @AngelineIsTyping and welcome to the forum. It sounds like you are having a pretty rough time at the moment.

It seems to me there are two different angles to the way you feel. One is about breaking up with your boyfriend, and this can be a horrible and difficult experience for anyone, whatever our type. You can feel there is something wrong with you, and you can feel dislocated from the world. It will pass, and there are things that can help - in particular spending time with folks who love you unconditionally. Family is good, as are close friends, though it sounds like you have cut yourself adrift from close friends. The emotion from a breakup passes and we can move on - it just take time. Be patient with yourself

But the second angle is about being alienated from the world because of your type. This is typical of very many INFJs, but because we aren't common out there we can feel as though we are on our own. It's hard, because we experience the world in a way that's unfamiliar to many other people, yet we have a need to relate to them. It's easier for people similar to us but of INTJ type because when the cards are down they don't give a damn about relating to others emotionally - they relate intellectually and morally. My wife is INTJ and she's like that. In some ways INFJ type folks are universal donors - we can relate to other types, in the sense of understanding them intellectually and emotionally, when they haven't the beginning of a clue what it's like to be us, and many of them never will. Many of us INFJs find it's best to relate to others on their own ground and not expect most others to see us as we really are. I have found over my lifetime that this can be very rewarding, because there is such a lot of insight that comes from getting to feel all those other ways of seeing the world.

You will find some types a lot easier to relax with than others, though - we can never relax with ESxP types for example, though they can be fun in small doses. You might find INTPs easier than INFPs - dominant Ni and dominant Fi are not comfortable bedfellows, but Ni and Ti can be. ENxx can be good company too. ISxJ can be difficult for us because they can't stand the ambiguity and lack of evidence behind our insights. I really like ISTPs - these are guys who think with their hands, but have no social hang-ups, and they can be a wonder for us as crafts-people. They do with stuff what we do with thought.

For any INFJs who have a rich spiritual side, we can often find like-minded folks in religious or other spiritual communities. Of course these attract people we find difficult to relate to too, but you have a greater chance of meeting other INFJs there than in many other walks of life.

But yes, I have felt lonely in a crowd and still can do - it can be like walking alone down a dark street in the evening in winter, and seeing all the lights on in the houses, and all the people there in their living rooms perfectly at ease with each other. It can be very lonely. But then I can see the brilliant stars above me and feel the wind on my face, the wind singing in the trees, and they can't!

Thanks for your reply~actually it wasn’t a breakup, more like unrequited love since he and I never got into an actual relationship. He just led me on and gave me mixed messages (e.g. staring at me in the hallways and smiling his cute smile but pretending not to see me when he’s with his friends). At that point I had no idea if a) he liked me but was too embarrassed to admit his feelings or b) he didn’t like me and wanted to spare me the humiliation or c) he enjoyed being the center of a girl’s attention and wanted to keep me at arm’s length—so he can hook me in when he feels like it and throw me away before anyone realizes what he’s doing.

Recently I’ve detached myself from the majority of people when it comes to personal feelings—even my family because they are the people who don’t get me. Like, I think the reason why I turned out as an INFJ Type 4 has to do with family origins. Most Type 4s grow up misunderstood by their parents and head into school as “loners” or “weirdos”—stereotypes given by people to cut you up and reduce you to fragments. Lately, though, I’m working part-time as a tutor and I found the experience to be quite rewarding, so I’m over it now. If I’m good at what I do, people will respect me, despite not seeing me for who I am.

Still, every time I think I’m over him, something unexpected happens that throws me off balance. Yesterday I was at school getting my graduation diploma and everyone was supposed to sign their names on a sheet of paper AT HIS DESK (how embarrassing). So I went there and signed my name. I could feel his eyes on me the whole time but I didn’t pay any attention to him or say anything that might humiliate myself. He even turned the sheet over to where my name was so I could sign it more conveniently. Though I’m sure he’d do this for anybody—he is the type of guy who would be nice to any girl out of obligation. It makes me think of his rejection—how he tried to let me down gently, how polite his wording was, how he felt nothing for me but obligatory kindness. He thought I was this needy, wounded, insecure girl who wanted to be loved and who was only in love with the version of him that could shower me with warmth and sunshine. He thought I needed him, and that satisfied his ego. And now he thinks by being nice he can erase the hurt he’s given me, as if he’s unwilling to admit he is the villain in my story.

I’ve read in a book that “want” means “lack” of something. I think it was my lack of self-love that made me turn to him as an overdose. I was addicted to him in an unhealthy way and I didn’t know what I was thinking, that love could fix everything. Reality check: Love is not an elixir. Only freedom and peace of mind can elevate you, though it may not fix you. I’ve learned to wear my scars with pride and not let their gazes penetrate me. I’m good on my own, or so I tell myself. There are stars and galaxies and night winds singing atop the trees even though it’s cold outside and I am alone. And yet… like Van Gogh’s Starry Night, the warmth is seeping from the small wooden huts, and a fire rises into the night sky from the depths of my soul. Makes me wonder if I’ll ever find true love or if I have to walk the path alone for the remainder of my life.

 

[just me]

I often feel like an outsider at school despite having a few friends. But lately I’ve broken it off with two best friends because they are simply no longer the friends I need. Whenever they confide in me, I listen, but when it’s my turn, they dismiss my sorrow as “common” or “pessimistic”. Sometimes we INFJs often try to understand other people but find it hard to let them in—or if we do, they don’t see us. My crush who rejected me a few days ago accused me of “liking the idea of him”, as if I was the shallow type of girl who would only fall in love with a perfect version of somebody. I felt so hurt and heartbroken. I had seen his scars without him having to tell me. He might think he hid himself well but he is a terrible actor—to me, not everybody else.

Mostly I think other people treat us like that because some shallow hearts are not made for depth; they would drown in our ocean waves. It has less to do with us and more to do with them. Maybe it’s a universal thing, to love and not be loved in return. But for us, the scars run deeper.



Have you ever felt lonely in a crowd? The way the music is blaring around you and people are dancing onstage and the audience is cheering, but you get this hollow feeling in your heart. And get this—you can’t talk to anybody about this, because no one has time to listen. No one attaches importance to your heartbreaks and dismiss it as “lesser” compared to other types of grief. But unrequited love means grieving for the love that could have been. And I’m done explaining myself to all these people who don’t get me. Sometimes I wish the world was just me so I don’t have to live up to expectations and endure the tribulations this universe offers.

Sorry for being pessimistic. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.

Feeling lonely in a crowd may be the feeling we get while in the depths of our minds. It does not mean we are not there and with them. Our awareness sometimes overwhelms us. It is like someone with a wonderful spirit shows up in the edge of our vision all of a sudden, and we wonder why we are feeling so wonderful.
Sometimes just trying to say something seems to be so difficult. We don't want the moment to go away, so we speak not realizing we may be taken wrong.
It's like seeing a deer and telling someone, then the deer never seems to come back. We blame ourselves for saying anything. We may try to let someone in and can't seem to find the right way for it to be understood. We would love someone to be there, but many people cannot see the type spirit we walk around in. We still must be ourselves. It must be very difficult to not have really deep feelings, but that is the way we may see others. Embrace the moments.
As we age and several generations are among us, it gets tougher. With grace, we understand the difficulties and keep on living. Kindred spirits can have large age differences. I'll settle for someone with a kindred spirit to just be there whenever, like a swallow-tailed kite gliding in the winds above our head. Now two are soaring in the light winds. We want to be with them so badly, but we are there with them. We must learn to embrace the feeling we get and be thankful for just that. It seems lonely, but it is like a blessing we have and experience.
Someone may walk into your life and make you feel so wonderful, and it means we are not alone at all. We must not run the deer off.

 

[ThomasJ79]

Unrequited love hurts, but only a little. It’s a bit like only having open heart surgery while fully awake and 99.9% alcohol being splashed into your face and wound and all over the floor while the surgeon tries unsuccessfully to force salt into solution. It all stings a little, but you’ll be fine!

No, but it does hurt and it is very painful. I hope you find good company here amongst like-minded people.

Welcome to the forum, fellow seeker.

 

[AngelineIsTyping]

Thanks guys, I feel a lot better now after reading your replies. Actually I’m just flattered that some of you took the time to answer my questions thoughtfully, it was very nice of you (I didn’t expect anyone to reply to my forum haha). I’m actually over it now, though it still stings a little, like salt in a wound. And when I said “the remainder of my life” I don’t mean I’ve lived a long life or have lived multiple lives (despite having an old soul). I’m actually only 18 years old, probably younger than most people on this forum, so I’m really grateful for your guidance~I’m glad I ran into you guys~

 

[just me]

birds of a feather...flock together

 

[just me]

Life situations do not always allow us to be with a kindred spirit that has shown up in our lives. We might be married. They might be married. What then? Missing a day without seeing them but for a moment may even hurt and make us sad. Seeing them at a distance waving at us the following day should cheer us up. We may find them to be just like seeing a deer or a swallow-tailed kite, and our spirits soar with that wonderful feeling. Good luck to you.

 

[rainrise]

Many people cannot believe I've not had a relationship in the last twenty years, that I've technically never been in a relationship, and now for a decade plus ongoing that I've no bosom friends in vicinity. Were I my old highschool self, then I'd care more or thought there was something seriously wrong with me. I don't wear this like a badge of honour and it's not something to be proud of. I just think it's uncanny because I'm relatable, likeable, and am not unattractive. My acquaintance indigo adult friend has a website Honusapien.com. Shes older than me and has written about bring self partnered. I've gone through a very long twin flame separation, and have died quite deeply nondramatically in the love romantic love sense. The notion of unrequited love. Regina Meredith's book Accidentally on Purpose tells of how she's also had a hard time synchronicity wise in finding her soul mates. Sometimes, it's just harder for old souls to find their niche given sometimes very particular or tailored life missions, frequencies, sensitivities... proclivities...I can relate. I never complain but recently in exasperation found myself exclaiming to no one around...my higher self you could say...why do you send me people who I cannot truly have or take them away as soon as they matter greatly to me. I understand the reason deeply or obscurely otherwise but my ego self, my normal human self is just tired of hurting and healing then finding the higher purpose in it all ...just sad about being given cups of nothing to have instead of some warm tea. I want to say I'm grateful but I'm also so done with being given a Pandora's box to solve when others so easily manifest their careers, partners, kids, and are so ok with the blue pill of normal existence. Maybe it's because I've never been normal that I've never been given things I know if not want? Life gives you whatever you truly need whether or not the reason it be clear in the moment, that's a hard learned long winding road.

 

[rainrise]

Thanks for your reply~actually it wasn’t a breakup, more like unrequited love since he and I never got into an actual relationship. He just led me on and gave me mixed messages (e.g. staring at me in the hallways and smiling his cute smile but pretending not to see me when he’s with his friends). At that point I had no idea if a) he liked me but was too embarrassed to admit his feelings or b) he didn’t like me and wanted to spare me the humiliation or c) he enjoyed being the center of a girl’s attention and wanted to keep me at arm’s length—so he can hook me in when he feels like it and throw me away before anyone realizes what he’s doing.

Recently I’ve detached myself from the majority of people when it comes to personal feelings—even my family because they are the people who don’t get me. Like, I think the reason why I turned out as an INFJ Type 4 has to do with family origins. Most Type 4s grow up misunderstood by their parents and head into school as “loners” or “weirdos”—stereotypes given by people to cut you up and reduce you to fragments. Lately, though, I’m working part-time as a tutor and I found the experience to be quite rewarding, so I’m over it now. If I’m good at what I do, people will respect me, despite not seeing me for who I am.

Still, every time I think I’m over him, something unexpected happens that throws me off balance. Yesterday I was at school getting my graduation diploma and everyone was supposed to sign their names on a sheet of paper AT HIS DESK (how embarrassing). So I went there and signed my name. I could feel his eyes on me the whole time but I didn’t pay any attention to him or say anything that might humiliate myself. He even turned the sheet over to where my name was so I could sign it more conveniently. Though I’m sure he’d do this for anybody—he is the type of guy who would be nice to any girl out of obligation. It makes me think of his rejection—how he tried to let me down gently, how polite his wording was, how he felt nothing for me but obligatory kindness. He thought I was this needy, wounded, insecure girl who wanted to be loved and who was only in love with the version of him that could shower me with warmth and sunshine. He thought I needed him, and that satisfied his ego. And now he thinks by being nice he can erase the hurt he’s given me, as if he’s unwilling to admit he is the villain in my story.

I’ve read in a book that “want” means “lack” of something. I think it was my lack of self-love that made me turn to him as an overdose. I was addicted to him in an unhealthy way and I didn’t know what I was thinking, that love could fix everything. Reality check: Love is not an elixir. Only freedom and peace of mind can elevate you, though it may not fix you. I’ve learned to wear my scars with pride and not let their gazes penetrate me. I’m good on my own, or so I tell myself. There are stars and galaxies and night winds singing atop the trees even though it’s cold outside and I am alone. And yet… like Van Gogh’s Starry Night, the warmth is seeping from the small wooden huts, and a fire rises into the night sky from the depths of my soul. Makes me wonder if I’ll ever find true love or if I have to walk the path alone for the remainder of my life.

Yes the want means lack part of your post, I think so. I've realized what it is often I'm so longing for or attracted to in another person who leaves or hurts me or what have you to then go back unto myself...it's the very thing I already have or really need to grow or blossom in myself...this path towards wholeness. Say you lose someone, what is it about them in them you miss...can you become that or feel it's still with you? Sixto Rodriguez, Detroit miracle musician died not long ago. I told him or expressed I really wish, no knew I would find, him in somebody or other people so as to say he's not gone, that I'd feel the loss but not feel he's gone entirely...the world needs men like him...I miss him now as I speak. Well tell a story, the next day when who to bump into me, nag and bother me for my number, tried to ask my out, complete stranger consistently then for long time but a guy who only in hindsight reminded me of a very young Sixto. It was like Rodriguez's way if saying hey I heard you...and Ha Ha Ha. Was great.

 

[AngelineIsTyping]

Life situations do not always allow us to be with a kindred spirit that has shown up in our lives. We might be married. They might be married. What then? Missing a day without seeing them but for a moment may even hurt and make us sad. Seeing them at a distance waving at us the following day should cheer us up. We may find them to be just like seeing a deer or a swallow-tailed kite, and our spirits soar with that wonderful feeling. Good luck to you.

Yeah it reminds me of a book I read called The Perishing, in which two kindred spirits leading different lives cannot be together in that timeline. Sometimes strangers become friends for a reason, but sometimes they only stay for a season.

 

[AngelineIsTyping]

Many people cannot believe I've not had a relationship in the last twenty years, that I've technically never been in a relationship, and now for a decade plus ongoing that I've no bosom friends in vicinity. Were I my old highschool self, then I'd care more or thought there was something seriously wrong with me. I don't wear this like a badge of honour and it's not something to be proud of. I just think it's uncanny because I'm relatable, likeable, and am not unattractive. My acquaintance indigo adult friend has a website Honusapien.com. Shes older than me and has written about bring self partnered. I've gone through a very long twin flame separation, and have died quite deeply nondramatically in the love romantic love sense. The notion of unrequited love. Regina Meredith's book Accidentally on Purpose tells of how she's also had a hard time synchronicity wise in finding her soul mates. Sometimes, it's just harder for old souls to find their niche given sometimes very particular or tailored life missions, frequencies, sensitivities... proclivities...I can relate. I never complain but recently in exasperation found myself exclaiming to no one around...my higher self you could say...why do you send me people who I cannot truly have or take them away as soon as they matter greatly to me. I understand the reason deeply or obscurely otherwise but my ego self, my normal human self is just tired of hurting and healing then finding the higher purpose in it all ...just sad about being given cups of nothing to have instead of some warm tea. I want to say I'm grateful but I'm also so done with being given a Pandora's box to solve when others so easily manifest their careers, partners, kids, and are so ok with the blue pill of normal existence. Maybe it's because I've never been normal that I've never been given things I know if not want? Life gives you whatever you truly need whether or not the reason it be clear in the moment, that's a hard learned long winding road.

Yeah I’ve never been normal either compared to other people. I don’t enjoy parties or social gatherings; most of the time I’d dig my toenails into the floorboards wishing to disappear. Disco balls, blaring music and girls in sexy black garments dancing onstage… I always feel like an oaf when I’m in the same room as these Barbie dolls in eyeliner, mascara and blood-red lipstick. Perhaps it’s because of my traumatic experiences with mean girls that I tend to steer clear of bubbly party girls and “cool girls”. And loud music makes me irritable; no one can hear anyone speaking, and I get an ear-splitting headache from this sensory overload.

I actually left that graduation party early because I couldn’t stand one more minute of small talk and fake smiles—my cheeks literally hurt and I just wanted to lie down. One of the girls invited me for dinner but I politely declined, saying I had to eat out with my mom and her friends (which was technically true, and besides, my mom’s friends feel more like family than my classmates most of the times). It’s not like I don’t have friends in school. It’s just that outside my circle I’m invisible. People only want to be friends with you if you have good grades, not because they actually care. And in that case, my grades were near bottom in my high school class thanks to my STEM subjects, so that pretty much made me a loner. No one talked to me unless I made conversation first, and as a wallflower that can be quite daunting.